tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31602166950061040842024-03-05T06:03:47.451-08:00Building a LegacyBuilding a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-20079942138707652102013-07-22T00:43:00.001-07:002013-07-22T00:43:48.763-07:00Insatiable hunger<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">There are times when I have such an unrelenting feeling of anxiety that I'm not doing something that I should be. This feeling always drives me to write a post because if I don't, I'll miss my chance to write something that I need to put down. My mom always told me, "do it right now before you forget." She still tells me and while it might imply that it's better to have something done before the opportunity expires, here the part of remembering serves a purpose that records thoughts that may pass. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">"No I am not, where I belong." Dallas Green otherwise known as City & Colour sings genius songs that put together words that seem to be such common thoughts, feelings, issues, but his patchwork of lines always seems to create such richly unique situations. That line stays with me because I never feel like I am where I am supposed to be. Am I simply avoiding a to-do list or am I really not following through with goals? Am I in a position to be working toward my best version of myself? Sometimes going to New York just means a simple visit to see my boyfriend. It means that going there could mean anywhere-- anywhere that he is. I'd follow him anywhere but New York is becoming more than a meeting place. I have reasons to be in LA of course but now that I've spent so much time there in NY, I find replacements for such bonds or at least reasons that allow me to leave here for large chunks of time without feeling bad. Perhaps a lot of my friends and family fear for the day I make such a move however they're already becoming accustomed to my absence.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The way I see life is by purpose and functionality. Emotion plays a large role and I'm often lead by emotions that I don't question but self-awareness is always present. I'm driven by making people think as much as I do. I never write articles that claim to hold truths or information that isn't found in the text. I wouldn't write a title that didn't accurately link to an article that elaborated everything indicated just as I wouldn't claim to be something I'm not. What I am is a seeker of bigger and better things constantly. I may not finish my dinner before my dessert or complete a goal before setting a new one but I will always seek to improve myself and my situation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I bought a plane ticket to return to New York the night before I left to return to LA after a month and a half of being gone. I already bought a different outbound so I can get back there sooner. It's not about escape. It's not about ignoring priorities. I talked to a college advisor while I was in New York. I set up my fall classes. Before that I made the decision to enroll in an online summer class. I got my books mailed there and even started my class. I worked from there. I trained when I wasn't drenched in sweat from simply being at a standstill. My life resumed and I even took on more responsibility. New York isn't a vacation for me. I'm not lucky to be there. I'm working hard to be there and I deserve to be there, living there as I was and will be for the three week trip I chose to use as the remaining time of my summer break as it dwindles.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I won't get sappy but being away from Gianni hurts. It's that sadness that comes from missing out on important events mixed with heavy nostalgia and tossed with a side of insatiable hunger. There's a point in time after being with one person for awhile that you lose part of yourself and that person fills the hole that was left. You accommodate yourself with who they are, what they do and what routine you have together. So as much as you gain from being with someone and building a strong bond, the more you have to lose. And not only that, it makes it that much harder to separate yourself from them mentally, emotionally, physically. When you find someone who picks up what you lack, who evens out your odds and balances you, it's a shock to split yourself from that. I'm not just leaving someone who makes me feel good, I'm leaving a part of my life. I guess that's the best way to explain his role.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">School for fall semester starts August 26 here in LA and I'm finally a senior after six years. If I cram in lots of credits I can graduate by Spring, or more realistically next summer. It's motivating yet still a burden to be working towards my degree. I just want to finish it. As far as Jiu-Jitsu, I failed at Pan Ams losing my first match to a great girl from Scandinavia specifically Norway and I placed third at Worlds losing to a girl from the Netherlands. Although I passed guard in my first match, it was a disappointing run where I gassed from a weight cut that should have been easy and both important events were overshadowed by covering the event for Graciemag. School, Graciemag, training. Ill be out of competition for awhile until I can work out a happy situation that doesn't require me to fail at one to secure success in other fields. I want to say that I'm an advocate for multi-tasking and going for many things at once. But right now I'm torn. Failing at one thing to me is failing at them all and I've cried, hit my head against a wall, thrown shit everywhere, yelled and felt extremely lost, disappointed and run down over it all. I can't stop but I've yet to figure out a solution. I refuse to believe that working for Graciemag is detrimental to my training, enough to cost me the world title, pan am title and the other golds I want. I'm slowly being forgotten as one of the top competitors at my rank and because losing a championship feels worse than losing a job or failing a class, I know I can't give up competing. I swear I will have a solution, just not yet. Ill post about Denmark and Sweden another time, this post is too long.</span>Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-77637547528526709722013-07-01T10:32:00.002-07:002013-07-01T10:32:03.880-07:00Invest in yourself not thingsSometimes I don't sign into my blog because it forces me to log out of my existing google-related websites. My email gets logged out and I have to reopen the gmail AND reconnect the graciemag email. It also logs me out of the google+ page and I have to go through three different windows just to get back to the setting that lets me post as graciemag. But eventually too much time passes, I have done a lot of work already in a day and my brain is working in a way that lets me write like myself.<br />
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I have all my tabs open all the time. The essential ones, anyway. The ones that remind me of my daily or weekly or even monthly tasks. I always have my email up because it's essential I'm reading it and using it often. Facebook is a no brainer. Flickr stays for when I need a picture for an article which is nearly every day. IBJJF stays up for references to dates, tournaments, results and all that important stuff I post about. Graciemag site stays up, one window for writing posts and another for either fact-checking, research or grabbing the picture in a portuguese article because I'm posting the translation and giving credit to the original author. Twitter and google+ stay up so that when I have to do the publishing and promoting of a post, it's easy to the article posted at facebook and those two quickly and easily. Mailchimp is up to remind me that I need to keep up with the autoresponder emails for Inverted gear.<br />
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I was told the other day that I'm no longer needed for that last tab. I was actually waiting for that because I'm not even technically sponsored by them anymore even though Nelson is my friend and stuff. They've been moving forward and I'm sort of left out of the loop anyways. It was only a matter of time until they figured out that as long as you're consistent and can think of interesting and useful advice/topics, email marketing is easy. I'll finish my last email today about how to handle yourself when losing a match and call it quits.<br />
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I've been in New Jersey at Gianni's house since I left home on June 8th. It seems like a long time and it feels it but then in the grand scheme, maybes it's not that long. We went to Denmark and I taught my first class ever at a camp led by BJJ Globetrotter Christian Graugart. I owe this subject much space in this post but it won't get much info because it happened awhile ago.<br />
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I'm not the type of blogger that wants to tell you everything that happens or every place I go to or every single thing I do. It would take the meaning out of writing here and I'd quit. Like I quit my travel blog. If you don't keep up with it, content racks up and you start being so overwhelmed that you no longer want to even post anymore. It's like falling behind in a class without a teacher to tell you to shape-up. But it's okay, I just need to talk about main points.<br />
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I covered an event this past weekend but not for graciemag. I just took photos. I feel like an asshole for writing it here and maybe I should tell them, but it's obviously not that important for them. There was a lot of hype for the event. With superfights and a whole conference of top guys to discuss how the rules and setup should be, you could expect a big event. Well, they never posted about it online once the event came. There was nothing on who won the superfights even though it would have taken two seconds to post it on social media from a phone. The photographs I took haven't been requested yet, there's no email saying where to post them like they said they would send. That's fine, and I don't care but as a person who covers events, it's a wrong move. No one will care about the event if you don't tell people about it after. If there's no press how is anyone supposed to figure out whether they are sad they missed it or decide they'll join in on a future event?<br />
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I applied for a job while I've been here in NJ and they responded no less than 8 hours after it was sent. My resume has grown and much more, my confidence. I can write content and I can build an audience through social media because it's what I've been responsible for. I'm not an expert and I can't make claims like "I'll get you 3,000 likes on facebook in a week" but I understand the value of my work and that's super important. I'm understanding the hard work that I do even if others might look at it as small, not serious of that I'm "living the dream."<br />
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I work remotely and I travel but I didn't see one thing in Abu Dhabi because I was busy working the event the entire time. The only things I saw were whatever was by the highway we drove on between one hotel and the other and the inside of said hotels. I didn't train as much as I should have for Worlds and Pan Ams because I was writing more than I normally do, visiting gyms to film/take pictures of their camps, traveling to IBJJF tournaments that I elected to take on as an effort to do more field work. I had to drop a class in this past semester of college because I knew I didn't have the resources to manage four classes so I opted for three in which I earned two A's. Now I'm taking a summer class, a full load next semester, a class in the winter session and a semester of five classes if I want to graduate next spring, marking seven years in college.<br />
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I'm in New Jersey because I know when school starts that I won't have much time to travel to NY and see Gianni. We've been together every single day since he came to LA on May 19th and the thought of leaving his side to go back home is something I avoid thinking about. I'm spending money while I'm out here, the money I should be using to pay off my credit card. I should be home training at Cobrinha's with my team and spending time with my biggest supporter, my mom. But the time here is well spent and I'm doing whatever I can to indulge before my time is up.<br />
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I've been thinking a lot about my career since I'm finally an official senior. It's hard to imagine living the life of a journalist where the work never ends and you're married to your job unless it's a really great position working for a well-known company. Desk work is not for me unless it's a desk that moves and travels along with me. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do in the long-run but for right now, I'm grateful for the position I have at graciemag.<br />
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Right now my biggest role model is any person who works hard towards something they're passionate about because it's usually against the grain, far from the beaten path and lonely. Luca, my boss, is constantly working towards new projects, bettering the company, working super long hours and fueled by excitement of what he's creating. That's admirable. People who don't rely on help from others to get where they are and understand that hard work is not just working long hours using your brain, hands or both. Hard work is having a goal that you're personally invested in that benefits you and betters you that reaps rewards. To me, I admire people who aren't driven by money as I've never been that way. Money gets you money. If you have no passions, you will use that money to find ways to get more money to use that money for things that society believes are good to have. Or you will sit on a lump sum that really does nothing but give you security that you have money should you ever need it.<br />
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I don't want to merely exist, or have goals that I'm "supposed" to have like that of owning a home, creating offspring, or traveling to resorts that have great reviews in magazines. I'd rather invest in experiences and have whatever keeps me able to do what I want.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-935835743432947082013-05-19T01:00:00.001-07:002013-05-19T01:04:06.249-07:00I am living a life I previously joked about having.<br />
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Much like most people, I learned a lot about Jiu-Jitsu by reading Graciemag. At my first gym we had it at the desk and I used it to figure out who was who in the sport, especially after realizing over time how important my first instructor, Romulo Barral, was to the community. I began taking notice of who else was the "Michael Jordan of Jiu-Jitsu."<br />
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Luanna Alzuguir was one of those people. I can't even count how many times I had seen her face before I really knew who she was. Turn the first page of a Gracie Magazine and most likely she'll be there in a Koral ad.<br />
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My first gi was a Koral gi. I was given a large judo gi when I took my intro class and learned about Jiu-Jitsu Pro Gear not long after I started training. When I took a trip down south, I saw the Koral navy MKM gi and wanted it bad but didn't have the money for it. So I bought a white Koral light gi instead. I eventually bought my dream gi and it was my competition gi for as long as it would last, holding up for a loooot of training sessions, through multiple patches, a switching of teams and at least 6 competitions that I can remember.<br />
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Not long after I started this blog I created Pulling Guard Zine out of necessity. I needed to talk about more than just personal issues on my blog, I needed to take the information I was getting from Romulo and put it to use. So I interviewed him in my first issue along with my friend Beneil Dariush. That was my first issue. As I noticed how easy it was to network within the Jiu-Jitsu community and how often these black belt world champions would answer messages on facebook, I branched out. For my second issue I contacted Luanna Alzuguir for an interview. She accepted and through a friend who translated, she became my first interviewee who wasn't already a friend.<br />
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While I was training and competing as a blue belt, I worked a full-time job. I sat in a cubicle and took phone calls to sell travel packages to rude travel agents who were ironically almost always named Deborah. I kept sane by putting up constant reminders of my life outside of those cubicle walls. I put up medals and made my desktop background pictures from competing and Jiu-Jitsu logos. And I ripped out pages from Graciemag issues to use as posters. At one point, it was Luanna in a Koral ad, even.<br />
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After a gap of time where I worked my ass off in training, in hustling for writing gigs, in building my site, in networking through the Jiu-Jitsu community, in finding jobs to fuel my lifestyle, in my college classes, I got to a point where I saw some results. I won some tournaments and I got some sponsors. I got some gigs for covering press at bigger events and my pictures and articles were getting noticed. I had such pockets of depression and disappointment and then I had pockets of success that were sometimes just random. A person like Tom Callos would find me on facebook and help me out with a paid writing gig. A guy from Brazil would offer me a paid gig to write articles for his website. I'd meet people who owned Jiu-Jitsu companies, have meetings with them and IBJJF where my opinions were heard and maybe, just maybe they mattered. My skills were being utilized.<br />
