Equality in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

I want to shed light on a topic that is easily over-looked or stuffed under the rug. Not swept, stuffed. Shoved. Crammed. There is a gender inequality that exists in jiu jitsu and for whatever reason, it's acceptable and sometimes dismissed. It is often over-looked because of various reasons I've stated below. I want to bring an awareness not to the tip of the iceberg but rather the very foundation of why it exists. This can be applied to many different aspects of life but with jiu jitsu still considered a culture, and a "small world," we can work to change it now.

The existence of girls training jiu jitsu has brought on so many different opinions and issues that it's like beating a dead horse. Most think of it as a situation that won't change anytime soon but I beg to differ. There are so many inner problems at work here and because of this, the progression of females in the sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is at stake.

There are three reasons that patriarchy (yes, that is what is in play here) exists and is maintained:
1) It is routine and taken advantage of. The roles of women in general are that of an essentialist view in which they are considered innately maternal, motherly, sensitive, nurturing, weak and submissive. While there have been some changes in the last two examples, it is still an ingrained image we have of females. On the contrary, men are strong, dominant, in control and fearless. For this, jiu jitsu is the perfect outlet for those characters who are playing the role of dominance, control and in the case of mma, violence. By men participating in jiu jitsu they are simply performing their role. When women train jiu jitsu, we are going against the very ideals of our suggested roles. And since our roles help determine our sense of self, it's hard to place ourselves in the world of jiu jitsu where we are challenged and outside of our comfort zone. We put ourselves in a place where others see we don't belong. There are reasons that women aren't as accepted on the mat but we can't always express why and so because it is such a routine idea with a messed up gender message, no one wants to stir up controversy by admitting it exists.

To further this example, as my professor made note of, Pepe' Le Pew is a sex offender. I bet you never thought of him as that BUT anyone who did would be considered uptight and not able to take jokes or make light of anything.

2) Force. Given that one would speak up about the issue of women not gaining the same respect in jiu jitsu, there'd be a ton of flack caught for it . So because someone fears being victimized as a result of their opposing position, they choose not to speak up or demand change.

3) Ideology. Another reason there is no change is because the idea that it is "the way that it's supposed to be." Let's not make note of the issue, speak up about it, challenge it, or try to challenge it because that's just how it is.

My purpose of talking about this is because although there are less serious issues such as getting blamed for looking like a girl when we step into the gym as if we're attempting to be a distraction, there are more serious instances like the fact that there are very little sponsorships available for the dedicated, competitive, successful women in the sport. While the major companies are supporting the few world champions, there is little to no exposure for the women making their way up the ranks. Currently there is a consistent amount of media surrounding the "young guns" for males whether they're juveniles or blue belts to brown belts. The women, regardless of being the teammates of those guys who have helped them prepare for their wins, or have competed in more tournaments than most guys, have little recognition.

No company wants to be the one that markets to the girls. No company has faith in the existence of girls in the sport and to some extent, there are people who refuse to accept them into the higher ranks at all.

This system and way of thinking needs to change. There are plenty of females in the sport who must be taken seriously. Regardless of the notions that girls get into training for the sake of meeting a mate, we can't shun all of them or exclude them especially those that compete and train consistently.

My hope is that we can gain some more notoriety in the community, gather more faith in us that we are truly in it for the right reasons, that we are not a nuisance and that we become seen as equal with the same amount of respect and opportunities that are given to the boys.

This is not a cry for myself to be recognized or a complaint because I can't get support when I need it. It is a cry for all the inspiring, tough women who put in the hours, blood, sweat, and I'm sure many tears, who deserve to be accepted and revered. It is a push for you to challenge what exists. If you can accept that it's an issue then congratulations. If you can help support the women and aid in the advancement of our sport in this area, then hats off to you and thanks.

As always, a lot has changed. It’s hard to maintain this blog when things aren’t going as well as I’d like. I always feel as though I am in the middle of change and that I need to solve the issues at hand before reporting them or putting them into concrete words like on this blog. I guess I’ve been undergoing a lot of transformations that question the very name of this blog. It’s crazy that I still am not sure of what my legacy will be or why I will be a legacy or what will be remembered of me.

This is what I know about me right now. I am a college student. As much as I hate to say that as if it’s the main priority (because it should be,) it describes me the best. To say I am a college student implies that I am in the works of my later life. As if I’m allowed to be lost, confused and naively excited or depressed about my future. Yup, COLLEGE STUDENT, that’s me. Before I reenrolled this semester, I didn’t have that excuse. But hey, now I’m good. I am currently employed by my jiu jitsu professor. I was laid off late September. It was a shock and it wasn’t. I was ready to leave. Hell, I was ready to run from that place. I was rotting fast. And so one day I was called into a meeting begrudgingly and saw that it was packed with various people from other departments. This wasn’t abnormal considering we often had “sales training” where companies that we sell come in to babble about their products so we sell them more over others. I went to those because I had to but only came out of them with some free food or new pens/hilighters. This one time I got a whole chocolate bar from Ecuador. So we’re all packed in this conference room, the same room I spent my first three weeks at the company learning the programs I’d later despise. Three weeks of training for that job. The vice President looks sad. The human resources manager who I disliked goes ahead and flat out says, “We’re restructuring the company and unfortunately your positions are no longer needed.” Suddenly I was tearing up. I examined every single person’s face. They were all blank. They didn’t look shocked or stunned or upset or angry or worried. They just sat there. For some reason I get really sad when others suffer. Regardless of the fact that these people, who have worked here for decades, didn’t look very upset, I know that they were at that moment, losing their whole life. Here I am, the youngest person at the company now working part time, ready to move on anyway, balling up in tears for these people I despised. I hated them for being so satisfied with this job. It was their everything. Besides a family for some, these people woke up every day to come to this boring, restraining office full of cubicles and weird people talking about their kids all day. This was their excitement and driving force and it was gone. I left barely able to stop myself from crying and then I went to train.

The following days I was at the academy every day all day. Given that I live 26 miles from the academy, it didn’t make sense to leave and come back for the night classes so I lingered and made it home. Soon I was approached by Cobrinha and his wife with a proposal for a job at the academy. Funny how things fall into place. I knew the lay off was a blessing in disguise, I just didn’t know how yet. Here it is.

I’m currently on a plane home from Atlanta. I need a nice vacation away to see my favorite person. While I was there, Jordon was competing in a Grappler’s Quest and I decided to sign up since it was free for women. I ended up getting second in advanced no gi, second in advanced no gi open (after getting kimura-ed in 9 seconds by an Alliance teammate) and first in gi. I hadn’t competed since I was submitted my first match at Nationals. It takes a lot out of me when I lose. While I was right on in Vegas, I couldn’t get my shit together for Nationals and ended up being armbarred by a girl I had beat in Vegas. I hate relying on “good days” and chalking up every loss to a “bad day.” There’s got to be a better way to control it and I haven’t figured that out yet. I sound really fuckin’ dumb when I talk about it because I am still a noob but regardless, it is plaguing my results now.

