Trials, third try.

I've realized that writing here about anything other than jiu jitsu is pointless. And making this statement relieves me of catching you up with everything that has gone on in my life which would just be a bunch of junk despite a few changes.

A week after I came back from Lisbon I quit working at Cobrinha's. It made training feel like a job as well. Too much pressure. The same day I quit, I started school. And I quit school the same day. Also during that day, I got a call from a company saying they wanted to hire me for a paid internship. So I started school, then quit school, then quit my job, then got hired for a new one all in about a total of 5 hours. Talk about some changes.

Let's just say, my skin broke out a lot, my immune system took a hit and I got sick for 2 weeks. Stress is my worst enemy. However, I started training less which actually helped.

I am competing this weekend at the trials. I'm trying to think of competition like I used to. Last year I weighed in, ate a pizookie and drank a coke the night before my matches. I ended up doing better than I have my last two competitions. Maybe the magic is in the yummy, gooey, amazing half baked cookie. Who knows.

What I do know is that the match I had in the open weight finals was the most important match for my jiu jitsu journey. It was like a realization that I'm not horrible at jiu jitsu but also a tease. I was so close. I didn't deserve the trip and I didn't train as hard as my opponent. I don't know how I got there and I don't know how the match was as close as it was. A loss is a loss, though. And I lost the trip.

But it wasn't the trip itself that I wanted. I just wanted to be good enough for it. I watched the match over and over and over again for awhile after. This was during the time I was working at the travel agency so it made it easy for me to sit in my cubicle and stare at the video a few times a day. I hung the second place medal from my rear view mirror for months and months as a reminder for something, I'm not sure. Maybe to train more, maybe to have more confidence or maybe just to work on having a more aggressive game. Either way it was there for that depressing kind of motivation where you just don't want to be there in that situation again so you remind yourself to try not to be. You know, that situation where you're down by an advantage and doing god knows what in inverted guard not attempting anything but not really knowing why you're not doing much, and having your opponent scream her lungs out when the buzzer goes off and run and celebrate while you're still there...inverted...with your ass in the air.

This weekend is the anniversary of that time and I think I'm better. Training with a different team and living a different life. Have I matured? Have I gotten any better at competing? I'm not sure. I want it, though. And I know more jiu jitsu than I did before. I'm ready to just have fun with my team and do what I enjoy doing. I have totally forgotten that I enjoy competing because I've been too busy hating it because of panic attacks and crazy nerves. I like to put my jiu jitsu to the test. I like having an audience watch me play my jiu jitsu. I like meeting new people and I like winning. There's nothing better than winning a match. Except for pizookies... okay close second.

I don't think it's common for a jiu jitsu athlete to be so sensitive. There's a large level of mental toughness that is required and that's something that I just don't have. Or maybe it's not toughness at all.

The best athletes are those who take nothing personal. They win or they lose, they keep moving on. They keep working hard. They go to practice every day the same way. They do not let outside sources affect the way they train, prepare and perform. I am not like this.

I struggled to get to Europe for the Europeans and I made it. I got through an ugly ulcer in my throat and I got through a car accident that totaled my car a week before my departure. Not asking for a congratulations but it was worth noting that I had enough passion to fight through everything and still get here no matter how much debt I'd be in or how unprepared in my training I might have felt due to having to get a new car, missing a week of work and not training much. 

And then when I got to Europe I lost my first match.

I haven't enjoyed training in awhile. Stepping on the mat feels like a job and I am constantly watching the clock through out class time waiting for the chance to stop. 

I have no career, I have no degree, I have no career goals and I am tired of not knowing where I am going despite my constant evaluations of my life. The only thing I have become good at is knowing what I don't or can't do which is a lot. 

Thinking back, the only real time I felt like I was doing something that I was meant to do was when I was creating my zine. No one could tell me I was doing something wrong. No one could tell me how much money to spend on it, how much time to spend on it or how much of a waste of time it was because I knew that I enjoyed every second of it. It was a chance for me to create something solely and completely by myself that truly represented what I was capable of. It was mine. I have never felt that way about jiu jitsu or anything else so I think it's time to go back to that.