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Then I got a call about Graciemag wanting to interview me for a position. And I was exchanging emails with the CEO discussing options, hourly rates and a date for an interview. I got the email confirming my interview date one day during training. When class was over I discussed with my teammates about what was going on and how I was getting to work for Graciemag. And then I got in the shower and cried really hard as if I was sad but I wasn't sad, I was almost relieved. It was a weird feeling but intense whatever it was.<br />
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Back when I was first starting out with interviewing and writing, my training partners would sarcastically say, "oh you're gonna work for Graciemag, huh?" and it seemed like such a far fetched idea. But now I am a large part of the team here and I work every single day posting content. And I went to Abu Dhabi because of it. Abu Dhabi!<br />
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And by networking and getting my foot in the door, I'm getting a sponsorship with Koral, my favorite gi company. It's a form of support that, while I'm not a black belt world champion, is suitable for my needs at this point as a competitive purple belt.<br />
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This week I've been training with Luanna on my mats at Cobrinha BJJ. We roll and she treats me like a peer, giving me advice and letting me know when I do something right when I roll with her. For the time being she is my training partner and we're helping each other prepare for worlds and she's helping me more than she realizes. It is a dream.<br />
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If someone told me I'd have Rubens Cobrinha Charles as a professor, training with the best black belts in the world including my idols, getting support from my favorite gi company, working for Graciemag as a traveling writer, reporter, journalist, videographer and photographer and dating Gianni Grippo, I'd laugh. I'd laugh hard and I'd say, "yeah, okay. cool story, bro."<br />
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It's a sappy self-reflecting moment for me and you're probably mocking me as you read this but nothing can change the fact that I reached goals that I didn't even set because I never imagined they'd be realistic. At least not within this time frame. I think I can set some solid goals from now on knowing that I'm on a real good path already. I'll start with purple belt world champion.Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-53857567938151449952013-05-05T16:45:00.002-07:002013-05-05T16:45:33.622-07:00I am constantly learning about myself. Sometimes I spend hours on google looking up information that suits me and branching off from one topic to another. Mental issues, like the ones I sometimes google, all correlate and the fact that there are lot of theories and studies in place of fact it makes it even easier to assess multiple possibilities.<div>
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Figuring yourself out is a constant journey. You know that already. You know, it's the journey not the destination, that whole thing. You can change. People change but not unless they want to and so self awareness is a requirement. I think about how I am with other people, why I do the things I do and why I have so much trouble in certain areas. Knowing yourself in terms of mental disabilities is a whole nother genre. I mean anyone can take their downfalls and "flaws" and put them into the right holes and come up with a category. But it does help in most cases with me.</div>
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"You could be ADD or you're just smart." That's what my therapist said when I asked if I could possibly be ADD since I have a lot of symptoms. My brain moves faster than normal. I do everything fast. I drive fast, I eat fast, I talk fast, I walk fast, I take exams fast. I've gotten in two separate fender bender accidents where I was the one doing the rear-ending. I eat more than I should because I'm too busy stuffing my face to let my body tell me when I'm full. I often interrupt people and have conversations with the intent to reply rather than to simply listen because I want to and I do butt in as soon as I know where they're going with their sentence. I usually can always tell before they've closed their mouths but it's not courteous to cut people off. I found out people rarely want a solution, they just want someone to listen.</div>
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I signed up at the Disability Resources and Educational Services office at school because I found out I'd get a better registration date for classes. I was asked what other ways they could help me but I didn't need it. I've found ways to cope but it's the whole loss of enthusiasm that gets me. He said he couldn't help me with that.</div>
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I'm a big picture kind of person. I don't pay attention to details because in the grand scheme they rarely matter. What's the purpose of something? That's more important in the long run. I don't really care how exactly it happened, just that it did and the impact it made. Maybe that's why I hate history so much. Just tell what we've learned so that we don't repeat the mistakes and let's move on with our lives, shall we?</div>
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I didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until last Friday. I got an ADD diagnosis when I started going to my psychiatrist 8 months ago. Being impulsive and hyperactive makes me extra distractible, giving me the "H." It took me a long time to choose the path of medication. But traditional talking therapy once a week wasn't doing it even after 9 months. I still will never take anti-depressants despite being recommended them multiple times but Ritalin in its slow-dosage form has less side effects and doesn't make me feel like a whole different person.</div>
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I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder a long time ago. That still lingers but who knows whether it's a real behavioral problem or a side effect of some other personality disorder. It's all a spectrum, really.</div>
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Either way, I'm here researching ways to be organized. Constantly figuring out why I'm not and ways I can help myself. Ways to feel fulfilled, too. It takes a lot of effort on my behalf to feel happy even though I still can't tell you exactly what that is. There's happy as an emotion and anytime I drink starbucks, win a Jiu-Jitsu match, eat Korean BBQ, hear a good joke, etc., I feel that. But that's temporary. </div>
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Happiness is a state defined by stability and confidence. It means you are where you are meant to be without any regret or apprehension. "There's nowhere I'd rather be." And while I've said that before, it was again just temporary. </div>
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Cobrinha once told us that winning a world championship is easy. Winning a world title for the second time, the third time, fourth, fifth, sixth. That's hard. I take it that he means it's hard to maintain that top spot. And so happiness is similar. It is a constant struggle. Money can't take you there but without it you may have a more difficult time getting there. A balance between personal relationships, financial stability, existence of goals, ability to find and feel self-worth, reaching of goals and a slew of other things. Now consider mental disabilities and it could make happiness virtually impossible regardless of attaining every other ingredient necessary.</div>
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Jiu-Jitsu gives you a lot of those parts. With certain circumstances it can bring you financial stability. But in the beginning it gives you the network of support in terms of relationships, it gives you the physical means necessary to get and stay healthy, it provides the goals and ability to find self-worth. It gives you something to constantly work towards regardless of being a black belt or world champion. It puts everything in line and shapes someone into a worthy recipient of that great gift called happiness. </div>
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I can't preach it enough and I can't tell you how many times my depression, anxiety, ADHD all of their side effects have not only been relieved but also given a chance to surface through Jiu-Jitsu. You can't fix something that isn't there and you can't address something that doesn't always surface. But given the right atmosphere like, say, the competition mats, you give yourself the opportunity to face your inner opponent and deal with it. With that network of support, physical exertion and achieving of goals.</div>
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What an evolution of a post. </div>
Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-16145870452223004232013-04-15T15:09:00.001-07:002013-04-15T15:54:45.534-07:00I am where I am because I was an attention-seeking idiot.<br />
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I have my own life. This may or may not be my redeeming quality. A redeeming quality is one that makes up for flaws and faults. Probably a phrase used mostly in terms of describing another person, referring it to myself just reinforces my transparency. Learn from it, take what you can. In terms of my redeeming quality, the fact that I have my own individual goals and successes now makes up for the time I spent living for other people through attention-driven behavior. That's where my new quality picks up where I lacked-- true identity and self-love.</div>
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I lived for and through others. Not in the way that I did what others told me to do regardless of my own opinion. I mean, growing up that was the gist of it but moving further towards adulthood requires more subtle attempts at acceptance. You can only follow someone for so long until they notice. You move on to groups or cultural trends. The motivation to be liked, to have attention no matter how negative was strong. Maybe it's still strong but I go about it now through traveling the high road. I can't say, however, that this was the case up until last year. But I'll give you some insight starting early on:</div>
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Middle school was the floating era in-between where I was lost. Elementary school was easy to gain respect, just bring cool lunchables and be okay at handball. After that it takes a little more effort and perhaps an early puberty to be cool, both of which I didn't have. During those years I gelled my hair back in a ponytail everyday and wore army green zebra print shirts with track suit pants. I was entirely oblivious to the ins and outs of fashion at the time, but I slowly realized through eighth grade when I found out thong underwear was definitely in and that what you wear can be a good shortcut to becoming popular. I was actually gifted a few pairs from an older member in my girl scout troop. I wore them behind my mother's back since she did all of my laundry and her lack of "cool mom" reputation would have deemed them inappropriate-- especially for a thirteen year old. I hid them from her by washing them by hand and cycling through them during the week so I would never be seen with granny panties again. </div>
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At my school, being pants-ed was a way for girls to look cute with a shocked face at school while really gaining attention from the boys by exciting them with flashes of their butts. I was pants-ed one night while trying to look cool in front of some popular girls and bad-ass boys. I had totally ditched my mom during back-to-school night which I thought gave me cool credits but as I was pants-ed by a fellow frenemy, my granny panties were revealed and I felt the immediate sting of horror. "Ew she's wearing granny panties!," my crush said and that was all it took for me to hoard three pairs of thong underwear in a small box on my desk at home. It paid off, though, when the guy who dumped me in fourth grade, the one who gave me my first kiss through a game of after school truth or dare, noticed the g-string peeking out of my pants in 6th period history class. From then on, I got to be made fun of but in the way that thirteen year old boys flirt and it felt good to garner such "respect."</div>
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I spent my high school days wearing outlandish outfits and never situating myself with any one crowd. Being uncategorized helped me feel like I could avoid the comparisons within a group. I could never be the dumbest one in the AP classes crowd, the sinful of the girl-next-door crowd, the uglier in the popular cheerleader crowd or the least athletic in a sports team crowd. I meandered and at first wore slutty clothing, enough to have my parents forbid me from wearing certain skirts and my 9th grade Physics teacher tell my sister about the inappropriate size of my shorts. I moved on to wearing different colored shoes on each foot, bathing suit tops over shirts, multiple tube socks and bright pink dickies. That blew over and I eventually started going to shows, wearing cut-off gloves and hanging out with meth addicts on house arrest despite being "straight edge." Having to hang out at a friend's house and invite people over for entertainment because she was on house arrest is usually a sign that you're hanging out with the wrong people but it took my parents' interference to bring me back to reality-- the only way for me to snap out of my obsession for attention if only for a little.</div>
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When crazy rigid haircuts, facial piercings, multi-color dyed hair and shitty tattoos were the qualities of my chosen culture, the most willingness I had to rebel against my parents was a self-done haircut. In attempts to make my hair big and choppy on top, I tied a bandana how I normally would when going out. I grabbed the scissors without any hesitation and I started cutting around my head in front of the bandana. This was the farthest I went because piercing my face, coloring my hair beyond the weave of highlights I was allowed and getting an underage tattoo would only encourage my parents to worry even more than they already did and possibly disown me. So instead of looking like an unruly, rebellious and "scene" hipster daughter, they were forced to live with one who wore shitty layered outfits with atrocious band hoodies and had hair that resembled a 24/7 <a href="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT9ZxyFwfS2n21WS2hHO78GfVY2mkrYcvjECrderB2AjM1CYo1Kkw" target="_blank">yamulke</a>.<br />
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See here:<br />
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This was a joke picture but not really..</div>
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It took me a couple years to grow from that trend, slowly evolving into a more normal looking human being but my attitudes towards myself still triggered negative behavior. Guys were always the "wrong" type despite my adherence to them like glue. Even through obvious signs, I always gravitated towards disrespect. As soon as I found Jiu-Jitsu at the age of 20, my identity was again defined. I obsessed over it but this time it was something of my own and it didn't revolve around others' opinions of me. It revolved around a healthy way for me to lose the weight I never realized I needed to lose, an outlet to become competitive in an organized sport, stay active and constantly be working towards goals. I never had goals or wanted to be the best at anything but competition, like I have said many times before, motivated me like no other. By my first year I was beginning to dissolve the self-esteem issues by adding in writing but I still made many mistakes in ruining a reputation I wasn't even concerned about at the time. Writing about Jiu-Jitsu gave me the voice I needed and the focus it took to get me where I am now alongside the mentors I've had in Jiu-Jitsu. Gold medals and well-received articles get me the high I crave instead of one-night stands, name dropping and attention-seeking outfits.</div>
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Today I get the attention through living a Jiu-Jitsu-centered life and writing about it. I'm given opportunities to cover events to which I can give insight through my own experiences. Of course I can't and shouldn't always take it personally but generally speaking, people are using me to get to what they want to know. Having the opportunity to go to Abu Dhabi and be the only person with information as to what it's like being there was a dream. Sure there were outlets to give you limited results, a live stream so you can watch one out of the ten active mats and some photographers to show you some of the action. But my efforts went into giving you the experience. I wasn't witnessing the training on the mats in the hotel by watching from a chair with my shoes still on, <a href="http://www.graciemag.com/2013/04/2013-wpjjc-what-the-training-mats-represent-in-abu-dhabi/" target="_blank">I wrote this article</a> on a piece of paper while still sitting on the mats after rolling with Luiza Monteiro at the request of Gabi Garcia. Sure, I got my guard passed 7 times during the roll but being a part of it and regardless of competing while there or winning a ticket to get there, made all the difference. Being in the athletes' world instead of in the crowd makes all the difference in my writing. </div>
