You can never relieve yourself of being a good person

I learned about a year and a half into my training that sometimes it's not your day and that some days its your turn to help someone else. This was before I had gotten really into competition. I was still a blue belt at Romulo's and being heavily influenced by someone that would eventually run my whole life. I guess this was the beginning of that control but looking back it was probably the most "human" thing he ever said to me. For reference, I usually had to tell HIM how to deal with people and when I taught him the word "apology" and the application, he turned it into a way to tell me what I don't do well.. like apologize and how good it feels to do so, how I need to do more of it to be considered a good person. Ironically, it's a lack of knowledge of how to be a good person that is lost on people in the community today. Or at least the sport aspect of the community.

Anyway, I see this every day. I help my teammates whenever I can. I give someone advice often, I let people vent, I guide people to follow what I do in terms of building a website and starting a blog. I tell people about Ritalin because I take it myself and because I've made that known, people come to me about it. I try to be as transparent as possible in order to never misguide people and share the knowledge that I know. For this, I never expect repayment in terms of reciprocating from the people that I help because I know I can't control what people do and how they will react. But expecting to be treated in a positive way and gain something from others is an expectation that I can't help but believe in because believing otherwise would make me a pessimistic grump in solitude.

And on the contrary, I cut people off on the road. I don't always get back to people who email me, I throw temper tantrums, I write posts on a magazine site because I get paid to do so (oh wait I did that for years before I actually got paid.)

There is a balance and a very delicate one at that. Everyone's balance is different and

EVERYONE HAS A LIMIT, IT JUST DIFFERENTIATES WHERE THAT LIMIT LAYS.

The amount of leeway we give someone to be selfish is directly dependent upon how much we value that person and our understanding of respect.

Respect isn't just "please" and "thank you." Anyone can say those words and get through life but real respect is taking the time to understand someone and allow them to be themselves. That's part of respect that I believe is most misunderstood.

Allowing someone to be angry is respect. If you take it personal and immediately scorn someone for being angry or upset in your presence instead of allowing them to have those emotions freely, it is a disrespect.

Giving someone the time of day is respect.

Furthermore, gold medals and winning aren't everything. It is everything in JIU-JITSU if you are a serious competitor but it is not worth more than everything in life and does not negate a level of disrespect that I see embellished, embodied and encouraged on the trek to the gold.

You are and will be held accountable for your actions outside of the realm you think you're entitled to act selfishly within and any morally wrong acts you take part in will be judged, not within that realm, but upon general moral standards. It doesn't take a jiu-jitsu black belt to know when someone is knowingly hurting others to benefit themselves in training. It doesn't take a college English professor to know that someone is infringing on copyrighted material and that it's wrong. When something is morally wrong inside or outside a situation, you are held accountable for those judgements and possible consequences that may unfold thereafter. And witnessing something you can possibly affect in terms of immorality in your immediate realms, it'd be a really good and right thing to take action.

It's crazy how such hyperfocus can make people think they are relieved of being a GOOD PERSON. Above all, you can never escape the "burden" of being a good person. Because sometimes, often, a hell-of-a-lot of the time it is a burden as it takes a lot out of us. It's simply easier to be an asshole.

And again, there's a blurred line and a delicate balance and an indefinite limit that surrounds the definition of a good person but we all have internal justice systems and knowing what is wrong and what is right isn't a hard task to follow. If you don't know, it's the responsibility of others to let you in on what makes the world go round.

I'm not asking to be superheros or perfect. I'm an asshole sometimes and I'm selfish sometimes but above all I understand the line between success and success at a huge cost, regardless of whether that cost is ever acknowledged. I can't forget that gold medals and lots of money and fame will provide me with fulfilled goals and a checklist of attained accomplishments because it drives me but stepping on others to do so won't get me far and it's a route that won't allow me to last long.

I don't know, maybe you shouldn't listen to me because maybe I'm just a 97%er.

I'm ready to talk.

I don't know why I haven't updated with everything that is going on. With so many changes, it'd be easier to write a novel per week rather than procrastinating but the overwhelming, sensitive and drastic changes have accumulated all too sudden.

