Trials, third try.

I've realized that writing here about anything other than jiu jitsu is pointless. And making this statement relieves me of catching you up with everything that has gone on in my life which would just be a bunch of junk despite a few changes.

A week after I came back from Lisbon I quit working at Cobrinha's. It made training feel like a job as well. Too much pressure. The same day I quit, I started school. And I quit school the same day. Also during that day, I got a call from a company saying they wanted to hire me for a paid internship. So I started school, then quit school, then quit my job, then got hired for a new one all in about a total of 5 hours. Talk about some changes.

Let's just say, my skin broke out a lot, my immune system took a hit and I got sick for 2 weeks. Stress is my worst enemy. However, I started training less which actually helped.

I am competing this weekend at the trials. I'm trying to think of competition like I used to. Last year I weighed in, ate a pizookie and drank a coke the night before my matches. I ended up doing better than I have my last two competitions. Maybe the magic is in the yummy, gooey, amazing half baked cookie. Who knows.

What I do know is that the match I had in the open weight finals was the most important match for my jiu jitsu journey. It was like a realization that I'm not horrible at jiu jitsu but also a tease. I was so close. I didn't deserve the trip and I didn't train as hard as my opponent. I don't know how I got there and I don't know how the match was as close as it was. A loss is a loss, though. And I lost the trip.

But it wasn't the trip itself that I wanted. I just wanted to be good enough for it. I watched the match over and over and over again for awhile after. This was during the time I was working at the travel agency so it made it easy for me to sit in my cubicle and stare at the video a few times a day. I hung the second place medal from my rear view mirror for months and months as a reminder for something, I'm not sure. Maybe to train more, maybe to have more confidence or maybe just to work on having a more aggressive game. Either way it was there for that depressing kind of motivation where you just don't want to be there in that situation again so you remind yourself to try not to be. You know, that situation where you're down by an advantage and doing god knows what in inverted guard not attempting anything but not really knowing why you're not doing much, and having your opponent scream her lungs out when the buzzer goes off and run and celebrate while you're still there...inverted...with your ass in the air.

This weekend is the anniversary of that time and I think I'm better. Training with a different team and living a different life. Have I matured? Have I gotten any better at competing? I'm not sure. I want it, though. And I know more jiu jitsu than I did before. I'm ready to just have fun with my team and do what I enjoy doing. I have totally forgotten that I enjoy competing because I've been too busy hating it because of panic attacks and crazy nerves. I like to put my jiu jitsu to the test. I like having an audience watch me play my jiu jitsu. I like meeting new people and I like winning. There's nothing better than winning a match. Except for pizookies... okay close second.