blabbing

It's the things that bring you to tears that are worth writing about. I haven't let anyone tell me different.
It's the things that make me stop everything I'm doing to get it all down because if I don't, it will never make sense to me. And perhaps it never does.

But by writing it down, passing it on to another, it will become clearer. It's always the first draft that you see here and only edited while it's being laid out through my fingertips. My weathered, sometimes quivering and sometimes aggressive fingertips. Aggressiveness due to urgency since the faster I get it down, the faster I can read it over and over to feel it again.

-------------------

There are so many positives to success that are worth mentioning. You know, the ones that no one ever acknowledges. The underlying emotions and motivators, not the material possessions. You must be able to tell the difference here and now. Family is a possession. Friends are possessions. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you look at it like me, these are disposable things. You can change them, dismiss them. Ignore them, even. That's what people do when they want to succeed. That's what jiu-jitsu champions do when they want to succeed. Maybe you don't notice it because it's the denial of relationships altogether that is at play. Having never built a relationship, one can't be distracted, or needed. Can't afford to be needed. Or maybe you don't notice it because it hasn't happened to you.

Finding something you want brings ultimate greed. You will never know what it feels like to succeed if you haven't wanted something so badly that you would be willing to give up everything for it. You will never know true happiness if you haven't suffered enough to get it. You will never know what defeat feels like if you haven't given everything in the process. You will never truly experience victory unless you've lost ten times before. It's the binary oppositions that make one thing make sense because it gains worth through what its not. And the more of one means it mirrors to the other. Without life there would never be death and without sun there would never be dark. It would just be one thing all the time, never needing a specific name and never having to hold meaning. The larger the gap between these two, the greater the two will be.

Live your life in extreme oppositions. I'm telling you right now. Be all-or-nothing and know your worth. I've seen the greatest human beings created from tragedy. I always thought I needed to rise up from tragedy in order to be considered weathered, tarnished and therefore worth more. But don't wait for lightening to strike you. Just do what you feel is extreme and be the farthest removed you can from what you are now.

And don't stop. Never stop. You begin with a boulder. A boulder that carries a lot of weight whether it's the physical pounds that are holding you down, the overbearing person in your life, the fear in your heart. You get it moving, you push it out of the way and it gets easier. Sometimes starting on your own will never happen. Surround yourself with people who can help you move your boulder whether they serve a literal purpose or just a purpose in the form of moral support. People who are onto the same goals will push boulders together and in turn, help keep the momentum going.

If you settle, you will need to push a boulder again. Sometimes you have rocks, an avalanche, a defeat. A financial setback, a natural disaster, a loss of someone or something. As long as you have your momentum, it won't be half has hard to deal because you are moving, you're walking, running, bolting through.

Make analogies and you'll see things clearer, I promise. Everything in life already exists, you just have to see it a certain way because it takes different forms. Don't let it fool you. The amount of experience you have can translate into any situation which only furthers your understanding, allowing you to prepare for the presence later in life.

My advice will only go so far and you will only trust so much of it, but that's your right. I surround myself with people who will help me to move my boulders, teach me new perspectives and most of all, keep me moving. As long as you remain aware, you'll notice what is holding you back from moving forward and you are entitled to remove it, get past it and leave it in your dust.

Or you can remain the same.



 

Backpacking the Beautiful East Coast

In 2009 I planned a trip to the east coast where I found random friends and acquaintances to let me sleep on their couch while bussing it to different cities. It was amazing experience that allowed me to see DC, New York, Philly, Baltimore and Boston. Since then I have visited the DC area a couple of times and have fallen in love. Mainly, 50/50 academy in Arlington is my favorite place however there are other areas I adore.

In an attempt to spend my winter break from school away from LA and somewhere I love, I planned to somehow get there. And then I figured I'd visit some other places as well since I've been way from some friends for a long time. Tie that in with the fact that there are some major BJJ academies that I must visit, and I've got a great trip filled with sleeping on couches, exploring with natives and going on megabus trips in between states. My only issue (besides scrounging up the money) is finding accommodations.

It's kind of hard to tell you the exact day I'd be there since it will depend on the price of tickets and whatnot but ideally I'd like to be there from the end of December to about Jan 17th/18th. Most likely starting in NY and then ending in DC.

Anyhow, I need some help along the way in the BJJ community to allow me to stay in certain areas and if you don't mind being a tour guide, that'd be great. I'll be writing plenty of pieces for GRACIEMAG.com (I got hired for them, I'll have to explain that in another post. I promise I will soon!)

So if you or someone you know wants to entertain me for a day or a few days along the east coast near a major academy, please let me know and I'd be grateful. I'll teach you weird feet hooks, how to crochet a beanie and tell you cool stories about anything you want. And I'll write about you too!

Thanks for the help, guys! Message me on facebook should you be able to help in my backpacking adventure!

What the heck are you doing with your life?

How many times have you stopped everything you're doing and asked yourself, "what am I doing with my life?" How many times? Have you ever? Only when you know things have gotten shitty? What about when things are going great? What about when you feel like you can't actually change much? And what about asking when you already asked yourself a week ago and the answer was fulfilling then? What if it's not anymore? Can that happen? Can you be satisfied one week and the next be completely lost? What about annoyed at yourself? Is that beating yourself up? Is it okay to beat yourself up into shape? What shape do you want to be? Do you want to be good at something? Why not great? Why not the best? What if you want to be the best at many things? What about just two? Isn't two okay? Isn't that manageable? Can you tell me it is?

What the fuck are you doing with your life, Erin?

I can't answer it today. I can't tell you. Maybe I could have told you yesterday but today, I can't. The past week, all I've been able to do is study for my future. I've been looking up job opportunities in another city. I've been looking into the type of journalism I want to be writing. I've been looking into the business cards I want to make to make sure I represent what I want to be. I've been looking up ways to write narratives the way I hope to be writing. I've been looking up reasons why writing is a good career and why it isn't. I've been looking into ways to publish a book. I've been looking at my bank statements. I've been looking into the credit cards I haven't paid off. I've been looking at the assignments I need to be doing in school and tests I need to be studying for. I've been looking into the articles I want to write but haven't been writing them. I've been looking into ways to stay productive, stay healthy, stay in the game. Where am I now, though?

This whole week I've felt more and more disconnected from my goals. I thought I was in it, and somehow I strayed. I thought I knew how to manage my roles but I haven't. Suddenly everything is overwhelming for no reason. It just happened. I've focused so much attention on my goals that my path has gotten slowly more and more unrecognizable. How do I get from here, to my goals?

I spent all day yesterday not doing anything. I pretended I had nothing to do. I hung out with my mom and we ran some errands and I was extremely tired because I didn't take my ritalin. I figured it was okay not to because I wasn't planning on using my brain but it ended up making me extremely hungry and extremely tired and irritable. I slept for 12 hours last night. And today I woke up knowing that I needed to do things and re-enter the world and even though I only spent yesterday as my MIA day, I feel like I've been unknowingly doing that for some time now.

I know it's okay to be gone, right? And it's okay to have setbacks, right? I'm not losing hope. I'm not forgetting my goals. I'm just a little mumbled.

