I don't think it's common for a jiu jitsu athlete to be so sensitive. There's a large level of mental toughness that is required and that's something that I just don't have. Or maybe it's not toughness at all.

The best athletes are those who take nothing personal. They win or they lose, they keep moving on. They keep working hard. They go to practice every day the same way. They do not let outside sources affect the way they train, prepare and perform. I am not like this.

I struggled to get to Europe for the Europeans and I made it. I got through an ugly ulcer in my throat and I got through a car accident that totaled my car a week before my departure. Not asking for a congratulations but it was worth noting that I had enough passion to fight through everything and still get here no matter how much debt I'd be in or how unprepared in my training I might have felt due to having to get a new car, missing a week of work and not training much. 

And then when I got to Europe I lost my first match.

I haven't enjoyed training in awhile. Stepping on the mat feels like a job and I am constantly watching the clock through out class time waiting for the chance to stop. 

I have no career, I have no degree, I have no career goals and I am tired of not knowing where I am going despite my constant evaluations of my life. The only thing I have become good at is knowing what I don't or can't do which is a lot. 

Thinking back, the only real time I felt like I was doing something that I was meant to do was when I was creating my zine. No one could tell me I was doing something wrong. No one could tell me how much money to spend on it, how much time to spend on it or how much of a waste of time it was because I knew that I enjoyed every second of it. It was a chance for me to create something solely and completely by myself that truly represented what I was capable of. It was mine. I have never felt that way about jiu jitsu or anything else so I think it's time to go back to that.

As for my match, I gassed out. I had more anxiety than anything I had felt before and without anything to calm me down I went on the mat and competed like complete shit. I couldn't establish my guard, I got passed, I recovered but couldn't keep it. My opponent got mount at the end and that was it. It took awhile to recover and I wanted to puke. I hated every second of being there. I wouldn't do it again if you paid me $10,000. This is not just a match that I lost and that will be avenged by some hard training on the mat what I get home. This is not a case of nerves or just a bad day. I have had those.

Whatever I choose to do when I get home has nothing to do with anything but my lack of passion. It has nothing to do with a bruised ego. It has nothing to do with being a sore loser. I don't care about the match, I care about doing what I love, setting long term life goals and being happy.

Europe has been an amazing trip and I have learned a lot so far. I knew that just my being here would be a huge accomplishment and it was. I can't wait to come back.

It's really hard to leave this blog alone for a large chunk of time and then come back to it with something clear to write about. I've been a hermit for the past 6 months and especially the last couple. My holiday season was whatever. I don't think it was fun or nice or refreshing or relaxing. There was no great family time or good relaxation. In fact, all of my relaxation time was spent doing something and then immediately feeling guilty about it right after because it wasn't conducive to my goals and current should-be lifestyle. I feel like a damn catholic. 

Jiu jitsu may be an individual sport but it takes a team to make a great competitor. It takes support to reach goals. Part of competition training is having a team that will endure everything together and help each other achieve goals and being positive. I'm not talking about speeches about what we should be doing in general, things that are told to us where we feel as far as removed from it as if you just told me to relate my life to kids in Africa. It just doesn't apply. There needs to be a personal level, personal motivation and an overall interest in other teammates' goals. 

A huge thing I've noticed is the presence of shame and guilt in the training regiments. If you don't train, you're led to believe that you have just costed yourself the gold. You just let yourself down. Shame on you. If this is the case, then I don't want to train at all. The presence of negative reinforcement is there even if you don't see it. It's there. The speeches are about positivity but the behavior is negative. Let me place shame on you just because you ate a cookie or you didn't train one class. I think it creates a very negative environment and a place where training super hard and feeling like you're in hell is just not conducive. And training should be hard. Harder than the competition. But if I don't feel the progress or feel the worth in my hell of a training session, it's hard to feel motivated enough to do it 2 times a day.

I leave next week for Europeans and I feel like the last person who should be going to another country to represent my team. I tried to spare myself of that lingering mentality that I need to be training harder than everyone right now and I need to be more focused than anyone but instead I created a challenge for myself that has actually interrupted my focus. I don't feel ready but I never do. Unfortunately I've invested a lot of money for this experience and I wish I could still consider it as such-- an experience that I will always remember. Yes my goal is to win but I also will learn either way and gain knowledge from my first time traveling out of the country. Alone, even. And that should be enough but it's not.