Let's have a refresher.

My name is Erin Herle. That's pronounced "hurley" like the brand. I work for Graciemag. I cover events, interview, report, photograph, promote Jiu-Jitsu and do a lot of other things.

I'm a Cobrinha BJJ purple belt as of June 2012. My only accomplishments at this belt have been 2nd place at No-Gi Worlds but I have started my preparation for the 2013 season and intend to win Pan Ams and Worlds among various other tournaments.

I am an English - Creative Writing student at Cal State Northridge. Hoping to finally graduate next Spring but I'll keep ya updated on that journey.

I run this blog and I run my site, Pulling Guard Zine. As my focus moved towards a million other things, I started delegating the content-producing to others. Now I'm focused on building a great community of writers who will cover events going on in the art as well as teach my readers something great from fitness to motivation to competition tips to who knows what. It will be great and alive as ever.

I manage the email marketing for Inverted Gear. Great quality gis that have a cute cuddly panda as a logo/patch. Check them out if you haven't.

I support Inverted Gear, Fitnex, Healing Tyler, Fighter Tech and Wa Ma Da. All great brands/organizations/communities.

My Starbucks addiction is strong.

Now let's begin:

I got hired by Luca Atalla of Graciemag purely by my own hard work being noticed. I got a call from my professor, Cobrinha, with a message asking me to call him ASAP. When I called he said he had good and bad news and asked which I wanted first. I didn't hesitate to ask for the bad news first and he didn't hesitate to say, "of course you would say that," but quickly followed with a "but there is no bad news." The good news was that Luca had contacted him about me after seeing my zine online. He found me.

I gave permission for Luca to reach out, I went to an "interview" a couple days later and came out with a new title, outlook and opportunity. Luca and I talked for three hours about various things going on and what our positions were, ideas for the magazine and a history of ourselves. It didn't feel like an interview at all.

Knowing that my hard work has paid off thus far is amazing. I have people who contact me about starting BJJ blogs, building websites, learning email marketing, interviewing, and more. I did this myself, I got to where I am in this position without some major handholding or shoo-in or luck. I had no luck. I went through the worst times this past summer but found ways through the help of people around. Tom Callos found me and gave me an opportunity to make some money with my writing and has looked out for me since. I am grateful for his mentoring because, at the time, I was a mess. I worked briefly for BJJPix.com but that ended sourly and although I'm grateful for the opportunity, I'm glad that I am no longer associated. I did this myself. I wrote and wrote and networked and researched. I asked for help from those who know what they're doing. I went out in tournaments and borrowed a camera to take pictures (thanks Daniela) and ended up selling a picture for commercial use on my first attempt at covering a tournament.

It is a learning experience. I live my life by trial and error and although I have been sheltered enough to be able to what I do (my mother supporting my basic needs forever) and various other lending hands, I have worked hard to carve my path.

In December I took a trip to the east coast with no real expectations. I knew where I would vaguely be and set up some places to sleep but only had some guidelines as far as visiting Graciemag Association academies to create stories. I did that and more. I ended up staying with Gianni Grippo nearly the whole trip and fell in love........ with New Jersey and New York.

I ran a blog at erination.us but seized all posts once the Lloyd Irvin rape was made public. I couldn't stand to write as if I could ignore it. So I chose not to write at all.

I have yet to release anything regarding my stance on what has gone on but Luca and Lloyd have released theirs. I can tell you that I do not agree with them and my distastes made noted to some people off the record are not quite refined enough to be posted publicly.

I'm not waiting for the storm to settle or trying to "cover my ass" because I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have nothing to lose if I were to state everything I feel and how I believe we should go about dealing with the tragedy as a community. Let me form my thoughts better and I will release something all at once.