The hard part about taking pharmaceuticals is that you never quite know where the issues are stemming from as you don't really know if it's the old you or the new you. It's a journey that I wasn't ready to embark on until recently. It's helped me accomplish so much but at what cost?

When will I start training again? Initially I was planning to train full time as soon as the school semester ended with the motivation of competing at Europeans. But I've come to the awful realization that I'm not making the money I intended to and I'd be the biggest asshole for taking the money I did make and putting it towards an expensive trip when I still haven't paid off the Europeans trip from 10 months ago, much less anything else on my list of debts. Here is mature Erin talking: I need to pay off my debt and stop living in a fantasy world where I put off all my responsibilities for the impulsive lifestyle.

What are you doing with your life?

I'm taking some classes, I'm writing some articles, I'm covering some events, I'm blogging, I'm not training, I'm eating whatever I want, I'm taking ritalin and gabapentin, I'm making little money, I'm competing at Nogi Worlds, I'm working towards a degree. That's it, I think.

I'm going to write a book.

What role am I today? Oh, all three!

I play many roles. We all do. Role theory has been around for centuries and it plays off the idea that we are constantly attending to social roles that we have either been given or we have assumed. These roles determine how we act and behave, how we are seen by others and how we portray ourselves. But how can we know each other so well when our roles are so conflicting? How can others get to know us as a whole if they only know a small amount of the roles we play? This is my issue and how I am dealing with it determines my success.

I believe that my main roles are that of student, jiu jitsu competitor and writer. Those are in no particular order not because I don't have priorities but because they all equally share my time. To be honest, I cannot be more than one of those roles at any given moment. And although I may write about jiu jitsu, and one may influence the other, I am either one or the other.

I struggle with the fact that each identity has me building relationships as one type of person while I may really want to get to know a person based on a different role. But at the time I am in their presence I am stuck. And my goals are specific to each role however the time, effort and heart that I place in each must all be sacrificed for the others.

As a student, I should set my priority as school first. After all, my mom is helping me out by paying for my schooling and any slacking off would surely be a form of disrespect. But my heart is not in my education. If you know me at all, my worth is not found in the form of a letter grade and a classroom is not where I learn my most important life lessons. This is not who I am. However, assuming the role of being a college student places a burden that I am expected to deal with. And not just deal with, but perform with. I've got this literally, heavy as shit backpack of books and laptop and notebooks and I have to maintain my composure. I have to keep going. Because taking off semesters has caused me to be here since 2007. I still have two more years to go if I want to complete my education. It is the completion that drives me to do this, not the degree itself. But it is my goal to complete it and once it is set, it must be accomplished.

The most confliction I have resides within the world of jiu jitsu. It is not common to be an active competitor with goals of being a world champion as well as being part of jiu jitsu press with goals of being the best writer of jiu jitsu. I want to capture the best moments and I want to experience them. Because they both take up so much time as well as interfere with each other, I am usually one or the other. You can always tell which side my focus  has claimed based on my personal appearance. Working out a lot? I'm probably training twice a day. Flabby? I'm probably writing a crapload and interviewing like crazy. Sometimes my brain is the one being exercised, not my muscle memory.

But how can I manage it all?

I am currently being put to the test. This past weekend I attended two major jiu jitsu events. But not to compete. Not to enjoy as a spectator. I was there to cover events-- to interview, to report, to make sense of it all and to give people the feeling that they were there, without using a camera. I was press for Metamoris and I was able to experience two press conferences. At the ADCC Trials I got to interview some big names. But I haven't trained in a week. And I didn't study for my midterm. I was writing and networking and recording and actively watching, trying to remember everything I could about the feeling of being there, the emotions that were displayed and the history that was made. My mind wasn't on my literary criticism and theory. So I drove home after the event Sunday night and I got home after 2 and a half hours of driving where I studied for an hour. Then I woke up early and I studied for more. My midterm was hell but I can only hope that I displayed enough knowledge as it exploded through my pen and onto the 7 pages I hurriedly scribbled down for 75 straight minutes. 

And did I mention I am signed up to compete at the Nogi Worlds in two weeks? Did I tell you that I haven't trained much at all and I am not in shape? But my heart is on the mat and that's where I left it when I placed second at the world championships in June. My heart will always be in jiu jitsu whether it's off the mat or on but my true love will forever be in the spotlight-- as a performer, as a doer, an applier, a protagonist. 

Setting an example is more than just talking about it. I want to apply my theories, my analysis and my knowledge. I gain so much from interviewing the greatest people in my sport. I gain awareness and I can only hope that I can apply it. 

Know me as a doer. Know me as a thinker. And most importantly, know me as a successful individual. I am building my legacy and I've chosen to do so through many routes but all will lead to a fulfilled, happy life full of rich, healthy and righteous rewards. I don't care about being famous, I don't care about making money, I care about making a difference. I care about inspiring. I care about setting standards, I care about establishing my place in history and leaving my mark on and off the mat. For those who have been helping me along the way I am forever grateful and intend to be as beneficial as you have been to me. And for those who don't care to add to my life in anyway, kindly step aside.

Thanks Mike Calimbas for the picture! Check out his photography at www.mikecalimbas.com

Writing is a living, I promise.

I'll try to finish writing this post before my next class. I'm sitting on the tile floor on the 3rd floor of J.R. Hall and my butt is going numb. But I don't really care because I am on a grind. I am working on my approach for a certain event I was given access to cover as press!!

The email came in yesterday and as soon as I read "Congratulations, Erin" and saw who it was from I jumped for joy. I ran down the hall to my mom's room, realized she wasn't there, ran to the other end of the hall skipping back to my room to call her. "I got approved for the Metamoris press pass!"I said as she immediately started raving about TJ Max.

After my first experience as press at the IBJJF American Nationals I took on a new role. And I felt I fit in. I was able to gain access through my zine and BJJPix.com whom I write for now and I had the credibility to wear the orange vest and go wherever I please. I'm still shy in the sense that I don't approach everyone I want to because I don't want to screw up their focus or keep them from doing what they're supposed to be doing but I'll get there. When I saw that Metamoris was going to be this huge event, I had to get a press pass. Then I realized that there was an application process that required a letter from the editor and readership numbers and many other things. Who was I kidding? Pulling Guard Zine will be big but it ain't yet. And I am the editor. And the web guy. And the writer. And the social media manager. And the CEO. And everything else! Plus the proof of exposure was hard to prove because, well, the numbers aren't big yet. So I had to look for another way to get the credibility.

I had a connection to an amazing guy who allowed me to submit a query to Black Belt Magazine. He knew the editor and sent in my request along with a personal note that vouched for me in a way that allowed me to see my worth. I feel grateful to someone notice that I am a driven individual with a lot of potential and charisma. Thanks, Tom! Anyway, the editor got back to us and didn't see the value in having me write about the event for their pblicatoin. However in the meantime, William Burkhardt of BJJPix.com whom I work with/for said he'd been approached. While he couldn't make it to the event personally, he was going to be sending a girl to shoot photos and guess who else? His local writer, of course.

