blabbing

It's the things that bring you to tears that are worth writing about. I haven't let anyone tell me different.
It's the things that make me stop everything I'm doing to get it all down because if I don't, it will never make sense to me. And perhaps it never does.

But by writing it down, passing it on to another, it will become clearer. It's always the first draft that you see here and only edited while it's being laid out through my fingertips. My weathered, sometimes quivering and sometimes aggressive fingertips. Aggressiveness due to urgency since the faster I get it down, the faster I can read it over and over to feel it again.

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There are so many positives to success that are worth mentioning. You know, the ones that no one ever acknowledges. The underlying emotions and motivators, not the material possessions. You must be able to tell the difference here and now. Family is a possession. Friends are possessions. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you look at it like me, these are disposable things. You can change them, dismiss them. Ignore them, even. That's what people do when they want to succeed. That's what jiu-jitsu champions do when they want to succeed. Maybe you don't notice it because it's the denial of relationships altogether that is at play. Having never built a relationship, one can't be distracted, or needed. Can't afford to be needed. Or maybe you don't notice it because it hasn't happened to you.

Finding something you want brings ultimate greed. You will never know what it feels like to succeed if you haven't wanted something so badly that you would be willing to give up everything for it. You will never know true happiness if you haven't suffered enough to get it. You will never know what defeat feels like if you haven't given everything in the process. You will never truly experience victory unless you've lost ten times before. It's the binary oppositions that make one thing make sense because it gains worth through what its not. And the more of one means it mirrors to the other. Without life there would never be death and without sun there would never be dark. It would just be one thing all the time, never needing a specific name and never having to hold meaning. The larger the gap between these two, the greater the two will be.

Live your life in extreme oppositions. I'm telling you right now. Be all-or-nothing and know your worth. I've seen the greatest human beings created from tragedy. I always thought I needed to rise up from tragedy in order to be considered weathered, tarnished and therefore worth more. But don't wait for lightening to strike you. Just do what you feel is extreme and be the farthest removed you can from what you are now.

And don't stop. Never stop. You begin with a boulder. A boulder that carries a lot of weight whether it's the physical pounds that are holding you down, the overbearing person in your life, the fear in your heart. You get it moving, you push it out of the way and it gets easier. Sometimes starting on your own will never happen. Surround yourself with people who can help you move your boulder whether they serve a literal purpose or just a purpose in the form of moral support. People who are onto the same goals will push boulders together and in turn, help keep the momentum going.

If you settle, you will need to push a boulder again. Sometimes you have rocks, an avalanche, a defeat. A financial setback, a natural disaster, a loss of someone or something. As long as you have your momentum, it won't be half has hard to deal because you are moving, you're walking, running, bolting through.

Make analogies and you'll see things clearer, I promise. Everything in life already exists, you just have to see it a certain way because it takes different forms. Don't let it fool you. The amount of experience you have can translate into any situation which only furthers your understanding, allowing you to prepare for the presence later in life.

My advice will only go so far and you will only trust so much of it, but that's your right. I surround myself with people who will help me to move my boulders, teach me new perspectives and most of all, keep me moving. As long as you remain aware, you'll notice what is holding you back from moving forward and you are entitled to remove it, get past it and leave it in your dust.

Or you can remain the same.



 

Backpacking the Beautiful East Coast

In 2009 I planned a trip to the east coast where I found random friends and acquaintances to let me sleep on their couch while bussing it to different cities. It was amazing experience that allowed me to see DC, New York, Philly, Baltimore and Boston. Since then I have visited the DC area a couple of times and have fallen in love. Mainly, 50/50 academy in Arlington is my favorite place however there are other areas I adore.

In an attempt to spend my winter break from school away from LA and somewhere I love, I planned to somehow get there. And then I figured I'd visit some other places as well since I've been way from some friends for a long time. Tie that in with the fact that there are some major BJJ academies that I must visit, and I've got a great trip filled with sleeping on couches, exploring with natives and going on megabus trips in between states. My only issue (besides scrounging up the money) is finding accommodations.