Upon my return from the 20-day trip, I decided that "field work" would be best suited for my skills. It's all within the works but my schedule will be as follows:

Feb 16-17- Claudio Franca All Star tournament in Santa Cruz, CA.
Feb 24- IBJJF San Francisco Open in San Francisco, CA
Mar 3- IBJJF Boston Open in Boston, MA
Mar 9-10- AZ International Jiu-Jitsu Open in Phoenix, AZ
Mar 15-16- Fight for Charity superfight and UFC 158 in Montreal, Canada
Mar 20-24- IBJJF Pan American Championships in Irvine, CA
Apr 20- IBJJF New York Open in New York, NY

These days I keep to myself more mostly due to being busy all the time. The worst feeling is making a commitment to someone and not being able to fulfill the promise. Any time you tell someone you will do something, be somewhere, talk soon, you're making a promise. People are valuable and after realizing I don't need to confide in just one person all the time, I've had a more stable life.

I think I'm growing up.

blabbing

It's the things that bring you to tears that are worth writing about. I haven't let anyone tell me different.
It's the things that make me stop everything I'm doing to get it all down because if I don't, it will never make sense to me. And perhaps it never does.

But by writing it down, passing it on to another, it will become clearer. It's always the first draft that you see here and only edited while it's being laid out through my fingertips. My weathered, sometimes quivering and sometimes aggressive fingertips. Aggressiveness due to urgency since the faster I get it down, the faster I can read it over and over to feel it again.

-------------------

There are so many positives to success that are worth mentioning. You know, the ones that no one ever acknowledges. The underlying emotions and motivators, not the material possessions. You must be able to tell the difference here and now. Family is a possession. Friends are possessions. Unfortunately, or fortunately if you look at it like me, these are disposable things. You can change them, dismiss them. Ignore them, even. That's what people do when they want to succeed. That's what jiu-jitsu champions do when they want to succeed. Maybe you don't notice it because it's the denial of relationships altogether that is at play. Having never built a relationship, one can't be distracted, or needed. Can't afford to be needed. Or maybe you don't notice it because it hasn't happened to you.

Finding something you want brings ultimate greed. You will never know what it feels like to succeed if you haven't wanted something so badly that you would be willing to give up everything for it. You will never know true happiness if you haven't suffered enough to get it. You will never know what defeat feels like if you haven't given everything in the process. You will never truly experience victory unless you've lost ten times before. It's the binary oppositions that make one thing make sense because it gains worth through what its not. And the more of one means it mirrors to the other. Without life there would never be death and without sun there would never be dark. It would just be one thing all the time, never needing a specific name and never having to hold meaning. The larger the gap between these two, the greater the two will be.

Live your life in extreme oppositions. I'm telling you right now. Be all-or-nothing and know your worth. I've seen the greatest human beings created from tragedy. I always thought I needed to rise up from tragedy in order to be considered weathered, tarnished and therefore worth more. But don't wait for lightening to strike you. Just do what you feel is extreme and be the farthest removed you can from what you are now.

And don't stop. Never stop. You begin with a boulder. A boulder that carries a lot of weight whether it's the physical pounds that are holding you down, the overbearing person in your life, the fear in your heart. You get it moving, you push it out of the way and it gets easier. Sometimes starting on your own will never happen. Surround yourself with people who can help you move your boulder whether they serve a literal purpose or just a purpose in the form of moral support. People who are onto the same goals will push boulders together and in turn, help keep the momentum going.

If you settle, you will need to push a boulder again. Sometimes you have rocks, an avalanche, a defeat. A financial setback, a natural disaster, a loss of someone or something. As long as you have your momentum, it won't be half has hard to deal because you are moving, you're walking, running, bolting through.

Make analogies and you'll see things clearer, I promise. Everything in life already exists, you just have to see it a certain way because it takes different forms. Don't let it fool you. The amount of experience you have can translate into any situation which only furthers your understanding, allowing you to prepare for the presence later in life.

My advice will only go so far and you will only trust so much of it, but that's your right. I surround myself with people who will help me to move my boulders, teach me new perspectives and most of all, keep me moving. As long as you remain aware, you'll notice what is holding you back from moving forward and you are entitled to remove it, get past it and leave it in your dust.

Or you can remain the same.