While this isn't a world champion title or a new sponsorship, this is a big step in my newest journey. I am still narrowing down my skills and working towards being independently wealthy while enjoying my passions but this is a great help. I need to make sure that I cover this event in ways that overshadow the others. I want to reveal things that weren't seen by the "average" eye. It's not about getting the most exclusive interview or taking a picture with Nicolas Cage (which I will do if he is in fact in attendance as they said), it's about getting the story that will last a long time. Sure, it's a current event and it's got a timestamp but not when you write something that helps solidify something in history.

I'm not sure if you've realized but this is a historical event for our sport. Just wait until you start seeing more tournaments popping up with prize money and even more celebrity endorsements. More respect for the athletes and more entertainment for the crowd of non-gi whores, non-competitors, non-extreme enthusiasts. Yes, this can and will be enjoyed like the UFC one day.

I wonder if there will be walk out music?

Stay tuned for the updates, I've got big things comin' and this girl is going to be big. (especially if I keep eating Trader Joe's Pumpkin Ice Cream). After I get my homework done of course.

I know my worth, do you?

People like humility, honesty and vulnerability. As long as it has a purpose. Droning on about a situation you're dealing with or a trait you have is nobody's business until you make it their business. Blog posts do well when you can give life experience or knowledge and apply it to advice. It can be any advice, really. But that advice will determine what type of audience you're targeting as well as how BIG the audience.

My audience is indescribable. Maybe if I had google analytics tracking it, I'd have a better idea. But I just talk regardless and whoever listens, listens. Competitors, females, moms, writers, photographers, friends of mine, family members. They all get a kick out of it for different reasons. My dad reads it because he gains the best knowledge of what the hell I've been up to since I'm usually never available to chat with him. Females read it to be able to relate to me in the jiu jitsu world or just being a girl struggling in any male-dominated world. Random people read it for pure entertainment. It's multifaceted and to be honest, it's probably boring to most people. So if you gain anything at all from reading my posts, let me know. It makes my day.

This blog is in no way my marketing charm even though it comes up first on any google search made on my name. Who wants to hear about a girl having depression, gossiping and having negative thoughts. Some of my posts have no recognition of aspirations whatsoever. In a business mentality, who the hell wants to hire THAT?

Well, I'm honest. I expose myself like an "open book" and as a whole, I am chasing a dream. Sometimes that dream is far fetched and it combines with my writing dreams but by reading my blog you see the picture of both. With every facet of failure, success and all the emotions arriving from them. This makes me relatable. Human resources need relatability and someone who can empathize.

I provide a sense of vulnerability that allow others to learn from my mistakes. I can tell you to never lose your confidence before stepping on the mat. Never let the idea of an opponent trip you up and cause you to lose faith in your own ability. Most jiu jitsu competitors at a high level can tell you that. Cobrinha and Buchecha and Rodolfo and Luanna can tell you that. But you're more likely to understand when it's coming from me. Why? Because I describe a situation that would be very similar to one you'd experience. I'm willing to offer you the chance to get in my head, know what happened and understand it from a viewpoint that will make you learn. Although, in most cases, you'll just have to learn for yourself. Ain't that the truth.

My conversational writing style allows for people to feel like they know me. And by all means, you can say you do. You will know what to expect when hanging with me. What I've been through, what I've done and where I'm going. My humor, my temper, my pet peeves, my interests. Striking up a conversation would be easy and I've totally done it before with people who only know my online presence. You can trust what's coming out of my.. fingers.. because who would lie or be deceitful through a personal blog with no real intent? Probably someone.. but not me!

Jiu jitsu is in more ways than one, a way to learn about yourself. These are things I've learned through jiu jitsu and the opportunity to write about it. Writing in general is a way for me to talk and have no one tell me to stop. I'm sure that's evident. But also, jiu jitsu is a way to do something for yourself, with others and gain confidence. Establish goals whether it's competitions or passing a guard. The rewards are the same because the fulfillment acquired is priceless.

My advice in this post is to do what you want, find your worth in it and then use that to keep doing what you're doing. As long as it has a purpose.

Wanting to write but not knowing exactly what to write is a haunting feeling. I want to talk about so much but I'm learning to keep things to my self at the same time. Not doing well with that. I want to tell you that the last 2 months of my life have been utterly depressing. Not the adjective, the disease. I want to tell you that I've been through so many things in just a matter of weeks that involve love, devastating loss, jealousy, failure, despair, fear and hope. But I can't tell you those things because they belong to me or something.

I believe things have come full circle. That I needed to go through these things in order for other opportunities to arise. Back in July I went to a tournament that boasted to have 7 other purple belts participating in a gi superfight. I signed on after much consideration after realizing that this whole fight everyone win or lose strategy would be a great way to test my skills against the purple belt division. Once I arrived, I realized it wasn't in a venue like the last competition they held, but in their warehouse gym with no A/C. I looked around and realized there were only three other girls. In actuality, I wasn't feeling too good and the heat was nauseating so I wasn't pissed about only having three fights. Finally when it came our time to go, I had my first match with a heavyweight. I managed to fend her off and get a sweep into mount earning me the win. Right after that, I went against a girl I had fought twice before. I pulled guard, swept, ended up in closed guard, got swept and she landed in mount where I defended an americana for the rest of the match. The third match was against a really strong tough girl. She passed my guard but instead of going into mount, which would have been less painful for me, she decided to go to knee on belly. Twenty times. I'd hip out and push her knee off, then she'd take the other one and slam it down into my solar plexus. This lasted for about 5 minutes. Glorious. The following week it hurt to walk I was so sore and I had a scab under my chin from the gnarly shoulder pressure I received. It was a horrifying day.

My training suffered thereafter despite my will to get better. With such a crippling experience in my first purple belt matches, I knew I had to get back into training hard. Too bad I was letting every little thing get in the way of that. I have little money because I haven't been able to get a job since I dropped out of life for Pan Ams and Worlds training. I've never had too much of an issue getting an admin position through craigslist but these days my resume seems to be diminishing into thin air. The drive to the academy takes up $50 bucks a week in gas if I'm driving every day. Knowing I had a small stipend to live off of for who knows how long prevented me from driving to the academy as much as I was before. If people flaked for conditioning I freaked and left thinking I'd be spending my time better elsewhere, like on my zine or my venture site into internet marketing. When I intended to drill but didn't make the plans beforehand or grew the balls to butt into someone else's session, I sat on the couch instead so I could be bitter about lacking the ability to drill. When I felt any ounce of anxiety at any point during training, I excused myself with no real reason and left. Sometimes I'd feel it before we even started drilling the first technique and other times I'd make it until it was time to roll. It always consisted of walking over to Cobrinha, telling him I had to go, being completely honest and leaving. "You have to go?," he says.  Since he knows I didn't have much on my agenda it's no wonder he questioned it. "Where are you going?," he'd ask. "I don't know" coupled with a blank stare would do the trick and he'd let me leave. Sometimes I think I wished he'd tell me that I needed to stay no matter what I was feeling. Even if it meant bursting out in tears on the mat because my eyes were attached to a time bomb and whether I made it to the bathroom in time didn't matter. I just wanted to cry.

