Monday, July 22, 2013

Insatiable hunger

There are times when I have such an unrelenting feeling of anxiety that I'm not doing something that I should be. This feeling always drives me to write a post because if I don't, I'll miss my chance to write something that I need to put down. My mom always told me, "do it right now before you forget." She still tells me and while it might imply that it's better to have something done before the opportunity expires, here the part of remembering serves a purpose that records thoughts that may pass. 

"No I am not, where I belong." Dallas Green otherwise known as City & Colour sings genius songs that put together words that seem to be such common thoughts, feelings, issues, but his patchwork of lines always seems to create such richly unique situations. That line stays with me because I never feel like I am where I am supposed to be. Am I simply avoiding a to-do list or am I really not following through with goals? Am I in a position to be working toward my best version of myself? Sometimes going to New York just means a simple visit to see my boyfriend. It means that going there could mean anywhere-- anywhere that he is. I'd follow him anywhere but New York is becoming more than a meeting place. I have reasons to be in LA of course but now that I've spent so much time there in NY, I find replacements for such bonds or at least reasons that allow me to leave here for large chunks of time without feeling bad. Perhaps a lot of my friends and family fear for the day I make such a move however they're already becoming accustomed to my absence.

The way I see life is by purpose and functionality. Emotion plays a large role and I'm often lead by emotions that I don't question but self-awareness is always present. I'm driven by making people think as much as I do. I never write articles that claim to hold truths or information that isn't found in the text. I wouldn't write a title that didn't accurately link to an article that elaborated everything indicated just as I wouldn't claim to be something I'm not. What I am is a seeker of bigger and better things constantly. I may not finish my dinner before my dessert or complete a goal before setting a new one but I will always seek to improve myself and my situation.

I bought a plane ticket to return to New York the night before I left to return to LA after a month and a half of being gone. I already bought a different outbound so I can get back there sooner. It's not about escape. It's not about ignoring priorities. I talked to a college advisor while I was in New York. I set up my fall classes. Before that I made the decision to enroll in an online summer class. I got my books mailed there and even started my class. I worked from there. I trained when I wasn't drenched in sweat from simply being at a standstill. My life resumed and I even took on more responsibility. New York isn't a vacation for me. I'm not lucky to be there. I'm working hard to be there and I deserve to be there, living there as I was and will be for the three week trip I chose to use as the remaining time of my summer break as it dwindles.

I won't get sappy but being away from Gianni hurts. It's that sadness that comes from missing out on important events mixed with heavy nostalgia and tossed with a side of insatiable hunger. There's a point in time after being with one person for awhile that you lose part of yourself and that person fills the hole that was left. You accommodate yourself with who they are, what they do and what routine you have together. So as much as you gain from being with someone and building a strong bond, the more you have to lose. And not only that, it makes it that much harder to separate yourself from them mentally, emotionally, physically. When you find someone who picks up what you lack, who evens out your odds and balances you, it's a shock to split yourself from that. I'm not just leaving someone who makes me feel good, I'm leaving a part of my life. I guess that's the best way to explain his role.

School for fall semester starts August 26 here in LA and I'm finally a senior after six years. If I cram in lots of credits I can graduate by Spring, or more realistically next summer. It's motivating yet still a burden to be working towards my degree. I just want to finish it. As far as Jiu-Jitsu, I failed at Pan Ams losing my first match to a great girl from Scandinavia specifically Norway and I placed third at Worlds losing to a girl from the Netherlands. Although I passed guard in my first match, it was a disappointing run where I gassed from a weight cut that should have been easy and both important events were overshadowed by covering the event for Graciemag. School, Graciemag, training. Ill be out of competition for awhile until I can work out a happy situation that doesn't require me to fail at one to secure success in other fields. I want to say that I'm an advocate for multi-tasking and going for many things at once. But right now I'm torn. Failing at one thing to me is failing at them all and I've cried, hit my head against a wall, thrown shit everywhere, yelled and felt extremely lost, disappointed and run down over it all. I can't stop but I've yet to figure out a solution. I refuse to believe that working for Graciemag is detrimental to my training, enough to cost me the world title, pan am title and the other golds I want. I'm slowly being forgotten as one of the top competitors at my rank and because losing a championship feels worse than losing a job or failing a class, I know I can't give up competing. I swear I will have a solution, just not yet. Ill post about Denmark and Sweden another time, this post is too long.

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