 

Backpacking the Beautiful East Coast

In 2009 I planned a trip to the east coast where I found random friends and acquaintances to let me sleep on their couch while bussing it to different cities. It was amazing experience that allowed me to see DC, New York, Philly, Baltimore and Boston. Since then I have visited the DC area a couple of times and have fallen in love. Mainly, 50/50 academy in Arlington is my favorite place however there are other areas I adore.

In an attempt to spend my winter break from school away from LA and somewhere I love, I planned to somehow get there. And then I figured I'd visit some other places as well since I've been way from some friends for a long time. Tie that in with the fact that there are some major BJJ academies that I must visit, and I've got a great trip filled with sleeping on couches, exploring with natives and going on megabus trips in between states. My only issue (besides scrounging up the money) is finding accommodations.

It's kind of hard to tell you the exact day I'd be there since it will depend on the price of tickets and whatnot but ideally I'd like to be there from the end of December to about Jan 17th/18th. Most likely starting in NY and then ending in DC.

Anyhow, I need some help along the way in the BJJ community to allow me to stay in certain areas and if you don't mind being a tour guide, that'd be great. I'll be writing plenty of pieces for GRACIEMAG.com (I got hired for them, I'll have to explain that in another post. I promise I will soon!)

So if you or someone you know wants to entertain me for a day or a few days along the east coast near a major academy, please let me know and I'd be grateful. I'll teach you weird feet hooks, how to crochet a beanie and tell you cool stories about anything you want. And I'll write about you too!

Thanks for the help, guys! Message me on facebook should you be able to help in my backpacking adventure!

What the heck are you doing with your life?

How many times have you stopped everything you're doing and asked yourself, "what am I doing with my life?" How many times? Have you ever? Only when you know things have gotten shitty? What about when things are going great? What about when you feel like you can't actually change much? And what about asking when you already asked yourself a week ago and the answer was fulfilling then? What if it's not anymore? Can that happen? Can you be satisfied one week and the next be completely lost? What about annoyed at yourself? Is that beating yourself up? Is it okay to beat yourself up into shape? What shape do you want to be? Do you want to be good at something? Why not great? Why not the best? What if you want to be the best at many things? What about just two? Isn't two okay? Isn't that manageable? Can you tell me it is?

What the fuck are you doing with your life, Erin?

I can't answer it today. I can't tell you. Maybe I could have told you yesterday but today, I can't. The past week, all I've been able to do is study for my future. I've been looking up job opportunities in another city. I've been looking into the type of journalism I want to be writing. I've been looking into the business cards I want to make to make sure I represent what I want to be. I've been looking up ways to write narratives the way I hope to be writing. I've been looking up reasons why writing is a good career and why it isn't. I've been looking into ways to publish a book. I've been looking at my bank statements. I've been looking into the credit cards I haven't paid off. I've been looking at the assignments I need to be doing in school and tests I need to be studying for. I've been looking into the articles I want to write but haven't been writing them. I've been looking into ways to stay productive, stay healthy, stay in the game. Where am I now, though?

This whole week I've felt more and more disconnected from my goals. I thought I was in it, and somehow I strayed. I thought I knew how to manage my roles but I haven't. Suddenly everything is overwhelming for no reason. It just happened. I've focused so much attention on my goals that my path has gotten slowly more and more unrecognizable. How do I get from here, to my goals?

I spent all day yesterday not doing anything. I pretended I had nothing to do. I hung out with my mom and we ran some errands and I was extremely tired because I didn't take my ritalin. I figured it was okay not to because I wasn't planning on using my brain but it ended up making me extremely hungry and extremely tired and irritable. I slept for 12 hours last night. And today I woke up knowing that I needed to do things and re-enter the world and even though I only spent yesterday as my MIA day, I feel like I've been unknowingly doing that for some time now.

I know it's okay to be gone, right? And it's okay to have setbacks, right? I'm not losing hope. I'm not forgetting my goals. I'm just a little mumbled.

The hard part about taking pharmaceuticals is that you never quite know where the issues are stemming from as you don't really know if it's the old you or the new you. It's a journey that I wasn't ready to embark on until recently. It's helped me accomplish so much but at what cost?

