I'd like to think that I've given this blog a level of vulnerability. Reading raw material with no intention of guiding the reader to feel a certain way towards the writer or the content is a rarity these days. I try not to hold anything back but then again it's not my diary so I need to have some kind of filter.

I'm still in a rut and I haven't found much love for training at the moment. I've been more interested in building my writing resume and attempting to earn some bucks so I can slave away at this desk job less. After Vegas, Romulo told me to go be a doctor. Okay, that sentence is kind of harsh when it's out of context. Every time I mention that I've got another writing job or lead in for my zine he says "Good, world champion writer." Sometimes it feels like he's telling me to pursue that instead of jiu jitsu champion and maybe he is and he's right. I need a back up plan and this is it.

I went up to San Francisco as a last minute trip for the hell of it last weekend. It was a really good, refreshing yet confusing trip. I made the decision to just let things happen as they will and put my agenda in the hands of the ones who ended up with me so to speak. I got to train and eat healthy food and just tag along with whatever the guys do over there. I spent some days in Stockton and given my hosts there, I wasn't too worried about getting shot, even at the bar!

However, I've been a pretty big nutcase since getting back. I can't really say why not because there's anything to hide but because I don't really know. The lives up there just seem better than the one I've got here and I never want to feel this way again. I never want to come home and feel like what I have here is not worthy of my time and effort but that's really how it is right now. I've been making it an effort to change some things so that I can have confidence in the choices I've made thus far, love the people that exist in my world and the opportunities that are actually available for me-- not the ones that were dangled in front of my face with no tangible way for me to chase them.

I'm competing in less than two weeks at the San Diego Trials. I've been drinking soda, eating a lot of baked goods and not training much. Yet I'm not worried. The less I stress, the better I feel. I don't have plans to meet up with anyone, I haven't asked anyone to coach me, I don't plan on having anyone to warm up with or even sit with. It's a test for me to be a real fighter and step up.

I also just made some business cards that look like the cover of a complete Throwdown discography. XXX

Check out my Caio Terra Interview on Budovideos if you get a chance.
http://www.budovideos.com/online/bjj-news/caio-terra-interview/
Assuming everything pans out, I'll have an article in two big magazines soon. And I'm also going to be famous one day, so if you're reading this, consider yourself an early fan. Thanks for reading.

Being a tool.

Everything in jiu jitsu has come very fast for me. Much like in the honors programs in grade school, I have taken the faster route. The only difference is that I wasn't placed in this position, I put myself here-- or so I believe. I gave myself high standards, I committed to this aspect of the sport. At a year and 5 months of my jiu jitsu journey, I am faced with huge questions, decisions and issues. All I know is that I don't think this is "normal."

The first time I even saw jiu jitsu, I had a huge interest. In 2008 I was brought into the scene at Pan Ams. Let's call it fate. Whatever it was, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I immediately asked to see some women's matches. And after I saw it before my eyes, I was sold. It took me a long time to get the confidence to enter a gym. I wasn't an athlete. I had never played a sport. I rode horses but I hated running (I still do) and I never placed any importance on physical activity whatsoever. With those circumstances holding me back it was also the money, the commitment and just plain social anxiety. I didn't walk into the gym until over a year later. But as soon as I did, I signed a 2 year contract right after my very first class. I've always dealt with finding productive activities to do with my time as well as keeping stable in my mental state. I had just come off a voluntary drug trial for general anxiety disorder. My life was a mess until I found jiu jitsu. I signed that paper so fast I never even gave myself time to think of what I had just done. Somehow I was going to manage working 36 hours a week and going to college full time and training. And I did.

After three months there was talk about a tournament. With my first exposure to bjj being at a competition, I knew it was where I wanted to go with my hobby. I ran around asking everyone about it, asking how to sign up, what it was all about. I even asked if I was allowed, if I was good enough, if it was in my best interest. With Romulo being my professor but not quite someone I really even knew, I went up to him and said "Professor, can I compete in a tournament!?" He simply said, "yeah!" and of course I went, "but I mean, like, do you think I could do it!?" "Sure" And I went and used the office computer to sign up.

My first tournament is always referenced due to the girls in my division still being active in the scene today. I actually just fought 2 of them this weekend at Abu Dhabi Trials. I won my first match that weekend and I'm not even sure how. I was so happy. I lost my next match but I had still gotten a medal. I went home and posted about it on facebook right away with a picture of me, my medal a huge gi burn on my nose and a smile. It opened up so many doors for me. This was it.

I entered more tournaments, I won some, I lost some, I trained a lot. By the time I was even a 2 stripe white belt I was training up to 8-9 times a week. I was training at other academies through people I had met, I was setting goals, stripping my life of circumstances that would limit my ability to train. I can't tell you when it happened and I can't tell you why but I became hooked not because I enjoyed every second of it or because it was just so much fun. I made jiu jitsu a huge priority because it's what keeps me sane, gives my life worth and gives me a feeling that I can actually succeed at something.


Jiu jitsu is something I take very seriously. You probably wouldn't be able to tell by how I am on the mats or how I live my life. This is a really hard blog post to make. I'm really not finding the words I need to say. Basically, this past weekend was one of the worst feelings of my life. I don't train as hard as I need to, I don't take things as seriously as I need to, I don't work hard enough. My professor works harder than any single person I've ever met. What I do with jiu jitsu compared to him as a joke. It doesn't matter that I'm only a blue belt. I make him look like his life is just a hobby. For what he sacrifices, I have sacrificed nothing. I want to be a black belt champion. I want to be the best at this sport. At one point I thought I could. Up until this weekend I thought I was giving it my all. I complain, I bitch and moan, I cheat on my diet, I take breaks when rolling, I stop when there's any pain, I don't push myself. I sit and watch people roll at open mat because "my head's just not in it" To say that I will be a champion at this rate is pathetic.

So the position I am now in is deciding whether this path is right for me. If not going to school in hopes to spend the next 10 years of my life devoted to being the best there is at this sport is even remotely possible. Why the fuck am I faced with this situation? When did Romulo, Braulio, Luanna, Lovato, Marcelo, all of them decide that this is what they were meant to do in life? How early on in their life did they stop fucking around and train to win? I'm faced with this now, and I'm either going to make it through or I'm going to figure out that I'm just meant to sit on the side lines and write about it. I really don't know.