Eventually I just stopped coming as often. I'd trade training for a day of sitting at home watching the olympics. Whatever I needed to do, I would do because it felt like some sort of healing process. If being excruciating lonely and pushing people away at all cost was any way of healing, I can't say. It might have worked and it might have buried myself deeper. Looking back on what I had when I was training for Worlds, when I placed second (although a devastating moment when I lost the finals), when I received my purple belt a week later and when I visited for an amazing trip in Maryland/DC/Virginia, that was the last of my routine life. Once I returned, I didn't have my conditioning at 9am 3 times a week. I didn't have my gi classes every night because we went back to nogi classes. I didn't have my teammates showing up early every day to train late with the shared focus and determination of accomplishing something great. I didn't have all the visitors to spend time with like Malfa, Tanner, Thomas Lisboa, Simone, Monique, Mario, Mayra, Gabi and others. Coming home after a great weekend left me not only lost but missing things. Missing what I thought I gained in DC and quickly realizing it wasn't long term. Missing what I had before I left in terms of training and a bond with my training partners. My plans of quickly getting a part time job to assist my plane ride back to DC a month after were slowly becoming less and less realistic. And my hopes in anything, really, were being crushed over and over again due to my crippling depression. There's a quote I found that reads: "That's how depression hits. One day you wake up and you're afraid you're gonna live."

Dealing with failures, with change, with loss. Those are all reasons to be sad. You know, the kind of sad where you cry a bit, eat some ice cream and continue on your way. Where you make some changes and get back on your feet. Due to my stupid brain, I couldn't get back up. I'd have days where I'd be progressive. I made some little pockets of money here and there. Built a couple websites. Ventured into internet marketing. Tried regaining a friendship. But they all were either shut down and/or merely refused to last.

I talk in past tense like this was a thing of the past. It's not. This is the first day that I'm going to bed feeling like I did a bunch of good stuff without trying. I just had a somewhat regular day with some good news sprinkled here and there, and I'm not hoping to go to sleep and never wake up.. I believe this is the turning point but I don't want to jinx it. I'm not making any major plans and I don't rush this transformation period. I can't leave it until I'm convinced I learned enough from it. That I'll improve my life and my mindset. But I want others to know that my intentions for revealing these issues are not for forgiveness or to be able to brush it off. These aren't excuses for my behavior but I can really only hope that the people I consider friends are lax about it. I am trying to get over this mega hump in my way and the only purpose of posting about it is to be sure I am documenting every part of my journey. I do intend to build my legacy no matter how many valleys and mountains I have to overcome. Or how many days I have to drag myself out of bed. It will all be worth it.

3rd year

The person pictured in the photo above is someone I don't even know anymore. Three years ago today I tried my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class. I came home with a bruise and complained about it on facebook. At the time I had acrylic nails, chubby baby fat and I was just getting rid of my acne. I walked into that gym hoping to find something to brag about to my friends. What I ended up getting was a lifestyle change that has made me into a driven individual today. And those friends I wanted to impress have dropped off completely.

Three years ago the most drive I had was the antsy pantsy adrenaline rush when I was waiting for a text from a guy I liked. In reality, it only drove me to pursue guys who were scumbags. While I was working and I was in school full-time, my major wasn't anywhere near what it has changed to now and my money was vanishing in thin air via gas and eating out. At the time I had a gym membership but never went once the entire 6 months I was signed up. Not once because I was afraid to be gawked at our looked at funny or most importantly, judged. The most accomplished moment of my life was graduating high school. Below that might have been completing an endurance horse ride or competing in a music festival in New Orleans, both at the age of 13. High school was a bore and uneventful and I never developed into a skilled athlete, artist, scholar, musician or any kind of trade. I hadn't chosen a lifestyle and I wasn't sure who I was. 

In 2009 that all changed. I remember when Brian, the muay thai coach who noticed everything like a new haircut, told me one day that he noticed I had lost weight in my face. Then I noticed that when I wore a tube top, the fat near my armpits didn't bulge at all. (Big news for a girl!) And so the physical changes were obviously the more noticeable changes I saw. Once I started competing I turned into an athlete. Competing has given me the most intense experiences of my life. I have grown tremendously from them.

When I won two tournaments in a row to earn my blue belt, I felt more accomplished than any other time. Receiving my belt on the podium felt like the Olympics to me. My work was being acknowledged in public and in great fashion. When I lost at the 2011 Las Vegas Trials, in that very same venue, I left that weekend thinking I was never going to win anything major. I had gotten 3 bronze medals in 3 different divisions. Not to mention, my mentor was crushed for his own reasons and it was a disheartening weekend. But I still went to the San Diego Trials a month later. I didn't give up and I placed second in the open division at blue belt after less than 1.5 years of training, narrowly missing the trip to Abu Dhabi. I learned. And I didn't give up.

When I lost a devastating and embarrassing match at the 2012 Europeans, I was crushed. I returned to home with my head down and not wanting to talk to anyone. After the 2012 San Diego Trials ended with a first match loss again, I made the necessary changes to manage a life of full time training even if only temporary. The person I was three years ago would never understand the mentality I have today. Hell, we wouldn't even be friends.

The sacrifices I've made in the past three years have been more than worth it. The losses I've endured and the accomplishments I have gained are the most internally life-changing moments that will be the foundation of my future jiu jitsu journey. The drive I have today pushes me to aim for World Championship titles, for success in everything that I do and to pass limits that I previously set for myself. My eyes are open but targeted towards what I want in whatever way I can get it and past any obstacles that occur.

Tomorrow starts the fourth year and I hope to be making this type of post in a year with many in between. Thanks for reading thus far (and if this is the first post, that's cool too.)

P.S. Here is my first ju jitsu match ever in 2009 after 3 months of training. In the white gi.

I don't have to get up in the morning

“Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter.” - Neil Gaiman

I have a habit of leaving many internet tabs open at a time. Call me a hoarder, but I feel like once I open up a link or website, I need to save it for later or perhaps refer back to it often. Sometimes I get to reading something new and there are links to other sites or other blog posts. I right click and I open them in a new tab. To tell you the truth, I may never even get back to that tab. I may never read it before one day I just need a fucking refresh-- a new start. I made that start just now. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced. My computer now decides to shut off randomly even when plugged in. But that isn't the problem. I can start it back up, open up my internet browser and behold! It asks me if I want to restore the tabs. Why yes, yes I do. And so that's not the issue that happened to me now. This time, while sitting at starbucks, my wifi somehow opted to hook up to some TWC cable whatchamacallit and all the sudden all of my tabs were redirecting to the sign in page. Gone.

So I restarted my browser and started from scratch. I may have 7 tabs open already in a span of 15 minutes but that's a lot better than the 27 I had before. It feels good. I didn't want it but I needed it. I'll try not to make it a habit and once I'm done updating this, I'll close it. Because I really don't need to refer to my blog that often. The page numbers don't change that much and the content is always the same. I know the URL by heart.

