Wanting to write but not knowing exactly what to write is a haunting feeling. I want to talk about so much but I'm learning to keep things to my self at the same time. Not doing well with that. I want to tell you that the last 2 months of my life have been utterly depressing. Not the adjective, the disease. I want to tell you that I've been through so many things in just a matter of weeks that involve love, devastating loss, jealousy, failure, despair, fear and hope. But I can't tell you those things because they belong to me or something.

I believe things have come full circle. That I needed to go through these things in order for other opportunities to arise. Back in July I went to a tournament that boasted to have 7 other purple belts participating in a gi superfight. I signed on after much consideration after realizing that this whole fight everyone win or lose strategy would be a great way to test my skills against the purple belt division. Once I arrived, I realized it wasn't in a venue like the last competition they held, but in their warehouse gym with no A/C. I looked around and realized there were only three other girls. In actuality, I wasn't feeling too good and the heat was nauseating so I wasn't pissed about only having three fights. Finally when it came our time to go, I had my first match with a heavyweight. I managed to fend her off and get a sweep into mount earning me the win. Right after that, I went against a girl I had fought twice before. I pulled guard, swept, ended up in closed guard, got swept and she landed in mount where I defended an americana for the rest of the match. The third match was against a really strong tough girl. She passed my guard but instead of going into mount, which would have been less painful for me, she decided to go to knee on belly. Twenty times. I'd hip out and push her knee off, then she'd take the other one and slam it down into my solar plexus. This lasted for about 5 minutes. Glorious. The following week it hurt to walk I was so sore and I had a scab under my chin from the gnarly shoulder pressure I received. It was a horrifying day.

My training suffered thereafter despite my will to get better. With such a crippling experience in my first purple belt matches, I knew I had to get back into training hard. Too bad I was letting every little thing get in the way of that. I have little money because I haven't been able to get a job since I dropped out of life for Pan Ams and Worlds training. I've never had too much of an issue getting an admin position through craigslist but these days my resume seems to be diminishing into thin air. The drive to the academy takes up $50 bucks a week in gas if I'm driving every day. Knowing I had a small stipend to live off of for who knows how long prevented me from driving to the academy as much as I was before. If people flaked for conditioning I freaked and left thinking I'd be spending my time better elsewhere, like on my zine or my venture site into internet marketing. When I intended to drill but didn't make the plans beforehand or grew the balls to butt into someone else's session, I sat on the couch instead so I could be bitter about lacking the ability to drill. When I felt any ounce of anxiety at any point during training, I excused myself with no real reason and left. Sometimes I'd feel it before we even started drilling the first technique and other times I'd make it until it was time to roll. It always consisted of walking over to Cobrinha, telling him I had to go, being completely honest and leaving. "You have to go?," he says.  Since he knows I didn't have much on my agenda it's no wonder he questioned it. "Where are you going?," he'd ask. "I don't know" coupled with a blank stare would do the trick and he'd let me leave. Sometimes I think I wished he'd tell me that I needed to stay no matter what I was feeling. Even if it meant bursting out in tears on the mat because my eyes were attached to a time bomb and whether I made it to the bathroom in time didn't matter. I just wanted to cry.

Eventually I just stopped coming as often. I'd trade training for a day of sitting at home watching the olympics. Whatever I needed to do, I would do because it felt like some sort of healing process. If being excruciating lonely and pushing people away at all cost was any way of healing, I can't say. It might have worked and it might have buried myself deeper. Looking back on what I had when I was training for Worlds, when I placed second (although a devastating moment when I lost the finals), when I received my purple belt a week later and when I visited for an amazing trip in Maryland/DC/Virginia, that was the last of my routine life. Once I returned, I didn't have my conditioning at 9am 3 times a week. I didn't have my gi classes every night because we went back to nogi classes. I didn't have my teammates showing up early every day to train late with the shared focus and determination of accomplishing something great. I didn't have all the visitors to spend time with like Malfa, Tanner, Thomas Lisboa, Simone, Monique, Mario, Mayra, Gabi and others. Coming home after a great weekend left me not only lost but missing things. Missing what I thought I gained in DC and quickly realizing it wasn't long term. Missing what I had before I left in terms of training and a bond with my training partners. My plans of quickly getting a part time job to assist my plane ride back to DC a month after were slowly becoming less and less realistic. And my hopes in anything, really, were being crushed over and over again due to my crippling depression. There's a quote I found that reads: "That's how depression hits. One day you wake up and you're afraid you're gonna live."