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I may have rushed into things at the start of my Jiu-Jitsu journey, gotten involved with people in the wrong way, acted out in behaviors that showed self-hatred, but it was the combination of these downfalls and setbacks and overall bad decisions that led me to the opportunities I have today. I'm not kidding. People don't become wise by accepting everything they're told. You don't become revered for having said without doing and you certainly don't become respected for never risking anything. A weathered and worn person can teach you a lot more than an unscathed one.</div>
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I understand the importance of reputation and attitude but leading by example, mistakes and all, makes you a far better influence than anyone who pretends they're perfect.</div>
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Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-22628602282159099032013-04-04T17:47:00.001-07:002013-04-04T17:47:44.310-07:00Time-out.I made a list of pros and cons of living on each coast. I'd probably really worry the people closest to me if they knew I was considering such a trade-off. But then again they probably wouldn't be too surprised.<br />
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Last Tuesday I sat in my three hour linguistics class while Gianni found something to do in the library on campus. The library isn't too bad, I mean it was used as part of the set in the most recent Star Trek movie and the school setting for that movie Sky High (which I love). But still, it's three hours I was without him. Our time is always short and I worry that it's never well-spent.<br />
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Writing this entry makes me angry. It's not me. I always hated reporting and I hated the fact that every article without personality or emotion that I wrote would be a downgrade on my job as a writer. I have no emotion when I write anymore. I listen to music, I go to certain places, I try to be alone and it doesn't flow out of me like it used to. I simply try to recall non-biased facts but when I'm talking about my life, my job, the people closest to me, the love of my life, it's utter bullshit that I can't say what I feel.<br />
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Constant posts where I'm just trying to remember the who, what, where and when have plagued my writing style and I'm craving some sort of work that has meaning. I can do it, nothing is stopping me except for the rush. There's always the rush and the stress to produce and no real time to enjoy what I do.<br />
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I want to enjoy Gianni. I can honestly say he's the best person I have ever met.<br />
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I am annoyed, I really am. I'm at the mercy of all my authority figures, my friends, my family. Not training is not only costing me horrible performances at big tournaments, it is placing a guilt and stress on me from Cobrinha. I want to be the best, of course I need to train. But I have a job. I have to produce a constant stream of articles, cover these events that take me away from home every weekend and I have to be outgoing at these events and write and write and write and interview. My job is never ever done. It never stops. I have to spend time with my mom. I can't remember the last time we spent our usual time in her room watching a movie. Those times never happen. When I have free time I try to spend it with Gianni. He is the light of my life.<br />
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I am never in the present. Perhaps I was always like this but it really holds true these days. I'm currently using a mental thesaurus and phrase book to write this post. It isn't me. I can never relax. I am always required to be somewhere and I am always always always letting myself down. I have an essay due in a class that I am way way way lost on and it's due April 19th. I haven't brought myself to even look at the prompt because I probably won't even understand it anyway. I should be studying always. I should be getting article ideas always. I should be dieting and working out and training all the time, twice a day. I did that yesterday. I'm trying to do it today. I'm trying to do that but I am neglecting things. I am spread too thin.<br />
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I thought so hard about getting to the east coast. I really do love it there. Sitting in my linguistics class last Tuesday I could not bear the thought or the weight or the pain of dropping Gianni off at 4am the following morning. I worked the whole time he was there and when I wasn't working I was at school for two classes on Monday and one on Tuesday. So I chased him. I looked up plane tickets on my phone in class and saw they weren't too bad. When I got my home I told my mom was I was going to New York the next day and that I would be gone until next Tuesday. I thought she'd fight me on it but she not only accepted it, she offered me a ride to the fly-away and said she would leave work early on Tuesday just to make sure she can pick me up from the fly-away, take me to my linguistics class and then pick me up when it ended. I'm a horrible daughter.<br />
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You know that movie I Don't Know How She Does It? The one with Sarah Jessica Parker as a busy mom with a full-time job? Oh you don't? I don't blame you. I saw it while on a plane once and related to it. Thank goodness I don't have kids but I still feel similar to her. She thinks about her to-do lists constantly especially at night and that's what I do except I feel like I never get to check everything off. It's always overlapping to the following day, week, forever.<br />
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I chose for this. I chose to do these things but I don't want school anymore. I like the idea of school. I like the idea of being in school and constantly progressing and working towards something. I want a degree. Everyone wants a degree, it ain't bad to have. Surely, I want to graduate but not at the cost of my job, my life, my sanity. Maybe I'd be a lot more sane if I didn't have school right now.<br />
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I went to the east coast on a whim and it felt good. In my Monday class last week was when I wrote a pros and cons list regarding living here or there and I also wrote an apology letter to Gianni for not being physically, mentally or emotionally available all weekend during his trip. It's always about me and I try to do things for him as much as I can but laying my stresses and bad moods onto him is not okay. It's not.<br />
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I want to be all there. I want to separate my life from my job and feel like I'm doing enough again. Enough for my mom, for Gianni, for my boss, my coworkers, my teachers, Cobrinha, my training, my professors, my classes and for myself. But I am in my twenties. This is the time for me to stretch myself thin and find myself and put all of me into my work in every sense of the word "work." Life is work, relationships are work, work is work. If everything was easy I'd be one miserable camper. I need to always be working towards something but I just feel that I am not doing enough anywhere. It is time for some changes.<br />
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Gianni, I love you. I've never met someone so forgiving, kind, understanding and easy-going. Not the type of easy-going that you have no preference for anything. Not the understanding where you agree with everything I say. Not the kind type that walks on eggshells to avoid upsetting me. Not so forgiving that you let me treat you like shit. You are the right type of everything, the type of person that makes me feel like I'm not alone in anything. That my anxiety or my issues aren't issues at all. Thanks for being you.<br />
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I leave for Abu Dhabi sometime next week. I don't know when exactly because I haven't gotten my tickets yet. I have no idea what to expect. This is simply just another work trip where I won't see Gianni much, I'll be working all day covering events then trying to find time for bathroom breaks and eating and then I'll go back to my hotel room and crank out articles by some sort of mental will before I pass out and do it all over again. I want to ride a fucking camel.<br />
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Everyone deserves an apology. I owe an apology to everyone that is expecting anything of me. I hope to make it up to everyone soon. That's how I feel, anyway. Don't tell me I don't otherwise I'll fight you on it and have this mental stress that I don't have time to deal with. Food doesn't make life better like it used to. Watching T.V. instead of working doesn't do it. Sudoku helps a little. Sleeping next to Gianni helps. But waking up to his absence brings me about 10 steps backward on my LIFE gameboard. It will all be better soon. It will all work out. Everything will be fine. Those are my trite sayings that don't ever work. Those are just the phrases in my head that I somehow conjure up to write in my posts to make people happy.<br />
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End on a good note they say: I'm going to Abu Dhabi.Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-82447854336974088222013-03-16T12:22:00.002-07:002013-03-16T12:40:44.872-07:00One break for self-awarenessI am always busy. Busy is good. Busy has always prevented me from getting into a mode that people don't like. Busy keeps me happy and productive because I am like a terrier. This is mostly why I want a rat terrier. Basically, they need a job. They're loyal and full of energy and eager to please. But if they don't have the attention they need and deserve, if they aren't being exercised and exerting energy each day, they turn into a terror. I am a terror when I am without a path. So I swear, being busy is good.<br />
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I have three college classes. This is one less than I normally take. While I did have four, I stuck with three after the first week when I realized my Thursday night class was a poetry workshop, an advanced one. Like, there's complete freedom in the poems you turn in to be workshopped. I was immediately chosen to be a lead proofreader for a guy whose poem look and read like a schizophrenic e.e.cummings and I dropped that class. I don't do poetry. I write prose full of run-on sentences, alliteration and summaries.<br />
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Anyways, I have three classes a week that I can't really miss even though I do. After my December trip to the east coast, I realized I wanted to do more field work. Going to the GMA academies to showcase the classes, atmosphere and meet people, I realized it was a lot more easy to write. I'm not an office person and coffee shops, where I am right now in Montreal, Canada, is where I do my best work. I asked my boss at GRACIEMAG if I could do this more often and even cover the IBJJF tournaments on weekends as a way to boost our live coverage. It didn't take long before he was asking me which cities I could go to.<br />
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Here is where I've been so far:<br />
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Jan 26/27- San Diego WPJJC Trials I drove down Saturday and came home Sunday night.<br />
Feb 7-11- Traveled to meet my boyfriend Gianni again for the weekend in New York/New Jersey where I experienced the blizzard. Got home after missing Monday morning class but got to Monday evening class.<br />
Feb 15-17- IBJJF Houston Open, flew in Friday and left Sunday while competing with a 102 degree fever. Got second in a combined division of light feathers to light weights.<br />
Feb 23/24- IBJJF San Francisco Open, flew up with my mama on Saturday, watched the Ronda right that night then worked all day Sunday and came home that night. Didn't compete, still sick.<br />
Mar 1-4- IBJJF Boston Open, flew into New York and drove up with Gianni on Saturday. Double gold in both featherweight and the absolute. Flew home Monday morning in time for Monday evening class.<br />
Mar 9/10- IBJJF Chicago Open, flew in on a red eye where I got about 3 hours of sleep only to compete and work all day Saturday. Got gold after one match in my division and flew home on Sunday after waiting in the rain for 30 minutes when my cab didn't come. Denied a cab by 5 companies, ran back to IBJJF crew who drove me to the airport where I was initially denied a boarding. Thank goodness they found me a spot.<br />
Mar 12- now: Fight for Charity 2 and UFC 158. I'm in Montreal, Canada for press and I competed at the charity event in a supermatch that I lost due to an advantage against Alison Tremblay. I think she's a middle heavyweight but she won world last year. Used my spider guard but wasnt aggressive enough.<br />
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In a couple of hours I'm walking back over to the Bell Centre to cover the UFC 158 fights tonight with headlining fight GSP vs. Diaz. I could not have asked for a better fight to cover as my first big press event. I never even thought I would get here. I never thought that I'd be transferring into MMA at this point in my training. And it's on the sidelines.<br />
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When I was a blue belt I traveled up to San Francisco for some training at the Pleasant Hill Gracie Fighter academy to train under Caio. I had met some amazing people on my last trip up there and knew it'd be a great trip. The day I got in my place to stay fell through due to a roommate feud and Cesar Gracie lent me a place to stay at one of his houses since his nanny was gone for the weekend. In the process of hanging with Cesar that first day I was thrown into a plan that I let take over everything I had wanted to do that weekend. I was going to train with Nick Diaz instead and that was pretty damn cool. Cesar had him come to train on that Saturday and I was able to get armbarred by him a bunch and tag along with everyone after. That night Cesar told me I'd be going to Stockton with Nick and his friends so I did just that. I got to spend some time with him that weekend and my journalistic side wanted to kick in so bad to write about it. At the time, my zine was still a xeroxed piece of paper that I tried to stuff into pockets. I think I was writing interviews for Budovideos at the time but there wasn't an outlet for me to "sell a story" so to speak. Nothing was ever really talked about after that weekend and it feels like something I shouldn't talk about along with other things in my past. But being able to exist in Nick's element even for some days was enough to make me believe that his rebellious attitude is simply just who he is.<br />
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Being around him and learning about his feelings towards fighting would make most people decide on another life path but for me, it introduced me to the fighter life that sounded enticing. For once I was opening up to the idea of MMA and somehow I conjured up an answer for those who asked me if I ever wanted to get into it:<br />
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"When I'm a solid purple belt," I'd tell people. I guess I figured that I could branch out to other disciplines, or at least begin to, when I had gotten a grasp on Jiu-Jitsu. I don't even know what a solid purple belt is but I'm going to assume that I'm getting pretty close.<br />
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Being at the press conference and the open workouts were very different. Media members in Jiu-Jitsu aren't really different from the competitors because most people who take pictures and write, also train. We aren't guaranteed WIFI and we aren't designated a place to put our stuff each tournament. We exist but kind of on our own. In the UFC world, there is a "media world." Dana White used this term. At the open workouts I walked around feeling like a bum wearing my uggs and graciemag hoodie looking like a rag-a-muffin because I had just gotten off two red-eye flights. I hadn't really slept and I had no idea what I was supposed to do except shove my way through to film the fighters answering questions with my iphone. Many guys were in suits and besides those standing around, everyone seemed to have an idea of their jobs. They looked important in their suits. After talking to a few people I realized that most of these dudes had never trained in their life, they don't understand fighting or any discipline of martial arts and they have a huge ego because they happen to run a small MMA podcast in Ottawa after 20 years in a cubicle that made them so miserable they finally "took the plunge" and are now "following their dreams." Most of them remind me of forum trolls and half of them still work their 9-5's.<br />
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Being addressed as media made me feel disconnected from the real reason I do this. Maybe I don't fight MMA and maybe I don't know what it's like to be in the spotlight for that reason but I identify with the fighters a whole lot more than those sitting in the chairs asking the same questions over and over again. This is what I was afraid of, really. I never wanted to be so absorbed by my job that it completely took away from my training. I want to be the do-er, not just the talk about-er.<br />