It's kind of hard to tell you the exact day I'd be there since it will depend on the price of tickets and whatnot but ideally I'd like to be there from the end of December to about Jan 17th/18th. Most likely starting in NY and then ending in DC.

Anyhow, I need some help along the way in the BJJ community to allow me to stay in certain areas and if you don't mind being a tour guide, that'd be great. I'll be writing plenty of pieces for GRACIEMAG.com (I got hired for them, I'll have to explain that in another post. I promise I will soon!)

So if you or someone you know wants to entertain me for a day or a few days along the east coast near a major academy, please let me know and I'd be grateful. I'll teach you weird feet hooks, how to crochet a beanie and tell you cool stories about anything you want. And I'll write about you too!

Thanks for the help, guys! Message me on facebook should you be able to help in my backpacking adventure!

What the heck are you doing with your life?

How many times have you stopped everything you're doing and asked yourself, "what am I doing with my life?" How many times? Have you ever? Only when you know things have gotten shitty? What about when things are going great? What about when you feel like you can't actually change much? And what about asking when you already asked yourself a week ago and the answer was fulfilling then? What if it's not anymore? Can that happen? Can you be satisfied one week and the next be completely lost? What about annoyed at yourself? Is that beating yourself up? Is it okay to beat yourself up into shape? What shape do you want to be? Do you want to be good at something? Why not great? Why not the best? What if you want to be the best at many things? What about just two? Isn't two okay? Isn't that manageable? Can you tell me it is?

What the fuck are you doing with your life, Erin?

I can't answer it today. I can't tell you. Maybe I could have told you yesterday but today, I can't. The past week, all I've been able to do is study for my future. I've been looking up job opportunities in another city. I've been looking into the type of journalism I want to be writing. I've been looking into the business cards I want to make to make sure I represent what I want to be. I've been looking up ways to write narratives the way I hope to be writing. I've been looking up reasons why writing is a good career and why it isn't. I've been looking into ways to publish a book. I've been looking at my bank statements. I've been looking into the credit cards I haven't paid off. I've been looking at the assignments I need to be doing in school and tests I need to be studying for. I've been looking into the articles I want to write but haven't been writing them. I've been looking into ways to stay productive, stay healthy, stay in the game. Where am I now, though?

This whole week I've felt more and more disconnected from my goals. I thought I was in it, and somehow I strayed. I thought I knew how to manage my roles but I haven't. Suddenly everything is overwhelming for no reason. It just happened. I've focused so much attention on my goals that my path has gotten slowly more and more unrecognizable. How do I get from here, to my goals?

I spent all day yesterday not doing anything. I pretended I had nothing to do. I hung out with my mom and we ran some errands and I was extremely tired because I didn't take my ritalin. I figured it was okay not to because I wasn't planning on using my brain but it ended up making me extremely hungry and extremely tired and irritable. I slept for 12 hours last night. And today I woke up knowing that I needed to do things and re-enter the world and even though I only spent yesterday as my MIA day, I feel like I've been unknowingly doing that for some time now.

I know it's okay to be gone, right? And it's okay to have setbacks, right? I'm not losing hope. I'm not forgetting my goals. I'm just a little mumbled.

The hard part about taking pharmaceuticals is that you never quite know where the issues are stemming from as you don't really know if it's the old you or the new you. It's a journey that I wasn't ready to embark on until recently. It's helped me accomplish so much but at what cost?

When will I start training again? Initially I was planning to train full time as soon as the school semester ended with the motivation of competing at Europeans. But I've come to the awful realization that I'm not making the money I intended to and I'd be the biggest asshole for taking the money I did make and putting it towards an expensive trip when I still haven't paid off the Europeans trip from 10 months ago, much less anything else on my list of debts. Here is mature Erin talking: I need to pay off my debt and stop living in a fantasy world where I put off all my responsibilities for the impulsive lifestyle.

What are you doing with your life?

I'm taking some classes, I'm writing some articles, I'm covering some events, I'm blogging, I'm not training, I'm eating whatever I want, I'm taking ritalin and gabapentin, I'm making little money, I'm competing at Nogi Worlds, I'm working towards a degree. That's it, I think.

