I'd like to think that I've given this blog a level of vulnerability. Reading raw material with no intention of guiding the reader to feel a certain way towards the writer or the content is a rarity these days. I try not to hold anything back but then again it's not my diary so I need to have some kind of filter.

I'm still in a rut and I haven't found much love for training at the moment. I've been more interested in building my writing resume and attempting to earn some bucks so I can slave away at this desk job less. After Vegas, Romulo told me to go be a doctor. Okay, that sentence is kind of harsh when it's out of context. Every time I mention that I've got another writing job or lead in for my zine he says "Good, world champion writer." Sometimes it feels like he's telling me to pursue that instead of jiu jitsu champion and maybe he is and he's right. I need a back up plan and this is it.

I went up to San Francisco as a last minute trip for the hell of it last weekend. It was a really good, refreshing yet confusing trip. I made the decision to just let things happen as they will and put my agenda in the hands of the ones who ended up with me so to speak. I got to train and eat healthy food and just tag along with whatever the guys do over there. I spent some days in Stockton and given my hosts there, I wasn't too worried about getting shot, even at the bar!

However, I've been a pretty big nutcase since getting back. I can't really say why not because there's anything to hide but because I don't really know. The lives up there just seem better than the one I've got here and I never want to feel this way again. I never want to come home and feel like what I have here is not worthy of my time and effort but that's really how it is right now. I've been making it an effort to change some things so that I can have confidence in the choices I've made thus far, love the people that exist in my world and the opportunities that are actually available for me-- not the ones that were dangled in front of my face with no tangible way for me to chase them.

I'm competing in less than two weeks at the San Diego Trials. I've been drinking soda, eating a lot of baked goods and not training much. Yet I'm not worried. The less I stress, the better I feel. I don't have plans to meet up with anyone, I haven't asked anyone to coach me, I don't plan on having anyone to warm up with or even sit with. It's a test for me to be a real fighter and step up.

I also just made some business cards that look like the cover of a complete Throwdown discography. XXX

Check out my Caio Terra Interview on Budovideos if you get a chance.
http://www.budovideos.com/online/bjj-news/caio-terra-interview/
Assuming everything pans out, I'll have an article in two big magazines soon. And I'm also going to be famous one day, so if you're reading this, consider yourself an early fan. Thanks for reading.

Being a tool.