As for my match, I gassed out. I had more anxiety than anything I had felt before and without anything to calm me down I went on the mat and competed like complete shit. I couldn't establish my guard, I got passed, I recovered but couldn't keep it. My opponent got mount at the end and that was it. It took awhile to recover and I wanted to puke. I hated every second of being there. I wouldn't do it again if you paid me $10,000. This is not just a match that I lost and that will be avenged by some hard training on the mat what I get home. This is not a case of nerves or just a bad day. I have had those.

Whatever I choose to do when I get home has nothing to do with anything but my lack of passion. It has nothing to do with a bruised ego. It has nothing to do with being a sore loser. I don't care about the match, I care about doing what I love, setting long term life goals and being happy.

Europe has been an amazing trip and I have learned a lot so far. I knew that just my being here would be a huge accomplishment and it was. I can't wait to come back.

It's really hard to leave this blog alone for a large chunk of time and then come back to it with something clear to write about. I've been a hermit for the past 6 months and especially the last couple. My holiday season was whatever. I don't think it was fun or nice or refreshing or relaxing. There was no great family time or good relaxation. In fact, all of my relaxation time was spent doing something and then immediately feeling guilty about it right after because it wasn't conducive to my goals and current should-be lifestyle. I feel like a damn catholic. 

Jiu jitsu may be an individual sport but it takes a team to make a great competitor. It takes support to reach goals. Part of competition training is having a team that will endure everything together and help each other achieve goals and being positive. I'm not talking about speeches about what we should be doing in general, things that are told to us where we feel as far as removed from it as if you just told me to relate my life to kids in Africa. It just doesn't apply. There needs to be a personal level, personal motivation and an overall interest in other teammates' goals. 

A huge thing I've noticed is the presence of shame and guilt in the training regiments. If you don't train, you're led to believe that you have just costed yourself the gold. You just let yourself down. Shame on you. If this is the case, then I don't want to train at all. The presence of negative reinforcement is there even if you don't see it. It's there. The speeches are about positivity but the behavior is negative. Let me place shame on you just because you ate a cookie or you didn't train one class. I think it creates a very negative environment and a place where training super hard and feeling like you're in hell is just not conducive. And training should be hard. Harder than the competition. But if I don't feel the progress or feel the worth in my hell of a training session, it's hard to feel motivated enough to do it 2 times a day.

I leave next week for Europeans and I feel like the last person who should be going to another country to represent my team. I tried to spare myself of that lingering mentality that I need to be training harder than everyone right now and I need to be more focused than anyone but instead I created a challenge for myself that has actually interrupted my focus. I don't feel ready but I never do. Unfortunately I've invested a lot of money for this experience and I wish I could still consider it as such-- an experience that I will always remember. Yes my goal is to win but I also will learn either way and gain knowledge from my first time traveling out of the country. Alone, even. And that should be enough but it's not.

Equality in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

I want to shed light on a topic that is easily over-looked or stuffed under the rug. Not swept, stuffed. Shoved. Crammed. There is a gender inequality that exists in jiu jitsu and for whatever reason, it's acceptable and sometimes dismissed. It is often over-looked because of various reasons I've stated below. I want to bring an awareness not to the tip of the iceberg but rather the very foundation of why it exists. This can be applied to many different aspects of life but with jiu jitsu still considered a culture, and a "small world," we can work to change it now.

The existence of girls training jiu jitsu has brought on so many different opinions and issues that it's like beating a dead horse. Most think of it as a situation that won't change anytime soon but I beg to differ. There are so many inner problems at work here and because of this, the progression of females in the sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is at stake.

There are three reasons that patriarchy (yes, that is what is in play here) exists and is maintained:
1) It is routine and taken advantage of. The roles of women in general are that of an essentialist view in which they are considered innately maternal, motherly, sensitive, nurturing, weak and submissive. While there have been some changes in the last two examples, it is still an ingrained image we have of females. On the contrary, men are strong, dominant, in control and fearless. For this, jiu jitsu is the perfect outlet for those characters who are playing the role of dominance, control and in the case of mma, violence. By men participating in jiu jitsu they are simply performing their role. When women train jiu jitsu, we are going against the very ideals of our suggested roles. And since our roles help determine our sense of self, it's hard to place ourselves in the world of jiu jitsu where we are challenged and outside of our comfort zone. We put ourselves in a place where others see we don't belong. There are reasons that women aren't as accepted on the mat but we can't always express why and so because it is such a routine idea with a messed up gender message, no one wants to stir up controversy by admitting it exists.