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I love this job. Editing pictures, writing articles and getting to travel and compete like this is a dream. It doesn't feel like work, I just don't want it to ever feel that way. I know that I have to work my ass off to get anywhere. I have to train hard and stay focused to win Pan Ams next week. I have to pay attention to my school to pass my classes. I have to keep up on deadlines and find wifi and ignore tourist opportunities in order to get my work done and keep my job. It's not a bad trade-off, but it's not easy.<br />
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I have people remind me how much they want my job. They want to travel and compete and have Jiu-Jitsu on their mind 24/7. This helps me move forward. Not because someone else can easily take it (because they can't) but because it's time-consuming and will prevent me from being the absolute best at any one thing for awhile (except multi-tasking). There are negative effects. They aren't negative to me really, but they would be for the average person. My job is perfect for me. I don't have a family. I don't have kids, nor do I want them before I'm 33. I don't have friends outside of Jiu-Jitsu. Really, I don't. I ended the last friendship last summer because it didn't help me in anyway. Sitting around talking about how depressed we are and egging on each other's road rage was hardly supplemental to my lifestyle. I have a long distance relationship that matches well with my lifestyle given that I get to spend time with my boyfriend at tournaments we both attend. I like being a nomad, I don't mind traveling alone or sleeping on couches or sharing beds with Jiu-Jitsu dudes who snore (wait, I do mind). I'm not high maintenance, I just need coffee.<br />
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I've made a lot of improvements. My photography is getting better and it's getting more noticed. My editor and boss have both complimented my writing lately, stating that I've been cranking out content well and the quality is improving. I think I'm passing my classes so far. I've been drilling when I can with Daniela, Cobrinha's wife. I've been racking up some gold medals. I've gotten to be a pro at traveling. I'm getting more and more opportunities and networking like crazy. I'm working on a sponsorship with a big gi company that hopefully I can secure after Pan Ams. I'm drinking less starbucks at home. I dumped the negative people in my life and I have the most supportive, kind, loving, patient, talented and accepting boyfriend. Oh and did I mention I'm going to Abu Dhabi?<br />
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I was chosen by Luca to be a half of the Graciemag team to cover the World Pro in Abu Dhabi. Telling my monday evening professor why I might miss class the day after spring break felt awesome and she obliged to helping me out despite ignoring my initial request for support at the beginning of the semester. "Yeah, the sheikh wants me there." HA!<br />
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Taking the time to analyze how far I've come and and what I've made of myself thus far is a tough feat these days. Every day is comprised of a cramped to-do list with leftover items constantly making their way through out my weeks. My planner helps but there are just too many things for me to do minimally. Don't even ask me to do my best on everything. I am doing my best within my current abilities and that's been a good amount for most to be impressed with although I'll forever be hard on myself. Never thinking I was the competitive type, I'm a different person now. Except it took me awhile because I'm not competing against others, I'm simply competing against myself to continuously one-up my previous performance.<br />
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I have to pass my classes, I have to keep up my coverage on all these events, I have to win my tournaments and I have maintain healthy relationships in my life. So far so good.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-32734375831909078782013-02-27T19:11:00.002-08:002013-02-27T19:47:26.151-08:00You can never relieve yourself of being a good personI learned about a year and a half into my training that sometimes it's not your day and that some days its your turn to help someone else. This was before I had gotten really into competition. I was still a blue belt at Romulo's and being heavily influenced by someone that would eventually run my whole life. I guess this was the beginning of that control but looking back it was probably the most "human" thing he ever said to me. For reference, I usually had to tell HIM how to deal with people and when I taught him the word "apology" and the application, he turned it into a way to tell me what I don't do well.. like apologize and how good it feels to do so, how I need to do more of it to be considered a good person. Ironically, it's a lack of knowledge of how to be a good person that is lost on people in the community today. Or at least the sport aspect of the community.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I see this every day. I help my teammates whenever I can. I give someone advice often, I let people vent, I guide people to follow what I do in terms of building a website and starting a blog. I tell people about Ritalin because I take it myself and because I've made that known, people come to me about it. I try to be as transparent as possible in order to never misguide people and share the knowledge that I know. For this, I never expect repayment in terms of reciprocating from the people that I help because I know I can't control what people do and how they will react. But expecting to be treated in a positive way and gain something from others is an expectation that I can't help but believe in because believing otherwise would make me a pessimistic grump in solitude.<br />
<br />
And on the contrary, I cut people off on the road. I don't always get back to people who email me, I throw temper tantrums, I write posts on a magazine site because I get paid to do so (oh wait I did that for years before I actually got paid.)<br />
<br />
There is a balance and a very delicate one at that. Everyone's balance is different and<br />
<br />
EVERYONE HAS A LIMIT, IT JUST DIFFERENTIATES WHERE THAT LIMIT LAYS.<br />
<br />
The amount of leeway we give someone to be selfish is directly dependent upon how much we value that person and our understanding of respect.<br />
<br />
Respect isn't just "please" and "thank you." Anyone can say those words and get through life but real respect is taking the time to understand someone and allow them to be themselves. That's part of respect that I believe is most misunderstood.<br />
<br />
Allowing someone to be angry is respect. If you take it personal and immediately scorn someone for being angry or upset in your presence instead of allowing them to have those emotions freely, it is a disrespect.<br />
<br />
Giving someone the time of day is respect.<br />
<br />
Furthermore, gold medals and winning aren't everything. It is everything in JIU-JITSU if you are a serious competitor but it is not worth more than everything in life and does not negate a level of disrespect that I see embellished, embodied and encouraged on the trek to the gold.<br />
<br />
You are and will be held accountable for your actions outside of the realm you think you're entitled to act selfishly within and any morally wrong acts you take part in will be judged, not within that realm, but upon general moral standards. It doesn't take a jiu-jitsu black belt to know when someone is knowingly hurting others to benefit themselves in training. It doesn't take a college English professor to know that someone is infringing on copyrighted material and that it's wrong. When something is morally wrong inside or outside a situation, you are held accountable for those judgements and possible consequences that may unfold thereafter. And witnessing something you can possibly affect in terms of immorality in your immediate realms, it'd be a really good and right thing to take action.<br />
<br />
It's crazy how such hyperfocus can make people think they are relieved of being a GOOD PERSON. Above all, you can never escape the "burden" of being a good person. Because sometimes, often, a hell-of-a-lot of the time it is a burden as it takes a lot out of us. It's simply easier to be an asshole.<br />
<br />
And again, there's a blurred line and a delicate balance and an indefinite limit that surrounds the definition of a good person but we all have internal justice systems and knowing what is wrong and what is right isn't a hard task to follow. If you don't know, it's the responsibility of others to let you in on what makes the world go round.<br />
<br />
I'm not asking to be superheros or perfect. I'm an asshole sometimes and I'm selfish sometimes but above all I understand the line between success and success at a huge cost, regardless of whether that cost is ever acknowledged. I can't forget that gold medals and lots of money and fame will provide me with fulfilled goals and a checklist of attained accomplishments because it drives me but stepping on others to do so won't get me far and it's a route that won't allow me to last long.<br />
<br />
I don't know, maybe you shouldn't listen to me because maybe I'm just a 97%er.<br />
<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-33030503751234791202013-02-01T13:56:00.000-08:002013-02-01T13:56:25.208-08:00I'm ready to talk.<br />
<br />
I don't know why I haven't updated with everything that is going on. With so many changes, it'd be easier to write a novel per week rather than procrastinating but the overwhelming, sensitive and drastic changes have accumulated all too sudden.<br />
<br />
Let's have a refresher.<br />
<br />
My name is Erin Herle. That's pronounced "hurley" like the brand. I work for Graciemag. I cover events, interview, report, photograph, promote Jiu-Jitsu and do a lot of other things.<br />
<br />
I'm a Cobrinha BJJ purple belt as of June 2012. My only accomplishments at this belt have been 2nd place at No-Gi Worlds but I have started my preparation for the 2013 season and intend to win Pan Ams and Worlds among various other tournaments.<br />
<br />
I am an English - Creative Writing student at Cal State Northridge. Hoping to finally graduate next Spring but I'll keep ya updated on that journey.<br />
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I run this blog and I run my site, Pulling Guard Zine. As my focus moved towards a million other things, I started delegating the content-producing to others. Now I'm focused on building a great community of writers who will cover events going on in the art as well as teach my readers something great from fitness to motivation to competition tips to who knows what. It will be great and alive as ever.<br />
<br />
I manage the email marketing for Inverted Gear. Great quality gis that have a cute cuddly panda as a logo/patch. Check them out if you haven't.<br />
<br />
I support Inverted Gear, Fitnex, Healing Tyler, Fighter Tech and Wa Ma Da. All great brands/organizations/communities.<br />
<br />
My Starbucks addiction is strong.<br />
<br />
Now let's begin:<br />
<br />
I got hired by Luca Atalla of Graciemag purely by my own hard work being noticed. I got a call from my professor, Cobrinha, with a message asking me to call him ASAP. When I called he said he had good and bad news and asked which I wanted first. I didn't hesitate to ask for the bad news first and he didn't hesitate to say, "of course you would say that," but quickly followed with a "but there is no bad news." The good news was that Luca had contacted him about me after seeing my zine online. He found me.<br />
<br />
I gave permission for Luca to reach out, I went to an "interview" a couple days later and came out with a new title, outlook and opportunity. Luca and I talked for three hours about various things going on and what our positions were, ideas for the magazine and a history of ourselves. It didn't feel like an interview at all.<br />
<br />
Knowing that my hard work has paid off thus far is amazing. I have people who contact me about starting BJJ blogs, building websites, learning email marketing, interviewing, and more. I did this myself, I got to where I am in this position without some major handholding or shoo-in or luck. I had no luck. I went through the worst times this past summer but found ways through the help of people around. Tom Callos found me and gave me an opportunity to make some money with my writing and has looked out for me since. I am grateful for his mentoring because, at the time, I was a mess. I worked briefly for BJJPix.com but that ended sourly and although I'm grateful for the opportunity, I'm glad that I am no longer associated. I did this myself. I wrote and wrote and networked and researched. I asked for help from those who know what they're doing. I went out in tournaments and borrowed a camera to take pictures (thanks Daniela) and ended up selling a picture for commercial use on my first attempt at covering a tournament.<br />
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It is a learning experience. I live my life by trial and error and although I have been sheltered enough to be able to what I do (my mother supporting my basic needs forever) and various other lending hands, I have worked hard to carve my path.<br />
<br />
In December I took a trip to the east coast with no real expectations. I knew where I would vaguely be and set up some places to sleep but only had some guidelines as far as visiting Graciemag Association academies to create stories. I did that and more. I ended up staying with Gianni Grippo nearly the whole trip and fell in love........ with New Jersey and New York.<br />
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I ran a blog at erination.us but seized all posts once the Lloyd Irvin rape was made public. I couldn't stand to write as if I could ignore it. So I chose not to write at all.<br />
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I have yet to release anything regarding my stance on what has gone on but Luca and Lloyd have released theirs. I can tell you that I do not agree with them and my distastes made noted to some people off the record are not quite refined enough to be posted publicly.<br />
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I'm not waiting for the storm to settle or trying to "cover my ass" because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to lose if I were to state everything I feel and how I believe we should go about dealing with the tragedy as a community. Let me form my thoughts better and I will release something all at once.<br />
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Upon my return from the 20-day trip, I decided that "field work" would be best suited for my skills. It's all within the works but my schedule will be as follows:<br />
<br />
Feb 16-17- Claudio Franca All Star tournament in Santa Cruz, CA.<br />
Feb 24- IBJJF San Francisco Open in San Francisco, CA<br />
Mar 3- IBJJF Boston Open in Boston, MA<br />
Mar 9-10- AZ International Jiu-Jitsu Open in Phoenix, AZ<br />
Mar 15-16- Fight for Charity superfight and UFC 158 in Montreal, Canada<br />
Mar 20-24- IBJJF Pan American Championships in Irvine, CA<br />
Apr 20- IBJJF New York Open in New York, NY<br />
<br />
These days I keep to myself more mostly due to being busy all the time. The worst feeling is making a commitment to someone and not being able to fulfill the promise. Any time you tell someone you will do something, be somewhere, talk soon, you're making a promise. People are valuable and after realizing I don't need to confide in just one person all the time, I've had a more stable life.<br />
<br />
I think I'm growing up.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-34115109302589397642012-12-09T21:47:00.001-08:002012-12-09T21:47:15.881-08:00blabbingIt's the things that bring you to tears that are worth writing about. I haven't let anyone tell me different.<br />
It's the things that make me stop everything I'm doing to get it all down because if I don't, it will never make sense to me. And perhaps it never does.<br />
<br />
But by writing it down, passing it on to another, it will become clearer. It's always the first draft that you see here and only edited while it's being laid out through my fingertips. My weathered, sometimes quivering and sometimes aggressive fingertips. Aggressiveness due to urgency since the faster I get it down, the faster I can read it over and over to feel it again.<br />
<br />
-------------------<br />
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There are so many positives to success that are worth mentioning. You know, the ones that no one ever acknowledges. The underlying emotions and motivators, not the material possessions. You must be able to tell the difference here and now. Family is a possession. Friends are possessions. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you look at it like me, these are disposable things. You can change them, dismiss them. Ignore them, even. That's what people do when they want to succeed. That's what jiu-jitsu champions do when they want to succeed. Maybe you don't notice it because it's the denial of relationships altogether that is at play. Having never built a relationship, one can't be distracted, or needed. Can't afford to be needed. Or maybe you don't notice it because it hasn't happened to you.<br />