Dealing with failures, with change, with loss. Those are all reasons to be sad. You know, the kind of sad where you cry a bit, eat some ice cream and continue on your way. Where you make some changes and get back on your feet. Due to my stupid brain, I couldn't get back up. I'd have days where I'd be progressive. I made some little pockets of money here and there. Built a couple websites. Ventured into internet marketing. Tried regaining a friendship. But they all were either shut down and/or merely refused to last.

I talk in past tense like this was a thing of the past. It's not. This is the first day that I'm going to bed feeling like I did a bunch of good stuff without trying. I just had a somewhat regular day with some good news sprinkled here and there, and I'm not hoping to go to sleep and never wake up.. I believe this is the turning point but I don't want to jinx it. I'm not making any major plans and I don't rush this transformation period. I can't leave it until I'm convinced I learned enough from it. That I'll improve my life and my mindset. But I want others to know that my intentions for revealing these issues are not for forgiveness or to be able to brush it off. These aren't excuses for my behavior but I can really only hope that the people I consider friends are lax about it. I am trying to get over this mega hump in my way and the only purpose of posting about it is to be sure I am documenting every part of my journey. I do intend to build my legacy no matter how many valleys and mountains I have to overcome. Or how many days I have to drag myself out of bed. It will all be worth it.

3rd year

The person pictured in the photo above is someone I don't even know anymore. Three years ago today I tried my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class. I came home with a bruise and complained about it on facebook. At the time I had acrylic nails, chubby baby fat and I was just getting rid of my acne. I walked into that gym hoping to find something to brag about to my friends. What I ended up getting was a lifestyle change that has made me into a driven individual today. And those friends I wanted to impress have dropped off completely.

Three years ago the most drive I had was the antsy pantsy adrenaline rush when I was waiting for a text from a guy I liked. In reality, it only drove me to pursue guys who were scumbags. While I was working and I was in school full-time, my major wasn't anywhere near what it has changed to now and my money was vanishing in thin air via gas and eating out. At the time I had a gym membership but never went once the entire 6 months I was signed up. Not once because I was afraid to be gawked at our looked at funny or most importantly, judged. The most accomplished moment of my life was graduating high school. Below that might have been completing an endurance horse ride or competing in a music festival in New Orleans, both at the age of 13. High school was a bore and uneventful and I never developed into a skilled athlete, artist, scholar, musician or any kind of trade. I hadn't chosen a lifestyle and I wasn't sure who I was. 

In 2009 that all changed. I remember when Brian, the muay thai coach who noticed everything like a new haircut, told me one day that he noticed I had lost weight in my face. Then I noticed that when I wore a tube top, the fat near my armpits didn't bulge at all. (Big news for a girl!) And so the physical changes were obviously the more noticeable changes I saw. Once I started competing I turned into an athlete. Competing has given me the most intense experiences of my life. I have grown tremendously from them.

When I won two tournaments in a row to earn my blue belt, I felt more accomplished than any other time. Receiving my belt on the podium felt like the Olympics to me. My work was being acknowledged in public and in great fashion. When I lost at the 2011 Las Vegas Trials, in that very same venue, I left that weekend thinking I was never going to win anything major. I had gotten 3 bronze medals in 3 different divisions. Not to mention, my mentor was crushed for his own reasons and it was a disheartening weekend. But I still went to the San Diego Trials a month later. I didn't give up and I placed second in the open division at blue belt after less than 1.5 years of training, narrowly missing the trip to Abu Dhabi. I learned. And I didn't give up.

