I don't have to get up in the morning

“Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter.” - Neil Gaiman

I have a habit of leaving many internet tabs open at a time. Call me a hoarder, but I feel like once I open up a link or website, I need to save it for later or perhaps refer back to it often. Sometimes I get to reading something new and there are links to other sites or other blog posts. I right click and I open them in a new tab. To tell you the truth, I may never even get back to that tab. I may never read it before one day I just need a fucking refresh-- a new start. I made that start just now. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced. My computer now decides to shut off randomly even when plugged in. But that isn't the problem. I can start it back up, open up my internet browser and behold! It asks me if I want to restore the tabs. Why yes, yes I do. And so that's not the issue that happened to me now. This time, while sitting at starbucks, my wifi somehow opted to hook up to some TWC cable whatchamacallit and all the sudden all of my tabs were redirecting to the sign in page. Gone.

So I restarted my browser and started from scratch. I may have 7 tabs open already in a span of 15 minutes but that's a lot better than the 27 I had before. It feels good. I didn't want it but I needed it. I'll try not to make it a habit and once I'm done updating this, I'll close it. Because I really don't need to refer to my blog that often. The page numbers don't change that much and the content is always the same. I know the URL by heart.

I haven't trained in a few days. My head is a mess and my heart is somewhere on the floor of my teammate's apartment whom I am dog/housesitting for, probably covered in dog hair and slobbered on. My brain is somewhere near it, or at least I hope. I feel things a lot more intensely than other people and I've struggled with it my whole life. I've fought people over it but in the end, I've accepted it. This is just one of those times. It's okay that I'm feeling everything right now because it will in turn help me to make the right decisions. Even if I don't feel that I had much control over them.

I don't know if anyone can relate but I've created a life for myself currently that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Everything is up in the air. This is true for everyone, I assure you. You can change anything you want at anytime. You can pick up and leave I promise. But will you? I will. I need a job and I need some goals. I've got a new belt and I've got a new set of challenges in terms of jiu jitsu competition. I've got new responsibilities and some new friends. Some new drama and some new vices. But it's still all up in the air. I haven't decided where I'm headed yet but once I do, I will let you know.

I'm sorry I'm so scatterbrained.

I'm sitting in Maryland right now. I've been here for a week and I leave tomorrow. The reason I'm here actually changed the day I competed at Worlds. And I didn't decide if I was going to still use the plane ticket until a couple days before departure. It's funny how things turn out.

I competed at Worlds and I don't think I ever posted here what my results were. I placed second. I accomplished a lot of things that day including overcoming my nerves, which weren't really an issue even at Pan Ams. I went in there confident, knowing that I have the experience, skill and talent to be the best on the mat that day. Unfortunately, I met a girl from Team Lloyd Irvin in the final and she ended up coming out on top, literally, with an advantage from the double guard pull and nothing else. I was defending my guard the whole time so even if it did boil down to ref's decision, she still would have won. Not me.

People probably think I'm crazy for posting so many personal things about my life on a public blog. But I really don't care. The day I competed I also got dumped. It came as a shock despite knowing I was in the worst type of relationship ever and it was never supported by anyone who cares for me. Either way, it was still hard to deal with. My ticket to DC was to go stay with my bf and do really awesome things like roadtrip and see Canada and Niagara Falls. It would have been great. Instead, I ended up coming to stay with my amazing friend, Kenny, 20 minutes away from the asshole that tried to ruin my trip in the first place. I'm so grateful my trip turned out this way instead of going as originally planned. It would have only dug my head deeper into my ass. If you know me in person, you know who that dude is and I don't want to talk about him because he doesn't deserve my time or yours. But know that he's not malicious, he doesn't have the intent to hurt people, he just doesn't care. There's a difference.

I'm about to head off to 50/50 to train with Kenny and Jen Flannery and Seph Smith and Gianni Grippo and of course, Ryan Hall. I can't even count how many times I laugh in their presence. The training is great and I think they've thanked me more for coming than I've thanked them. I gotta fix that.