I'm going to write a book.

What role am I today? Oh, all three!

I play many roles. We all do. Role theory has been around for centuries and it plays off the idea that we are constantly attending to social roles that we have either been given or we have assumed. These roles determine how we act and behave, how we are seen by others and how we portray ourselves. But how can we know each other so well when our roles are so conflicting? How can others get to know us as a whole if they only know a small amount of the roles we play? This is my issue and how I am dealing with it determines my success.

I believe that my main roles are that of student, jiu jitsu competitor and writer. Those are in no particular order not because I don't have priorities but because they all equally share my time. To be honest, I cannot be more than one of those roles at any given moment. And although I may write about jiu jitsu, and one may influence the other, I am either one or the other.

I struggle with the fact that each identity has me building relationships as one type of person while I may really want to get to know a person based on a different role. But at the time I am in their presence I am stuck. And my goals are specific to each role however the time, effort and heart that I place in each must all be sacrificed for the others.

As a student, I should set my priority as school first. After all, my mom is helping me out by paying for my schooling and any slacking off would surely be a form of disrespect. But my heart is not in my education. If you know me at all, my worth is not found in the form of a letter grade and a classroom is not where I learn my most important life lessons. This is not who I am. However, assuming the role of being a college student places a burden that I am expected to deal with. And not just deal with, but perform with. I've got this literally, heavy as shit backpack of books and laptop and notebooks and I have to maintain my composure. I have to keep going. Because taking off semesters has caused me to be here since 2007. I still have two more years to go if I want to complete my education. It is the completion that drives me to do this, not the degree itself. But it is my goal to complete it and once it is set, it must be accomplished.

The most confliction I have resides within the world of jiu jitsu. It is not common to be an active competitor with goals of being a world champion as well as being part of jiu jitsu press with goals of being the best writer of jiu jitsu. I want to capture the best moments and I want to experience them. Because they both take up so much time as well as interfere with each other, I am usually one or the other. You can always tell which side my focus  has claimed based on my personal appearance. Working out a lot? I'm probably training twice a day. Flabby? I'm probably writing a crapload and interviewing like crazy. Sometimes my brain is the one being exercised, not my muscle memory.

But how can I manage it all?

I am currently being put to the test. This past weekend I attended two major jiu jitsu events. But not to compete. Not to enjoy as a spectator. I was there to cover events-- to interview, to report, to make sense of it all and to give people the feeling that they were there, without using a camera. I was press for Metamoris and I was able to experience two press conferences. At the ADCC Trials I got to interview some big names. But I haven't trained in a week. And I didn't study for my midterm. I was writing and networking and recording and actively watching, trying to remember everything I could about the feeling of being there, the emotions that were displayed and the history that was made. My mind wasn't on my literary criticism and theory. So I drove home after the event Sunday night and I got home after 2 and a half hours of driving where I studied for an hour. Then I woke up early and I studied for more. My midterm was hell but I can only hope that I displayed enough knowledge as it exploded through my pen and onto the 7 pages I hurriedly scribbled down for 75 straight minutes. 

And did I mention I am signed up to compete at the Nogi Worlds in two weeks? Did I tell you that I haven't trained much at all and I am not in shape? But my heart is on the mat and that's where I left it when I placed second at the world championships in June. My heart will always be in jiu jitsu whether it's off the mat or on but my true love will forever be in the spotlight-- as a performer, as a doer, an applier, a protagonist. 

Setting an example is more than just talking about it. I want to apply my theories, my analysis and my knowledge. I gain so much from interviewing the greatest people in my sport. I gain awareness and I can only hope that I can apply it. 

Know me as a doer. Know me as a thinker. And most importantly, know me as a successful individual. I am building my legacy and I've chosen to do so through many routes but all will lead to a fulfilled, happy life full of rich, healthy and righteous rewards. I don't care about being famous, I don't care about making money, I care about making a difference. I care about inspiring. I care about setting standards, I care about establishing my place in history and leaving my mark on and off the mat. For those who have been helping me along the way I am forever grateful and intend to be as beneficial as you have been to me. And for those who don't care to add to my life in anyway, kindly step aside.