<br />
Finding something you want brings ultimate greed. You will never know what it feels like to succeed if you haven't wanted something so badly that you would be willing to give up everything for it. You will never know true happiness if you haven't suffered enough to get it. You will never know what defeat feels like if you haven't given everything in the process. You will never truly experience victory unless you've lost ten times before. It's the binary oppositions that make one thing make sense because it gains worth through what its not. And the more of one means it mirrors to the other. Without life there would never be death and without sun there would never be dark. It would just be one thing all the time, never needing a specific name and never having to hold meaning. The larger the gap between these two, the greater the two will be.<br />
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Live your life in extreme oppositions. I'm telling you right now. Be all-or-nothing and know your worth. I've seen the greatest human beings created from tragedy. I always thought I needed to rise up from tragedy in order to be considered weathered, tarnished and therefore worth more. But don't wait for lightening to strike you. Just do what you feel is extreme and be the farthest removed you can from what you are now.<br />
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And don't stop. Never stop. You begin with a boulder. A boulder that carries a lot of weight whether it's the physical pounds that are holding you down, the overbearing person in your life, the fear in your heart. You get it moving, you push it out of the way and it gets easier. Sometimes starting on your own will never happen. Surround yourself with people who can help you move your boulder whether they serve a literal purpose or just a purpose in the form of moral support. People who are onto the same goals will push boulders together and in turn, help keep the momentum going.<br />
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If you settle, you will need to push a boulder again. Sometimes you have rocks, an avalanche, a defeat. A financial setback, a natural disaster, a loss of someone or something. As long as you have your momentum, it won't be half has hard to deal because you are moving, you're walking, running, bolting through.<br />
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Make analogies and you'll see things clearer, I promise. Everything in life already exists, you just have to see it a certain way because it takes different forms. Don't let it fool you. The amount of experience you have can translate into any situation which only furthers your understanding, allowing you to prepare for the presence later in life.<br />
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My advice will only go so far and you will only trust so much of it, but that's your right. I surround myself with people who will help me to move my boulders, teach me new perspectives and most of all, keep me moving. As long as you remain aware, you'll notice what is holding you back from moving forward and you are entitled to remove it, get past it and leave it in your dust.<br />
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Or you can remain the same.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-80872323750649000622012-11-29T22:26:00.001-08:002012-11-29T22:26:02.287-08:00Backpacking the Beautiful East CoastIn 2009 I planned a trip to the east coast where I found random friends and acquaintances to let me sleep on their couch while bussing it to different cities. It was amazing experience that allowed me to see DC, New York, Philly, Baltimore and Boston. Since then I have visited the DC area a couple of times and have fallen in love. Mainly, 50/50 academy in Arlington is my favorite place however there are other areas I adore.<br />
<br />
In an attempt to spend my winter break from school away from LA and somewhere I love, I planned to somehow get there. And then I figured I'd visit some other places as well since I've been way from some friends for a long time. Tie that in with the fact that there are some major BJJ academies that I must visit, and I've got a great trip filled with sleeping on couches, exploring with natives and going on megabus trips in between states. My only issue (besides scrounging up the money) is finding accommodations.<br />
<br />
It's kind of hard to tell you the exact day I'd be there since it will depend on the price of tickets and whatnot but ideally I'd like to be there from the end of December to about Jan 17th/18th. Most likely starting in NY and then ending in DC.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, I need some help along the way in the BJJ community to allow me to stay in certain areas and if you don't mind being a tour guide, that'd be great. I'll be writing plenty of pieces for GRACIEMAG.com (I got hired for them, I'll have to explain that in another post. I promise I will soon!)<br />
<br />
So if you or someone you know wants to entertain me for a day or a few days along the east coast near a major academy, please let me know and I'd be grateful. I'll teach you weird feet hooks, how to crochet a beanie and tell you cool stories about anything you want. And I'll write about you too!<br />
<br />
Thanks for the help, guys! Message me on facebook should you be able to help in my backpacking adventure!Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-78892113624873598242012-10-27T16:14:00.000-07:002012-11-14T16:32:21.197-08:00What the heck are you doing with your life?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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How many times have you stopped everything you're doing and asked yourself, "what am I doing with my life?" How many times? Have you ever? Only when you know things have gotten shitty? What about when things are going great? What about when you feel like you can't actually change much? And what about asking when you already asked yourself a week ago and the answer was fulfilling then? What if it's not anymore? Can that happen? Can you be satisfied one week and the next be completely lost? What about annoyed at yourself? Is that beating yourself up? Is it okay to beat yourself up into shape? What shape do you want to be? Do you want to be good at something? Why not great? Why not the best? What if you want to be the best at many things? What about just two? Isn't two okay? Isn't that manageable? Can you tell me it is?<br />
<br />
What the fuck are you doing with your life, Erin?<br />
<br />
I can't answer it today. I can't tell you. Maybe I could have told you yesterday but today, I can't. The past week, all I've been able to do is study for my future. I've been looking up job opportunities in another city. I've been looking into the type of journalism I want to be writing. I've been looking into the business cards I want to make to make sure I represent what I want to be. I've been looking up ways to write narratives the way I hope to be writing. I've been looking up reasons why writing is a good career and why it isn't. I've been looking into ways to publish a book. I've been looking at my bank statements. I've been looking into the credit cards I haven't paid off. I've been looking at the assignments I need to be doing in school and tests I need to be studying for. I've been looking into the articles I want to write but haven't been writing them. I've been looking into ways to stay productive, stay healthy, stay in the game. Where am I now, though?<br />
<br />
This whole week I've felt more and more disconnected from my goals. I thought I was in it, and somehow I strayed. I thought I knew how to manage my roles but I haven't. Suddenly everything is overwhelming for no reason. It just happened. I've focused so much attention on my goals that my path has gotten slowly more and more unrecognizable. How do I get from here, to my goals?<br />
<br />
I spent all day yesterday not doing anything. I pretended I had nothing to do. I hung out with my mom and we ran some errands and I was extremely tired because I didn't take my ritalin. I figured it was okay not to because I wasn't planning on using my brain but it ended up making me extremely hungry and extremely tired and irritable. I slept for 12 hours last night. And today I woke up knowing that I needed to do things and re-enter the world and even though I only spent yesterday as my MIA day, I feel like I've been unknowingly doing that for some time now.<br />
<br />
I know it's okay to be gone, right? And it's okay to have setbacks, right? I'm not losing hope. I'm not forgetting my goals. I'm just a little mumbled.<br />
<br />
The hard part about taking pharmaceuticals is that you never quite know where the issues are stemming from as you don't really know if it's the old you or the new you. It's a journey that I wasn't ready to embark on until recently. It's helped me accomplish so much but at what cost?<br />
<br />
When will I start training again? Initially I was planning to train full time as soon as the school semester ended with the motivation of competing at Europeans. But I've come to the awful realization that I'm not making the money I intended to and I'd be the biggest asshole for taking the money I did make and putting it towards an expensive trip when I still haven't paid off the Europeans trip from 10 months ago, much less anything else on my list of debts. Here is mature Erin talking: I need to pay off my debt and stop living in a fantasy world where I put off all my responsibilities for the impulsive lifestyle.<br />
<br />
What are you doing with your life?<br />
<br />
I'm taking some classes, I'm writing some articles, I'm covering some events, I'm blogging, I'm not training, I'm eating whatever I want, I'm taking ritalin and gabapentin, I'm making little money, I'm competing at Nogi Worlds, I'm working towards a degree. That's it, I think.<br />
<br />
I'm going to write a book.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-10024723188515527392012-10-15T11:44:00.002-07:002012-10-15T11:46:46.631-07:00What role am I today? Oh, all three!<br />
<div class="p1">
I play many roles. We all do. Role theory has been around for centuries and it plays off the idea that we are constantly attending to social roles that we have either been given or we have assumed. These roles determine how we act and behave, how we are seen by others and how we portray ourselves. But how can we know each other so well when our roles are so conflicting? How can others get to know us as a whole if they only know a small amount of the roles we play? This is my issue and how I am dealing with it determines my success.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
I believe that my main roles are that of student, jiu jitsu competitor and writer. Those are in no particular order not because I don't have priorities but because they all equally share my time. To be honest, I cannot be more than one of those roles at any given moment. And although I may write about jiu jitsu, and one may influence the other, I am either one or the other.</div>
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<div class="p1">
I struggle with the fact that each identity has me building relationships as one type of person while I may really want to get to know a person based on a different role. But at the time I am in their presence I am stuck. And my goals are specific to each role however the time, effort and heart that I place in each must all be sacrificed for the others.</div>
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<div class="p1">
As a student, I should set my priority as school first. After all, my mom is helping me out by paying for my schooling and any slacking off would surely be a form of disrespect. But my heart is not in my education. If you know me at all, my worth is not found in the form of a letter grade and a classroom is not where I learn my most important life lessons. This is not who I am. However, assuming the role of being a college student places a burden that I am expected to deal with. And not just deal with, but perform with. I've got this literally, heavy as shit backpack of books and laptop and notebooks and I have to maintain my composure. I have to keep going. Because taking off semesters has caused me to be here since 2007. I still have two more years to go if I want to complete my education. It is the completion that drives me to do this, not the degree itself. But it is my goal to complete it and once it is set, it must be accomplished.</div>
<div class="p2">
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The most confliction I have resides within the world of jiu jitsu. It is not common to be an active competitor with goals of being a world champion as well as being part of jiu jitsu press with goals of being the best writer of jiu jitsu. I want to capture the best moments and I want to experience them. Because they both take up so much time as well as interfere with each other, I am usually one or the other. You can always tell which side my focus has claimed based on my personal appearance. Working out a lot? I'm probably training twice a day. Flabby? I'm probably writing a crapload and interviewing like crazy. Sometimes my brain is the one being exercised, not my muscle memory.</div>
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But how can I manage it all?</div>
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I am currently being put to the test. This past weekend I attended two major jiu jitsu events. But not to compete. Not to enjoy as a spectator. I was there to cover events-- to interview, to report, to make sense of it all and to give people the feeling that they were there, without using a camera. I was press for Metamoris and I was able to experience two press conferences. At the ADCC Trials I got to interview some big names. But I haven't trained in a week. And I didn't study for my midterm. I was writing and networking and recording and actively watching, trying to remember everything I could about the feeling of being there, the emotions that were displayed and the history that was made. My mind wasn't on my literary criticism and theory. So I drove home after the event Sunday night and I got home after 2 and a half hours of driving where I studied for an hour. Then I woke up early and I studied for more. My midterm was hell but I can only hope that I displayed enough knowledge as it exploded through my pen and onto the 7 pages I hurriedly scribbled down for 75 straight minutes. </div>
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And did I mention I am signed up to compete at the Nogi Worlds in two weeks? Did I tell you that I haven't trained much at all and I am not in shape? But my heart is on the mat and that's where I left it when I placed second at the world championships in June. My heart will always be in jiu jitsu whether it's off the mat or on but my true love will forever be in the spotlight-- as a performer, as a doer, an applier, a protagonist. </div>
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Setting an example is more than just talking about it. I want to apply my theories, my analysis and my knowledge. I gain so much from interviewing the greatest people in my sport. I gain awareness and I can only hope that I can apply it. </div>
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Know me as a doer. Know me as a thinker. And most importantly, know me as a successful individual. I am building my legacy and I've chosen to do so through many routes but all will lead to a fulfilled, happy life full of rich, healthy and righteous rewards. I don't care about being famous, I don't care about making money, I care about making a difference. I care about inspiring. I care about setting standards, I care about establishing my place in history and leaving my mark on and off the mat. For those who have been helping me along the way I am forever grateful and intend to be as beneficial as you have been to me. And for those who don't care to add to my life in anyway, kindly step aside.<br />
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<a href="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/546776_414582408596893_1627679901_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="427" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/546776_414582408596893_1627679901_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
Thanks Mike Calimbas for the picture! Check out his photography at <a href="http://www.mikecalimbas.com/">www.mikecalimbas.com</a></div>
Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-36096342053086081692012-10-01T12:09:00.005-07:002012-10-01T12:16:17.451-07:00Writing is a living, I promise.I'll try to finish writing this post before my next class. I'm sitting on the tile floor on the 3rd floor of J.R. Hall and my butt is going numb. But I don't really care because I am on a grind. I am working on my approach for a certain event I was given access to cover as press!!<br />
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The email came in yesterday and as soon as I read "Congratulations, Erin" and saw who it was from I jumped for joy. I ran down the hall to my mom's room, realized she wasn't there, ran to the other end of the hall skipping back to my room to call her. "I got approved for the Metamoris press pass!"I said as she immediately started raving about TJ Max.<br />