Sign up for my zine, I've got great things coming. I really suck at audio interviews and I wanted to release my interview with the amazing Keenan Cornelius buttttt the quality sucks. So I'm trying to salvage it, I promise the content is worth waiting for, just be patient.

www.pullingguardzine.com or you can opt in to the right!

Next Chapter

I have no idea where to start with this post. Everything in my life has been exponentially better because of jiu jitsu. The role models that I have had, Romulo and Cobrinha, have both shaped me not only as a jiu jitsu athlete but as a person. I learned that I needed to push through whatever was in my way from Romulo-- that no one should ever be able to throw me off my path. I struggled so much with the decisions in my life, so much that I never really progressed. I just enjoyed making things worse for myself. Cobrinha has taught me that being positive in life is what matters most.
Everything is how you look at it. Cobrinha isn't a very forward guy and it takes a real long time to get him to open up but I feel that I'm getting there. I remember a conversation I had with him where we actually discussed my mentality. He wanted me to just think positively. I said that I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, things that plague my mind. Things that I never thought I could get past. He reiterated that it doesn't matter what someone tells me I have or how I am, I can always erase negative thoughts and make changes. Solve problems. He's always pushed me to solve my problems and I have. Since beginning my training at Cobrinha's I have finally trudged along my path of happiness. The hardest thing is deciding what you want in life. And I'm finally there. The amount of negative events that have happened have not derailed my confidence in myself and I have not lost sight of where I am going.

I know that my negativity has often plagued the mats at Cobrinha BJJ. I often never realized it but I know now that it only takes one negative image, thought, word, sentence, you name it, to shake up that balance. I want to say I'm sorry for being that person and being a disease that spread from outside of my own mind and onto the mats.

Today I was promoted to purple belt by Rubens "Cobrinha" Charles Maciel after 2 years and 10 months of training. Cobrinha made a speech stating that I not only have improved in jiu jitsu but in life. I haven't complained, I haven't been negative and I have worked hard at becoming a more positive person. It was so hard not to cry. I'm so lucky to have not only an instructor in jiu jitsu but a life coach, whether he signed on for the latter or not.

Thank you Cobrinha for making me solve my problems. I see things so much clearer now and without your influence, I would have never pushed myself to face my issues head on and deal with them in a mature manner. You have given me such clarity that I feel I can do anything now. We may not be homies, or bffs and I can't tell you everything about my life but it's because of this type of relationship that I've realized how obsolete those factors really are in my life. My training partners have been a pivotal role in my journey. I never had the support I have here. My female training partners are the best part of my training and without you girls, I wouldn't have the capacity to do what I do. I have a huge road ahead of me and this is still the beginning but getting here is a chapter that I can finally end. This past year was hell at times and glorious in others. Either way, I am a better person and I can only hope that my journey continues at a similar progressive pace.

Please sign up for my zine to the right of this post. Pulling Guard Zine is my baby and I will treat is as such. Now that I've moved it online, I can update with content constantly and give it the dedication it deserves as well as give you, the reader, the content you deserve. It would mean the world to me if you would follow my journey to building a legacy. Ossss.

My mom went to the dentist about an hour ago. Not long after she left I pressed the down arrow on her remote to which the whole input changed on the T.V. giving me a blue screen along with a floating grey box that reads "No Signal." Beautiful. First I went to the remote and suddenly buttons are reprogrammed and the ones I need to work, well.. aren't anymore. The cable box responds but the T.V. won't get off this frickin blue screen. Even after I reprogram the remote to the T.V., reboot the cable box, hard reset the T.V. and try to get the control buttons on the T.V. itself to help it reclaim its sanity. So far, no luck. Not only will my mom be stressed when she gets home as there's something new to deal with, I have lost the majority of my entertainment for the day-- unless I move to my sister's room where there is another cable box. Maybe you don't understand how much I am relying on these cable channels for my own sanity. The past few days my time has been spent purely indoors. The only time I left the house was to make a visit to the urgent care.