Thanks Mike Calimbas for the picture! Check out his photography at www.mikecalimbas.com

Writing is a living, I promise.

I'll try to finish writing this post before my next class. I'm sitting on the tile floor on the 3rd floor of J.R. Hall and my butt is going numb. But I don't really care because I am on a grind. I am working on my approach for a certain event I was given access to cover as press!!

The email came in yesterday and as soon as I read "Congratulations, Erin" and saw who it was from I jumped for joy. I ran down the hall to my mom's room, realized she wasn't there, ran to the other end of the hall skipping back to my room to call her. "I got approved for the Metamoris press pass!"I said as she immediately started raving about TJ Max.

After my first experience as press at the IBJJF American Nationals I took on a new role. And I felt I fit in. I was able to gain access through my zine and BJJPix.com whom I write for now and I had the credibility to wear the orange vest and go wherever I please. I'm still shy in the sense that I don't approach everyone I want to because I don't want to screw up their focus or keep them from doing what they're supposed to be doing but I'll get there. When I saw that Metamoris was going to be this huge event, I had to get a press pass. Then I realized that there was an application process that required a letter from the editor and readership numbers and many other things. Who was I kidding? Pulling Guard Zine will be big but it ain't yet. And I am the editor. And the web guy. And the writer. And the social media manager. And the CEO. And everything else! Plus the proof of exposure was hard to prove because, well, the numbers aren't big yet. So I had to look for another way to get the credibility.

I had a connection to an amazing guy who allowed me to submit a query to Black Belt Magazine. He knew the editor and sent in my request along with a personal note that vouched for me in a way that allowed me to see my worth. I feel grateful to someone notice that I am a driven individual with a lot of potential and charisma. Thanks, Tom! Anyway, the editor got back to us and didn't see the value in having me write about the event for their pblicatoin. However in the meantime, William Burkhardt of BJJPix.com whom I work with/for said he'd been approached. While he couldn't make it to the event personally, he was going to be sending a girl to shoot photos and guess who else? His local writer, of course.

While this isn't a world champion title or a new sponsorship, this is a big step in my newest journey. I am still narrowing down my skills and working towards being independently wealthy while enjoying my passions but this is a great help. I need to make sure that I cover this event in ways that overshadow the others. I want to reveal things that weren't seen by the "average" eye. It's not about getting the most exclusive interview or taking a picture with Nicolas Cage (which I will do if he is in fact in attendance as they said), it's about getting the story that will last a long time. Sure, it's a current event and it's got a timestamp but not when you write something that helps solidify something in history.

I'm not sure if you've realized but this is a historical event for our sport. Just wait until you start seeing more tournaments popping up with prize money and even more celebrity endorsements. More respect for the athletes and more entertainment for the crowd of non-gi whores, non-competitors, non-extreme enthusiasts. Yes, this can and will be enjoyed like the UFC one day.

I wonder if there will be walk out music?

Stay tuned for the updates, I've got big things comin' and this girl is going to be big. (especially if I keep eating Trader Joe's Pumpkin Ice Cream). After I get my homework done of course.

I know my worth, do you?

People like humility, honesty and vulnerability. As long as it has a purpose. Droning on about a situation you're dealing with or a trait you have is nobody's business until you make it their business. Blog posts do well when you can give life experience or knowledge and apply it to advice. It can be any advice, really. But that advice will determine what type of audience you're targeting as well as how BIG the audience.

My audience is indescribable. Maybe if I had google analytics tracking it, I'd have a better idea. But I just talk regardless and whoever listens, listens. Competitors, females, moms, writers, photographers, friends of mine, family members. They all get a kick out of it for different reasons. My dad reads it because he gains the best knowledge of what the hell I've been up to since I'm usually never available to chat with him. Females read it to be able to relate to me in the jiu jitsu world or just being a girl struggling in any male-dominated world. Random people read it for pure entertainment. It's multifaceted and to be honest, it's probably boring to most people. So if you gain anything at all from reading my posts, let me know. It makes my day.