Overall, I’m a writer, a student, a crocheter, and now a marketer? I’m still writing articles for various outlets. I’m crocheting beanies that are for sale for $20 (+ shipping when applicable) and slowly working on my zine. What’s important is that I am constantly working towards something. I am always pushing forward, ignoring negative people, ignoring those that are in my way. Buy a beanie. Bye.

Not long ago, I was laid off and searching for jobs on craigslist. I was in a hurry with the constant reminder from my parents that my car insurance would be due and the severance check I received would wear out especially with my jiu jitsu hobby. I came up on an ad for a Sports Injury Center nearby that was looking for an office admin to assist with physical therapy and such. It had just been posted and said to apply in person so I woke up early the next day and drove down there. I was interviewed on the spot and got the job.

 Basically, the guy was creepy, he talked shit about people behind their backs, constantly controlled every aspect of his "girls," and his whole mode was "let me hire fit-looking girls and just have them do everything ever but not pay them a lot cause it's not like they have any real qualifications to be doing physical therapy but I'll make them think there's plenty of room for advancement and that what they're learning is valuable and that I really do care about them." I did laundry, put e-stim on people, faked that I knew what was wrong with the patients under his orders, cleaned, managed insurance billing, managed inventory, did customer service, the whole shabang. It got to the point that he was texting and calling me to talk about work on my off-days or when I had just left the office to say, "What should we do about the patient who's insurance isn't paying? He's totally a doofus, huh!?" And when I finally told him that I wasn't being paid enough to be constantly working even when I'm not at the office, he "demoted" me. Not long after I came in with a letter stating I was quitting and instead of talking to me in person, he had the new lady up front make sure I had a real signed letter and tell me that he "thanks me."

I think that was enough background for my intended story. One of his biggest clients (among the Disney execs, Ray J and Jermaine Jackson's wife) was this big ole gangster dude who apparently is Mayweather's promoter and sponsored people/girls and knew producers and had the inside scoop and knew the right people. After "Doc," as he was called, constantly bragged that I trained jiu jitsu to his patients and adamantly referred to me as "judo girl," this guy became interested telling me he'd sponsor me. I didn't actually believe him until I told him I was competing in Vegas for the 2010 Vegas Open and he came in one day and threw a hundred dollar bill onto the desk. He gave me his number, which was a voicemail only phone line. In order to get ahold of him, you had to call and leave a message. Then when he called back on a private number, you had to make sure you answered it since there was no way of calling him back directly. There was another girl in the office that had just started who was some weird chick aspiring to me a boxer/singer or something. She had an album from years before and this guy was inquiring to her, too. He was even helping the main bodybuilder dude in the gym get to Nationals or something. I knew he was legit in some form given that he was legitimately helping these other people achieve their goals.

So the next step after I got back from Vegas was to meet him at T.G.I.Friday's. He showed up with some other basketball model girl and other people kept showing up. Other girls that were either successful or getting there. Then the big dudes kept coming. Producers and the like. One guy had produced Christina Aguilera's albums among other names and the girl sitting next to me mentioned she was a singer and he had her singing on the spot. She was eating up the attention and I was sitting there, the only white person at the table feeling like I needed to get the fuck out. Nothing was really discussed but he asked if I had a bank account, needed my training fees covered, what I wanted from him and I left with it being pretty open ended but knew I'd be seeing him at the office. While no major promises were made, he was showing off his connections or something.

 The next time he hit me up I met him to get dinner again. I figured that he was picking me up from where he told me to meet him so that we could meet up with another shitload of people. When we got to driving, we ended up at Chart House in Malibu. Just the two of us. As we had dinner he insisted on asking why I had never questioned his intentions or wanted to know more about him. He also wanted to know, again, what I wanted from him. The conversation was seriously awkward but I refused to believe it was the worst situation. I had proof this guy was real and enjoyed putting his money where he saw it would blossom. Why would I be any different? He proceeded to tell me that I just "have something about me" and I'm "unique" and "unlike all the other girls." He asked if I had bills that I needed paid and what I was willing to do in return. He wanted to be my sugar daddy. I played the dumb card and he tried hinting more and more. I finally just said I wasn't into that and he took me back to my car.

 I  at first refused to believe that I was being hit up to do sexual favors in exchange for being taken care of financially because I was looking for some sponsor to throw hundred dollar bills at me when I have a competition coming up. It was the most awkward situation I've ever been put into and at least now I know what I can kind of expect when someone's intent isn't true. At this point the only sponsor I'd be willing to have is Koral and for that, I've gotta bust my ass and win some world championships. Two (or many) goals in one as I see it and I am in no way in search of shortcuts to success, the easy way out, or an excuse to avoid hard work. The guy may have known Tupac and partied with him in the back room at the very restaurant he took me to, but sexually pleasing a 50-something fat worn out "producer" would be the last thing on my list of things I would do if my only choice was that or suicide. Nothing is that easy. Unless you sell your soul.

I never intended this blog to be anything more than a typical training/competition log for my jiu jitsu life but it has turned into a diary of my endeavor in life as a whole. My trials and tribulations have not only to do with my injuries and losses but also my low tolerance levels for travel agents and my lack of motivation to write among other things. Through writing this blog I've really been able to find that writing is a huge passion of mine. Sharing the thoughts in my head and having people read them is satisfying beyond belief.

Like my preface in the original post of this blog, I have no credibility under my belt as a writer. Looking back, I took a liking to it growing up but I have no real story to tell. I don't have a degree, I didn't live through a heartfelt tragedy. I hold no moral codes or hidden truths. But I do feel that I can write.

Tonight I saw the movie The Help. It's about racial discrimination and a young woman determined to expose the life and perspectives of the black maids in the south back in the 1960s. It made me laugh and it made me cry but the best part was Emma Stone's role of a passionate, driven, unique-minded individual with the ability to write. By watching this, I know that I not only want to write for a living but I want to write a book that will make people feel and perhaps expose them to a reality or relate to me on a personal level.

Maybe I had a hard time getting people to listen to me as a child and that's the reason for my constant urge to splurge out my thoughts on a regular basis. I may talk about other people sometimes or constantly joke or even complain a lot but the intuition I hold and the ability I have to put my thoughts down in concrete form can and will get me far. Believe it or not, I have "shit" to say. When Romulo told me to go be a writer after seeing how excited and motivated I was about my zine's first issue, I was offended. I was upset from a loss and putting all of this weight on my shoulders to be undefeated early on. I took it as if he was telling me to give up on jiu jitsu and move on to this new direction I was taking but I understand it a little better now. Sure, I can compete in jiu jitsu but my true "thing", my niche is in writing. I'm an emotional person and in fact, the more sensitive I am to a subject whether it be anger, sadness guilt or sympathy, etc, the better I write. Research papers are not my forte. Opinions are. That's worth somethin', right?