To further this example, as my professor made note of, Pepe' Le Pew is a sex offender. I bet you never thought of him as that BUT anyone who did would be considered uptight and not able to take jokes or make light of anything.

2) Force. Given that one would speak up about the issue of women not gaining the same respect in jiu jitsu, there'd be a ton of flack caught for it . So because someone fears being victimized as a result of their opposing position, they choose not to speak up or demand change.

3) Ideology. Another reason there is no change is because the idea that it is "the way that it's supposed to be." Let's not make note of the issue, speak up about it, challenge it, or try to challenge it because that's just how it is.

My purpose of talking about this is because although there are less serious issues such as getting blamed for looking like a girl when we step into the gym as if we're attempting to be a distraction, there are more serious instances like the fact that there are very little sponsorships available for the dedicated, competitive, successful women in the sport. While the major companies are supporting the few world champions, there is little to no exposure for the women making their way up the ranks. Currently there is a consistent amount of media surrounding the "young guns" for males whether they're juveniles or blue belts to brown belts. The women, regardless of being the teammates of those guys who have helped them prepare for their wins, or have competed in more tournaments than most guys, have little recognition.

No company wants to be the one that markets to the girls. No company has faith in the existence of girls in the sport and to some extent, there are people who refuse to accept them into the higher ranks at all.

This system and way of thinking needs to change. There are plenty of females in the sport who must be taken seriously. Regardless of the notions that girls get into training for the sake of meeting a mate, we can't shun all of them or exclude them especially those that compete and train consistently.

My hope is that we can gain some more notoriety in the community, gather more faith in us that we are truly in it for the right reasons, that we are not a nuisance and that we become seen as equal with the same amount of respect and opportunities that are given to the boys.

This is not a cry for myself to be recognized or a complaint because I can't get support when I need it. It is a cry for all the inspiring, tough women who put in the hours, blood, sweat, and I'm sure many tears, who deserve to be accepted and revered. It is a push for you to challenge what exists. If you can accept that it's an issue then congratulations. If you can help support the women and aid in the advancement of our sport in this area, then hats off to you and thanks.

As always, a lot has changed. It’s hard to maintain this blog when things aren’t going as well as I’d like. I always feel as though I am in the middle of change and that I need to solve the issues at hand before reporting them or putting them into concrete words like on this blog. I guess I’ve been undergoing a lot of transformations that question the very name of this blog. It’s crazy that I still am not sure of what my legacy will be or why I will be a legacy or what will be remembered of me.

This is what I know about me right now. I am a college student. As much as I hate to say that as if it’s the main priority (because it should be,) it describes me the best. To say I am a college student implies that I am in the works of my later life. As if I’m allowed to be lost, confused and naively excited or depressed about my future. Yup, COLLEGE STUDENT, that’s me. Before I reenrolled this semester, I didn’t have that excuse. But hey, now I’m good. I am currently employed by my jiu jitsu professor. I was laid off late September. It was a shock and it wasn’t. I was ready to leave. Hell, I was ready to run from that place. I was rotting fast. And so one day I was called into a meeting begrudgingly and saw that it was packed with various people from other departments. This wasn’t abnormal considering we often had “sales training” where companies that we sell come in to babble about their products so we sell them more over others. I went to those because I had to but only came out of them with some free food or new pens/hilighters. This one time I got a whole chocolate bar from Ecuador. So we’re all packed in this conference room, the same room I spent my first three weeks at the company learning the programs I’d later despise. Three weeks of training for that job. The vice President looks sad. The human resources manager who I disliked goes ahead and flat out says, “We’re restructuring the company and unfortunately your positions are no longer needed.” Suddenly I was tearing up. I examined every single person’s face. They were all blank. They didn’t look shocked or stunned or upset or angry or worried. They just sat there. For some reason I get really sad when others suffer. Regardless of the fact that these people, who have worked here for decades, didn’t look very upset, I know that they were at that moment, losing their whole life. Here I am, the youngest person at the company now working part time, ready to move on anyway, balling up in tears for these people I despised. I hated them for being so satisfied with this job. It was their everything. Besides a family for some, these people woke up every day to come to this boring, restraining office full of cubicles and weird people talking about their kids all day. This was their excitement and driving force and it was gone. I left barely able to stop myself from crying and then I went to train.

