It's really hard to leave this blog alone for a large chunk of time and then come back to it with something clear to write about. I've been a hermit for the past 6 months and especially the last couple. My holiday season was whatever. I don't think it was fun or nice or refreshing or relaxing. There was no great family time or good relaxation. In fact, all of my relaxation time was spent doing something and then immediately feeling guilty about it right after because it wasn't conducive to my goals and current should-be lifestyle. I feel like a damn catholic. 

Jiu jitsu may be an individual sport but it takes a team to make a great competitor. It takes support to reach goals. Part of competition training is having a team that will endure everything together and help each other achieve goals and being positive. I'm not talking about speeches about what we should be doing in general, things that are told to us where we feel as far as removed from it as if you just told me to relate my life to kids in Africa. It just doesn't apply. There needs to be a personal level, personal motivation and an overall interest in other teammates' goals. 

A huge thing I've noticed is the presence of shame and guilt in the training regiments. If you don't train, you're led to believe that you have just costed yourself the gold. You just let yourself down. Shame on you. If this is the case, then I don't want to train at all. The presence of negative reinforcement is there even if you don't see it. It's there. The speeches are about positivity but the behavior is negative. Let me place shame on you just because you ate a cookie or you didn't train one class. I think it creates a very negative environment and a place where training super hard and feeling like you're in hell is just not conducive. And training should be hard. Harder than the competition. But if I don't feel the progress or feel the worth in my hell of a training session, it's hard to feel motivated enough to do it 2 times a day.

I leave next week for Europeans and I feel like the last person who should be going to another country to represent my team. I tried to spare myself of that lingering mentality that I need to be training harder than everyone right now and I need to be more focused than anyone but instead I created a challenge for myself that has actually interrupted my focus. I don't feel ready but I never do. Unfortunately I've invested a lot of money for this experience and I wish I could still consider it as such-- an experience that I will always remember. Yes my goal is to win but I also will learn either way and gain knowledge from my first time traveling out of the country. Alone, even. And that should be enough but it's not.