My mom went to the dentist about an hour ago. Not long after she left I pressed the down arrow on her remote to which the whole input changed on the T.V. giving me a blue screen along with a floating grey box that reads "No Signal." Beautiful. First I went to the remote and suddenly buttons are reprogrammed and the ones I need to work, well.. aren't anymore. The cable box responds but the T.V. won't get off this frickin blue screen. Even after I reprogram the remote to the T.V., reboot the cable box, hard reset the T.V. and try to get the control buttons on the T.V. itself to help it reclaim its sanity. So far, no luck. Not only will my mom be stressed when she gets home as there's something new to deal with, I have lost the majority of my entertainment for the day-- unless I move to my sister's room where there is another cable box. Maybe you don't understand how much I am relying on these cable channels for my own sanity. The past few days my time has been spent purely indoors. The only time I left the house was to make a visit to the urgent care.

On Friday I thought it would be a great day to go to the beach given that the weather was really heating up and all of us training at Cobrinha's could use one mid-day retreat to relax in the sun. I wasn't sure of everyone else, but my hours of sun were quite limited due to training, work, driving and resting. I had planned the beach day a few days before and got a few heads to show interest. When I woke up, my left tonsil was sore but it wasn't really anything to worry about since I have problem tonsils that act up occasionally. I continued to drive to the academy to participate in conditioning, work on a friend's e-book after and then begin noon class. By the time we started drilling I had started feeling a bit icky but continued on. When it came time to roll I sat out for two rolls but not before I was called out by Cobrinha for resting. A week before the World Championships and I'm sitting out because I "don't feel well" wasn't really a great excuse. I felt the drive to get my ass in gear even though Cobrinha gave me the look of, "okay..sure...." but still let me sit. I wouldn't let myself sit. I ended up rolling the last couple rolls but after class I sat in the locker room dwindling down. While waiting endlessly for my turn to shower, I made was feeling more run down. It probably took nearly an hour just to get my turn to clean myself given that 5 women from Brazil are here for the Worlds. By the time Tove and I had gotten ready to set out for the beach, my number of volunteers diminished. I figured we'd set out on our own, determined to materialize our plans but as soon as I started driving I was increasingly more sick. By the time we made the decision to turn around, get some meds from CVS or Walgreens and rest at the place all the visitors were staying, three-day weekend traffic decided to make my life hell. It took about an hour and I was dying. I got to sleep when I got to the house but by 9pm I decided it was time to get my ass home. A 26 mile drive, I have nooooo idea how I made it home so sick.

So between Friday and now I've gained more swelling in my tonsils, more pus on my tonsils, more pain, more fever, more nausea then less fever, less nausea, less pain, less swelling and less pus. If you had asked me a couple days ago if I would be okay to compete Friday morning I would have told you that "I doubt it." I'm still weak and not pushing it but I will be there on the mat to push my best.

This story isn't so great and could have been cut down to a few sentences but it's important I map it out. I have spent almost three years preparing to compete in this tournament that could sum up my whole jiu jitsu experience. One weekend before and I'm feeling like death-- surely a way to derail my competition focus.

On another note, I fixed the T.V....

I never wanted to win at school. High school was the place that I settled for just getting by. I didn't have an excuse for not producing my best work and putting all of my energy into earning high grades. A grade of B was just fine for me because it didn't make anyone nag to me or disappoint my parents. When I see people who do well in school I feel like that could never have been me. I don't want that. It wasn't until now that I have the drive to be the best. I know what my head and heart feel when I have no intention of giving something my full attention and succeeding. That was everything in my past. Here and now, training for the World Championships I know the gold is mine. My opponents will have to want it more than me and literally break me if they want to see me fail. This is what I can excel in, this is where I can claim the best prize, recognition for my efforts and title. No magna cum laude, but rather the ability to say that I am a world champion. On a lighter note check out two companies I support who are supporting my endeavors. www.rolladaptwin.com and www.invertedgear.com Two new great companies, put together would be some raw pandas. Heyo!

I don't think I could have ever imagined being so at peace with life in the way that it is now. Back in my cubicle days, if you told me that I'd be training jiu jitsu full-time without school or work getting in the way, I would have been ecstatic but definitely reluctant to believe that something as cool as this would come true. When I worked at the academy I remember thinking that I would never want to be a full-time athlete. Really, that was the stress of the job talking. It was hard to separate the two, remember? I couldn't go on the mat feeling like I was there because I wanted to be. These days I am there solely because I want to win gold. I am there because I want to accomplish my life goals which are now to win worlds. My goal when I made this very temporary life change, was to win pan ams. I accomplished that goal.