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<a href="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/381053_527115277303809_2034718892_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/381053_527115277303809_2034718892_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>After my first experience as press at the IBJJF American Nationals I took on a new role. And I felt I fit in. I was able to gain access through my zine and BJJPix.com whom I write for now and I had the credibility to wear the orange vest and go wherever I please. I'm still shy in the sense that I don't approach everyone I want to because I don't want to screw up their focus or keep them from doing what they're supposed to be doing but I'll get there. When I saw that Metamoris was going to be this huge event, I had to get a press pass. Then I realized that there was an application process that required a letter from the editor and readership numbers and many other things. Who was I kidding? Pulling Guard Zine will be big but it ain't yet. And I am the editor. And the web guy. And the writer. And the social media manager. And the CEO. And everything else! Plus the proof of exposure was hard to prove because, well, the numbers aren't big yet. So I had to look for another way to get the credibility.<br />
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I had a connection to an amazing guy who allowed me to submit a query to Black Belt Magazine. He knew the editor and sent in my request along with a personal note that vouched for me in a way that allowed me to see my worth. I feel grateful to someone notice that I am a driven individual with a lot of potential and charisma. Thanks, Tom! Anyway, the editor got back to us and didn't see the value in having me write about the event for their pblicatoin. However in the meantime, William Burkhardt of BJJPix.com whom I work with/for said he'd been approached. While he couldn't make it to the event personally, he was going to be sending a girl to shoot photos and guess who else? His local writer, of course.<br />
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While this isn't a world champion title or a new sponsorship, this is a big step in my newest journey. I am still narrowing down my skills and working towards being independently wealthy while enjoying my passions but this is a great help. I need to make sure that I cover this event in ways that overshadow the others. I want to reveal things that weren't seen by the "average" eye. It's not about getting the most exclusive interview or taking a picture with Nicolas Cage (which I will do if he is in fact in attendance as they said), it's about getting the story that will last a long time. Sure, it's a current event and it's got a timestamp but not when you write something that helps solidify something in history.<br />
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I'm not sure if you've realized but this is a historical event for our sport. Just wait until you start seeing more tournaments popping up with prize money and even more celebrity endorsements. More respect for the athletes and more entertainment for the crowd of non-gi whores, non-competitors, non-extreme enthusiasts. Yes, this can and will be enjoyed like the UFC one day.<br />
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I wonder if there will be walk out music?<br />
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Stay tuned for the updates, I've got big things comin' and this girl is going to be big. (especially if I keep eating Trader Joe's Pumpkin Ice Cream). After I get my homework done of course.Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-39708752041521081802012-09-19T12:13:00.002-07:002012-09-19T12:13:21.727-07:00I know my worth, do you?People like humility, honesty and vulnerability. As long as it has a purpose. Droning on about a situation you're dealing with or a trait you have is nobody's business until you make it their business. Blog posts do well when you can give life experience or knowledge and apply it to advice. It can be any advice, really. But that advice will determine what type of audience you're targeting as well as how BIG the audience.<br />
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My audience is indescribable. Maybe if I had google analytics tracking it, I'd have a better idea. But I just talk regardless and whoever listens, listens. Competitors, females, moms, writers, photographers, friends of mine, family members. They all get a kick out of it for different reasons. My dad reads it because he gains the best knowledge of what the hell I've been up to since I'm usually never available to chat with him. Females read it to be able to relate to me in the jiu jitsu world or just being a girl struggling in any male-dominated world. Random people read it for pure entertainment. It's multifaceted and to be honest, it's probably boring to most people. So if you gain anything at all from reading my posts, let me know. It makes my day.<br />
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This blog is in no way my marketing charm even though it comes up first on any google search made on my name. Who wants to hear about a girl having depression, gossiping and having negative thoughts. Some of my posts have no recognition of aspirations whatsoever. In a business mentality, who the hell wants to hire THAT?<br />
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Well, I'm honest. I expose myself like an "open book" and as a whole, I am chasing a dream. Sometimes that dream is far fetched and it combines with my writing dreams but by reading my blog you see the picture of both. With every facet of failure, success and all the emotions arriving from them. This makes me relatable. Human resources need relatability and someone who can empathize.<br />
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I provide a sense of vulnerability that allow others to learn from my mistakes. I can tell you to never lose your confidence before stepping on the mat. Never let the idea of an opponent trip you up and cause you to lose faith in your own ability. Most jiu jitsu competitors at a high level can tell you that. Cobrinha and Buchecha and Rodolfo and Luanna can tell you that. But you're more likely to understand when it's coming from me. Why? Because I describe a situation that would be very similar to one you'd experience. I'm willing to offer you the chance to get in my head, know what happened and understand it from a viewpoint that will make you learn. Although, in most cases, you'll just have to learn for yourself. Ain't that the truth.<br />
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My conversational writing style allows for people to feel like they know me. And by all means, you can say you do. You will know what to expect when hanging with me. What I've been through, what I've done and where I'm going. My humor, my temper, my pet peeves, my interests. Striking up a conversation would be easy and I've totally done it before with people who only know my online presence. You can trust what's coming out of my.. fingers.. because who would lie or be deceitful through a personal blog with no real intent? Probably someone.. but not me!<br />
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Jiu jitsu is in more ways than one, a way to learn about yourself. These are things I've learned through jiu jitsu and the opportunity to write about it. Writing in general is a way for me to talk and have no one tell me to stop. I'm sure that's evident. But also, jiu jitsu is a way to do something for yourself, with others and gain confidence. Establish goals whether it's competitions or passing a guard. The rewards are the same because the fulfillment acquired is priceless.<br />
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My advice in this post is to do what you want, find your worth in it and then use that to keep doing what you're doing. As long as it has a purpose.Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-22343208682423757292012-08-16T01:41:00.001-07:002012-08-16T01:41:03.004-07:00
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Wanting to write but not knowing exactly what to write is a haunting feeling. I want to talk about so much but I'm learning to keep things to my self at the same time. Not doing well with that. I want to tell you that the last 2 months of my life have been utterly depressing. Not the adjective, the disease. I want to tell you that I've been through so many things in just a matter of weeks that involve love, devastating loss, jealousy, failure, despair, fear and hope. But I can't tell you those things because they belong to me or something.</div>
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I believe things have come full circle. That I needed to go through these things in order for other opportunities to arise. Back in July I went to a tournament that boasted to have 7 other purple belts participating in a gi superfight. I signed on after much consideration after realizing that this whole fight everyone win or lose strategy would be a great way to test my skills against the purple belt division. Once I arrived, I realized it wasn't in a venue like the last competition they held, but in their warehouse gym with no A/C. I looked around and realized there were only three other girls. In actuality, I wasn't feeling too good and the heat was nauseating so I wasn't pissed about only having three fights. Finally when it came our time to go, I had my first match with a heavyweight. I managed to fend her off and get a sweep into mount earning me the win. Right after that, I went against a girl I had fought twice before. I pulled guard, swept, ended up in closed guard, got swept and she landed in mount where I defended an americana for the rest of the match. The third match was against a really strong tough girl. She passed my guard but instead of going into mount, which would have been less painful for me, she decided to go to knee on belly. Twenty times. I'd hip out and push her knee off, then she'd take the other one and slam it down into my solar plexus. This lasted for about 5 minutes. Glorious. The following week it hurt to walk I was so sore and I had a scab under my chin from the gnarly shoulder pressure I received. It was a horrifying day.</div>
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My training suffered thereafter despite my will to get better. With such a crippling experience in my first purple belt matches, I knew I had to get back into training hard. Too bad I was letting every little thing get in the way of that. I have little money because I haven't been able to get a job since I dropped out of life for Pan Ams and Worlds training. I've never had too much of an issue getting an admin position through craigslist but these days my resume seems to be diminishing into thin air. The drive to the academy takes up $50 bucks a week in gas if I'm driving every day. Knowing I had a small stipend to live off of for who knows how long prevented me from driving to the academy as much as I was before. If people flaked for conditioning I freaked and left thinking I'd be spending my time better elsewhere, like on my zine or my venture site into internet marketing. When I intended to drill but didn't make the plans beforehand or grew the balls to butt into someone else's session, I sat on the couch instead so I could be bitter about lacking the ability to drill. When I felt any ounce of anxiety at any point during training, I excused myself with no real reason and left. Sometimes I'd feel it before we even started drilling the first technique and other times I'd make it until it was time to roll. It always consisted of walking over to Cobrinha, telling him I had to go, being completely honest and leaving. "You have to go?," he says. Since he knows I didn't have much on my agenda it's no wonder he questioned it. "Where are you going?," he'd ask. "I don't know" coupled with a blank stare would do the trick and he'd let me leave. Sometimes I think I wished he'd tell me that I needed to stay no matter what I was feeling. Even if it meant bursting out in tears on the mat because my eyes were attached to a time bomb and whether I made it to the bathroom in time didn't matter. I just wanted to cry.</div>
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Eventually I just stopped coming as often. I'd trade training for a day of sitting at home watching the olympics. Whatever I needed to do, I would do because it felt like some sort of healing process. If being excruciating lonely and pushing people away at all cost was any way of healing, I can't say. It might have worked and it might have buried myself deeper. Looking back on what I had when I was training for Worlds, when I placed second (although a devastating moment when I lost the finals), when I received my purple belt a week later and when I visited for an amazing trip in Maryland/DC/Virginia, that was the last of my routine life. Once I returned, I didn't have my conditioning at 9am 3 times a week. I didn't have my gi classes every night because we went back to nogi classes. I didn't have my teammates showing up early every day to train late with the shared focus and determination of accomplishing something great. I didn't have all the visitors to spend time with like Malfa, Tanner, Thomas Lisboa, Simone, Monique, Mario, Mayra, Gabi and others. Coming home after a great weekend left me not only lost but missing things. Missing what I thought I gained in DC and quickly realizing it wasn't long term. Missing what I had before I left in terms of training and a bond with my training partners. My plans of quickly getting a part time job to assist my plane ride back to DC a month after were slowly becoming less and less realistic. And my hopes in anything, really, were being crushed over and over again due to my crippling depression. There's a quote I found that reads: "That's how depression hits. One day you wake up and you're afraid you're gonna live."</div>
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Dealing with failures, with change, with loss. Those are all reasons to be sad. You know, the kind of sad where you cry a bit, eat some ice cream and continue on your way. Where you make some changes and get back on your feet. Due to my stupid brain, I couldn't get back up. I'd have days where I'd be progressive. I made some little pockets of money here and there. Built a couple websites. Ventured into internet marketing. Tried regaining a friendship. But they all were either shut down and/or merely refused to last.</div>
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I talk in past tense like this was a thing of the past. It's not. This is the first day that I'm going to bed feeling like I did a bunch of good stuff without trying. I just had a somewhat regular day with some good news sprinkled here and there, and I'm not hoping to go to sleep and never wake up.. I believe this is the turning point but I don't want to jinx it. I'm not making any major plans and I don't rush this transformation period. I can't leave it until I'm convinced I learned enough from it. That I'll improve my life and my mindset. But I want others to know that my intentions for revealing these issues are not for forgiveness or to be able to brush it off. These aren't excuses for my behavior but I can really only hope that the people I consider friends are lax about it. I am trying to get over this mega hump in my way and the only purpose of posting about it is to be sure I am documenting every part of my journey. I do intend to build my legacy no matter how many valleys and mountains I have to overcome. Or how many days I have to drag myself out of bed. It will all be worth it.</div>
Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-65079783514474906162012-07-31T23:58:00.001-07:002012-08-01T10:48:45.350-07:003rd year<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4Hli_V-5aENRiw9vlMezKyunN2bGOlZA9OQ2HgP8Y46RgpDJnPZJqQ8y2r02r7XNqVLdelsCs71AiXJrtBJYQW6U9x97rIblOl0Uoy8pNY99U18705Z6Kk9NY-Nh8tTKxJFdIPSczdSOl/s1600/5695_1119134851957_6984072_n.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4Hli_V-5aENRiw9vlMezKyunN2bGOlZA9OQ2HgP8Y46RgpDJnPZJqQ8y2r02r7XNqVLdelsCs71AiXJrtBJYQW6U9x97rIblOl0Uoy8pNY99U18705Z6Kk9NY-Nh8tTKxJFdIPSczdSOl/s1600/5695_1119134851957_6984072_n.jpeg" /></a></div>
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The person pictured in the photo above is someone I don't even know anymore. Three years ago today I tried my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class. I came home with a bruise and complained about it on facebook. At the time I had acrylic nails, chubby baby fat and I was just getting rid of my acne. I walked into that gym hoping to find something to brag about to my friends. What I ended up getting was a lifestyle change that has made me into a driven individual today. And those friends I wanted to impress have dropped off completely.</div>
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Three years ago the most drive I had was the antsy pantsy adrenaline rush when I was waiting for a text from a guy I liked. In reality, it only drove me to pursue guys who were scumbags. While I was working and I was in school full-time, my major wasn't anywhere near what it has changed to now and my money was vanishing in thin air via gas and eating out. At the time I had a gym membership but never went once the entire 6 months I was signed up. Not once because I was afraid to be gawked at our looked at funny or most importantly, judged. The most accomplished moment of my life was graduating high school. Below that might have been completing an endurance horse ride or competing in a music festival in New Orleans, both at the age of 13. High school was a bore and uneventful and I never developed into a skilled athlete, artist, scholar, musician or any kind of trade. I hadn't chosen a lifestyle and I wasn't sure who I was. </div>