This blog is in no way my marketing charm even though it comes up first on any google search made on my name. Who wants to hear about a girl having depression, gossiping and having negative thoughts. Some of my posts have no recognition of aspirations whatsoever. In a business mentality, who the hell wants to hire THAT?

Well, I'm honest. I expose myself like an "open book" and as a whole, I am chasing a dream. Sometimes that dream is far fetched and it combines with my writing dreams but by reading my blog you see the picture of both. With every facet of failure, success and all the emotions arriving from them. This makes me relatable. Human resources need relatability and someone who can empathize.

I provide a sense of vulnerability that allow others to learn from my mistakes. I can tell you to never lose your confidence before stepping on the mat. Never let the idea of an opponent trip you up and cause you to lose faith in your own ability. Most jiu jitsu competitors at a high level can tell you that. Cobrinha and Buchecha and Rodolfo and Luanna can tell you that. But you're more likely to understand when it's coming from me. Why? Because I describe a situation that would be very similar to one you'd experience. I'm willing to offer you the chance to get in my head, know what happened and understand it from a viewpoint that will make you learn. Although, in most cases, you'll just have to learn for yourself. Ain't that the truth.

My conversational writing style allows for people to feel like they know me. And by all means, you can say you do. You will know what to expect when hanging with me. What I've been through, what I've done and where I'm going. My humor, my temper, my pet peeves, my interests. Striking up a conversation would be easy and I've totally done it before with people who only know my online presence. You can trust what's coming out of my.. fingers.. because who would lie or be deceitful through a personal blog with no real intent? Probably someone.. but not me!

Jiu jitsu is in more ways than one, a way to learn about yourself. These are things I've learned through jiu jitsu and the opportunity to write about it. Writing in general is a way for me to talk and have no one tell me to stop. I'm sure that's evident. But also, jiu jitsu is a way to do something for yourself, with others and gain confidence. Establish goals whether it's competitions or passing a guard. The rewards are the same because the fulfillment acquired is priceless.

My advice in this post is to do what you want, find your worth in it and then use that to keep doing what you're doing. As long as it has a purpose.

Wanting to write but not knowing exactly what to write is a haunting feeling. I want to talk about so much but I'm learning to keep things to my self at the same time. Not doing well with that. I want to tell you that the last 2 months of my life have been utterly depressing. Not the adjective, the disease. I want to tell you that I've been through so many things in just a matter of weeks that involve love, devastating loss, jealousy, failure, despair, fear and hope. But I can't tell you those things because they belong to me or something.

I believe things have come full circle. That I needed to go through these things in order for other opportunities to arise. Back in July I went to a tournament that boasted to have 7 other purple belts participating in a gi superfight. I signed on after much consideration after realizing that this whole fight everyone win or lose strategy would be a great way to test my skills against the purple belt division. Once I arrived, I realized it wasn't in a venue like the last competition they held, but in their warehouse gym with no A/C. I looked around and realized there were only three other girls. In actuality, I wasn't feeling too good and the heat was nauseating so I wasn't pissed about only having three fights. Finally when it came our time to go, I had my first match with a heavyweight. I managed to fend her off and get a sweep into mount earning me the win. Right after that, I went against a girl I had fought twice before. I pulled guard, swept, ended up in closed guard, got swept and she landed in mount where I defended an americana for the rest of the match. The third match was against a really strong tough girl. She passed my guard but instead of going into mount, which would have been less painful for me, she decided to go to knee on belly. Twenty times. I'd hip out and push her knee off, then she'd take the other one and slam it down into my solar plexus. This lasted for about 5 minutes. Glorious. The following week it hurt to walk I was so sore and I had a scab under my chin from the gnarly shoulder pressure I received. It was a horrifying day.