I trained twice a day every week day, I did conditioning mon-wed-fri, trained once on Saturdays and came in to drill on Sundays. I hate having to leave my house at 7:30am just to sit in traffic for over an hour just to make sure I'm at conditioning on time, yet the feeling of missing conditioning any day is a worse feeling. When you're missing work or you're late, absentminded or just doing a shitty job you have the burden of someone else reprimanding you. With jiu jitsu there's no policy for missed days and there's no clocking in. That feeling I get, that antsy, dreadful regret I feel when I miss it, that's the feeling of letting myself down. That's the worst feeling. Worse than disappointing your parents. Yeah, rough. So I've got myself to keep me in line and it's an amazing feeling having the motivation to do so. If only I could do that with my writing...

The day of the 2012 Pan American Championships I was actually too relaxed. I had to drink some coffee and slap myself in the face in order to wake up. My first match was against a Gracie Barra girl. I got her in a triangle right away but I could not finish it. A very familiar situation. I swear I got better but this girl was too stubborn. I let go and attempted to sweep her over head but her knee landed on my face. I kept going but when we stopped to go back to the center I realized my nose was bleeding which wasn't a shock. The medic took forever to squeeze a tampon up my nose and the ref was rushing me to get on with it. When we started again, I swept to mount but didn't end up finishing her. My second match was against a girl I've been friends with through the jiu jitsu community. Not the type of friend that I tell my boy problems to but the type that I'm not afraid to chat with. This is because she was a middleweight. Recently she took up body building and dropped down to feather. We ended up playing a double guard pull game til she came up. I swept and she went for what looked like a knee bar and the ref called a DQ right away. I'm sure she wouldn't be going for one but the reffing has become more strict in that regard I guess so it was called. Shitty way to win. My third match was against a Lloyd Irvin girl. I walked behind her as we were led back to the mat from the bullpen and thought about how I refused to lose to a Lloyd Irvin team member. It was another double guard pull but I was able to make her come up. I swept her but she got me in a triangle. I held on for 4 minutes. Four minutes I was in another world. Cobrinha yelled instructions for me to make sure I could relieve the choke and hide my limbs. I sprawled, I shifted my weight, I held on to my arm for dear life and my eyes were closed the whole time. For the first time in my jiu jitsu career I showed that I had heart. I was put in a bad situation and I chose to not give up. When the match ended and I survived the submission attempt, I was up by two points and I celebrated as if it was the final. It was an amazing feeling. My semi-final match was another triangle failure. I was up on points and ended up winning but it didn't really feel all that great. The worst match of the day was still yet to come. After winning my 4th match I knew that I was in the finals with my teammate. I asked Cobrinha how it should be handled but he decided to let us work it out ourselves. Jennifer had 4 matches as well that day with 2 being submissions. In my head I felt like she had the better day. She beats me in the gym every day and has been training longer than me. It's hard to not compare myself to her. Compare in the sense that we're both blue belt feather weights. I know this is all in my head and no one actively says "look at how much better Jennifer is" but when her and I end up winning an equal amount of matches in the same division it's an odd way to feel. When I addressed the situation to her, she first asked what I wanted to do. I said "of course I want the gold." She felt the same, obviously. We both worked so hard to get to the top of the podium and now we both had each other in the way. She opted for rock, paper scissors but said only 1 not 2 out of 3. She won.

And so I got a silver medal at pan ams 2 years in a row. Sure, I "won" because I "closed out" my division but sharing the title is not as great as I expected it to feel. Which is why I've considered dropping weight for worlds. As far as I know there are no Alliance girls competing at light feather and so I could have my own division, my own accomplishment and my own world champion title. No sharing involved. I don't know if I'll make that decision or not, it's something I really have to figure out soon, though.

I have big things coming. I have myself right where I want to be. In regards to the future, I have no clue. I had to set a dentist appointment today for 6 months from now. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to be. I told her whatever she wanted was fine but I have a feeling it will need to be changed. I don't know what job I'll have, what my training will be like, if I'll be in school or not. I don't care. I don't care that I have no idea what I will be doing after worlds because all I care about now is jiu jitsu. I did, however, change my major to creative writing and I understand that it will take me at least 2 more years to complete my degree but I'm okay with that. As long as I accomplish a degree in what I love, it won't matter how long it takes me. As long as I am living in a way that is in tune with my happiness.

Expect a Buchecha interview on Budovideos, perhaps some new blogging elsewhere and a great great article that may spark some controversy given that the first draft was completely shunned by the subject. Whether it's up his impossible standards or not, an article will be written. Stayyyyyy tuned.