These past 9 months of my life have been spent in a cubicle. I took off from school, I didn't go back after a semester like I had intended to and I remained a full-time employee for a wholesale travel company down the street taking calls and selling travel packages to snobby, lazy travel agents. About 2 months ago I was given the opportunity to change positions to be a part of the "custom" desk where, along with one other very seasoned individual, I would be getting quotes from our suppliers for items that were not already in our system. My daily tasks involve emails and that's pretty much it. I answer an email, forward it to a supplier, receive the quote after a day or two (or a week) and then I mark up the quote and give it to our agents to offer back to the travel agent. Yesterday I sent out a mere 7 emails, one of which was one word, and sat at my desk for 8 long hours. I applied for jobs, learned some HTML, fiddled with my wordpress website, edited some articles of mine and researched many many things on google such as anterior pelvic tilt and 100 best companies to work for in 2011.

Today I had the day off to see a chiropractor since my neck was tweaked at training and I needed some treatment so that I could properly check blind spots to the right of me again while driving. After, I figured I'd try to sit at a starbucks in order to tune out and finally get some work done on my zine. As I sat there, an old man came to sit near me on an opposite couch. He was quite aged with a near bare head decorated with dwindling white twines. His hands were shaky, and without a cap on his cup he spilled some of his drink on the floor without even noticing. As he sat down on the seat he seemed to have a little trouble and as his hand neared towards the coffee table holding my phone I was only worried about some more of his drink spilling onto my beloved possession. He finally got to his destination, bum firmly resting on its leather abode, and he looked peaceful. He had nowhere to be, or so it seemed. I stared at him wondering if he knew that in a matter of some odd years, he'd be dead. Maybe he stared at my feet just looking at my tattoos or maybe he was really pondering my young soul and how far he was from my stage in life. It was in that moment that I felt bad for him. Did he know? Did he realize that everything he had wanted to do in life had to have mostly been done already? I wanted to tell him, "hey, if you ever wanted to go skydiving, you better have done it already because there's no way in hell you'd be lively enough to accomplish that now!" Of course skydiving is just an adrenaline rush that most people consider a notch off their fun list but more to consider would be whether he had kids, got married, accomplished all his goals whatever they might be, became the man he had once aimed to be, surpassed the assholes he met that he never wanted to be. His time was running out.

My post isn't about this old man. This post is about the past year of my life and how much, at this very moment, I feel like that elder fellow coffee drinker. Given that I was working part time, or working elsewhere with better hours or had managed my money better, doesn't mean that I'd have published a book already, moved to Paris and found my soulmate. But I know that I would have gotten my zines done. Gotten my website well on its way. Competed more, traveled more, found more enjoyment in my life. Instead, I have damned myself to a hell full of middle aged fat people who have no dreams that exist beyond their monthly sales goals. Where the topic of conversation is their children. Where the excitement of their day is held in the hands of the rare nice travel agent who happened to make them laugh. I am not one of them. And it's not to say I am better or I am in the position to shit on their life but by all means, I will be better. I refuse to settle.

So I plan on quitting that job within the next two weeks and finding a retail or mindless part time job somewhere I don't feel stuck or sucked in. I start school next week and have never been so excited to start my life of improvement back up. I can't ever take back that year of my life. I now know what it feels like to have wasted time in a place where I don't belong that is truly bringing me down, telling me I can't. When I started working there I decorated my cubicle with some ripped out ad pages from a GracieMag and two of my medals to try and remind myself why I am there. When I moved cubicles to the department I'm in now, I added a photo of myself from Pan Ams and the brochure I received the day I walked into Cobrinha's academy but it does not do justice to remind me of my life outside of that restricted environment. In fact, the only thing it earns me is coworkers starting conversations regarding their 7 year old in tae kwon do and non-funny "jokes" involving me being a bodyguard if one should ever need it. The sooner I leave, the sooner I can regain my mojo.

I hope no one should ever feel that their work is unfinished. Death will come to us all and the feeling of a time bomb or an hour glass on its final ounce of grains should not be involved when it does. Whatever you're putting off, I hope you do it soon. Whatever I am fit to be, I hope I figure it out soon and run towards it full force. It really is the only way to live.

I think I’m finally on a good path. This past weekend I went to Las Vegas for the IBJJF Las Vegas International Open. I competed in this tournament last year and received my blue belt on the podium from Romulo and it was a really great experience. However, this time gave the previous a run for its money. I had a few goals I was planning to accomplish and each one that I achieved felt amazing.
 Drop from lightweight to featherweight
 Win featherweight division
 Win open weight.

I have always walked around at about 135. I lost weight when I started jiu jitsu but due to some muscle gain, I generally stayed the same weight. At this year’s Pan Ams I had to watch my weight/cut just to get to lightweight which is 141 with the gi. After starting to work with weights/being conscious of the crap I was putting in my mouth, I was down to around 132 recently so I decided to make the drop to featherweight. On three separate occasions, I rolled with girls who were feather or just lighter than me and they weren’t nearly as much of a threat to me than girls at my weight and up. It was a pretty significant note made in my head each time I was faced with these girls and so I finally got it in me to drop the sweets. I started dieting/working out more and more over about 2 1/2- 3 weeks but wasn’t noticing much difference. In fact, three days before my Vegas departure I was really worried and planned to be sitting in the sauna for hours. Once we were in Vegas and I took some exlax (I have never been so excited to poop before) I was on point. I ended up weighing in at 127.5. (Feather is 129 with the gi) and it was a shock. I didn’t feel too dehydrated or weak. I could have gone home then and there feeling satisfied with the completion of my weigh cut/loss. But of course, I had more goals to accomplish.

My first match was against Marisol Romero, a really tough 14 year old from Drysdale’s that I had gone against at Vegas Trials. No matter what happens, win or lose, she is stoked to be there and immediately congratulates/praises you—truly a grateful kid. I pulled guard, she attempted a pass and I slapped on a triangle and finished her with an armbar in 30 seconds. My teammates and myself all went “what just happened?” I was off to a great start. Second match I really felt the weight cut. I think I puked in my mouth a bit. It was against a GB girl that I’ve taken classes with in the past. I swept right away, had issues with being in her guard and she closed it up. I stood up a couple times, she went for an armbar and I flipped her over where she turtled. I could not get my other hook in nor the seatbelt even. She was tightened up like a shriveled something or other. Super frustrating. I ended up getting in side control or something. It was a blur. Time ran out and I was up by a couple points. Third match was against a girl that beat me in open weight at Vegas Trials. Really nice, awesome girl. We went at each other like mad women. She kept coming forward and driving her knee in like a knee slice pass but I she neglected to kill my feet on her biceps beforehand so I just kept throwing her over. Got some advantages for sweep attempts since I guess I wasn’t sitting up enough and she would stand up when I got her over. It was mostly just spider guard the whole time and then I finally came up and she got me in an omoplata and the match ended.. Mission #2 completed, featherweight champion.