When I lost a devastating and embarrassing match at the 2012 Europeans, I was crushed. I returned to home with my head down and not wanting to talk to anyone. After the 2012 San Diego Trials ended with a first match loss again, I made the necessary changes to manage a life of full time training even if only temporary. The person I was three years ago would never understand the mentality I have today. Hell, we wouldn't even be friends.

The sacrifices I've made in the past three years have been more than worth it. The losses I've endured and the accomplishments I have gained are the most internally life-changing moments that will be the foundation of my future jiu jitsu journey. The drive I have today pushes me to aim for World Championship titles, for success in everything that I do and to pass limits that I previously set for myself. My eyes are open but targeted towards what I want in whatever way I can get it and past any obstacles that occur.

Tomorrow starts the fourth year and I hope to be making this type of post in a year with many in between. Thanks for reading thus far (and if this is the first post, that's cool too.)

P.S. Here is my first ju jitsu match ever in 2009 after 3 months of training. In the white gi.

I don't have to get up in the morning

“Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter.” - Neil Gaiman

I have a habit of leaving many internet tabs open at a time. Call me a hoarder, but I feel like once I open up a link or website, I need to save it for later or perhaps refer back to it often. Sometimes I get to reading something new and there are links to other sites or other blog posts. I right click and I open them in a new tab. To tell you the truth, I may never even get back to that tab. I may never read it before one day I just need a fucking refresh-- a new start. I made that start just now. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced. My computer now decides to shut off randomly even when plugged in. But that isn't the problem. I can start it back up, open up my internet browser and behold! It asks me if I want to restore the tabs. Why yes, yes I do. And so that's not the issue that happened to me now. This time, while sitting at starbucks, my wifi somehow opted to hook up to some TWC cable whatchamacallit and all the sudden all of my tabs were redirecting to the sign in page. Gone.

So I restarted my browser and started from scratch. I may have 7 tabs open already in a span of 15 minutes but that's a lot better than the 27 I had before. It feels good. I didn't want it but I needed it. I'll try not to make it a habit and once I'm done updating this, I'll close it. Because I really don't need to refer to my blog that often. The page numbers don't change that much and the content is always the same. I know the URL by heart.

I haven't trained in a few days. My head is a mess and my heart is somewhere on the floor of my teammate's apartment whom I am dog/housesitting for, probably covered in dog hair and slobbered on. My brain is somewhere near it, or at least I hope. I feel things a lot more intensely than other people and I've struggled with it my whole life. I've fought people over it but in the end, I've accepted it. This is just one of those times. It's okay that I'm feeling everything right now because it will in turn help me to make the right decisions. Even if I don't feel that I had much control over them.

I don't know if anyone can relate but I've created a life for myself currently that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Everything is up in the air. This is true for everyone, I assure you. You can change anything you want at anytime. You can pick up and leave I promise. But will you? I will. I need a job and I need some goals. I've got a new belt and I've got a new set of challenges in terms of jiu jitsu competition. I've got new responsibilities and some new friends. Some new drama and some new vices. But it's still all up in the air. I haven't decided where I'm headed yet but once I do, I will let you know.

I'm sorry I'm so scatterbrained.

I'm sitting in Maryland right now. I've been here for a week and I leave tomorrow. The reason I'm here actually changed the day I competed at Worlds. And I didn't decide if I was going to still use the plane ticket until a couple days before departure. It's funny how things turn out.

I competed at Worlds and I don't think I ever posted here what my results were. I placed second. I accomplished a lot of things that day including overcoming my nerves, which weren't really an issue even at Pan Ams. I went in there confident, knowing that I have the experience, skill and talent to be the best on the mat that day. Unfortunately, I met a girl from Team Lloyd Irvin in the final and she ended up coming out on top, literally, with an advantage from the double guard pull and nothing else. I was defending my guard the whole time so even if it did boil down to ref's decision, she still would have won. Not me.