I haven't trained in a few days. My head is a mess and my heart is somewhere on the floor of my teammate's apartment whom I am dog/housesitting for, probably covered in dog hair and slobbered on. My brain is somewhere near it, or at least I hope. I feel things a lot more intensely than other people and I've struggled with it my whole life. I've fought people over it but in the end, I've accepted it. This is just one of those times. It's okay that I'm feeling everything right now because it will in turn help me to make the right decisions. Even if I don't feel that I had much control over them.

I don't know if anyone can relate but I've created a life for myself currently that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Everything is up in the air. This is true for everyone, I assure you. You can change anything you want at anytime. You can pick up and leave I promise. But will you? I will. I need a job and I need some goals. I've got a new belt and I've got a new set of challenges in terms of jiu jitsu competition. I've got new responsibilities and some new friends. Some new drama and some new vices. But it's still all up in the air. I haven't decided where I'm headed yet but once I do, I will let you know.

I'm sorry I'm so scatterbrained.

I'm sitting in Maryland right now. I've been here for a week and I leave tomorrow. The reason I'm here actually changed the day I competed at Worlds. And I didn't decide if I was going to still use the plane ticket until a couple days before departure. It's funny how things turn out.

I competed at Worlds and I don't think I ever posted here what my results were. I placed second. I accomplished a lot of things that day including overcoming my nerves, which weren't really an issue even at Pan Ams. I went in there confident, knowing that I have the experience, skill and talent to be the best on the mat that day. Unfortunately, I met a girl from Team Lloyd Irvin in the final and she ended up coming out on top, literally, with an advantage from the double guard pull and nothing else. I was defending my guard the whole time so even if it did boil down to ref's decision, she still would have won. Not me.

People probably think I'm crazy for posting so many personal things about my life on a public blog. But I really don't care. The day I competed I also got dumped. It came as a shock despite knowing I was in the worst type of relationship ever and it was never supported by anyone who cares for me. Either way, it was still hard to deal with. My ticket to DC was to go stay with my bf and do really awesome things like roadtrip and see Canada and Niagara Falls. It would have been great. Instead, I ended up coming to stay with my amazing friend, Kenny, 20 minutes away from the asshole that tried to ruin my trip in the first place. I'm so grateful my trip turned out this way instead of going as originally planned. It would have only dug my head deeper into my ass. If you know me in person, you know who that dude is and I don't want to talk about him because he doesn't deserve my time or yours. But know that he's not malicious, he doesn't have the intent to hurt people, he just doesn't care. There's a difference.

I'm about to head off to 50/50 to train with Kenny and Jen Flannery and Seph Smith and Gianni Grippo and of course, Ryan Hall. I can't even count how many times I laugh in their presence. The training is great and I think they've thanked me more for coming than I've thanked them. I gotta fix that.

Sign up for my zine, I've got great things coming. I really suck at audio interviews and I wanted to release my interview with the amazing Keenan Cornelius buttttt the quality sucks. So I'm trying to salvage it, I promise the content is worth waiting for, just be patient.

www.pullingguardzine.com or you can opt in to the right!

Next Chapter

I have no idea where to start with this post. Everything in my life has been exponentially better because of jiu jitsu. The role models that I have had, Romulo and Cobrinha, have both shaped me not only as a jiu jitsu athlete but as a person. I learned that I needed to push through whatever was in my way from Romulo-- that no one should ever be able to throw me off my path. I struggled so much with the decisions in my life, so much that I never really progressed. I just enjoyed making things worse for myself. Cobrinha has taught me that being positive in life is what matters most.
Everything is how you look at it. Cobrinha isn't a very forward guy and it takes a real long time to get him to open up but I feel that I'm getting there. I remember a conversation I had with him where we actually discussed my mentality. He wanted me to just think positively. I said that I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, things that plague my mind. Things that I never thought I could get past. He reiterated that it doesn't matter what someone tells me I have or how I am, I can always erase negative thoughts and make changes. Solve problems. He's always pushed me to solve my problems and I have. Since beginning my training at Cobrinha's I have finally trudged along my path of happiness. The hardest thing is deciding what you want in life. And I'm finally there. The amount of negative events that have happened have not derailed my confidence in myself and I have not lost sight of where I am going.

I know that my negativity has often plagued the mats at Cobrinha BJJ. I often never realized it but I know now that it only takes one negative image, thought, word, sentence, you name it, to shake up that balance. I want to say I'm sorry for being that person and being a disease that spread from outside of my own mind and onto the mats.

Today I was promoted to purple belt by Rubens "Cobrinha" Charles Maciel after 2 years and 10 months of training. Cobrinha made a speech stating that I not only have improved in jiu jitsu but in life. I haven't complained, I haven't been negative and I have worked hard at becoming a more positive person. It was so hard not to cry. I'm so lucky to have not only an instructor in jiu jitsu but a life coach, whether he signed on for the latter or not.

Thank you Cobrinha for making me solve my problems. I see things so much clearer now and without your influence, I would have never pushed myself to face my issues head on and deal with them in a mature manner. You have given me such clarity that I feel I can do anything now. We may not be homies, or bffs and I can't tell you everything about my life but it's because of this type of relationship that I've realized how obsolete those factors really are in my life. My training partners have been a pivotal role in my journey. I never had the support I have here. My female training partners are the best part of my training and without you girls, I wouldn't have the capacity to do what I do. I have a huge road ahead of me and this is still the beginning but getting here is a chapter that I can finally end. This past year was hell at times and glorious in others. Either way, I am a better person and I can only hope that my journey continues at a similar progressive pace.

Please sign up for my zine to the right of this post. Pulling Guard Zine is my baby and I will treat is as such. Now that I've moved it online, I can update with content constantly and give it the dedication it deserves as well as give you, the reader, the content you deserve. It would mean the world to me if you would follow my journey to building a legacy. Ossss.

My mom went to the dentist about an hour ago. Not long after she left I pressed the down arrow on her remote to which the whole input changed on the T.V. giving me a blue screen along with a floating grey box that reads "No Signal." Beautiful. First I went to the remote and suddenly buttons are reprogrammed and the ones I need to work, well.. aren't anymore. The cable box responds but the T.V. won't get off this frickin blue screen. Even after I reprogram the remote to the T.V., reboot the cable box, hard reset the T.V. and try to get the control buttons on the T.V. itself to help it reclaim its sanity. So far, no luck. Not only will my mom be stressed when she gets home as there's something new to deal with, I have lost the majority of my entertainment for the day-- unless I move to my sister's room where there is another cable box. Maybe you don't understand how much I am relying on these cable channels for my own sanity. The past few days my time has been spent purely indoors. The only time I left the house was to make a visit to the urgent care.