When will I start training again? Initially I was planning to train full time as soon as the school semester ended with the motivation of competing at Europeans. But I've come to the awful realization that I'm not making the money I intended to and I'd be the biggest asshole for taking the money I did make and putting it towards an expensive trip when I still haven't paid off the Europeans trip from 10 months ago, much less anything else on my list of debts. Here is mature Erin talking: I need to pay off my debt and stop living in a fantasy world where I put off all my responsibilities for the impulsive lifestyle.

What are you doing with your life?

I'm taking some classes, I'm writing some articles, I'm covering some events, I'm blogging, I'm not training, I'm eating whatever I want, I'm taking ritalin and gabapentin, I'm making little money, I'm competing at Nogi Worlds, I'm working towards a degree. That's it, I think.

I'm going to write a book.

What role am I today? Oh, all three!

I play many roles. We all do. Role theory has been around for centuries and it plays off the idea that we are constantly attending to social roles that we have either been given or we have assumed. These roles determine how we act and behave, how we are seen by others and how we portray ourselves. But how can we know each other so well when our roles are so conflicting? How can others get to know us as a whole if they only know a small amount of the roles we play? This is my issue and how I am dealing with it determines my success.

I believe that my main roles are that of student, jiu jitsu competitor and writer. Those are in no particular order not because I don't have priorities but because they all equally share my time. To be honest, I cannot be more than one of those roles at any given moment. And although I may write about jiu jitsu, and one may influence the other, I am either one or the other.

I struggle with the fact that each identity has me building relationships as one type of person while I may really want to get to know a person based on a different role. But at the time I am in their presence I am stuck. And my goals are specific to each role however the time, effort and heart that I place in each must all be sacrificed for the others.

As a student, I should set my priority as school first. After all, my mom is helping me out by paying for my schooling and any slacking off would surely be a form of disrespect. But my heart is not in my education. If you know me at all, my worth is not found in the form of a letter grade and a classroom is not where I learn my most important life lessons. This is not who I am. However, assuming the role of being a college student places a burden that I am expected to deal with. And not just deal with, but perform with. I've got this literally, heavy as shit backpack of books and laptop and notebooks and I have to maintain my composure. I have to keep going. Because taking off semesters has caused me to be here since 2007. I still have two more years to go if I want to complete my education. It is the completion that drives me to do this, not the degree itself. But it is my goal to complete it and once it is set, it must be accomplished.

The most confliction I have resides within the world of jiu jitsu. It is not common to be an active competitor with goals of being a world champion as well as being part of jiu jitsu press with goals of being the best writer of jiu jitsu. I want to capture the best moments and I want to experience them. Because they both take up so much time as well as interfere with each other, I am usually one or the other. You can always tell which side my focus  has claimed based on my personal appearance. Working out a lot? I'm probably training twice a day. Flabby? I'm probably writing a crapload and interviewing like crazy. Sometimes my brain is the one being exercised, not my muscle memory.

But how can I manage it all?

I am currently being put to the test. This past weekend I attended two major jiu jitsu events. But not to compete. Not to enjoy as a spectator. I was there to cover events-- to interview, to report, to make sense of it all and to give people the feeling that they were there, without using a camera. I was press for Metamoris and I was able to experience two press conferences. At the ADCC Trials I got to interview some big names. But I haven't trained in a week. And I didn't study for my midterm. I was writing and networking and recording and actively watching, trying to remember everything I could about the feeling of being there, the emotions that were displayed and the history that was made. My mind wasn't on my literary criticism and theory. So I drove home after the event Sunday night and I got home after 2 and a half hours of driving where I studied for an hour. Then I woke up early and I studied for more. My midterm was hell but I can only hope that I displayed enough knowledge as it exploded through my pen and onto the 7 pages I hurriedly scribbled down for 75 straight minutes. 