After my teammate Karna won her lightweight division, in great fashion with an RNC, we were iffy about open. Most of the girls I had talked to were the same. It was like, “hey you doing the open!?” “ehhh, I guess” We signed up and waited for the announcement to start warming up a few hours later. My first match was against an awesome girl Erica that I’ve mentioned in my blog before. She was at my first tournament and I beat her at Vegas Trials. It’s always the same girls! Karna had already won her on points in her division and now it was my turn. She was really tough and strong but kept driving her hips forward in my spider guard and I took her over my head. She made a weird noise since she landed on her head and I asked if she was okay and she said yeah so the match continued. Match was basically me trying to keep side control and take the back. Second match was a girl I used to train with at GB, the sweetest girl. It felt like we were training at GB HQ again during our match, I won on points. After this, Karna had won two and was in the finals due to a by and all I had to do was win this next match and we could close it out. This match was with a girl from mediumweight and I played my guard, tried to get the back all awkward and it totally failed. Then after having her in closed guard I opened it and threw her on top of me into side control. I have no idea why. I still had my foot on her bicep so I recovered and slapped a triangle in. Pulled the head, got the tap and did a spaghetti arm dance. It felt awesome. I jumped on Karna and celebrated.

My trip has soooo many other details that aren’t worth mentioning. In fact, my play by play probably isn’t very exciting to read. But I am ecstatic that I am finally headed in the right direction. I’m staying at featherweight and will continue to work out/get strong/thin/healthy. I have a million things to work on for American Nationals next month. I am super sloppy and I am still relying on wiggling out of things. Obviously Cobrinha has helped me transcend thus far, so I can only get better and better from here. Once school starts I’ll have two days out of the week where I can go in early to the academy and drill drill drill.

As far as everything else, I have a Ryan Hall interview up on Budo and I even got in an article of my own on Graciemag where for once, I was the one being interviewed. Zine three will be out shortly I swear! And school starts in two weeks. Life is great.



http://www.graciemag.com/en/2011/08/the-women-take-to-the-mats-in-las-vegas/

http://www.budovideos.com/online/bjj-news/ryan-hall-on-training-with-everyone/

Self Improvement

Due to some influence from driven people around me and a new perspective on life in general, the idea of self improvement has become increasingly more important to me. I used to wonder what my purpose or anyone's purpose was in life. I thought that one person had to be a contributer to society in order to really possess value in my eyes. Anyone who was partying or sitting on the couch everyday was a piece of shit. I thought as long as I wasn't that, then I was okay but I was still lacking. I realized that someone needs to be constantly progressing. Never settle. It's a bit comical considering the way my mind processed that phrase before had more to do with being single but now it holds so much more meaning. We should be constantly creating new goals, reaching for our existing ones and never being satisfied with our past performances. (I stole that last idea.) I may not know what I want to do with my life and I may lose focus easy but if I can accomplish something every single day, use my waking hours to some sort of benefit, I can be worthy of life. Living is not about appreciating the sun or "natural beauties". It's not about appreciating others and love. Don't wake up and tell someone you love them. Wake up and tell yourself that today you will move forward. Wake up and decide how you will make yourself worthy of that heart beat. For those who waste away and don't take full advantage of the life that they've been given, the value that you place on yourself will reflect on others and ultimately, you're missing out.
A couple days ago I impulsively went to Borders to capitalize on the close out sales that were happening due to its unfortunate demise. If Borders can’t get a buyer I can’t imagine the fate of other large companies. I don’t think the value of books is decreasing but the value of knowledge and physical copies. I’m never getting a kindle. Anyway, I read a book called “A Millionaire by Thirty” by Alan Corey front to back that same day. It’s really about being an extremist and penny-pinching and investing but the author resembles anyone looking towards a goal. I read it with jiu jitsu and writing in mind. You must never lose sight even if being a black belt is still about 6 years away. He became a millionaire by simply (okay it wasn’t THAT simple) educating himself about investments and finance, being a cheapskate, sucking it up/holding out at his 9-5 shitty day job , ignoring whatever anyone else said about his progress and perhaps ridiculous goal and resisting temptation. Every single day was spent working towards becoming a millionaire if only a penny. There may not be concrete numbers involved with jiu jitsu that can be easily calculated but the hours of training can definitely accumulate and show through competition results and belt promotions. If I can suck up each day, drive my 40 minutes to training, learn and apply my techniques, maintain my diet and basically work hard as fuck, I will accomplish not only being a black belt but becoming a world champion.

I’ve spent the past few months figuring out how I can constantly improve. At this point I’ve relied on daily to-do lists just so that I can come home feeling like I did something and that today, I am better than I was yesterday. I try to get all of my tasks done in a timely manner and the ability to physically pass a line through a task on a piece of paper really aids in that. My latest have been:
-Renew license online. Check.
-Register for Vegas Open. Check.
-Send Bruno Malfacine Interview to Budo Dave. Check.
-Create website for zine. Check.
-Put out zine #3. Not yet.

My training has been fairly consistent but lacking. Now’s about the time I should start stepping it up since the Vegas Open is less than a month away and I’ve registered as featherweight. I’ve got about 5 pounds and I want to be walking around at that weight rather than be forced to cut. A couple weeks ago I flew to Atlanta and stayed with Jordon. He helped me with a work out plan and as soon as I got back I restarted at the gym near my house. It consists strictly of deadlifts, benchpress, front squats and grip exercises. I trust his knowledge and it is a tremendous help to feel like I’m making progress even if I don’t feel it. I never went to the gym before because I never really knew what to do and even if I did a bunch of things, I never knew when it was enough or how much because there’s no instant results. By trusting Jordon’s judgment I can get in there and out without hesitation about whether results will show. I’ve been going about twice a week generally and plan to step it up to three this week starting today.

On another note, I’m starting university again next month and I cannot wait. My hours at work will be minimized and I do not mind. I will be able to train still and advance myself every single day. Really, just the thought of having my daytime hours to myself even for two weekdays makes me ecstatic. The 29th of August needs to approach faster.

Yesterday I had an audition with MTV regarding a new life improvement show. I spent one of my working days applying to whatever casting I could find. When I got the voicemail the same day my 12 year old self giggled. I auditioned as a dependent jiu jitsu athlete who wants to not only become world champion but grow up essentially. Not exactly a great twist but the girls interviewing me seemed to enjoy learning about the sport. And even if I’m not considered for the show, the producers will know what jiu jitsu is all about by the time they’re done watching my audition tape. In that small chance I do end up on TV I can spread jiu jitsu even more. It'd be really cool.

My newest goals will be winning the Vegas Open on August 13th, losing about 6 pounds or so, saving/investing my money, getting more writing jobs, getting my zine issue 3 out, advance my website, do well in school.

If anyone can give me some business advice, help with distributing the zine, know anything about website design or want to give me more writing jobs don't hesitate to contact me.