The following days I was at the academy every day all day. Given that I live 26 miles from the academy, it didn’t make sense to leave and come back for the night classes so I lingered and made it home. Soon I was approached by Cobrinha and his wife with a proposal for a job at the academy. Funny how things fall into place. I knew the lay off was a blessing in disguise, I just didn’t know how yet. Here it is.

I’m currently on a plane home from Atlanta. I need a nice vacation away to see my favorite person. While I was there, Jordon was competing in a Grappler’s Quest and I decided to sign up since it was free for women. I ended up getting second in advanced no gi, second in advanced no gi open (after getting kimura-ed in 9 seconds by an Alliance teammate) and first in gi. I hadn’t competed since I was submitted my first match at Nationals. It takes a lot out of me when I lose. While I was right on in Vegas, I couldn’t get my shit together for Nationals and ended up being armbarred by a girl I had beat in Vegas. I hate relying on “good days” and chalking up every loss to a “bad day.” There’s got to be a better way to control it and I haven’t figured that out yet. I sound really fuckin’ dumb when I talk about it because I am still a noob but regardless, it is plaguing my results now.

Overall, I’m a writer, a student, a crocheter, and now a marketer? I’m still writing articles for various outlets. I’m crocheting beanies that are for sale for $20 (+ shipping when applicable) and slowly working on my zine. What’s important is that I am constantly working towards something. I am always pushing forward, ignoring negative people, ignoring those that are in my way. Buy a beanie. Bye.

Not long ago, I was laid off and searching for jobs on craigslist. I was in a hurry with the constant reminder from my parents that my car insurance would be due and the severance check I received would wear out especially with my jiu jitsu hobby. I came up on an ad for a Sports Injury Center nearby that was looking for an office admin to assist with physical therapy and such. It had just been posted and said to apply in person so I woke up early the next day and drove down there. I was interviewed on the spot and got the job.

 Basically, the guy was creepy, he talked shit about people behind their backs, constantly controlled every aspect of his "girls," and his whole mode was "let me hire fit-looking girls and just have them do everything ever but not pay them a lot cause it's not like they have any real qualifications to be doing physical therapy but I'll make them think there's plenty of room for advancement and that what they're learning is valuable and that I really do care about them." I did laundry, put e-stim on people, faked that I knew what was wrong with the patients under his orders, cleaned, managed insurance billing, managed inventory, did customer service, the whole shabang. It got to the point that he was texting and calling me to talk about work on my off-days or when I had just left the office to say, "What should we do about the patient who's insurance isn't paying? He's totally a doofus, huh!?" And when I finally told him that I wasn't being paid enough to be constantly working even when I'm not at the office, he "demoted" me. Not long after I came in with a letter stating I was quitting and instead of talking to me in person, he had the new lady up front make sure I had a real signed letter and tell me that he "thanks me."

I think that was enough background for my intended story. One of his biggest clients (among the Disney execs, Ray J and Jermaine Jackson's wife) was this big ole gangster dude who apparently is Mayweather's promoter and sponsored people/girls and knew producers and had the inside scoop and knew the right people. After "Doc," as he was called, constantly bragged that I trained jiu jitsu to his patients and adamantly referred to me as "judo girl," this guy became interested telling me he'd sponsor me. I didn't actually believe him until I told him I was competing in Vegas for the 2010 Vegas Open and he came in one day and threw a hundred dollar bill onto the desk. He gave me his number, which was a voicemail only phone line. In order to get ahold of him, you had to call and leave a message. Then when he called back on a private number, you had to make sure you answered it since there was no way of calling him back directly. There was another girl in the office that had just started who was some weird chick aspiring to me a boxer/singer or something. She had an album from years before and this guy was inquiring to her, too. He was even helping the main bodybuilder dude in the gym get to Nationals or something. I knew he was legit in some form given that he was legitimately helping these other people achieve their goals.

