What the heck are you doing with your life?

How many times have you stopped everything you're doing and asked yourself, "what am I doing with my life?" How many times? Have you ever? Only when you know things have gotten shitty? What about when things are going great? What about when you feel like you can't actually change much? And what about asking when you already asked yourself a week ago and the answer was fulfilling then? What if it's not anymore? Can that happen? Can you be satisfied one week and the next be completely lost? What about annoyed at yourself? Is that beating yourself up? Is it okay to beat yourself up into shape? What shape do you want to be? Do you want to be good at something? Why not great? Why not the best? What if you want to be the best at many things? What about just two? Isn't two okay? Isn't that manageable? Can you tell me it is?

What the fuck are you doing with your life, Erin?

I can't answer it today. I can't tell you. Maybe I could have told you yesterday but today, I can't. The past week, all I've been able to do is study for my future. I've been looking up job opportunities in another city. I've been looking into the type of journalism I want to be writing. I've been looking into the business cards I want to make to make sure I represent what I want to be. I've been looking up ways to write narratives the way I hope to be writing. I've been looking up reasons why writing is a good career and why it isn't. I've been looking into ways to publish a book. I've been looking at my bank statements. I've been looking into the credit cards I haven't paid off. I've been looking at the assignments I need to be doing in school and tests I need to be studying for. I've been looking into the articles I want to write but haven't been writing them. I've been looking into ways to stay productive, stay healthy, stay in the game. Where am I now, though?

This whole week I've felt more and more disconnected from my goals. I thought I was in it, and somehow I strayed. I thought I knew how to manage my roles but I haven't. Suddenly everything is overwhelming for no reason. It just happened. I've focused so much attention on my goals that my path has gotten slowly more and more unrecognizable. How do I get from here, to my goals?

I spent all day yesterday not doing anything. I pretended I had nothing to do. I hung out with my mom and we ran some errands and I was extremely tired because I didn't take my ritalin. I figured it was okay not to because I wasn't planning on using my brain but it ended up making me extremely hungry and extremely tired and irritable. I slept for 12 hours last night. And today I woke up knowing that I needed to do things and re-enter the world and even though I only spent yesterday as my MIA day, I feel like I've been unknowingly doing that for some time now.

I know it's okay to be gone, right? And it's okay to have setbacks, right? I'm not losing hope. I'm not forgetting my goals. I'm just a little mumbled.

The hard part about taking pharmaceuticals is that you never quite know where the issues are stemming from as you don't really know if it's the old you or the new you. It's a journey that I wasn't ready to embark on until recently. It's helped me accomplish so much but at what cost?

When will I start training again? Initially I was planning to train full time as soon as the school semester ended with the motivation of competing at Europeans. But I've come to the awful realization that I'm not making the money I intended to and I'd be the biggest asshole for taking the money I did make and putting it towards an expensive trip when I still haven't paid off the Europeans trip from 10 months ago, much less anything else on my list of debts. Here is mature Erin talking: I need to pay off my debt and stop living in a fantasy world where I put off all my responsibilities for the impulsive lifestyle.

What are you doing with your life?

I'm taking some classes, I'm writing some articles, I'm covering some events, I'm blogging, I'm not training, I'm eating whatever I want, I'm taking ritalin and gabapentin, I'm making little money, I'm competing at Nogi Worlds, I'm working towards a degree. That's it, I think.

I'm going to write a book.

What role am I today? Oh, all three!

I play many roles. We all do. Role theory has been around for centuries and it plays off the idea that we are constantly attending to social roles that we have either been given or we have assumed. These roles determine how we act and behave, how we are seen by others and how we portray ourselves. But how can we know each other so well when our roles are so conflicting? How can others get to know us as a whole if they only know a small amount of the roles we play? This is my issue and how I am dealing with it determines my success.

I believe that my main roles are that of student, jiu jitsu competitor and writer. Those are in no particular order not because I don't have priorities but because they all equally share my time. To be honest, I cannot be more than one of those roles at any given moment. And although I may write about jiu jitsu, and one may influence the other, I am either one or the other.

I struggle with the fact that each identity has me building relationships as one type of person while I may really want to get to know a person based on a different role. But at the time I am in their presence I am stuck. And my goals are specific to each role however the time, effort and heart that I place in each must all be sacrificed for the others.

As a student, I should set my priority as school first. After all, my mom is helping me out by paying for my schooling and any slacking off would surely be a form of disrespect. But my heart is not in my education. If you know me at all, my worth is not found in the form of a letter grade and a classroom is not where I learn my most important life lessons. This is not who I am. However, assuming the role of being a college student places a burden that I am expected to deal with. And not just deal with, but perform with. I've got this literally, heavy as shit backpack of books and laptop and notebooks and I have to maintain my composure. I have to keep going. Because taking off semesters has caused me to be here since 2007. I still have two more years to go if I want to complete my education. It is the completion that drives me to do this, not the degree itself. But it is my goal to complete it and once it is set, it must be accomplished.

The most confliction I have resides within the world of jiu jitsu. It is not common to be an active competitor with goals of being a world champion as well as being part of jiu jitsu press with goals of being the best writer of jiu jitsu. I want to capture the best moments and I want to experience them. Because they both take up so much time as well as interfere with each other, I am usually one or the other. You can always tell which side my focus  has claimed based on my personal appearance. Working out a lot? I'm probably training twice a day. Flabby? I'm probably writing a crapload and interviewing like crazy. Sometimes my brain is the one being exercised, not my muscle memory.