On Friday I thought it would be a great day to go to the beach given that the weather was really heating up and all of us training at Cobrinha's could use one mid-day retreat to relax in the sun. I wasn't sure of everyone else, but my hours of sun were quite limited due to training, work, driving and resting. I had planned the beach day a few days before and got a few heads to show interest. When I woke up, my left tonsil was sore but it wasn't really anything to worry about since I have problem tonsils that act up occasionally. I continued to drive to the academy to participate in conditioning, work on a friend's e-book after and then begin noon class. By the time we started drilling I had started feeling a bit icky but continued on. When it came time to roll I sat out for two rolls but not before I was called out by Cobrinha for resting. A week before the World Championships and I'm sitting out because I "don't feel well" wasn't really a great excuse. I felt the drive to get my ass in gear even though Cobrinha gave me the look of, "okay..sure...." but still let me sit. I wouldn't let myself sit. I ended up rolling the last couple rolls but after class I sat in the locker room dwindling down. While waiting endlessly for my turn to shower, I made was feeling more run down. It probably took nearly an hour just to get my turn to clean myself given that 5 women from Brazil are here for the Worlds. By the time Tove and I had gotten ready to set out for the beach, my number of volunteers diminished. I figured we'd set out on our own, determined to materialize our plans but as soon as I started driving I was increasingly more sick. By the time we made the decision to turn around, get some meds from CVS or Walgreens and rest at the place all the visitors were staying, three-day weekend traffic decided to make my life hell. It took about an hour and I was dying. I got to sleep when I got to the house but by 9pm I decided it was time to get my ass home. A 26 mile drive, I have nooooo idea how I made it home so sick.

So between Friday and now I've gained more swelling in my tonsils, more pus on my tonsils, more pain, more fever, more nausea then less fever, less nausea, less pain, less swelling and less pus. If you had asked me a couple days ago if I would be okay to compete Friday morning I would have told you that "I doubt it." I'm still weak and not pushing it but I will be there on the mat to push my best.

This story isn't so great and could have been cut down to a few sentences but it's important I map it out. I have spent almost three years preparing to compete in this tournament that could sum up my whole jiu jitsu experience. One weekend before and I'm feeling like death-- surely a way to derail my competition focus.

On another note, I fixed the T.V....

I never wanted to win at school. High school was the place that I settled for just getting by. I didn't have an excuse for not producing my best work and putting all of my energy into earning high grades. A grade of B was just fine for me because it didn't make anyone nag to me or disappoint my parents. When I see people who do well in school I feel like that could never have been me. I don't want that. It wasn't until now that I have the drive to be the best. I know what my head and heart feel when I have no intention of giving something my full attention and succeeding. That was everything in my past. Here and now, training for the World Championships I know the gold is mine. My opponents will have to want it more than me and literally break me if they want to see me fail. This is what I can excel in, this is where I can claim the best prize, recognition for my efforts and title. No magna cum laude, but rather the ability to say that I am a world champion. On a lighter note check out two companies I support who are supporting my endeavors. www.rolladaptwin.com and www.invertedgear.com Two new great companies, put together would be some raw pandas. Heyo!

I don't think I could have ever imagined being so at peace with life in the way that it is now. Back in my cubicle days, if you told me that I'd be training jiu jitsu full-time without school or work getting in the way, I would have been ecstatic but definitely reluctant to believe that something as cool as this would come true. When I worked at the academy I remember thinking that I would never want to be a full-time athlete. Really, that was the stress of the job talking. It was hard to separate the two, remember? I couldn't go on the mat feeling like I was there because I wanted to be. These days I am there solely because I want to win gold. I am there because I want to accomplish my life goals which are now to win worlds. My goal when I made this very temporary life change, was to win pan ams. I accomplished that goal.

I trained twice a day every week day, I did conditioning mon-wed-fri, trained once on Saturdays and came in to drill on Sundays. I hate having to leave my house at 7:30am just to sit in traffic for over an hour just to make sure I'm at conditioning on time, yet the feeling of missing conditioning any day is a worse feeling. When you're missing work or you're late, absentminded or just doing a shitty job you have the burden of someone else reprimanding you. With jiu jitsu there's no policy for missed days and there's no clocking in. That feeling I get, that antsy, dreadful regret I feel when I miss it, that's the feeling of letting myself down. That's the worst feeling. Worse than disappointing your parents. Yeah, rough. So I've got myself to keep me in line and it's an amazing feeling having the motivation to do so. If only I could do that with my writing...

The day of the 2012 Pan American Championships I was actually too relaxed. I had to drink some coffee and slap myself in the face in order to wake up. My first match was against a Gracie Barra girl. I got her in a triangle right away but I could not finish it. A very familiar situation. I swear I got better but this girl was too stubborn. I let go and attempted to sweep her over head but her knee landed on my face. I kept going but when we stopped to go back to the center I realized my nose was bleeding which wasn't a shock. The medic took forever to squeeze a tampon up my nose and the ref was rushing me to get on with it. When we started again, I swept to mount but didn't end up finishing her. My second match was against a girl I've been friends with through the jiu jitsu community. Not the type of friend that I tell my boy problems to but the type that I'm not afraid to chat with. This is because she was a middleweight. Recently she took up body building and dropped down to feather. We ended up playing a double guard pull game til she came up. I swept and she went for what looked like a knee bar and the ref called a DQ right away. I'm sure she wouldn't be going for one but the reffing has become more strict in that regard I guess so it was called. Shitty way to win. My third match was against a Lloyd Irvin girl. I walked behind her as we were led back to the mat from the bullpen and thought about how I refused to lose to a Lloyd Irvin team member. It was another double guard pull but I was able to make her come up. I swept her but she got me in a triangle. I held on for 4 minutes. Four minutes I was in another world. Cobrinha yelled instructions for me to make sure I could relieve the choke and hide my limbs. I sprawled, I shifted my weight, I held on to my arm for dear life and my eyes were closed the whole time. For the first time in my jiu jitsu career I showed that I had heart. I was put in a bad situation and I chose to not give up. When the match ended and I survived the submission attempt, I was up by two points and I celebrated as if it was the final. It was an amazing feeling. My semi-final match was another triangle failure. I was up on points and ended up winning but it didn't really feel all that great. The worst match of the day was still yet to come. After winning my 4th match I knew that I was in the finals with my teammate. I asked Cobrinha how it should be handled but he decided to let us work it out ourselves. Jennifer had 4 matches as well that day with 2 being submissions. In my head I felt like she had the better day. She beats me in the gym every day and has been training longer than me. It's hard to not compare myself to her. Compare in the sense that we're both blue belt feather weights. I know this is all in my head and no one actively says "look at how much better Jennifer is" but when her and I end up winning an equal amount of matches in the same division it's an odd way to feel. When I addressed the situation to her, she first asked what I wanted to do. I said "of course I want the gold." She felt the same, obviously. We both worked so hard to get to the top of the podium and now we both had each other in the way. She opted for rock, paper scissors but said only 1 not 2 out of 3. She won.

And so I got a silver medal at pan ams 2 years in a row. Sure, I "won" because I "closed out" my division but sharing the title is not as great as I expected it to feel. Which is why I've considered dropping weight for worlds. As far as I know there are no Alliance girls competing at light feather and so I could have my own division, my own accomplishment and my own world champion title. No sharing involved. I don't know if I'll make that decision or not, it's something I really have to figure out soon, though.