So the next step after I got back from Vegas was to meet him at T.G.I.Friday's. He showed up with some other basketball model girl and other people kept showing up. Other girls that were either successful or getting there. Then the big dudes kept coming. Producers and the like. One guy had produced Christina Aguilera's albums among other names and the girl sitting next to me mentioned she was a singer and he had her singing on the spot. She was eating up the attention and I was sitting there, the only white person at the table feeling like I needed to get the fuck out. Nothing was really discussed but he asked if I had a bank account, needed my training fees covered, what I wanted from him and I left with it being pretty open ended but knew I'd be seeing him at the office. While no major promises were made, he was showing off his connections or something.

 The next time he hit me up I met him to get dinner again. I figured that he was picking me up from where he told me to meet him so that we could meet up with another shitload of people. When we got to driving, we ended up at Chart House in Malibu. Just the two of us. As we had dinner he insisted on asking why I had never questioned his intentions or wanted to know more about him. He also wanted to know, again, what I wanted from him. The conversation was seriously awkward but I refused to believe it was the worst situation. I had proof this guy was real and enjoyed putting his money where he saw it would blossom. Why would I be any different? He proceeded to tell me that I just "have something about me" and I'm "unique" and "unlike all the other girls." He asked if I had bills that I needed paid and what I was willing to do in return. He wanted to be my sugar daddy. I played the dumb card and he tried hinting more and more. I finally just said I wasn't into that and he took me back to my car.

 I  at first refused to believe that I was being hit up to do sexual favors in exchange for being taken care of financially because I was looking for some sponsor to throw hundred dollar bills at me when I have a competition coming up. It was the most awkward situation I've ever been put into and at least now I know what I can kind of expect when someone's intent isn't true. At this point the only sponsor I'd be willing to have is Koral and for that, I've gotta bust my ass and win some world championships. Two (or many) goals in one as I see it and I am in no way in search of shortcuts to success, the easy way out, or an excuse to avoid hard work. The guy may have known Tupac and partied with him in the back room at the very restaurant he took me to, but sexually pleasing a 50-something fat worn out "producer" would be the last thing on my list of things I would do if my only choice was that or suicide. Nothing is that easy. Unless you sell your soul.

I never intended this blog to be anything more than a typical training/competition log for my jiu jitsu life but it has turned into a diary of my endeavor in life as a whole. My trials and tribulations have not only to do with my injuries and losses but also my low tolerance levels for travel agents and my lack of motivation to write among other things. Through writing this blog I've really been able to find that writing is a huge passion of mine. Sharing the thoughts in my head and having people read them is satisfying beyond belief.

Like my preface in the original post of this blog, I have no credibility under my belt as a writer. Looking back, I took a liking to it growing up but I have no real story to tell. I don't have a degree, I didn't live through a heartfelt tragedy. I hold no moral codes or hidden truths. But I do feel that I can write.

Tonight I saw the movie The Help. It's about racial discrimination and a young woman determined to expose the life and perspectives of the black maids in the south back in the 1960s. It made me laugh and it made me cry but the best part was Emma Stone's role of a passionate, driven, unique-minded individual with the ability to write. By watching this, I know that I not only want to write for a living but I want to write a book that will make people feel and perhaps expose them to a reality or relate to me on a personal level.

Maybe I had a hard time getting people to listen to me as a child and that's the reason for my constant urge to splurge out my thoughts on a regular basis. I may talk about other people sometimes or constantly joke or even complain a lot but the intuition I hold and the ability I have to put my thoughts down in concrete form can and will get me far. Believe it or not, I have "shit" to say. When Romulo told me to go be a writer after seeing how excited and motivated I was about my zine's first issue, I was offended. I was upset from a loss and putting all of this weight on my shoulders to be undefeated early on. I took it as if he was telling me to give up on jiu jitsu and move on to this new direction I was taking but I understand it a little better now. Sure, I can compete in jiu jitsu but my true "thing", my niche is in writing. I'm an emotional person and in fact, the more sensitive I am to a subject whether it be anger, sadness guilt or sympathy, etc, the better I write. Research papers are not my forte. Opinions are. That's worth somethin', right?