Everything in jiu jitsu has come very fast for me. Much like in the honors programs in grade school, I have taken the faster route. The only difference is that I wasn't placed in this position, I put myself here-- or so I believe. I gave myself high standards, I committed to this aspect of the sport. At a year and 5 months of my jiu jitsu journey, I am faced with huge questions, decisions and issues. All I know is that I don't think this is "normal."

The first time I even saw jiu jitsu, I had a huge interest. In 2008 I was brought into the scene at Pan Ams. Let's call it fate. Whatever it was, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I immediately asked to see some women's matches. And after I saw it before my eyes, I was sold. It took me a long time to get the confidence to enter a gym. I wasn't an athlete. I had never played a sport. I rode horses but I hated running (I still do) and I never placed any importance on physical activity whatsoever. With those circumstances holding me back it was also the money, the commitment and just plain social anxiety. I didn't walk into the gym until over a year later. But as soon as I did, I signed a 2 year contract right after my very first class. I've always dealt with finding productive activities to do with my time as well as keeping stable in my mental state. I had just come off a voluntary drug trial for general anxiety disorder. My life was a mess until I found jiu jitsu. I signed that paper so fast I never even gave myself time to think of what I had just done. Somehow I was going to manage working 36 hours a week and going to college full time and training. And I did.

After three months there was talk about a tournament. With my first exposure to bjj being at a competition, I knew it was where I wanted to go with my hobby. I ran around asking everyone about it, asking how to sign up, what it was all about. I even asked if I was allowed, if I was good enough, if it was in my best interest. With Romulo being my professor but not quite someone I really even knew, I went up to him and said "Professor, can I compete in a tournament!?" He simply said, "yeah!" and of course I went, "but I mean, like, do you think I could do it!?" "Sure" And I went and used the office computer to sign up.

My first tournament is always referenced due to the girls in my division still being active in the scene today. I actually just fought 2 of them this weekend at Abu Dhabi Trials. I won my first match that weekend and I'm not even sure how. I was so happy. I lost my next match but I had still gotten a medal. I went home and posted about it on facebook right away with a picture of me, my medal a huge gi burn on my nose and a smile. It opened up so many doors for me. This was it.

I entered more tournaments, I won some, I lost some, I trained a lot. By the time I was even a 2 stripe white belt I was training up to 8-9 times a week. I was training at other academies through people I had met, I was setting goals, stripping my life of circumstances that would limit my ability to train. I can't tell you when it happened and I can't tell you why but I became hooked not because I enjoyed every second of it or because it was just so much fun. I made jiu jitsu a huge priority because it's what keeps me sane, gives my life worth and gives me a feeling that I can actually succeed at something.


Jiu jitsu is something I take very seriously. You probably wouldn't be able to tell by how I am on the mats or how I live my life. This is a really hard blog post to make. I'm really not finding the words I need to say. Basically, this past weekend was one of the worst feelings of my life. I don't train as hard as I need to, I don't take things as seriously as I need to, I don't work hard enough. My professor works harder than any single person I've ever met. What I do with jiu jitsu compared to him as a joke. It doesn't matter that I'm only a blue belt. I make him look like his life is just a hobby. For what he sacrifices, I have sacrificed nothing. I want to be a black belt champion. I want to be the best at this sport. At one point I thought I could. Up until this weekend I thought I was giving it my all. I complain, I bitch and moan, I cheat on my diet, I take breaks when rolling, I stop when there's any pain, I don't push myself. I sit and watch people roll at open mat because "my head's just not in it" To say that I will be a champion at this rate is pathetic.

So the position I am now in is deciding whether this path is right for me. If not going to school in hopes to spend the next 10 years of my life devoted to being the best there is at this sport is even remotely possible. Why the fuck am I faced with this situation? When did Romulo, Braulio, Luanna, Lovato, Marcelo, all of them decide that this is what they were meant to do in life? How early on in their life did they stop fucking around and train to win? I'm faced with this now, and I'm either going to make it through or I'm going to figure out that I'm just meant to sit on the side lines and write about it. I really don't know.