Bruno Malfacine Interview
Pulling Guard Zine Website
How to Prepare for an Interview with a Successful Individual

I never want to be that writer who merely writes articles for the word count or quantity demanded by an editor. To report and skim the top of a truly inspiring person, tragic event or passionate interview is so offensive to me. The last time I paid any real attention to my zine was about 3 months ago. I burn out a lot. If my breakfast every morning is strawberry eggo waffles, it will remain that way for a few months. I will be so stoked to wake up and pop that sucker into the toaster. So easy, so quick and mmm tasty. Well, after awhile the boxes will pile up in my freezer and my motivation to eat those tasty waffles will dwindle down to non-existent. Then I move on to something else that really sparks my taste buds and the cycle continues. I use this one perhaps unrelated example but this is to show how I am with every interest in my life. Call me the jack of all trades. Playing in a band, starting a beanie/scarf business, jiu jitsu competitor, writer, blogger, horse-back rider, hardcore show enthusiast, you name it. And it’s starting to happen with jiu jitsu and my zine but I refuse to let it happen. I’m sitting at my desk at work and my zines are piled next to me since I started distributing them once again. I read it over and even though I’ve read these articles a hundred times, stared at the pictures as I strategically placed them so the words fit just right on the page, downloaded the perfect fonts and used them accordingly, poured all of my emotion into that Roylerzinho article, etc., I still feel so excited and proud to have created it. I have created every single aspect of these two pieces of paper on my own. I look at this and I think about the time I spent getting quotes from 15 different copy places to finally get a bulk rate after visiting kinkos twice a week, how much money I have put towards supplies, shipping, postage, copies, the time I spent contacting people and them never getting back to me, the images I cropped and edited for hours on photoshop where I am just a beginner. The list goes on and I’m sure you get the idea. And my point is that this zine is my pride and joy, too much to just let it die out. I’m currently working on the next issue and my bulk order of 1,000 copies of issue 2 will be driven down to the Atama headquarters next week for them to be distributed.

As far as jiu jitsu is concerned, I can’t really say its in the same boat and I’ll have to report on my results at the Worlds. It went exactly as expected. I won my first match via submission and met Monique for the second time. I knew I did not want to be in her guard and she didn’t want to be in mine. We both pulled as expected and she was making sure that I came up. I positioned my knee so she couldn’t close and I reluctantly came up on my knee. At the same moment she pulled my right arm and locked up a triangle. I had my other hand in enough to prevent the choke but my arm was fully extended. She tried the armbar but it didn’t work. I passed my leg over to help relieve my head from her legs so she went belly down and even with a wristlock couldn’t submit me still. She swept to mount and as I was squeezing my head out of the triangle she yanked on my arm when it was near the elbow and I tapped. I’ve trained two times in total since then and haven’t found much motivation to go. I don’t think I am cut out to be a world champion and I will need to force myself to attend class before I will find enjoyment once more. At this point it’s a task. It feels like a job to have to drive to the academy, focus on the techniques at hand and then have to roll. I’m hoping to get through it and compete at the Las Vegas Open in August but we’ll see. This is the longest I have not trained since my arm injury and it has not fazed me one bit—kind of a concern. I won’t quit because long term, I want that black belt and more gold medals but it does not make me happy to train now.

I’m writing this awesome article on Jordon Schultz that will be the main feature of my next zine. It’s worth reading and although maybe a bit discouraging or very motivating depending on how you look at it, the article will show such determination and drive for success that your attempts at jiu jitsu competition may just prove weak in comparison. The most intense person I have ever met, the article will be the same. Also waiting on a Bruno Malfacine interview that will blow some shit out of the water.

The 2011 World Jiu Jitsu Championships are 3 days away. This is the time that athletes are cramming in their last strenuous training sessions, starving to make weight, traveling and adjusting to time changes and ridding themselves of distractions in order to focus on the days ahead. I, on the other hand, have skipped a few training sessions, eating a bunch to make up for the dramatic loss of appetite I incurred the past few weeks, and dealing with internal issues that are preventing my mind from settling into competition mode.

Any jiu jitsu competitor will tell you how important your mind is to this sport. The mind is so powerful. Do whatever it takes to free yourself of demotivating thoughts and set a game plan. Gain your confidence. Be ready to act quickly and remember every thing you've learned. Sharpen your tools and load your arsenal. Sure it may be the hardest part but its necessary and its what I struggle with.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I had found a paid voluntary drug trial on Craigslist and being a troubled new college student, I jumped on it. I knew I had an abnormal amount of stress and wanted confirmation that I wasn't just overreacting and I wanted to perhaps learn if I could control it. I can't lie, though. The idea of 500 extra bucks in my pocket was a large incentive. The trial was about 8 weeks long and at the end I was advised to continue seeking help and that I could be referred. They even gave me samples of an existing drug on the market for depression and anxiety since they go hand in hand. And they really do.

After that I never sought out therapy. Instead I found a great alternative-- jiu jitsu. Today its proven to aid my stress levels and controlling my life. I'm sure most can vouch for that. But my anxiety and the like still exist and it is all still very real. It hinders my ability to not only train efficiently but also perform at competitions. With worlds days away, I know I want the title and I know it can be mine but whether or not I can get my shit together will determine everything.

If I don't win worlds it will not be because I was ill-prepared. It won't be lack of technique or cardio. It won't be because I'm not good enough or I wasn't pushed hard enough or I didn't surround myself with the right people. It certainly won't be because I was denied the necessary means to be at a high level. No, it will because I sabotage myself and couldn't make my mind right. Maybe it will be lack of confidence or will to give everything. Maybe it will be because of what someone said or did days before or unfortunate events. My troubles can get the best of me and in order to be able to step on the mat and compete against the person I shake hands with I have to win over my mind first. And that's pretty depressing.

Cobrinha

With everything going on in my life the past couple months or so, the drama has been surrounding my personal life more so than my jiu jitsu journey. There’s only so much information that people want to hear regarding doctor visits, boy problems and speeding tickets. Or none at all… Basically I’ve been adjusting to the new gym and trying to grow up. I’ve trained every night except for one and the time I went to Dallas. A week ago I returned from Tejas with a gold medal that I feel I barely earned. I flew out to Dallas to meet Jordon and Alec from Atlanta for the IBJJF Dallas Open. I saw it as a way to see where I’m at since switching schools. Sporting my new Alliance patch and with no coach and at some random gym with the name “Kitty McGee” in the middle of humid Denton, Tx I felt like I was just completely on my own. It was just another instance lately where I had to grow up. Maybe I sound a little immature but I was definitely spoiled and babied at my old team compared to Cobrinha’s. Everyone is respected and there’s no goofing off except if someone farts or Fabio sways his hips better than J-Lo while teaching a technique. That’s always funny. I had two other girls in my bracket in Dallas but one didn’t make weight which I found out later. My first and only fight was against I think a Lloyd Irvin girl. I pulled guard (shocking, amirite?) and got a triangle right away. I adjusted but she framed a bit and had her other hand still inside. I tried angling and hooking her leg and then pulling her head down and I couldn’t get the tap. I tried pulling the elbow of the hand that was still inside and she was pinning it so that didn’t work. Swept to mount and she squeezed her little head out and I was gassed which made me disgusted. I played guard and she passed and I swept and then we stood up, I pulled guard again and then time ran out. It felt really really horrible to have won that way and my technique was atrocious. Not a great way to rep the new team. Anyway, we waited around and I saw the others fight and blah blah blah. Texas is humid and gross and desolate and boring and dead. I never want to go back.