And did I mention I am signed up to compete at the Nogi Worlds in two weeks? Did I tell you that I haven't trained much at all and I am not in shape? But my heart is on the mat and that's where I left it when I placed second at the world championships in June. My heart will always be in jiu jitsu whether it's off the mat or on but my true love will forever be in the spotlight-- as a performer, as a doer, an applier, a protagonist. 

Setting an example is more than just talking about it. I want to apply my theories, my analysis and my knowledge. I gain so much from interviewing the greatest people in my sport. I gain awareness and I can only hope that I can apply it. 

Know me as a doer. Know me as a thinker. And most importantly, know me as a successful individual. I am building my legacy and I've chosen to do so through many routes but all will lead to a fulfilled, happy life full of rich, healthy and righteous rewards. I don't care about being famous, I don't care about making money, I care about making a difference. I care about inspiring. I care about setting standards, I care about establishing my place in history and leaving my mark on and off the mat. For those who have been helping me along the way I am forever grateful and intend to be as beneficial as you have been to me. And for those who don't care to add to my life in anyway, kindly step aside.

Thanks Mike Calimbas for the picture! Check out his photography at www.mikecalimbas.com

Writing is a living, I promise.

I'll try to finish writing this post before my next class. I'm sitting on the tile floor on the 3rd floor of J.R. Hall and my butt is going numb. But I don't really care because I am on a grind. I am working on my approach for a certain event I was given access to cover as press!!

The email came in yesterday and as soon as I read "Congratulations, Erin" and saw who it was from I jumped for joy. I ran down the hall to my mom's room, realized she wasn't there, ran to the other end of the hall skipping back to my room to call her. "I got approved for the Metamoris press pass!"I said as she immediately started raving about TJ Max.

After my first experience as press at the IBJJF American Nationals I took on a new role. And I felt I fit in. I was able to gain access through my zine and BJJPix.com whom I write for now and I had the credibility to wear the orange vest and go wherever I please. I'm still shy in the sense that I don't approach everyone I want to because I don't want to screw up their focus or keep them from doing what they're supposed to be doing but I'll get there. When I saw that Metamoris was going to be this huge event, I had to get a press pass. Then I realized that there was an application process that required a letter from the editor and readership numbers and many other things. Who was I kidding? Pulling Guard Zine will be big but it ain't yet. And I am the editor. And the web guy. And the writer. And the social media manager. And the CEO. And everything else! Plus the proof of exposure was hard to prove because, well, the numbers aren't big yet. So I had to look for another way to get the credibility.

I had a connection to an amazing guy who allowed me to submit a query to Black Belt Magazine. He knew the editor and sent in my request along with a personal note that vouched for me in a way that allowed me to see my worth. I feel grateful to someone notice that I am a driven individual with a lot of potential and charisma. Thanks, Tom! Anyway, the editor got back to us and didn't see the value in having me write about the event for their pblicatoin. However in the meantime, William Burkhardt of BJJPix.com whom I work with/for said he'd been approached. While he couldn't make it to the event personally, he was going to be sending a girl to shoot photos and guess who else? His local writer, of course.

While this isn't a world champion title or a new sponsorship, this is a big step in my newest journey. I am still narrowing down my skills and working towards being independently wealthy while enjoying my passions but this is a great help. I need to make sure that I cover this event in ways that overshadow the others. I want to reveal things that weren't seen by the "average" eye. It's not about getting the most exclusive interview or taking a picture with Nicolas Cage (which I will do if he is in fact in attendance as they said), it's about getting the story that will last a long time. Sure, it's a current event and it's got a timestamp but not when you write something that helps solidify something in history.

I'm not sure if you've realized but this is a historical event for our sport. Just wait until you start seeing more tournaments popping up with prize money and even more celebrity endorsements. More respect for the athletes and more entertainment for the crowd of non-gi whores, non-competitors, non-extreme enthusiasts. Yes, this can and will be enjoyed like the UFC one day.

I wonder if there will be walk out music?

Stay tuned for the updates, I've got big things comin' and this girl is going to be big. (especially if I keep eating Trader Joe's Pumpkin Ice Cream). After I get my homework done of course.