I have big things coming. I have myself right where I want to be. In regards to the future, I have no clue. I had to set a dentist appointment today for 6 months from now. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to be. I told her whatever she wanted was fine but I have a feeling it will need to be changed. I don't know what job I'll have, what my training will be like, if I'll be in school or not. I don't care. I don't care that I have no idea what I will be doing after worlds because all I care about now is jiu jitsu. I did, however, change my major to creative writing and I understand that it will take me at least 2 more years to complete my degree but I'm okay with that. As long as I accomplish a degree in what I love, it won't matter how long it takes me. As long as I am living in a way that is in tune with my happiness.

Expect a Buchecha interview on Budovideos, perhaps some new blogging elsewhere and a great great article that may spark some controversy given that the first draft was completely shunned by the subject. Whether it's up his impossible standards or not, an article will be written. Stayyyyyy tuned.

I have all I need

Training is long. This is the last week before Pan Ams. You sit back when you feel you have enough time to eat crap, skip training sessions, sleep in, and mentally rest before the preparation until you feel it. It's too late. You should have found the motivation a month ago but you were too content chillin' until that point where you need to train hard. "I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I indulge in this amazing donut." Except that panic you get when you realize it's two weeks away and that's not much time to change anything in your plans. It's a weird feeling but can be prevented if you force yourself to start even when you think it's too early. That donut can wait til after you've won all your matches.

There's a band called Gorilla Biscuits. It's one of those old hardcore bands that you have to claim to know if you want to be presumed as a real hardcore enthusiast. I faked that. I bought the CD and listened to it for a week but couldn't listen to it long enough to mark it down on my list of things to talk about when justifying my credibility in the scene. I'm pretty sure I just went back to listening to The Starting Line or something as equally as stereotypical of a 15 year old girl. The song I do remember, however, is "Start Today." It's weird that whenever I think of those words I think about that song. And whenever I have a thought in my head to either make a change in my life or try something new, I think of those words. I'd totally get it tattooed on my wrists but I didn't gain the credibility.

I think I started training for Pan Ams when I should have. When I could have. If I didn't have the trials to push me into this high gear then I never would have survived thus far. My life is only jiu jitsu. I don't see my mom and I don't watch Grey's Anatomy with her every Thursday night when I would normally skip out on class since it's usually no-gi. She even went to the market without me on Saturday when that's been our ritual ever since I can remember. I don't think of much else. I know a guy who twitches in his sleep quite often. Reluctantly to say, I'll go ahead and reveal that I know 2 guys who twitch in their sleep. Because they're dreaming of jiu jitsu. I thought it was really weird and I'd heard of people hip escaping in their beds to roll over which a lot of us do but having jiu jitsu cause you to twitch is weird-- until I started doing it. Sometimes it jerks me awake. When I dream I think about passing because it's been my focus. And sometimes you've gotta be explosive so I guess it makes sense.

The one thing I dislike about all this training is the loneliness. There is no real cure and in fact the temporary fixes are often detrimental and even hazardous. I rely on my teammates to keep me sane with their jokes and the lunches we have in between training sessions but when they leave and I'm left at the academy I feel like a puppy at a pound. I'm truly grateful for the people in my life. I went through a phase of not liking my teammates. I didn't feel a connection but since San Diego it's there. And if they read this, I'd like them to know how much I appreciate everything. The hugs when I need them, the jokes, the teasing, the sarcasm and the motivation to push past the mental blocks during rolling. Without you guys I'd be miserable and I never would be here where I am now.

Furthermore, this academy is my home. I am here more than I am at my house and I feel that I can do no wrong. When I leave I get into trouble whether its spending money or wasting time but when I'm here all of my choices are warranted. I am kept in line. When I worked here it felt more like a prison. People would come visit the academy and when everyone got to hang out together at the Grove, I'd be behind the desk. Although I'm not working or making money right now, it feels like I shouldn't be anywhere else. I thought I knew where I was going but once I made the choice to stay here in the gym it felt so comforting.

I have all I need.

Finally free.

I left the start-up. While I was assured a position and was unofficially moved from intern to full-time employee, the role never really stuck. They said I'd be full-time, have a set stipend and then in 2-3 months move to salary with insurance and making enough to move out of my parents' house and closer to the office in Santa Monica. It never really blossomed and I started hating what I was doing. What I thought would be a blogging/social media internship turned out to be a customer service internship. What I thought would be a full-time PR/Marketing position was really a full-time answer the phone, call people a lot position. Once it was determined that wasn't something I enjoyed at all, I opted out of being included in the role formation.

So I'm a full-time Cobrinha blue belt. I have no idea how long this will last or the likelihood that I'll be able to sustain this lifestyle through freelance writing yet but I'm willing to make a damn good attempt. Feels weird being at the academy all day again since that was how I started working there. They've since replaced me so now I'm back to being a bum. Driving the 26 miles back to my house isn't an option due to high gas prices so while every other jiu jitsu bum at the academy goes home to eat and rest in between training sessions, I find ways to be productive. Not a bad life, just will take some time to find the best ways I get my own things done without A.) spending money B.) wasting valuable time and C.) getting lonely.

I didn't plan it to be this way. I didn't tell myself to save up money and I didn't plan on leaving the start-up. I just didn't plan anything. After this past weekend at the San Diego Trials a lot changed in my head and I want to really try at something. I watch other jiu jitsu athletes find a way to make it work in order to train full-time and I couldn't keep up because I wanted something else. I watch my old high school friends graduating college and getting into top grad school while I haven't finished my B.A. yet. 

I've been reading this blog: www.blog.penelopetrunk.com I believe her advice is great and she makes me feel comfortable with past decision I've made. Not that I needed someone to tell me that, but it gives me patience.

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2003/08/26/3-things-to-teach-your-kids-so-they-succeed-in-life/

Here is where she speaks about how parents need to raise their children in order to have them succeed. I'm an adult and my mom raised me the way she wanted to but I believe this still applies to me given that I haven't fully left the coop yet. In my position now, it took passion and the risk taking in order for me to be able to work hard. 

In her mailbag Q&A someone asked her what they should do because they haven't committed to anything due to not being passionate about it. Mid-twenties, always trying something new and switching directions, not graduated from college because can't decide a major and working low-end jobs because of it. Sounds familiar! Well here was her answer.

"It’s very common to have no idea what you want to do in your adult life when you are in your mid-twenties. Think about it: You have spent most of your life in school, learning things that do not help you figure out adult life. So now you have had only three or four years to figure out how you want to be as an adult. That’s not very much time. You have about fifty more years of adult life. You have plenty of time to get a good plan.

Meanwhile, keep trying new things. The way you find something you want to stick with is to try a lot of things to figure out what you are passionate enough to stick with. There is no hard in trying 20 things and stopping them because you don’t like them. There is more harm in pretending to be fine with what you are doing because you think you SHOULD be fine.

You are not wasting time if you are learning about yourself. Are you learning from all the things you are doing and not sticking with? Then you’re okay. If you are not learning about yourself then you might be paralyzed by fear. And then you might need help — coaching to get some focus, or therapy to get some personal insight. But most people who are lost in their twenties are just fine.

Side note: It’s too bad parents don’t warn kids, as they are growing up, that one’s twenties is a time for being lost.