Cobrinha’s has been a definite step in the right direction. His techniques require serious mental notage and makes me realize every technique I learned before him was the cliff notes version. He has an answer for every situation and will answer them anytime. He loves to teach. When he shows a technique he goes from start to finish and it feels like it never ends. Here I am taking bullet points of all the moves in my head and the list will go to about 20 for every technique. He walks around and makes sure everyone gets the move exactly how he intends and any trouble you may have he will jump right in and let you do the move on him to see exactly where you went wrong. I can’t ask for a better teacher. The first Saturday class I attended was the first day he came back from Abu Dhabi. After a vigorous 2 hour training he had us get in lines with one person in the middle and have us run through that person for 2 minutes, no breaks just one person after the other. After the 2nd training we did strength and conditioning in which he turned into a drill sergeant. He may only weigh 62 kilos but he has such stature and professionalism that you never want him to feel disrespected. As far as my training partners, they are all there to win. We have about 4 white belts, a lot of blues, a handful of purple and about 3 brown belts and one other black belt who trains with us who weighs less than me and is awesome. I get killed every night and the different games that were produced at other academies allow for me to have a variety of different rolls. Some love deep half, some are great at passing and others have a really dangerous guard. Either way the intensity is always on high. The best part is that there’s another blue belt girl that I love training with regularly. The other great part is that I’ve been able to keep everything professional and my training partners stay training partners. No opportunities for others to know my personal business which is a mistake I made at my old academy. With worlds well on its way I get to prepare with Malfacine, the Langhi brothers and others. Hopefully I can pull everything together to ensure my spot on the podium, I plan on leaving it all on the mat.


P.S. I've got interviews on the way from Gabi Garcia and Braga Neto and possibly Nick Diaz.

P.S.S.
My favorite person to see every day:

Pan Ams 2011, Alliance

Let’s see. Back in March for Pan Ams I was only training 3 days a week maybe, was fat and had to starve myself to make weight. Unfortunately my work didn’t allow me the days off and I had to work on the Thursday and then from 6-10am on Friday—the day I was competing. With nothing in my stomach, not nearly enough sleep and no coffee to keep me awake, I miraculously worked my shift and my friend Jessi chauffeured me to the tournament in Irvine. Yay carpool lane.

So I got there and weighed in and was a little under. I had room for some banana! So I warmed up with my friend Jessica Eve Richer (remember that name) from New York and waited for my name in the bullpen. I wasn’t very nervous and my first match was against some girl from some team I had never heard of. I jumped guard, which I’ve never done in competition before. I played some spider and got an armbar where the girl was tapping but I let up before the ref called it. Abort. Got up, passed, remembered a choke that my training partner had taught me two days before that involved using my own lapel over her neck and turning my body to north south. Success. With my first match over, Romulo rushed me out of the barriers to lay down and rest. He got me water, yelled at me for texting and even told my annoying teammate to leave me the hell alone. It was awesome. Second match was against a girl that I had just met while waiting. She held my water and ipod while I tied my belt and fixed my hair. It was nice (HA) and then I realized I was going against her. In my head I thought “this girl wears too much make-up and smells too good, I must beat her.” I spent the match just gaining point after point. Sweep, pass, knee on belly, mount, half guard to pass, to mount to a cross choke from mount. Next match was my friend Sam from Paragon. I pulled guard, swept, had some trouble passing and my balance was compromised a bit. She got into deep half and I somehow managed to stay on top and pass. Romulo tried telling me that I needed to be sitting on the other side of her head but he didn’t explain it right and I ended up looking at him with a confused look while almost doing the splits. Anyway, I got in side control and she would not stay down. She kept trying to sit up and it was exhausting and near the end of the match she reversed me but I was able to get my legs under to recover an upside down guard and snatch her arm for the armbar. Three submissions, felt good. Before the final match I had a lot of time to rest and get ready. I knew it was the girl from Las Vegas Abu Dhabi trials and her only pass was double unders. Guess what she went for? I was able to maintain my guard for awhile but her pressure was so much and my legs went over my head. She got my back and I tapped to the choke. I also had a temper tantrum because she held it for so long. We cool though. So I placed second and it was alright.

End of that weekend I tagged along with the company I was with over to Cobrinha’s grand opening. A week later I left Romulo’s and signed up at Cobrinha’s. As much as I look up to Romulo and appreciate everything he has ever done for me (which is a shitload), I am a blue belt and don’t owe anything to anyone. I do think my switch to Cobrinha will prove beneficial and I have nothing, absolutely nothing against team Romulo. It wasn’t anything anyone did, it wasn’t anything said, it just wasn’t working and I had been having problems for months of all different kinds. I know I need to mature and I wasn’t going to be able to do it there. I wish everyone success and I hope I haven’t burned any bridges. Sometimes we need to do what’s right for ourselves no matter the cost and for me, this switch was it. I’ll be competing at the Dallas Open in 2 weeks under my new team Alliance.

As far as my writing, expect a new interview with the Mendes Bros on budovideos.com!

Abu Dhabi Trials San Diego, everyone learns from disaster

The amount of training needed to win at a high level is well...high. Or in other words "pra caralho." In my case, my training is not enough, we know this. Because I've whined about it a lot. No one can compete well and win at big competitions with the amount of training that I had in the last month but I almost did.

I trained more as a 2-stripe white belt than I do now. That was when I was afull time college student and working 9 hour shifts four days a week. Sometimes I would attend 6-8 classes a week mostly because I had an academy with a full schedule that fit into mine and later classes. I don't have that now. After Romulo left GB Encino our classes dwindled down remarkably. We added more and more and worked up to about 10 opportunities to train a week, 6 of them being classes taught by Romulo. I can only make three of them due to my job. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday is when I get my small fix. If I could train at least once a day, especially twice a day, maybe I'd be winning more. Maybe I'd be more confident, more conditioned, a better athlete. Maybe I would have won that trip to Abu Dhabi.