On Friday I thought it would be a great day to go to the beach given that the weather was really heating up and all of us training at Cobrinha's could use one mid-day retreat to relax in the sun. I wasn't sure of everyone else, but my hours of sun were quite limited due to training, work, driving and resting. I had planned the beach day a few days before and got a few heads to show interest. When I woke up, my left tonsil was sore but it wasn't really anything to worry about since I have problem tonsils that act up occasionally. I continued to drive to the academy to participate in conditioning, work on a friend's e-book after and then begin noon class. By the time we started drilling I had started feeling a bit icky but continued on. When it came time to roll I sat out for two rolls but not before I was called out by Cobrinha for resting. A week before the World Championships and I'm sitting out because I "don't feel well" wasn't really a great excuse. I felt the drive to get my ass in gear even though Cobrinha gave me the look of, "okay..sure...." but still let me sit. I wouldn't let myself sit. I ended up rolling the last couple rolls but after class I sat in the locker room dwindling down. While waiting endlessly for my turn to shower, I made was feeling more run down. It probably took nearly an hour just to get my turn to clean myself given that 5 women from Brazil are here for the Worlds. By the time Tove and I had gotten ready to set out for the beach, my number of volunteers diminished. I figured we'd set out on our own, determined to materialize our plans but as soon as I started driving I was increasingly more sick. By the time we made the decision to turn around, get some meds from CVS or Walgreens and rest at the place all the visitors were staying, three-day weekend traffic decided to make my life hell. It took about an hour and I was dying. I got to sleep when I got to the house but by 9pm I decided it was time to get my ass home. A 26 mile drive, I have nooooo idea how I made it home so sick.

So between Friday and now I've gained more swelling in my tonsils, more pus on my tonsils, more pain, more fever, more nausea then less fever, less nausea, less pain, less swelling and less pus. If you had asked me a couple days ago if I would be okay to compete Friday morning I would have told you that "I doubt it." I'm still weak and not pushing it but I will be there on the mat to push my best.

This story isn't so great and could have been cut down to a few sentences but it's important I map it out. I have spent almost three years preparing to compete in this tournament that could sum up my whole jiu jitsu experience. One weekend before and I'm feeling like death-- surely a way to derail my competition focus.

On another note, I fixed the T.V....

I never wanted to win at school. High school was the place that I settled for just getting by. I didn't have an excuse for not producing my best work and putting all of my energy into earning high grades. A grade of B was just fine for me because it didn't make anyone nag to me or disappoint my parents. When I see people who do well in school I feel like that could never have been me. I don't want that. It wasn't until now that I have the drive to be the best. I know what my head and heart feel when I have no intention of giving something my full attention and succeeding. That was everything in my past. Here and now, training for the World Championships I know the gold is mine. My opponents will have to want it more than me and literally break me if they want to see me fail. This is what I can excel in, this is where I can claim the best prize, recognition for my efforts and title. No magna cum laude, but rather the ability to say that I am a world champion. On a lighter note check out two companies I support who are supporting my endeavors. www.rolladaptwin.com and www.invertedgear.com Two new great companies, put together would be some raw pandas. Heyo!

I don't think I could have ever imagined being so at peace with life in the way that it is now. Back in my cubicle days, if you told me that I'd be training jiu jitsu full-time without school or work getting in the way, I would have been ecstatic but definitely reluctant to believe that something as cool as this would come true. When I worked at the academy I remember thinking that I would never want to be a full-time athlete. Really, that was the stress of the job talking. It was hard to separate the two, remember? I couldn't go on the mat feeling like I was there because I wanted to be. These days I am there solely because I want to win gold. I am there because I want to accomplish my life goals which are now to win worlds. My goal when I made this very temporary life change, was to win pan ams. I accomplished that goal.

