I am constantly learning about myself. Sometimes I spend hours on google looking up information that suits me and branching off from one topic to another. Mental issues, like the ones I sometimes google, all correlate and the fact that there are lot of theories and studies in place of fact it makes it even easier to assess multiple possibilities.

Figuring yourself out is a constant journey. You know that already. You know, it's the journey not the destination, that whole thing. You can change. People change but not unless they want to and so self awareness is a requirement. I think about how I am with other people, why I do the things I do and why I have so much trouble in certain areas. Knowing yourself in terms of mental disabilities is a whole nother genre. I mean anyone can take their downfalls and "flaws" and put them into the right holes and come up with a category. But it does help in most cases with me.

"You could be ADD or you're just smart." That's what my therapist said when I asked if I could possibly be ADD since I have a lot of symptoms. My brain moves faster than normal. I do everything fast. I drive fast, I eat fast, I talk fast, I walk fast, I take exams fast. I've gotten in two separate fender bender accidents where I was the one doing the rear-ending. I eat more than I should because I'm too busy stuffing my face to let my body tell me when I'm full. I often interrupt people and have conversations with the intent to reply rather than to simply listen because I want to and I do butt in as soon as I know where they're going with their sentence. I usually can always tell before they've closed their mouths but it's not courteous to cut people off. I found out people rarely want a solution, they just want someone to listen.

I signed up at the Disability Resources and Educational Services office at school because I found out I'd get a better registration date for classes. I was asked what other ways they could help me but I didn't need it. I've found ways to cope but it's the whole loss of enthusiasm that gets me. He said he couldn't help me with that.

I'm a big picture kind of person. I don't pay attention to details because in the grand scheme they rarely matter. What's the purpose of something? That's more important in the long run. I don't really care how exactly it happened, just that it did and the impact it made. Maybe that's why I hate history so much. Just tell what we've learned so that we don't repeat the mistakes and let's move on with our lives, shall we?

I didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until last Friday. I got an ADD diagnosis when I started going to my psychiatrist 8 months ago. Being impulsive and hyperactive makes me extra distractible, giving me the "H." It took me a long time to choose the path of medication. But traditional talking therapy once a week wasn't doing it even after 9 months. I still will never take anti-depressants despite being recommended them multiple times but Ritalin in its slow-dosage form has less side effects and doesn't make me feel like a whole different person.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder a long time ago. That still lingers but who knows whether it's a real behavioral problem or a side effect of some other personality disorder. It's all a spectrum, really.

Either way, I'm here researching ways to be organized. Constantly figuring out why I'm not and ways I can help myself. Ways to feel fulfilled, too. It takes a lot of effort on my behalf to feel happy even though I still can't tell you exactly what that is. There's happy as an emotion and anytime I drink starbucks, win a Jiu-Jitsu match, eat Korean BBQ, hear a good joke, etc., I feel that. But that's temporary. 

Happiness is a state defined by stability and confidence. It means you are where you are meant to be without any regret or apprehension. "There's nowhere I'd rather be." And while I've said that before, it was again just temporary. 

Cobrinha once told us that winning a world championship is easy. Winning a world title for the second time, the third time, fourth, fifth, sixth. That's hard. I take it that he means it's hard to maintain that top spot. And so happiness is similar. It is a constant struggle. Money can't take you there but without it you may have a more difficult time getting there. A balance between personal relationships, financial stability, existence of goals, ability to find and feel self-worth, reaching of goals and a slew of other things. Now consider mental disabilities and it could make happiness virtually impossible regardless of attaining every other ingredient necessary.

Jiu-Jitsu gives you a lot of those parts. With certain circumstances it can bring you financial stability. But in the beginning it gives you the network of support in terms of relationships, it gives you the physical means necessary to get and stay healthy, it provides the goals and ability to find self-worth. It gives you something to constantly work towards regardless of being a black belt or world champion. It puts everything in line and shapes someone into a worthy recipient of that great gift called happiness. 

I can't preach it enough and I can't tell you how many times my depression, anxiety, ADHD all of their side effects have not only been relieved but also given a chance to surface through Jiu-Jitsu. You can't fix something that isn't there and you can't address something that doesn't always surface. But given the right atmosphere like, say, the competition mats, you give yourself the opportunity to face your inner opponent and deal with it. With that network of support, physical exertion and achieving of goals.

What an evolution of a post.