This past weekend I drove down to San Diego by myself after work. I was able to get off at 3:30 but it still took me 4 hours to get to the high school to weigh in. I made weight and one of my best friends who I never get to see anymore allowed me to stay at her apartment since it was conveniently located 15 minutes from the venue. The day of my weight division I was ready to compete without a coach, and that's what happened. I actually shouldn't say ready. I was there to fight but I was not prepared. In fact, I was more prepared to lose considering I had eaten pazookie's all week and didn't really train for a few weeks. I hadn't seen or talked to Romulo in a little so I said hi when I got there but didn't mention that I was competing so I guess he didn't know. My first match was against a girl I knew and had trained with before and ironically she lives and trains 2 minutes from my house. It was a given that one day we'd someday be matched up together but I wasn't sure if it would be weird. Her coach said he chose to keep his mouth shut and not coach Tessa since we were friends. It was a little awkward warming up and hanging out before our division was called but I'll have to learn how to deal now considering the amount of girls competing is small and I'm highly likely to compete against people I like. Anyways, I won that match by points. I pulled guard, swept, prevented deep half for about 3 minutes, passed and almost got the back before time ran out. I was told that I looked shocked I won. Pretty much. I was so prepared to lose because I was fat. I got a pep talk from Tessa and her coach and they even offered to coach me my next match. The second match was going my way and I kept wanting to sweep her over my head because the opportunity presented itself multiple times but I didn't go for it. I had the cross choke a few times and even made her gargle her own spit but she didn't tap. I killed my forearms like an idiot and at the last minute she gathered some points. I don't really remember but she ended up in mount at the last second. That sucked. But I wasn't shocked then.

Somehow I had made it to the podium allowing me a chance to win open weight meaning the trip to Abu Dhabi. The stars aligned, obviously. While on the podium I saw Romulo and my 2 teammates who gave me a look like, "What?" I secured my spot in the absolute brackets and then asked Romulo to coach me. But not before arguing with him how I haven't been training but for valid reasons that weren't valid to him. I waited 4 hours for the division to start. And then I waited some more as all the girls had matches. Finally I was called to fight yet another girl I had trained with and in fact had indulged in a pazookie with that week. I definitely said "pazzoooooookkieee" right before the match started. Romulo told me to replay what happened when I rolled with her in training so I did, submitting her with a cross choke from guard. Bittersweet win. After the match I gave my name to the coordinator managing the bracket and he said "Okay, see you tomorrow." All the final open weight matches were scheduled for Sunday. I immediately responded, "I'm in the finals?" He confirmed to which I turned around and yelled, "ROMINHOOO!! ROMINHO! I'M IN THE FINALS!!!" Wut? I had a by and then won one match and I was in the finals.

The next day was lagging and I finally got called after about every final match. My opponent and I were led to the mat and I took my place and waited for Andre Galvao to finish his match. After he won, I stepped onto the mat, wiped my sweaty palms on my gi, shook her hand, hopped back and immediately pulled guard. So did she but I stayed on bottom and she gained the advantage for coming up from the double guard pull. I tried for some sweeps but mostly just played de la riva and toyed with her balance. I went for a shitty omoplata and a measly dumb cross choke attempt from upside down guard. She played a good strategy by simply not getting swept and staying tight to me. She didn't really try to pass much and time ran out. One advantage, no points. She yelled in excitement running to her husband, Mario Reis while I to take in everything that just happened or rather everything that didn't happen. Because I was so complacent and passive I missed out on the biggest opportunity of my jiu jitsu career thus far. I wish this blog post was written with the sole purpose of announcing the huge step made towards building my legacy but unfortunately it's a bit milder and the topic is less exciting. Depressing as usual. I'm learning and I am still carving my path. I will make a name for myself, it just wasn't my time yet. I don't deserve it yet. I'm going to now work on not being an asshole to my training partners and treating my team with respect. I train at a lot of different places and I think it's time to go home. Team Romulo is my home and I can finally say I'm proud of what we have become and I hope that with a fresh start I can make them proud and they can begin to support my aspirations and acheivements. I'm just starting my journey. Here I come Pan Ams, ready to rip some heads off and leave them droopy and armless while I celebrate over their lifeless bodies. WINNING!

Here's everything I gained.......

I'd like to think that I've given this blog a level of vulnerability. Reading raw material with no intention of guiding the reader to feel a certain way towards the writer or the content is a rarity these days. I try not to hold anything back but then again it's not my diary so I need to have some kind of filter.

I'm still in a rut and I haven't found much love for training at the moment. I've been more interested in building my writing resume and attempting to earn some bucks so I can slave away at this desk job less. After Vegas, Romulo told me to go be a doctor. Okay, that sentence is kind of harsh when it's out of context. Every time I mention that I've got another writing job or lead in for my zine he says "Good, world champion writer." Sometimes it feels like he's telling me to pursue that instead of jiu jitsu champion and maybe he is and he's right. I need a back up plan and this is it.

I went up to San Francisco as a last minute trip for the hell of it last weekend. It was a really good, refreshing yet confusing trip. I made the decision to just let things happen as they will and put my agenda in the hands of the ones who ended up with me so to speak. I got to train and eat healthy food and just tag along with whatever the guys do over there. I spent some days in Stockton and given my hosts there, I wasn't too worried about getting shot, even at the bar!

However, I've been a pretty big nutcase since getting back. I can't really say why not because there's anything to hide but because I don't really know. The lives up there just seem better than the one I've got here and I never want to feel this way again. I never want to come home and feel like what I have here is not worthy of my time and effort but that's really how it is right now. I've been making it an effort to change some things so that I can have confidence in the choices I've made thus far, love the people that exist in my world and the opportunities that are actually available for me-- not the ones that were dangled in front of my face with no tangible way for me to chase them.

I'm competing in less than two weeks at the San Diego Trials. I've been drinking soda, eating a lot of baked goods and not training much. Yet I'm not worried. The less I stress, the better I feel. I don't have plans to meet up with anyone, I haven't asked anyone to coach me, I don't plan on having anyone to warm up with or even sit with. It's a test for me to be a real fighter and step up.

I also just made some business cards that look like the cover of a complete Throwdown discography. XXX

Check out my Caio Terra Interview on Budovideos if you get a chance.
http://www.budovideos.com/online/bjj-news/caio-terra-interview/
Assuming everything pans out, I'll have an article in two big magazines soon. And I'm also going to be famous one day, so if you're reading this, consider yourself an early fan. Thanks for reading.

Being a tool.

Everything in jiu jitsu has come very fast for me. Much like in the honors programs in grade school, I have taken the faster route. The only difference is that I wasn't placed in this position, I put myself here-- or so I believe. I gave myself high standards, I committed to this aspect of the sport. At a year and 5 months of my jiu jitsu journey, I am faced with huge questions, decisions and issues. All I know is that I don't think this is "normal."

The first time I even saw jiu jitsu, I had a huge interest. In 2008 I was brought into the scene at Pan Ams. Let's call it fate. Whatever it was, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I immediately asked to see some women's matches. And after I saw it before my eyes, I was sold. It took me a long time to get the confidence to enter a gym. I wasn't an athlete. I had never played a sport. I rode horses but I hated running (I still do) and I never placed any importance on physical activity whatsoever. With those circumstances holding me back it was also the money, the commitment and just plain social anxiety. I didn't walk into the gym until over a year later. But as soon as I did, I signed a 2 year contract right after my very first class. I've always dealt with finding productive activities to do with my time as well as keeping stable in my mental state. I had just come off a voluntary drug trial for general anxiety disorder. My life was a mess until I found jiu jitsu. I signed that paper so fast I never even gave myself time to think of what I had just done. Somehow I was going to manage working 36 hours a week and going to college full time and training. And I did.

