I have all I need

Training is long. This is the last week before Pan Ams. You sit back when you feel you have enough time to eat crap, skip training sessions, sleep in, and mentally rest before the preparation until you feel it. It's too late. You should have found the motivation a month ago but you were too content chillin' until that point where you need to train hard. "I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I indulge in this amazing donut." Except that panic you get when you realize it's two weeks away and that's not much time to change anything in your plans. It's a weird feeling but can be prevented if you force yourself to start even when you think it's too early. That donut can wait til after you've won all your matches.

There's a band called Gorilla Biscuits. It's one of those old hardcore bands that you have to claim to know if you want to be presumed as a real hardcore enthusiast. I faked that. I bought the CD and listened to it for a week but couldn't listen to it long enough to mark it down on my list of things to talk about when justifying my credibility in the scene. I'm pretty sure I just went back to listening to The Starting Line or something as equally as stereotypical of a 15 year old girl. The song I do remember, however, is "Start Today." It's weird that whenever I think of those words I think about that song. And whenever I have a thought in my head to either make a change in my life or try something new, I think of those words. I'd totally get it tattooed on my wrists but I didn't gain the credibility.

I think I started training for Pan Ams when I should have. When I could have. If I didn't have the trials to push me into this high gear then I never would have survived thus far. My life is only jiu jitsu. I don't see my mom and I don't watch Grey's Anatomy with her every Thursday night when I would normally skip out on class since it's usually no-gi. She even went to the market without me on Saturday when that's been our ritual ever since I can remember. I don't think of much else. I know a guy who twitches in his sleep quite often. Reluctantly to say, I'll go ahead and reveal that I know 2 guys who twitch in their sleep. Because they're dreaming of jiu jitsu. I thought it was really weird and I'd heard of people hip escaping in their beds to roll over which a lot of us do but having jiu jitsu cause you to twitch is weird-- until I started doing it. Sometimes it jerks me awake. When I dream I think about passing because it's been my focus. And sometimes you've gotta be explosive so I guess it makes sense.

The one thing I dislike about all this training is the loneliness. There is no real cure and in fact the temporary fixes are often detrimental and even hazardous. I rely on my teammates to keep me sane with their jokes and the lunches we have in between training sessions but when they leave and I'm left at the academy I feel like a puppy at a pound. I'm truly grateful for the people in my life. I went through a phase of not liking my teammates. I didn't feel a connection but since San Diego it's there. And if they read this, I'd like them to know how much I appreciate everything. The hugs when I need them, the jokes, the teasing, the sarcasm and the motivation to push past the mental blocks during rolling. Without you guys I'd be miserable and I never would be here where I am now.

Furthermore, this academy is my home. I am here more than I am at my house and I feel that I can do no wrong. When I leave I get into trouble whether its spending money or wasting time but when I'm here all of my choices are warranted. I am kept in line. When I worked here it felt more like a prison. People would come visit the academy and when everyone got to hang out together at the Grove, I'd be behind the desk. Although I'm not working or making money right now, it feels like I shouldn't be anywhere else. I thought I knew where I was going but once I made the choice to stay here in the gym it felt so comforting.

I have all I need.

Finally free.

I left the start-up. While I was assured a position and was unofficially moved from intern to full-time employee, the role never really stuck. They said I'd be full-time, have a set stipend and then in 2-3 months move to salary with insurance and making enough to move out of my parents' house and closer to the office in Santa Monica. It never really blossomed and I started hating what I was doing. What I thought would be a blogging/social media internship turned out to be a customer service internship. What I thought would be a full-time PR/Marketing position was really a full-time answer the phone, call people a lot position. Once it was determined that wasn't something I enjoyed at all, I opted out of being included in the role formation.

So I'm a full-time Cobrinha blue belt. I have no idea how long this will last or the likelihood that I'll be able to sustain this lifestyle through freelance writing yet but I'm willing to make a damn good attempt. Feels weird being at the academy all day again since that was how I started working there. They've since replaced me so now I'm back to being a bum. Driving the 26 miles back to my house isn't an option due to high gas prices so while every other jiu jitsu bum at the academy goes home to eat and rest in between training sessions, I find ways to be productive. Not a bad life, just will take some time to find the best ways I get my own things done without A.) spending money B.) wasting valuable time and C.) getting lonely.

I didn't plan it to be this way. I didn't tell myself to save up money and I didn't plan on leaving the start-up. I just didn't plan anything. After this past weekend at the San Diego Trials a lot changed in my head and I want to really try at something. I watch other jiu jitsu athletes find a way to make it work in order to train full-time and I couldn't keep up because I wanted something else. I watch my old high school friends graduating college and getting into top grad school while I haven't finished my B.A. yet. 