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In 2009 that all changed. I remember when Brian, the muay thai coach who noticed everything like a new haircut, told me one day that he noticed I had lost weight in my face. Then I noticed that when I wore a tube top, the fat near my armpits didn't bulge at all. (Big news for a girl!) And so the physical changes were obviously the more noticeable changes I saw. Once I started competing I turned into an athlete. Competing has given me the most intense experiences of my life. I have grown tremendously from them.</div>
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When I won two tournaments in a row to earn my blue belt, I felt more accomplished than any other time. <a href="http://erinherlebjj.blogspot.com/2010/08/las-vegas-open.html" target="_blank">Receiving my belt on the podium felt like the Olympics to me.</a> My work was being acknowledged in public and in great fashion. When I lost at the 2011 Las Vegas Trials, in that very same venue, <a href="http://erinherlebjj.blogspot.com/2011/02/everything-in-jiu-jitsu-has-come-very.html" target="_blank">I left that weekend thinking I was never going to win anything major</a>. I had gotten 3 bronze medals in 3 different divisions. Not to mention, my mentor was crushed for his own reasons and it was a disheartening weekend. But I still went to the San Diego Trials a month later. I didn't give up and <a href="http://erinherlebjj.blogspot.com/2011/03/abu-dhabi-trials-san-diego-everyone.html" target="_blank">I placed second in the open division at blue belt after less than 1.5 years of training, narrowly missing the trip to Abu Dhabi.</a> I learned. And I didn't give up.</div>
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<a href="http://erinherlebjj.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-dont-think-its-common-for-jiu-jitsu.html" target="_blank">When I lost a devastating and embarrassing match at the 2012 Europeans, I was crushed.</a> I returned to home with my head down and not wanting to talk to anyone. <a href="http://erinherlebjj.blogspot.com/2012/03/finally-free.html" target="_blank">After the 2012 San Diego Trials ended with a first match loss again, I made the necessary changes to manage a life of full time training even if only temporary. </a>The person I was three years ago would never understand the mentality I have today. Hell, we wouldn't even be friends.</div>
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The sacrifices I've made in the past three years have been more than worth it. The losses I've endured and the accomplishments I have gained are the most internally life-changing moments that will be the foundation of my future jiu jitsu journey. The drive I have today pushes me to aim for World Championship titles, for success in everything that I do and to pass limits that I previously set for myself. My eyes are open but targeted towards what I want in whatever way I can get it and past any obstacles that occur.</div>
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Tomorrow starts the fourth year and I hope to be making this type of post in a year with many in between. Thanks for reading thus far (and if this is the first post, that's cool too.)</div>
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P.S. Here is my first ju jitsu match ever in 2009 after 3 months of training. In the white gi.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-54120980971021457492012-06-23T21:41:00.000-07:002012-06-23T21:50:07.409-07:00I don't have to get up in the morning<br />
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“Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter.” - Neil Gaiman</div>
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I have a habit of leaving many internet tabs open at a time. Call me a hoarder, but I feel like once I open up a link or website, I need to save it for later or perhaps refer back to it often. Sometimes I get to reading something new and there are links to other sites or other blog posts. I right click and I open them in a new tab. To tell you the truth, I may never even get back to that tab. I may never read it before one day I just need a fucking refresh-- a new start. I made that start just now. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced. My computer now decides to shut off randomly even when plugged in. But that isn't the problem. I can start it back up, open up my internet browser and behold! It asks me if I want to restore the tabs. Why yes, yes I do. And so that's not the issue that happened to me now. This time, while sitting at starbucks, my wifi somehow opted to hook up to some TWC cable whatchamacallit and all the sudden all of my tabs were redirecting to the sign in page. Gone.</div>
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So I restarted my browser and started from scratch. I may have 7 tabs open already in a span of 15 minutes but that's a lot better than the 27 I had before. It feels good. I didn't want it but I needed it. I'll try not to make it a habit and once I'm done updating this, I'll close it. Because I really don't need to refer to my blog that often. The page numbers don't change that much and the content is always the same. I know the URL by heart.</div>
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I haven't trained in a few days. My head is a mess and my heart is somewhere on the floor of my teammate's apartment whom I am dog/housesitting for, probably covered in dog hair and slobbered on. My brain is somewhere near it, or at least I hope. I feel things a lot more intensely than other people and I've struggled with it my whole life. I've fought people over it but in the end, I've accepted it. This is just one of those times. It's okay that I'm feeling everything right now because it will in turn help me to make the right decisions. Even if I don't feel that I had much control over them.</div>
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I don't know if anyone can relate but I've created a life for myself currently that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Everything is up in the air. This is true for everyone, I assure you. You can change anything you want at anytime. You can pick up and leave I promise. But will you? I will. I need a job and I need some goals. I've got a new belt and I've got a new set of challenges in terms of jiu jitsu competition. I've got new responsibilities and some new friends. Some new drama and some new vices. But it's still all up in the air. I haven't decided where I'm headed yet but once I do, I will let you know.</div>
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I'm sorry I'm so scatterbrained.<br />
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<br /></div>Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-23067163211550991562012-06-19T07:31:00.001-07:002012-06-19T07:47:36.381-07:00I'm sitting in Maryland right now. I've been here for a week and I leave tomorrow. The reason I'm here actually changed the day I competed at Worlds. And I didn't decide if I was going to still use the plane ticket until a couple days before departure. It's funny how things turn out.<br />
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I competed at Worlds and I don't think I ever posted here what my results were. I placed second. I accomplished a lot of things that day including overcoming my nerves, which weren't really an issue even at Pan Ams. I went in there confident, knowing that I have the experience, skill and talent to be the best on the mat that day. Unfortunately, I met a girl from Team Lloyd Irvin in the final and she ended up coming out on top, literally, with an advantage from the double guard pull and nothing else. I was defending my guard the whole time so even if it did boil down to ref's decision, she still would have won. Not me.<br />
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People probably think I'm crazy for posting so many personal things about my life on a public blog. But I really don't care. The day I competed I also got dumped. It came as a shock despite knowing I was in the worst type of relationship ever and it was never supported by anyone who cares for me. Either way, it was still hard to deal with. My ticket to DC was to go stay with my bf and do really awesome things like roadtrip and see Canada and Niagara Falls. It would have been great. Instead, I ended up coming to stay with my amazing friend, Kenny, 20 minutes away from the asshole that tried to ruin my trip in the first place. I'm so grateful my trip turned out this way instead of going as originally planned. It would have only dug my head deeper into my ass. If you know me in person, you know who that dude is and I don't want to talk about him because he doesn't deserve my time or yours. But know that he's not malicious, he doesn't have the intent to hurt people, he just doesn't care. There's a difference.<br />
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I'm about to head off to 50/50 to train with Kenny and Jen Flannery and Seph Smith and Gianni Grippo and of course, Ryan Hall. I can't even count how many times I laugh in their presence. The training is great and I think they've thanked me more for coming than I've thanked them. I gotta fix that.<br />
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Sign up for my zine, I've got great things coming. I really suck at audio interviews and I wanted to release my interview with the amazing Keenan Cornelius buttttt the quality sucks. So I'm trying to salvage it, I promise the content is worth waiting for, just be patient.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-54810186486376695932012-06-09T13:39:00.000-07:002012-06-09T13:39:02.969-07:00Next ChapterI have no idea where to start with this post. Everything in my life has been exponentially better because of jiu jitsu. The role models that I have had, Romulo and Cobrinha, have both shaped me not only as a jiu jitsu athlete but as a person. I learned that I needed to push through whatever was in my way from Romulo-- that no one should ever be able to throw me off my path. I struggled so much with the decisions in my life, so much that I never really progressed. I just enjoyed making things worse for myself. Cobrinha has taught me that being positive in life is what matters most. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheQv2Ag_afMABqSV85GJaZ-vpWl0MaWcYpjaXtjPzhFdYGiw-qbd1rinKFKajbOWqXuoMoDHDI5BFQt0___0SZxxYp-ZiJ6BFpWCZfneThycK4d5pXUNns2mQowZ7H2-hqRuPc4gQQFsTN/s1600/DSM_3509.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheQv2Ag_afMABqSV85GJaZ-vpWl0MaWcYpjaXtjPzhFdYGiw-qbd1rinKFKajbOWqXuoMoDHDI5BFQt0___0SZxxYp-ZiJ6BFpWCZfneThycK4d5pXUNns2mQowZ7H2-hqRuPc4gQQFsTN/s400/DSM_3509.JPG" width="400" /></a><br />
Everything is how you look at it. Cobrinha isn't a very forward guy and it takes a real long time to get him to open up but I feel that I'm getting there. I remember a conversation I had with him where we actually discussed my mentality. He wanted me to just think positively. I said that I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, things that plague my mind. Things that I never thought I could get past. He reiterated that it doesn't matter what someone tells me I have or how I am, I can always erase negative thoughts and make changes. Solve problems. He's always pushed me to solve my problems and I have. Since beginning my training at Cobrinha's I have finally trudged along my path of happiness. The hardest thing is deciding what you want in life. And I'm finally there. The amount of negative events that have happened have not derailed my confidence in myself and I have not lost sight of where I am going.<br />
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I know that my negativity has often plagued the mats at Cobrinha BJJ. I often never realized it but I know now that it only takes one negative image, thought, word, sentence, you name it, to shake up that balance. I want to say I'm sorry for being that person and being a disease that spread from outside of my own mind and onto the mats.<br />
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Today I was promoted to purple belt by Rubens "Cobrinha" Charles Maciel after 2 years and 10 months of training. Cobrinha made a speech stating that I not only have improved in jiu jitsu but in life. I haven't complained, I haven't been negative and I have worked hard at becoming a more positive person. It was so hard not to cry. I'm so lucky to have not only an instructor in jiu jitsu but a life coach, whether he signed on for the latter or not.<br />
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Thank you Cobrinha for making me solve my problems. I see things so much clearer now and without your influence, I would have never pushed myself to face my issues head on and deal with them in a mature manner. You have given me such clarity that I feel I can do anything now. We may not be homies, or bffs and I can't tell you everything about my life but it's because of this type of relationship that I've realized how obsolete those factors really are in my life.
My training partners have been a pivotal role in my journey. I never had the support I have here. My female training partners are the best part of my training and without you girls, I wouldn't have the capacity to do what I do.
I have a huge road ahead of me and this is still the beginning but getting here is a chapter that I can finally end. This past year was hell at times and glorious in others. Either way, I am a better person and I can only hope that my journey continues at a similar progressive pace.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTQwwJONvyIw8UgKppgCox_6W7FBQ2YQQtToGR749CaxfI_enTlB4vr0faNQdSozJMDLPr8uJwvCikGm3TJyk31xDxGdaM6kbollEhRV8JNojuktKAaqhEWFXo1TTP9h6ffVOf1GuQLz7r/s1600/DSM_3517.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTQwwJONvyIw8UgKppgCox_6W7FBQ2YQQtToGR749CaxfI_enTlB4vr0faNQdSozJMDLPr8uJwvCikGm3TJyk31xDxGdaM6kbollEhRV8JNojuktKAaqhEWFXo1TTP9h6ffVOf1GuQLz7r/s400/DSM_3517.JPG" width="400" /></a>Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-10527332561333446472012-05-29T09:08:00.000-07:002012-05-29T13:24:42.912-07:00My mom went to the dentist about an hour ago. Not long after she left I pressed the down arrow on her remote to which the whole input changed on the T.V. giving me a blue screen along with a floating grey box that reads "No Signal." Beautiful. First I went to the remote and suddenly buttons are reprogrammed and the ones I need to work, well.. aren't anymore. The cable box responds but the T.V. won't get off this frickin blue screen. Even after I reprogram the remote to the T.V., reboot the cable box, hard reset the T.V. and try to get the control buttons on the T.V. itself to help it reclaim its sanity. So far, no luck. Not only will my mom be stressed when she gets home as there's something new to deal with, I have lost the majority of my entertainment for the day-- unless I move to my sister's room where there is another cable box. Maybe you don't understand how much I am relying on these cable channels for my own sanity. The past few days my time has been spent purely indoors. The only time I left the house was to make a visit to the urgent care.
<p>On Friday I thought it would be a great day to go to the beach given that the weather was really heating up and all of us training at Cobrinha's could use one mid-day retreat to relax in the sun. I wasn't sure of everyone else, but my hours of sun were quite limited due to training, work, driving and resting. I had planned the beach day a few days before and got a few heads to show interest. When I woke up, my left tonsil was sore but it wasn't really anything to worry about since I have problem tonsils that act up occasionally. I continued to drive to the academy to participate in conditioning, work on a friend's e-book after and then begin noon class. By the time we started drilling I had started feeling a bit icky but continued on. When it came time to roll I sat out for two rolls but not before I was called out by Cobrinha for resting. A week before the World Championships and I'm sitting out because I "don't feel well" wasn't really a great excuse. I felt the drive to get my ass in gear even though Cobrinha gave me the look of, "okay..sure...." but still let me sit. I wouldn't let myself sit. I ended up rolling the last couple rolls but after class I sat in the locker room dwindling down. While waiting endlessly for my turn to shower, I made was feeling more run down. It probably took nearly an hour just to get my turn to clean myself given that 5 women from Brazil are here for the Worlds. By the time Tove and I had gotten ready to set out for the beach, my number of volunteers diminished. I figured we'd set out on our own, determined to materialize our plans but as soon as I started driving I was increasingly more sick. By the time we made the decision to turn around, get some meds from CVS or Walgreens and rest at the place all the visitors were staying, three-day weekend traffic decided to make my life hell. It took about an hour and I was dying. I got to sleep when I got to the house but by 9pm I decided it was time to get my ass home. A 26 mile drive, I have nooooo idea how I made it home so sick.
<p>So between Friday and now I've gained more swelling in my tonsils, more pus on my tonsils, more pain, more fever, more nausea then less fever, less nausea, less pain, less swelling and less pus. If you had asked me a couple days ago if I would be okay to compete Friday morning I would have told you that "I doubt it." I'm still weak and not pushing it but I will be there on the mat to push my best.
<p>This story isn't so great and could have been cut down to a few sentences but it's important I map it out. I have spent almost three years preparing to compete in this tournament that could sum up my whole jiu jitsu experience. One weekend before and I'm feeling like death-- surely a way to derail my competition focus.