People probably think I'm crazy for posting so many personal things about my life on a public blog. But I really don't care. The day I competed I also got dumped. It came as a shock despite knowing I was in the worst type of relationship ever and it was never supported by anyone who cares for me. Either way, it was still hard to deal with. My ticket to DC was to go stay with my bf and do really awesome things like roadtrip and see Canada and Niagara Falls. It would have been great. Instead, I ended up coming to stay with my amazing friend, Kenny, 20 minutes away from the asshole that tried to ruin my trip in the first place. I'm so grateful my trip turned out this way instead of going as originally planned. It would have only dug my head deeper into my ass. If you know me in person, you know who that dude is and I don't want to talk about him because he doesn't deserve my time or yours. But know that he's not malicious, he doesn't have the intent to hurt people, he just doesn't care. There's a difference.

I'm about to head off to 50/50 to train with Kenny and Jen Flannery and Seph Smith and Gianni Grippo and of course, Ryan Hall. I can't even count how many times I laugh in their presence. The training is great and I think they've thanked me more for coming than I've thanked them. I gotta fix that.

Sign up for my zine, I've got great things coming. I really suck at audio interviews and I wanted to release my interview with the amazing Keenan Cornelius buttttt the quality sucks. So I'm trying to salvage it, I promise the content is worth waiting for, just be patient.

www.pullingguardzine.com or you can opt in to the right!

Next Chapter

I have no idea where to start with this post. Everything in my life has been exponentially better because of jiu jitsu. The role models that I have had, Romulo and Cobrinha, have both shaped me not only as a jiu jitsu athlete but as a person. I learned that I needed to push through whatever was in my way from Romulo-- that no one should ever be able to throw me off my path. I struggled so much with the decisions in my life, so much that I never really progressed. I just enjoyed making things worse for myself. Cobrinha has taught me that being positive in life is what matters most.
Everything is how you look at it. Cobrinha isn't a very forward guy and it takes a real long time to get him to open up but I feel that I'm getting there. I remember a conversation I had with him where we actually discussed my mentality. He wanted me to just think positively. I said that I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, things that plague my mind. Things that I never thought I could get past. He reiterated that it doesn't matter what someone tells me I have or how I am, I can always erase negative thoughts and make changes. Solve problems. He's always pushed me to solve my problems and I have. Since beginning my training at Cobrinha's I have finally trudged along my path of happiness. The hardest thing is deciding what you want in life. And I'm finally there. The amount of negative events that have happened have not derailed my confidence in myself and I have not lost sight of where I am going.

I know that my negativity has often plagued the mats at Cobrinha BJJ. I often never realized it but I know now that it only takes one negative image, thought, word, sentence, you name it, to shake up that balance. I want to say I'm sorry for being that person and being a disease that spread from outside of my own mind and onto the mats.

Today I was promoted to purple belt by Rubens "Cobrinha" Charles Maciel after 2 years and 10 months of training. Cobrinha made a speech stating that I not only have improved in jiu jitsu but in life. I haven't complained, I haven't been negative and I have worked hard at becoming a more positive person. It was so hard not to cry. I'm so lucky to have not only an instructor in jiu jitsu but a life coach, whether he signed on for the latter or not.

Thank you Cobrinha for making me solve my problems. I see things so much clearer now and without your influence, I would have never pushed myself to face my issues head on and deal with them in a mature manner. You have given me such clarity that I feel I can do anything now. We may not be homies, or bffs and I can't tell you everything about my life but it's because of this type of relationship that I've realized how obsolete those factors really are in my life. My training partners have been a pivotal role in my journey. I never had the support I have here. My female training partners are the best part of my training and without you girls, I wouldn't have the capacity to do what I do. I have a huge road ahead of me and this is still the beginning but getting here is a chapter that I can finally end. This past year was hell at times and glorious in others. Either way, I am a better person and I can only hope that my journey continues at a similar progressive pace.

Please sign up for my zine to the right of this post. Pulling Guard Zine is my baby and I will treat is as such. Now that I've moved it online, I can update with content constantly and give it the dedication it deserves as well as give you, the reader, the content you deserve. It would mean the world to me if you would follow my journey to building a legacy. Ossss.

