As always, a lot has changed. It’s hard to maintain this blog when things aren’t going as well as I’d like. I always feel as though I am in the middle of change and that I need to solve the issues at hand before reporting them or putting them into concrete words like on this blog. I guess I’ve been undergoing a lot of transformations that question the very name of this blog. It’s crazy that I still am not sure of what my legacy will be or why I will be a legacy or what will be remembered of me.

This is what I know about me right now. I am a college student. As much as I hate to say that as if it’s the main priority (because it should be,) it describes me the best. To say I am a college student implies that I am in the works of my later life. As if I’m allowed to be lost, confused and naively excited or depressed about my future. Yup, COLLEGE STUDENT, that’s me. Before I reenrolled this semester, I didn’t have that excuse. But hey, now I’m good. I am currently employed by my jiu jitsu professor. I was laid off late September. It was a shock and it wasn’t. I was ready to leave. Hell, I was ready to run from that place. I was rotting fast. And so one day I was called into a meeting begrudgingly and saw that it was packed with various people from other departments. This wasn’t abnormal considering we often had “sales training” where companies that we sell come in to babble about their products so we sell them more over others. I went to those because I had to but only came out of them with some free food or new pens/hilighters. This one time I got a whole chocolate bar from Ecuador. So we’re all packed in this conference room, the same room I spent my first three weeks at the company learning the programs I’d later despise. Three weeks of training for that job. The vice President looks sad. The human resources manager who I disliked goes ahead and flat out says, “We’re restructuring the company and unfortunately your positions are no longer needed.” Suddenly I was tearing up. I examined every single person’s face. They were all blank. They didn’t look shocked or stunned or upset or angry or worried. They just sat there. For some reason I get really sad when others suffer. Regardless of the fact that these people, who have worked here for decades, didn’t look very upset, I know that they were at that moment, losing their whole life. Here I am, the youngest person at the company now working part time, ready to move on anyway, balling up in tears for these people I despised. I hated them for being so satisfied with this job. It was their everything. Besides a family for some, these people woke up every day to come to this boring, restraining office full of cubicles and weird people talking about their kids all day. This was their excitement and driving force and it was gone. I left barely able to stop myself from crying and then I went to train.

The following days I was at the academy every day all day. Given that I live 26 miles from the academy, it didn’t make sense to leave and come back for the night classes so I lingered and made it home. Soon I was approached by Cobrinha and his wife with a proposal for a job at the academy. Funny how things fall into place. I knew the lay off was a blessing in disguise, I just didn’t know how yet. Here it is.

I’m currently on a plane home from Atlanta. I need a nice vacation away to see my favorite person. While I was there, Jordon was competing in a Grappler’s Quest and I decided to sign up since it was free for women. I ended up getting second in advanced no gi, second in advanced no gi open (after getting kimura-ed in 9 seconds by an Alliance teammate) and first in gi. I hadn’t competed since I was submitted my first match at Nationals. It takes a lot out of me when I lose. While I was right on in Vegas, I couldn’t get my shit together for Nationals and ended up being armbarred by a girl I had beat in Vegas. I hate relying on “good days” and chalking up every loss to a “bad day.” There’s got to be a better way to control it and I haven’t figured that out yet. I sound really fuckin’ dumb when I talk about it because I am still a noob but regardless, it is plaguing my results now.

Overall, I’m a writer, a student, a crocheter, and now a marketer? I’m still writing articles for various outlets. I’m crocheting beanies that are for sale for $20 (+ shipping when applicable) and slowly working on my zine. What’s important is that I am constantly working towards something. I am always pushing forward, ignoring negative people, ignoring those that are in my way. Buy a beanie. Bye.