But how can I manage it all?

I am currently being put to the test. This past weekend I attended two major jiu jitsu events. But not to compete. Not to enjoy as a spectator. I was there to cover events-- to interview, to report, to make sense of it all and to give people the feeling that they were there, without using a camera. I was press for Metamoris and I was able to experience two press conferences. At the ADCC Trials I got to interview some big names. But I haven't trained in a week. And I didn't study for my midterm. I was writing and networking and recording and actively watching, trying to remember everything I could about the feeling of being there, the emotions that were displayed and the history that was made. My mind wasn't on my literary criticism and theory. So I drove home after the event Sunday night and I got home after 2 and a half hours of driving where I studied for an hour. Then I woke up early and I studied for more. My midterm was hell but I can only hope that I displayed enough knowledge as it exploded through my pen and onto the 7 pages I hurriedly scribbled down for 75 straight minutes. 

And did I mention I am signed up to compete at the Nogi Worlds in two weeks? Did I tell you that I haven't trained much at all and I am not in shape? But my heart is on the mat and that's where I left it when I placed second at the world championships in June. My heart will always be in jiu jitsu whether it's off the mat or on but my true love will forever be in the spotlight-- as a performer, as a doer, an applier, a protagonist. 

Setting an example is more than just talking about it. I want to apply my theories, my analysis and my knowledge. I gain so much from interviewing the greatest people in my sport. I gain awareness and I can only hope that I can apply it. 

Know me as a doer. Know me as a thinker. And most importantly, know me as a successful individual. I am building my legacy and I've chosen to do so through many routes but all will lead to a fulfilled, happy life full of rich, healthy and righteous rewards. I don't care about being famous, I don't care about making money, I care about making a difference. I care about inspiring. I care about setting standards, I care about establishing my place in history and leaving my mark on and off the mat. For those who have been helping me along the way I am forever grateful and intend to be as beneficial as you have been to me. And for those who don't care to add to my life in anyway, kindly step aside.

Thanks Mike Calimbas for the picture! Check out his photography at www.mikecalimbas.com

Writing is a living, I promise.

I'll try to finish writing this post before my next class. I'm sitting on the tile floor on the 3rd floor of J.R. Hall and my butt is going numb. But I don't really care because I am on a grind. I am working on my approach for a certain event I was given access to cover as press!!

The email came in yesterday and as soon as I read "Congratulations, Erin" and saw who it was from I jumped for joy. I ran down the hall to my mom's room, realized she wasn't there, ran to the other end of the hall skipping back to my room to call her. "I got approved for the Metamoris press pass!"I said as she immediately started raving about TJ Max.

After my first experience as press at the IBJJF American Nationals I took on a new role. And I felt I fit in. I was able to gain access through my zine and BJJPix.com whom I write for now and I had the credibility to wear the orange vest and go wherever I please. I'm still shy in the sense that I don't approach everyone I want to because I don't want to screw up their focus or keep them from doing what they're supposed to be doing but I'll get there. When I saw that Metamoris was going to be this huge event, I had to get a press pass. Then I realized that there was an application process that required a letter from the editor and readership numbers and many other things. Who was I kidding? Pulling Guard Zine will be big but it ain't yet. And I am the editor. And the web guy. And the writer. And the social media manager. And the CEO. And everything else! Plus the proof of exposure was hard to prove because, well, the numbers aren't big yet. So I had to look for another way to get the credibility.

I had a connection to an amazing guy who allowed me to submit a query to Black Belt Magazine. He knew the editor and sent in my request along with a personal note that vouched for me in a way that allowed me to see my worth. I feel grateful to someone notice that I am a driven individual with a lot of potential and charisma. Thanks, Tom! Anyway, the editor got back to us and didn't see the value in having me write about the event for their pblicatoin. However in the meantime, William Burkhardt of BJJPix.com whom I work with/for said he'd been approached. While he couldn't make it to the event personally, he was going to be sending a girl to shoot photos and guess who else? His local writer, of course.

While this isn't a world champion title or a new sponsorship, this is a big step in my newest journey. I am still narrowing down my skills and working towards being independently wealthy while enjoying my passions but this is a great help. I need to make sure that I cover this event in ways that overshadow the others. I want to reveal things that weren't seen by the "average" eye. It's not about getting the most exclusive interview or taking a picture with Nicolas Cage (which I will do if he is in fact in attendance as they said), it's about getting the story that will last a long time. Sure, it's a current event and it's got a timestamp but not when you write something that helps solidify something in history.

I'm not sure if you've realized but this is a historical event for our sport. Just wait until you start seeing more tournaments popping up with prize money and even more celebrity endorsements. More respect for the athletes and more entertainment for the crowd of non-gi whores, non-competitors, non-extreme enthusiasts. Yes, this can and will be enjoyed like the UFC one day.

I wonder if there will be walk out music?

Stay tuned for the updates, I've got big things comin' and this girl is going to be big. (especially if I keep eating Trader Joe's Pumpkin Ice Cream). After I get my homework done of course.