<p>On another note, I fixed the T.V....Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-56348608911398800002012-05-20T23:23:00.001-07:002012-05-20T23:23:32.995-07:00I never wanted to win at school. High school was the place that I settled for just getting by. I didn't have an excuse for not producing my best work and putting all of my energy into earning high grades. A grade of B was just fine for me because it didn't make anyone nag to me or disappoint my parents. When I see people who do well in school I feel like that could never have been me. I don't want that. It wasn't until now that I have the drive to be the best. I know what my head and heart feel when I have no intention of giving something my full attention and succeeding. That was everything in my past. Here and now, training for the World Championships I know the gold is mine. My opponents will have to want it more than me and literally break me if they want to see me fail. This is what I can excel in, this is where I can claim the best prize, recognition for my efforts and title. No magna cum laude, but rather the ability to say that I am a world champion.
On a lighter note check out two companies I support who are supporting my endeavors.
<a href="http://Www.rolladaptwin.com">www.rolladaptwin.com</a> and <a href="http://www.invertedgear.com">www.invertedgear.com</a>
Two new great companies, put together would be some raw pandas. Heyo!Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-28036103058115093122012-05-01T00:20:00.000-07:002012-05-01T00:20:05.719-07:00I don't think I could have ever imagined being so at peace with life in the way that it is now. Back in my cubicle days, if you told me that I'd be training jiu jitsu full-time without school or work getting in the way, I would have been ecstatic but definitely reluctant to believe that something as cool as this would come true. When I worked at the academy I remember thinking that I would never want to be a full-time athlete. Really, that was the stress of the job talking. It was hard to separate the two, remember? I couldn't go on the mat feeling like I was there because I wanted to be. These days I am there solely because I want to win gold. I am there because I want to accomplish my life goals which are now to win worlds. My goal when I made this very temporary life change, was to win pan ams. I accomplished that goal.<br />
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I trained twice a day every week day, I did conditioning mon-wed-fri, trained once on Saturdays and came in to drill on Sundays. I hate having to leave my house at 7:30am just to sit in traffic for over an hour just to make sure I'm at conditioning on time, yet the feeling of missing conditioning any day is a worse feeling. When you're missing work or you're late, absentminded or just doing a shitty job you have the burden of someone else reprimanding you. With jiu jitsu there's no policy for missed days and there's no clocking in. That feeling I get, that antsy, dreadful regret I feel when I miss it, that's the feeling of letting myself down. That's the worst feeling. Worse than disappointing your parents. Yeah, rough. So I've got myself to keep me in line and it's an amazing feeling having the motivation to do so. If only I could do that with my writing...<br />
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The day of the 2012 Pan American Championships I was actually too relaxed. I had to drink some coffee and slap myself in the face in order to wake up. My first match was against a Gracie Barra girl. I got her in a triangle right away but I could not finish it. A very familiar situation. I swear I got better but this girl was too stubborn. I let go and attempted to sweep her over head but her knee landed on my face. I kept going but when we stopped to go back to the center I realized my nose was bleeding which wasn't a shock. The medic took forever to squeeze a tampon up my nose and the ref was rushing me to get on with it. When we started again, I swept to mount but didn't end up finishing her. My second match was against a girl I've been friends with through the jiu jitsu community. Not the type of friend that I tell my boy problems to but the type that I'm not afraid to chat with. This is because she was a middleweight. Recently she took up body building and dropped down to feather. We ended up playing a double guard pull game til she came up. I swept and she went for what looked like a knee bar and the ref called a DQ right away. I'm sure she wouldn't be going for one but the reffing has become more strict in that regard I guess so it was called. Shitty way to win. My third match was against a Lloyd Irvin girl. I walked behind her as we were led back to the mat from the bullpen and thought about how I refused to lose to a Lloyd Irvin team member. It was another double guard pull but I was able to make her come up. I swept her but she got me in a triangle. I held on for 4 minutes. Four minutes I was in another world. Cobrinha yelled instructions for me to make sure I could relieve the choke and hide my limbs. I sprawled, I shifted my weight, I held on to my arm for dear life and my eyes were closed the whole time. For the first time in my jiu jitsu career I showed that I had heart. I was put in a bad situation and I chose to not give up. When the match ended and I survived the submission attempt, I was up by two points and I celebrated as if it was the final. It was an amazing feeling. My semi-final match was another triangle failure. I was up on points and ended up winning but it didn't really feel all that great. The worst match of the day was still yet to come. After winning my 4th match I knew that I was in the finals with my teammate. I asked Cobrinha how it should be handled but he decided to let us work it out ourselves. Jennifer had 4 matches as well that day with 2 being submissions. In my head I felt like she had the better day. She beats me in the gym every day and has been training longer than me. It's hard to not compare myself to her. Compare in the sense that we're both blue belt feather weights. I know this is all in my head and no one actively says "look at how much better Jennifer is" but when her and I end up winning an equal amount of matches in the same division it's an odd way to feel. When I addressed the situation to her, she first asked what I wanted to do. I said "of course I want the gold." She felt the same, obviously. We both worked so hard to get to the top of the podium and now we both had each other in the way. She opted for rock, paper scissors but said only 1 not 2 out of 3. She won.<br />
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And so I got a silver medal at pan ams 2 years in a row. Sure, I "won" because I "closed out" my division but sharing the title is not as great as I expected it to feel. Which is why I've considered dropping weight for worlds. As far as I know there are no Alliance girls competing at light feather and so I could have my own division, my own accomplishment and my own world champion title. No sharing involved. I don't know if I'll make that decision or not, it's something I really have to figure out soon, though.<br />
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I have big things coming. I have myself right where I want to be. In regards to the future, I have no clue. I had to set a dentist appointment today for 6 months from now. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to be. I told her whatever she wanted was fine but I have a feeling it will need to be changed. I don't know what job I'll have, what my training will be like, if I'll be in school or not. I don't care. I don't care that I have no idea what I will be doing after worlds because all I care about now is jiu jitsu. I did, however, change my major to creative writing and I understand that it will take me at least 2 more years to complete my degree but I'm okay with that. As long as I accomplish a degree in what I love, it won't matter how long it takes me. As long as I am living in a way that is in tune with my happiness.<br />
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Expect a Buchecha interview on Budovideos, perhaps some new blogging elsewhere and a great great article that may spark some controversy given that the first draft was completely shunned by the subject. Whether it's up his impossible standards or not, an article will be written. Stayyyyyy tuned.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-75537365322141771592012-03-22T17:50:00.001-07:002012-03-22T17:50:20.544-07:00I have all I needTraining is long. This is the last week before Pan Ams. You sit back when you feel you have enough time to eat crap, skip training sessions, sleep in, and mentally rest before the preparation until you feel it. It's too late. You should have found the motivation a month ago but you were too content chillin' until that point where you need to train hard. "I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I indulge in this amazing donut." Except that panic you get when you realize it's two weeks away and that's not much time to change anything in your plans. It's a weird feeling but can be prevented if you force yourself to start even when you think it's too early. That donut can wait til after you've won all your matches.<br />
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There's a band called Gorilla Biscuits. It's one of those old hardcore bands that you have to claim to know if you want to be presumed as a real hardcore enthusiast. I faked that. I bought the CD and listened to it for a week but couldn't listen to it long enough to mark it down on my list of things to talk about when justifying my credibility in the scene. I'm pretty sure I just went back to listening to The Starting Line or something as equally as stereotypical of a 15 year old girl. The song I do remember, however, is "Start Today." It's weird that whenever I think of those words I think about that song. And whenever I have a thought in my head to either make a change in my life or try something new, I think of those words. I'd totally get it tattooed on my wrists but I didn't gain the credibility.<br />
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I think I started training for Pan Ams when I should have. When I could have. If I didn't have the trials to push me into this high gear then I never would have survived thus far. My life is only jiu jitsu. I don't see my mom and I don't watch Grey's Anatomy with her every Thursday night when I would normally skip out on class since it's usually no-gi. She even went to the market without me on Saturday when that's been our ritual ever since I can remember. I don't think of much else. I know a guy who twitches in his sleep quite often. Reluctantly to say, I'll go ahead and reveal that I know 2 guys who twitch in their sleep. Because they're dreaming of jiu jitsu. I thought it was really weird and I'd heard of people hip escaping in their beds to roll over which a lot of us do but having jiu jitsu cause you to twitch is weird-- until I started doing it. Sometimes it jerks me awake. When I dream I think about passing because it's been my focus. And sometimes you've gotta be explosive so I guess it makes sense.<br />
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The one thing I dislike about all this training is the loneliness. There is no real cure and in fact the temporary fixes are often detrimental and even hazardous. I rely on my teammates to keep me sane with their jokes and the lunches we have in between training sessions but when they leave and I'm left at the academy I feel like a puppy at a pound. I'm truly grateful for the people in my life. I went through a phase of not liking my teammates. I didn't feel a connection but since San Diego it's there. And if they read this, I'd like them to know how much I appreciate everything. The hugs when I need them, the jokes, the teasing, the sarcasm and the motivation to push past the mental blocks during rolling. Without you guys I'd be miserable and I never would be here where I am now.<br />
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Furthermore, this academy is my home. I am here more than I am at my house and I feel that I can do no wrong. When I leave I get into trouble whether its spending money or wasting time but when I'm here all of my choices are warranted. I am kept in line. When I worked here it felt more like a prison. People would come visit the academy and when everyone got to hang out together at the Grove, I'd be behind the desk. Although I'm not working or making money right now, it feels like I shouldn't be anywhere else. I thought I knew where I was going but once I made the choice to stay here in the gym it felt so comforting.<br />
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I have all I need.<br />
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<br />Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3160216695006104084.post-42191783348434179502012-03-14T16:01:00.002-07:002012-03-14T16:01:54.704-07:00Finally free.I left the start-up. While I was assured a position and was unofficially moved from intern to full-time employee, the role never really stuck. They said I'd be full-time, have a set stipend and then in 2-3 months move to salary with insurance and making enough to move out of my parents' house and closer to the office in Santa Monica. It never really blossomed and I started hating what I was doing. What I thought would be a blogging/social media internship turned out to be a customer service internship. What I thought would be a full-time PR/Marketing position was really a full-time answer the phone, call people a lot position. Once it was determined that wasn't something I enjoyed at all, I opted out of being included in the role formation.<div>
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So I'm a full-time Cobrinha blue belt. I have no idea how long this will last or the likelihood that I'll be able to sustain this lifestyle through freelance writing yet but I'm willing to make a damn good attempt. Feels weird being at the academy all day again since that was how I started working there. They've since replaced me so now I'm back to being a bum. Driving the 26 miles back to my house isn't an option due to high gas prices so while every other jiu jitsu bum at the academy goes home to eat and rest in between training sessions, I find ways to be productive. Not a bad life, just will take some time to find the best ways I get my own things done without A.) spending money B.) wasting valuable time and C.) getting lonely.</div>
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I didn't plan it to be this way. I didn't tell myself to save up money and I didn't plan on leaving the start-up. I just didn't plan anything. After this past weekend at the San Diego Trials a lot changed in my head and I want to really try at something. I watch other jiu jitsu athletes find a way to make it work in order to train full-time and I couldn't keep up because I wanted something else. I watch my old high school friends graduating college and getting into top grad school while I haven't finished my B.A. yet. </div>
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I've been reading this blog: www.blog.penelopetrunk.com I believe her advice is great and she makes me feel comfortable with past decision I've made. Not that I needed someone to tell me that, but it gives me patience.</div>
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<a href="http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2003/08/26/3-things-to-teach-your-kids-so-they-succeed-in-life/">http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2003/08/26/3-things-to-teach-your-kids-so-they-succeed-in-life/</a></div>
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Here is where she speaks about how parents need to raise their children in order to have them succeed. I'm an adult and my mom raised me the way she wanted to but I believe this still applies to me given that I haven't fully left the coop yet. In my position now, it took passion and the risk taking in order for me to be able to work hard. </div>
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In her mailbag Q&A someone asked her what they should do because they haven't committed to anything due to not being passionate about it. Mid-twenties, always trying something new and switching directions, not graduated from college because can't decide a major and working low-end jobs because of it. Sounds familiar! Well here was her answer.</div>
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"<i style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Helvetica Neue LT Pro', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">It’s very common to have no idea what you want to do in your adult life when you are in your mid-twenties. Think about it: You have spent most of your life in school, learning things that do not help you figure out adult life. So now you have had only three or four years to figure out how you want to be as an adult. That’s not very much time. You have about fifty more years of adult life. You have plenty of time to get a good plan.</i></div>
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Meanwhile, keep trying new things. The way you find something you want to stick with is to try a lot of things to figure out what you are passionate enough to stick with. There is no hard in trying 20 things and stopping them because you don’t like them. There is more harm in pretending to be fine with what you are doing because you think you SHOULD be fine.</div>
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You are not wasting time if you are learning about yourself. Are you learning from all the things you are doing and not sticking with? Then you’re okay. If you are not learning about yourself then you might be paralyzed by fear. And then you might need help — coaching to get some focus, or therapy to get some personal insight. But most people who are lost in their twenties are just fine.</div>
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Side note: It’s too bad parents don’t warn kids, as they are growing up, that one’s twenties is a time for being lost.</div>
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<i>Penelope"</i></div>
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I lost my first match at Abu Dhabi Trials due to ref's decision. The next day was my last day working and now I'm here. My mom's freaking out. I have a speeding ticket to pay, academy dues, gas, car insurance and registration and many other things to pay for but I just don't care. If I'm doing what I feel I need to do then it's right because I never, ever feel this certain that I am where I am meant to be.</div>Building a Legacyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05982672008072225969noreply@blogger.com0