My mom went to the dentist about an hour ago. Not long after she left I pressed the down arrow on her remote to which the whole input changed on the T.V. giving me a blue screen along with a floating grey box that reads "No Signal." Beautiful. First I went to the remote and suddenly buttons are reprogrammed and the ones I need to work, well.. aren't anymore. The cable box responds but the T.V. won't get off this frickin blue screen. Even after I reprogram the remote to the T.V., reboot the cable box, hard reset the T.V. and try to get the control buttons on the T.V. itself to help it reclaim its sanity. So far, no luck. Not only will my mom be stressed when she gets home as there's something new to deal with, I have lost the majority of my entertainment for the day-- unless I move to my sister's room where there is another cable box. Maybe you don't understand how much I am relying on these cable channels for my own sanity. The past few days my time has been spent purely indoors. The only time I left the house was to make a visit to the urgent care.

On Friday I thought it would be a great day to go to the beach given that the weather was really heating up and all of us training at Cobrinha's could use one mid-day retreat to relax in the sun. I wasn't sure of everyone else, but my hours of sun were quite limited due to training, work, driving and resting. I had planned the beach day a few days before and got a few heads to show interest. When I woke up, my left tonsil was sore but it wasn't really anything to worry about since I have problem tonsils that act up occasionally. I continued to drive to the academy to participate in conditioning, work on a friend's e-book after and then begin noon class. By the time we started drilling I had started feeling a bit icky but continued on. When it came time to roll I sat out for two rolls but not before I was called out by Cobrinha for resting. A week before the World Championships and I'm sitting out because I "don't feel well" wasn't really a great excuse. I felt the drive to get my ass in gear even though Cobrinha gave me the look of, "okay..sure...." but still let me sit. I wouldn't let myself sit. I ended up rolling the last couple rolls but after class I sat in the locker room dwindling down. While waiting endlessly for my turn to shower, I made was feeling more run down. It probably took nearly an hour just to get my turn to clean myself given that 5 women from Brazil are here for the Worlds. By the time Tove and I had gotten ready to set out for the beach, my number of volunteers diminished. I figured we'd set out on our own, determined to materialize our plans but as soon as I started driving I was increasingly more sick. By the time we made the decision to turn around, get some meds from CVS or Walgreens and rest at the place all the visitors were staying, three-day weekend traffic decided to make my life hell. It took about an hour and I was dying. I got to sleep when I got to the house but by 9pm I decided it was time to get my ass home. A 26 mile drive, I have nooooo idea how I made it home so sick.

So between Friday and now I've gained more swelling in my tonsils, more pus on my tonsils, more pain, more fever, more nausea then less fever, less nausea, less pain, less swelling and less pus. If you had asked me a couple days ago if I would be okay to compete Friday morning I would have told you that "I doubt it." I'm still weak and not pushing it but I will be there on the mat to push my best.

This story isn't so great and could have been cut down to a few sentences but it's important I map it out. I have spent almost three years preparing to compete in this tournament that could sum up my whole jiu jitsu experience. One weekend before and I'm feeling like death-- surely a way to derail my competition focus.

On another note, I fixed the T.V....

I never wanted to win at school. High school was the place that I settled for just getting by. I didn't have an excuse for not producing my best work and putting all of my energy into earning high grades. A grade of B was just fine for me because it didn't make anyone nag to me or disappoint my parents. When I see people who do well in school I feel like that could never have been me. I don't want that. It wasn't until now that I have the drive to be the best. I know what my head and heart feel when I have no intention of giving something my full attention and succeeding. That was everything in my past. Here and now, training for the World Championships I know the gold is mine. My opponents will have to want it more than me and literally break me if they want to see me fail. This is what I can excel in, this is where I can claim the best prize, recognition for my efforts and title. No magna cum laude, but rather the ability to say that I am a world champion. On a lighter note check out two companies I support who are supporting my endeavors. www.rolladaptwin.com and www.invertedgear.com Two new great companies, put together would be some raw pandas. Heyo!