I have all I need

Training is long. This is the last week before Pan Ams. You sit back when you feel you have enough time to eat crap, skip training sessions, sleep in, and mentally rest before the preparation until you feel it. It's too late. You should have found the motivation a month ago but you were too content chillin' until that point where you need to train hard. "I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I indulge in this amazing donut." Except that panic you get when you realize it's two weeks away and that's not much time to change anything in your plans. It's a weird feeling but can be prevented if you force yourself to start even when you think it's too early. That donut can wait til after you've won all your matches.

There's a band called Gorilla Biscuits. It's one of those old hardcore bands that you have to claim to know if you want to be presumed as a real hardcore enthusiast. I faked that. I bought the CD and listened to it for a week but couldn't listen to it long enough to mark it down on my list of things to talk about when justifying my credibility in the scene. I'm pretty sure I just went back to listening to The Starting Line or something as equally as stereotypical of a 15 year old girl. The song I do remember, however, is "Start Today." It's weird that whenever I think of those words I think about that song. And whenever I have a thought in my head to either make a change in my life or try something new, I think of those words. I'd totally get it tattooed on my wrists but I didn't gain the credibility.

I think I started training for Pan Ams when I should have. When I could have. If I didn't have the trials to push me into this high gear then I never would have survived thus far. My life is only jiu jitsu. I don't see my mom and I don't watch Grey's Anatomy with her every Thursday night when I would normally skip out on class since it's usually no-gi. She even went to the market without me on Saturday when that's been our ritual ever since I can remember. I don't think of much else. I know a guy who twitches in his sleep quite often. Reluctantly to say, I'll go ahead and reveal that I know 2 guys who twitch in their sleep. Because they're dreaming of jiu jitsu. I thought it was really weird and I'd heard of people hip escaping in their beds to roll over which a lot of us do but having jiu jitsu cause you to twitch is weird-- until I started doing it. Sometimes it jerks me awake. When I dream I think about passing because it's been my focus. And sometimes you've gotta be explosive so I guess it makes sense.

The one thing I dislike about all this training is the loneliness. There is no real cure and in fact the temporary fixes are often detrimental and even hazardous. I rely on my teammates to keep me sane with their jokes and the lunches we have in between training sessions but when they leave and I'm left at the academy I feel like a puppy at a pound. I'm truly grateful for the people in my life. I went through a phase of not liking my teammates. I didn't feel a connection but since San Diego it's there. And if they read this, I'd like them to know how much I appreciate everything. The hugs when I need them, the jokes, the teasing, the sarcasm and the motivation to push past the mental blocks during rolling. Without you guys I'd be miserable and I never would be here where I am now.

Furthermore, this academy is my home. I am here more than I am at my house and I feel that I can do no wrong. When I leave I get into trouble whether its spending money or wasting time but when I'm here all of my choices are warranted. I am kept in line. When I worked here it felt more like a prison. People would come visit the academy and when everyone got to hang out together at the Grove, I'd be behind the desk. Although I'm not working or making money right now, it feels like I shouldn't be anywhere else. I thought I knew where I was going but once I made the choice to stay here in the gym it felt so comforting.

I have all I need.