I've been reading this blog: www.blog.penelopetrunk.com I believe her advice is great and she makes me feel comfortable with past decision I've made. Not that I needed someone to tell me that, but it gives me patience.

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2003/08/26/3-things-to-teach-your-kids-so-they-succeed-in-life/

Here is where she speaks about how parents need to raise their children in order to have them succeed. I'm an adult and my mom raised me the way she wanted to but I believe this still applies to me given that I haven't fully left the coop yet. In my position now, it took passion and the risk taking in order for me to be able to work hard. 

In her mailbag Q&A someone asked her what they should do because they haven't committed to anything due to not being passionate about it. Mid-twenties, always trying something new and switching directions, not graduated from college because can't decide a major and working low-end jobs because of it. Sounds familiar! Well here was her answer.

"It’s very common to have no idea what you want to do in your adult life when you are in your mid-twenties. Think about it: You have spent most of your life in school, learning things that do not help you figure out adult life. So now you have had only three or four years to figure out how you want to be as an adult. That’s not very much time. You have about fifty more years of adult life. You have plenty of time to get a good plan.

Meanwhile, keep trying new things. The way you find something you want to stick with is to try a lot of things to figure out what you are passionate enough to stick with. There is no hard in trying 20 things and stopping them because you don’t like them. There is more harm in pretending to be fine with what you are doing because you think you SHOULD be fine.

You are not wasting time if you are learning about yourself. Are you learning from all the things you are doing and not sticking with? Then you’re okay. If you are not learning about yourself then you might be paralyzed by fear. And then you might need help — coaching to get some focus, or therapy to get some personal insight. But most people who are lost in their twenties are just fine.

Side note: It’s too bad parents don’t warn kids, as they are growing up, that one’s twenties is a time for being lost.

Penelope"

I lost my first match at Abu Dhabi Trials due to ref's decision. The next day was my last day working and now I'm here. My mom's freaking out. I have a speeding ticket to pay, academy dues, gas, car insurance and registration and many other things to pay for but I just don't care. If I'm doing what I feel I need to do then it's right because I never, ever feel this certain that I am where I am meant to be.

Trials, third try.

I've realized that writing here about anything other than jiu jitsu is pointless. And making this statement relieves me of catching you up with everything that has gone on in my life which would just be a bunch of junk despite a few changes.

A week after I came back from Lisbon I quit working at Cobrinha's. It made training feel like a job as well. Too much pressure. The same day I quit, I started school. And I quit school the same day. Also during that day, I got a call from a company saying they wanted to hire me for a paid internship. So I started school, then quit school, then quit my job, then got hired for a new one all in about a total of 5 hours. Talk about some changes.

Let's just say, my skin broke out a lot, my immune system took a hit and I got sick for 2 weeks. Stress is my worst enemy. However, I started training less which actually helped.

I am competing this weekend at the trials. I'm trying to think of competition like I used to. Last year I weighed in, ate a pizookie and drank a coke the night before my matches. I ended up doing better than I have my last two competitions. Maybe the magic is in the yummy, gooey, amazing half baked cookie. Who knows.

What I do know is that the match I had in the open weight finals was the most important match for my jiu jitsu journey. It was like a realization that I'm not horrible at jiu jitsu but also a tease. I was so close. I didn't deserve the trip and I didn't train as hard as my opponent. I don't know how I got there and I don't know how the match was as close as it was. A loss is a loss, though. And I lost the trip.

But it wasn't the trip itself that I wanted. I just wanted to be good enough for it. I watched the match over and over and over again for awhile after. This was during the time I was working at the travel agency so it made it easy for me to sit in my cubicle and stare at the video a few times a day. I hung the second place medal from my rear view mirror for months and months as a reminder for something, I'm not sure. Maybe to train more, maybe to have more confidence or maybe just to work on having a more aggressive game. Either way it was there for that depressing kind of motivation where you just don't want to be there in that situation again so you remind yourself to try not to be. You know, that situation where you're down by an advantage and doing god knows what in inverted guard not attempting anything but not really knowing why you're not doing much, and having your opponent scream her lungs out when the buzzer goes off and run and celebrate while you're still there...inverted...with your ass in the air.

This weekend is the anniversary of that time and I think I'm better. Training with a different team and living a different life. Have I matured? Have I gotten any better at competing? I'm not sure. I want it, though. And I know more jiu jitsu than I did before. I'm ready to just have fun with my team and do what I enjoy doing. I have totally forgotten that I enjoy competing because I've been too busy hating it because of panic attacks and crazy nerves. I like to put my jiu jitsu to the test. I like having an audience watch me play my jiu jitsu. I like meeting new people and I like winning. There's nothing better than winning a match. Except for pizookies... okay close second.