I trained twice a day every week day, I did conditioning mon-wed-fri, trained once on Saturdays and came in to drill on Sundays. I hate having to leave my house at 7:30am just to sit in traffic for over an hour just to make sure I'm at conditioning on time, yet the feeling of missing conditioning any day is a worse feeling. When you're missing work or you're late, absentminded or just doing a shitty job you have the burden of someone else reprimanding you. With jiu jitsu there's no policy for missed days and there's no clocking in. That feeling I get, that antsy, dreadful regret I feel when I miss it, that's the feeling of letting myself down. That's the worst feeling. Worse than disappointing your parents. Yeah, rough. So I've got myself to keep me in line and it's an amazing feeling having the motivation to do so. If only I could do that with my writing...

The day of the 2012 Pan American Championships I was actually too relaxed. I had to drink some coffee and slap myself in the face in order to wake up. My first match was against a Gracie Barra girl. I got her in a triangle right away but I could not finish it. A very familiar situation. I swear I got better but this girl was too stubborn. I let go and attempted to sweep her over head but her knee landed on my face. I kept going but when we stopped to go back to the center I realized my nose was bleeding which wasn't a shock. The medic took forever to squeeze a tampon up my nose and the ref was rushing me to get on with it. When we started again, I swept to mount but didn't end up finishing her. My second match was against a girl I've been friends with through the jiu jitsu community. Not the type of friend that I tell my boy problems to but the type that I'm not afraid to chat with. This is because she was a middleweight. Recently she took up body building and dropped down to feather. We ended up playing a double guard pull game til she came up. I swept and she went for what looked like a knee bar and the ref called a DQ right away. I'm sure she wouldn't be going for one but the reffing has become more strict in that regard I guess so it was called. Shitty way to win. My third match was against a Lloyd Irvin girl. I walked behind her as we were led back to the mat from the bullpen and thought about how I refused to lose to a Lloyd Irvin team member. It was another double guard pull but I was able to make her come up. I swept her but she got me in a triangle. I held on for 4 minutes. Four minutes I was in another world. Cobrinha yelled instructions for me to make sure I could relieve the choke and hide my limbs. I sprawled, I shifted my weight, I held on to my arm for dear life and my eyes were closed the whole time. For the first time in my jiu jitsu career I showed that I had heart. I was put in a bad situation and I chose to not give up. When the match ended and I survived the submission attempt, I was up by two points and I celebrated as if it was the final. It was an amazing feeling. My semi-final match was another triangle failure. I was up on points and ended up winning but it didn't really feel all that great. The worst match of the day was still yet to come. After winning my 4th match I knew that I was in the finals with my teammate. I asked Cobrinha how it should be handled but he decided to let us work it out ourselves. Jennifer had 4 matches as well that day with 2 being submissions. In my head I felt like she had the better day. She beats me in the gym every day and has been training longer than me. It's hard to not compare myself to her. Compare in the sense that we're both blue belt feather weights. I know this is all in my head and no one actively says "look at how much better Jennifer is" but when her and I end up winning an equal amount of matches in the same division it's an odd way to feel. When I addressed the situation to her, she first asked what I wanted to do. I said "of course I want the gold." She felt the same, obviously. We both worked so hard to get to the top of the podium and now we both had each other in the way. She opted for rock, paper scissors but said only 1 not 2 out of 3. She won.

And so I got a silver medal at pan ams 2 years in a row. Sure, I "won" because I "closed out" my division but sharing the title is not as great as I expected it to feel. Which is why I've considered dropping weight for worlds. As far as I know there are no Alliance girls competing at light feather and so I could have my own division, my own accomplishment and my own world champion title. No sharing involved. I don't know if I'll make that decision or not, it's something I really have to figure out soon, though.