Penelope"

I lost my first match at Abu Dhabi Trials due to ref's decision. The next day was my last day working and now I'm here. My mom's freaking out. I have a speeding ticket to pay, academy dues, gas, car insurance and registration and many other things to pay for but I just don't care. If I'm doing what I feel I need to do then it's right because I never, ever feel this certain that I am where I am meant to be.

Trials, third try.

I've realized that writing here about anything other than jiu jitsu is pointless. And making this statement relieves me of catching you up with everything that has gone on in my life which would just be a bunch of junk despite a few changes.

A week after I came back from Lisbon I quit working at Cobrinha's. It made training feel like a job as well. Too much pressure. The same day I quit, I started school. And I quit school the same day. Also during that day, I got a call from a company saying they wanted to hire me for a paid internship. So I started school, then quit school, then quit my job, then got hired for a new one all in about a total of 5 hours. Talk about some changes.

Let's just say, my skin broke out a lot, my immune system took a hit and I got sick for 2 weeks. Stress is my worst enemy. However, I started training less which actually helped.

I am competing this weekend at the trials. I'm trying to think of competition like I used to. Last year I weighed in, ate a pizookie and drank a coke the night before my matches. I ended up doing better than I have my last two competitions. Maybe the magic is in the yummy, gooey, amazing half baked cookie. Who knows.

What I do know is that the match I had in the open weight finals was the most important match for my jiu jitsu journey. It was like a realization that I'm not horrible at jiu jitsu but also a tease. I was so close. I didn't deserve the trip and I didn't train as hard as my opponent. I don't know how I got there and I don't know how the match was as close as it was. A loss is a loss, though. And I lost the trip.

But it wasn't the trip itself that I wanted. I just wanted to be good enough for it. I watched the match over and over and over again for awhile after. This was during the time I was working at the travel agency so it made it easy for me to sit in my cubicle and stare at the video a few times a day. I hung the second place medal from my rear view mirror for months and months as a reminder for something, I'm not sure. Maybe to train more, maybe to have more confidence or maybe just to work on having a more aggressive game. Either way it was there for that depressing kind of motivation where you just don't want to be there in that situation again so you remind yourself to try not to be. You know, that situation where you're down by an advantage and doing god knows what in inverted guard not attempting anything but not really knowing why you're not doing much, and having your opponent scream her lungs out when the buzzer goes off and run and celebrate while you're still there...inverted...with your ass in the air.

This weekend is the anniversary of that time and I think I'm better. Training with a different team and living a different life. Have I matured? Have I gotten any better at competing? I'm not sure. I want it, though. And I know more jiu jitsu than I did before. I'm ready to just have fun with my team and do what I enjoy doing. I have totally forgotten that I enjoy competing because I've been too busy hating it because of panic attacks and crazy nerves. I like to put my jiu jitsu to the test. I like having an audience watch me play my jiu jitsu. I like meeting new people and I like winning. There's nothing better than winning a match. Except for pizookies... okay close second.

I don't think it's common for a jiu jitsu athlete to be so sensitive. There's a large level of mental toughness that is required and that's something that I just don't have. Or maybe it's not toughness at all.

The best athletes are those who take nothing personal. They win or they lose, they keep moving on. They keep working hard. They go to practice every day the same way. They do not let outside sources affect the way they train, prepare and perform. I am not like this.

I struggled to get to Europe for the Europeans and I made it. I got through an ugly ulcer in my throat and I got through a car accident that totaled my car a week before my departure. Not asking for a congratulations but it was worth noting that I had enough passion to fight through everything and still get here no matter how much debt I'd be in or how unprepared in my training I might have felt due to having to get a new car, missing a week of work and not training much. 

And then when I got to Europe I lost my first match.

I haven't enjoyed training in awhile. Stepping on the mat feels like a job and I am constantly watching the clock through out class time waiting for the chance to stop. 

I have no career, I have no degree, I have no career goals and I am tired of not knowing where I am going despite my constant evaluations of my life. The only thing I have become good at is knowing what I don't or can't do which is a lot. 

Thinking back, the only real time I felt like I was doing something that I was meant to do was when I was creating my zine. No one could tell me I was doing something wrong. No one could tell me how much money to spend on it, how much time to spend on it or how much of a waste of time it was because I knew that I enjoyed every second of it. It was a chance for me to create something solely and completely by myself that truly represented what I was capable of. It was mine. I have never felt that way about jiu jitsu or anything else so I think it's time to go back to that.

As for my match, I gassed out. I had more anxiety than anything I had felt before and without anything to calm me down I went on the mat and competed like complete shit. I couldn't establish my guard, I got passed, I recovered but couldn't keep it. My opponent got mount at the end and that was it. It took awhile to recover and I wanted to puke. I hated every second of being there. I wouldn't do it again if you paid me $10,000. This is not just a match that I lost and that will be avenged by some hard training on the mat what I get home. This is not a case of nerves or just a bad day. I have had those.

Whatever I choose to do when I get home has nothing to do with anything but my lack of passion. It has nothing to do with a bruised ego. It has nothing to do with being a sore loser. I don't care about the match, I care about doing what I love, setting long term life goals and being happy.

Europe has been an amazing trip and I have learned a lot so far. I knew that just my being here would be a huge accomplishment and it was. I can't wait to come back.

It's really hard to leave this blog alone for a large chunk of time and then come back to it with something clear to write about. I've been a hermit for the past 6 months and especially the last couple. My holiday season was whatever. I don't think it was fun or nice or refreshing or relaxing. There was no great family time or good relaxation. In fact, all of my relaxation time was spent doing something and then immediately feeling guilty about it right after because it wasn't conducive to my goals and current should-be lifestyle. I feel like a damn catholic. 

Jiu jitsu may be an individual sport but it takes a team to make a great competitor. It takes support to reach goals. Part of competition training is having a team that will endure everything together and help each other achieve goals and being positive. I'm not talking about speeches about what we should be doing in general, things that are told to us where we feel as far as removed from it as if you just told me to relate my life to kids in Africa. It just doesn't apply. There needs to be a personal level, personal motivation and an overall interest in other teammates' goals. 

A huge thing I've noticed is the presence of shame and guilt in the training regiments. If you don't train, you're led to believe that you have just costed yourself the gold. You just let yourself down. Shame on you. If this is the case, then I don't want to train at all. The presence of negative reinforcement is there even if you don't see it. It's there. The speeches are about positivity but the behavior is negative. Let me place shame on you just because you ate a cookie or you didn't train one class. I think it creates a very negative environment and a place where training super hard and feeling like you're in hell is just not conducive. And training should be hard. Harder than the competition. But if I don't feel the progress or feel the worth in my hell of a training session, it's hard to feel motivated enough to do it 2 times a day.

I leave next week for Europeans and I feel like the last person who should be going to another country to represent my team. I tried to spare myself of that lingering mentality that I need to be training harder than everyone right now and I need to be more focused than anyone but instead I created a challenge for myself that has actually interrupted my focus. I don't feel ready but I never do. Unfortunately I've invested a lot of money for this experience and I wish I could still consider it as such-- an experience that I will always remember. Yes my goal is to win but I also will learn either way and gain knowledge from my first time traveling out of the country. Alone, even. And that should be enough but it's not.