After three months there was talk about a tournament. With my first exposure to bjj being at a competition, I knew it was where I wanted to go with my hobby. I ran around asking everyone about it, asking how to sign up, what it was all about. I even asked if I was allowed, if I was good enough, if it was in my best interest. With Romulo being my professor but not quite someone I really even knew, I went up to him and said "Professor, can I compete in a tournament!?" He simply said, "yeah!" and of course I went, "but I mean, like, do you think I could do it!?" "Sure" And I went and used the office computer to sign up.

My first tournament is always referenced due to the girls in my division still being active in the scene today. I actually just fought 2 of them this weekend at Abu Dhabi Trials. I won my first match that weekend and I'm not even sure how. I was so happy. I lost my next match but I had still gotten a medal. I went home and posted about it on facebook right away with a picture of me, my medal a huge gi burn on my nose and a smile. It opened up so many doors for me. This was it.

I entered more tournaments, I won some, I lost some, I trained a lot. By the time I was even a 2 stripe white belt I was training up to 8-9 times a week. I was training at other academies through people I had met, I was setting goals, stripping my life of circumstances that would limit my ability to train. I can't tell you when it happened and I can't tell you why but I became hooked not because I enjoyed every second of it or because it was just so much fun. I made jiu jitsu a huge priority because it's what keeps me sane, gives my life worth and gives me a feeling that I can actually succeed at something.


Jiu jitsu is something I take very seriously. You probably wouldn't be able to tell by how I am on the mats or how I live my life. This is a really hard blog post to make. I'm really not finding the words I need to say. Basically, this past weekend was one of the worst feelings of my life. I don't train as hard as I need to, I don't take things as seriously as I need to, I don't work hard enough. My professor works harder than any single person I've ever met. What I do with jiu jitsu compared to him as a joke. It doesn't matter that I'm only a blue belt. I make him look like his life is just a hobby. For what he sacrifices, I have sacrificed nothing. I want to be a black belt champion. I want to be the best at this sport. At one point I thought I could. Up until this weekend I thought I was giving it my all. I complain, I bitch and moan, I cheat on my diet, I take breaks when rolling, I stop when there's any pain, I don't push myself. I sit and watch people roll at open mat because "my head's just not in it" To say that I will be a champion at this rate is pathetic.

So the position I am now in is deciding whether this path is right for me. If not going to school in hopes to spend the next 10 years of my life devoted to being the best there is at this sport is even remotely possible. Why the fuck am I faced with this situation? When did Romulo, Braulio, Luanna, Lovato, Marcelo, all of them decide that this is what they were meant to do in life? How early on in their life did they stop fucking around and train to win? I'm faced with this now, and I'm either going to make it through or I'm going to figure out that I'm just meant to sit on the side lines and write about it. I really don't know.

A day in the life

Since this new year has begun, I have been one busy girl. With the trials coming up, my new job and getting my zine more known, I have barely had any time to.....breathe? see my friends? clean my room? pay my car insurance? fix my car? have any kind of social life?.....nah, no time to be unhappy. Given that I will find any reason to bitch and moan about my current circumstances, this year so far is a blessing. This job is a blessing, my zine and jiu jitsu. (Among many many different other things like my momma.)

Every week I work 40 hours. I train with my team on Monday nights, Wednesday nights and Saturdays. I've implemented a work out training with my friend Rebecca on so far every Tuesday and hopefully Thursday. Fridays I go into work an hour early so I have enough time after to get down to Irvine through the Friday traffic to train in the advanced Women's class and also catch the last half hour of no-gi sparring upstairs. Sundays I make another trek to Orange County to train the open mat at Ralph Gracie.

In between calls at work I: email different companies and academies to distribute my zine. I post in three separate forums and manage the "clients" I receive from each. I post in my facebook page and ask people (even those on my friend list who don't even know what bjj is) to like my page along with those who have a huge friend-base full of bjj lovers to post the fan page on their walls. I manage conversations to athletes for their quotes to be entered in the next zine along with the Luanna Alzuguir interview which is finally finished! (So excited) I write on the envelopes all the addresses to be shipped and stuff the few copies of zines in them. I mark down every contact/address I have in my pronotes book. I make a dot on my printed out U.S. map to mark each state I have contacts/distributors in so I can keep track of how well it is being spread. I write down the ideas/research the topics I'm writing for my next zine. Email/call copying places to request quotes for a bulk order.

I am at the post office at least once or twice a week. I am at kinkos about every week. I have received no donations and I am still doing everything out of my own pocket. I researched business plans and whatnot but that would be getting way too ahead of myself. I've gotten in contact with Budo Videos and they like the zine. Still working out plans and deals in order for them to put one of my zines in each order they send out.

I'm competing this weekend in the Grappling X tournament in Long Beach. I've been dieting and taking antibiotics. Tonight is the last night and I am still nasally/congested with a cough and no end in sight.

But I'd have to say that every morning I wake up, despite being tired and grumpy, I am stoked for what the day has to offer. As simple as you might think it is to be able to mentally prepare yourself for each day, it is not an easy task that I've ever been able to accomplish. I go to sleep at night (not without checking/responding to my emails, finishing up touches on the zine, etc) feeling tired and somewhat stressed but feeling like I did it right. I used this day wisely and I feel productive. I think that's what most of us ask for and I'm hoping it lasts. Gooooodnight.

P.S. Imagine me rambling this off to you as if I'm being timed on a game show. That should give it the full effect.

the juice is worth the squeeze

Jiu jitsu has plagued me with ailments, unknown scars and markings on my body constantly, a collection of pain meds/old antibiotics in my medicine cabinet, a maxed out credit card, buff arms that never fit right into nice cute tops with sleeves, medical bills, reason to work full time and not go back to school for now, constant laundry, lack of focus towards other important obligations in life, less of a social life, less time in my days, my hair going bald giving me reason to shave my head, dudes asking me "so ur a fighter? that's intimidating lol," and many many extra milage on my car. It's funny that a martial art/sport could change my life so much. And that everything I have "endured" so to speak so far has been completely and entirely justified due to the positive aspects. Not only did I find a hobby and a passion, I found a productive, healthy and truly inspiring way to define myself. I'm no longer just a college student. a little blonde girl, a 21-year old with no direction. I'm a jiu jitsu fighter. I find meaning in my life that is defined by training and fighting to the best of my ability in competitions. Competitions that will one day be the epitome of my life accomplishments. I have plans to not only earn a black belt but be the best female practitioner at every belt rank until then. I want to test my abilities in tournaments, teach others what I know, live my life knowing I have something worth living for and train hard all the time. I will be a champion one day. And even though that may never be enough, there is always room for improvement and ways I can incorporate jiu jitsu into my life. I'm young, I'm not tied down and I have time and the ability to dedicate my life to this sport. What a crazy thing to say.

P.s. Here's a picture after my first jiu jitsu class in which I posted on Facebook with the caption: "Hey body, you suck." hahaha