I have big things coming. I have myself right where I want to be. In regards to the future, I have no clue. I had to set a dentist appointment today for 6 months from now. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to be. I told her whatever she wanted was fine but I have a feeling it will need to be changed. I don't know what job I'll have, what my training will be like, if I'll be in school or not. I don't care. I don't care that I have no idea what I will be doing after worlds because all I care about now is jiu jitsu. I did, however, change my major to creative writing and I understand that it will take me at least 2 more years to complete my degree but I'm okay with that. As long as I accomplish a degree in what I love, it won't matter how long it takes me. As long as I am living in a way that is in tune with my happiness.

Expect a Buchecha interview on Budovideos, perhaps some new blogging elsewhere and a great great article that may spark some controversy given that the first draft was completely shunned by the subject. Whether it's up his impossible standards or not, an article will be written. Stayyyyyy tuned.

I have all I need

Training is long. This is the last week before Pan Ams. You sit back when you feel you have enough time to eat crap, skip training sessions, sleep in, and mentally rest before the preparation until you feel it. It's too late. You should have found the motivation a month ago but you were too content chillin' until that point where you need to train hard. "I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I indulge in this amazing donut." Except that panic you get when you realize it's two weeks away and that's not much time to change anything in your plans. It's a weird feeling but can be prevented if you force yourself to start even when you think it's too early. That donut can wait til after you've won all your matches.

There's a band called Gorilla Biscuits. It's one of those old hardcore bands that you have to claim to know if you want to be presumed as a real hardcore enthusiast. I faked that. I bought the CD and listened to it for a week but couldn't listen to it long enough to mark it down on my list of things to talk about when justifying my credibility in the scene. I'm pretty sure I just went back to listening to The Starting Line or something as equally as stereotypical of a 15 year old girl. The song I do remember, however, is "Start Today." It's weird that whenever I think of those words I think about that song. And whenever I have a thought in my head to either make a change in my life or try something new, I think of those words. I'd totally get it tattooed on my wrists but I didn't gain the credibility.

I think I started training for Pan Ams when I should have. When I could have. If I didn't have the trials to push me into this high gear then I never would have survived thus far. My life is only jiu jitsu. I don't see my mom and I don't watch Grey's Anatomy with her every Thursday night when I would normally skip out on class since it's usually no-gi. She even went to the market without me on Saturday when that's been our ritual ever since I can remember. I don't think of much else. I know a guy who twitches in his sleep quite often. Reluctantly to say, I'll go ahead and reveal that I know 2 guys who twitch in their sleep. Because they're dreaming of jiu jitsu. I thought it was really weird and I'd heard of people hip escaping in their beds to roll over which a lot of us do but having jiu jitsu cause you to twitch is weird-- until I started doing it. Sometimes it jerks me awake. When I dream I think about passing because it's been my focus. And sometimes you've gotta be explosive so I guess it makes sense.

The one thing I dislike about all this training is the loneliness. There is no real cure and in fact the temporary fixes are often detrimental and even hazardous. I rely on my teammates to keep me sane with their jokes and the lunches we have in between training sessions but when they leave and I'm left at the academy I feel like a puppy at a pound. I'm truly grateful for the people in my life. I went through a phase of not liking my teammates. I didn't feel a connection but since San Diego it's there. And if they read this, I'd like them to know how much I appreciate everything. The hugs when I need them, the jokes, the teasing, the sarcasm and the motivation to push past the mental blocks during rolling. Without you guys I'd be miserable and I never would be here where I am now.

Furthermore, this academy is my home. I am here more than I am at my house and I feel that I can do no wrong. When I leave I get into trouble whether its spending money or wasting time but when I'm here all of my choices are warranted. I am kept in line. When I worked here it felt more like a prison. People would come visit the academy and when everyone got to hang out together at the Grove, I'd be behind the desk. Although I'm not working or making money right now, it feels like I shouldn't be anywhere else. I thought I knew where I was going but once I made the choice to stay here in the gym it felt so comforting.

I have all I need.