My training suffered thereafter despite my will to get better. With such a crippling experience in my first purple belt matches, I knew I had to get back into training hard. Too bad I was letting every little thing get in the way of that. I have little money because I haven't been able to get a job since I dropped out of life for Pan Ams and Worlds training. I've never had too much of an issue getting an admin position through craigslist but these days my resume seems to be diminishing into thin air. The drive to the academy takes up $50 bucks a week in gas if I'm driving every day. Knowing I had a small stipend to live off of for who knows how long prevented me from driving to the academy as much as I was before. If people flaked for conditioning I freaked and left thinking I'd be spending my time better elsewhere, like on my zine or my venture site into internet marketing. When I intended to drill but didn't make the plans beforehand or grew the balls to butt into someone else's session, I sat on the couch instead so I could be bitter about lacking the ability to drill. When I felt any ounce of anxiety at any point during training, I excused myself with no real reason and left. Sometimes I'd feel it before we even started drilling the first technique and other times I'd make it until it was time to roll. It always consisted of walking over to Cobrinha, telling him I had to go, being completely honest and leaving. "You have to go?," he says.  Since he knows I didn't have much on my agenda it's no wonder he questioned it. "Where are you going?," he'd ask. "I don't know" coupled with a blank stare would do the trick and he'd let me leave. Sometimes I think I wished he'd tell me that I needed to stay no matter what I was feeling. Even if it meant bursting out in tears on the mat because my eyes were attached to a time bomb and whether I made it to the bathroom in time didn't matter. I just wanted to cry.

Eventually I just stopped coming as often. I'd trade training for a day of sitting at home watching the olympics. Whatever I needed to do, I would do because it felt like some sort of healing process. If being excruciating lonely and pushing people away at all cost was any way of healing, I can't say. It might have worked and it might have buried myself deeper. Looking back on what I had when I was training for Worlds, when I placed second (although a devastating moment when I lost the finals), when I received my purple belt a week later and when I visited for an amazing trip in Maryland/DC/Virginia, that was the last of my routine life. Once I returned, I didn't have my conditioning at 9am 3 times a week. I didn't have my gi classes every night because we went back to nogi classes. I didn't have my teammates showing up early every day to train late with the shared focus and determination of accomplishing something great. I didn't have all the visitors to spend time with like Malfa, Tanner, Thomas Lisboa, Simone, Monique, Mario, Mayra, Gabi and others. Coming home after a great weekend left me not only lost but missing things. Missing what I thought I gained in DC and quickly realizing it wasn't long term. Missing what I had before I left in terms of training and a bond with my training partners. My plans of quickly getting a part time job to assist my plane ride back to DC a month after were slowly becoming less and less realistic. And my hopes in anything, really, were being crushed over and over again due to my crippling depression. There's a quote I found that reads: "That's how depression hits. One day you wake up and you're afraid you're gonna live."

Dealing with failures, with change, with loss. Those are all reasons to be sad. You know, the kind of sad where you cry a bit, eat some ice cream and continue on your way. Where you make some changes and get back on your feet. Due to my stupid brain, I couldn't get back up. I'd have days where I'd be progressive. I made some little pockets of money here and there. Built a couple websites. Ventured into internet marketing. Tried regaining a friendship. But they all were either shut down and/or merely refused to last.

I talk in past tense like this was a thing of the past. It's not. This is the first day that I'm going to bed feeling like I did a bunch of good stuff without trying. I just had a somewhat regular day with some good news sprinkled here and there, and I'm not hoping to go to sleep and never wake up.. I believe this is the turning point but I don't want to jinx it. I'm not making any major plans and I don't rush this transformation period. I can't leave it until I'm convinced I learned enough from it. That I'll improve my life and my mindset. But I want others to know that my intentions for revealing these issues are not for forgiveness or to be able to brush it off. These aren't excuses for my behavior but I can really only hope that the people I consider friends are lax about it. I am trying to get over this mega hump in my way and the only purpose of posting about it is to be sure I am documenting every part of my journey. I do intend to build my legacy no matter how many valleys and mountains I have to overcome. Or how many days I have to drag myself out of bed. It will all be worth it.