I'd like to think that I've given this blog a level of vulnerability. Reading raw material with no intention of guiding the reader to feel a certain way towards the writer or the content is a rarity these days. I try not to hold anything back but then again it's not my diary so I need to have some kind of filter.

I'm still in a rut and I haven't found much love for training at the moment. I've been more interested in building my writing resume and attempting to earn some bucks so I can slave away at this desk job less. After Vegas, Romulo told me to go be a doctor. Okay, that sentence is kind of harsh when it's out of context. Every time I mention that I've got another writing job or lead in for my zine he says "Good, world champion writer." Sometimes it feels like he's telling me to pursue that instead of jiu jitsu champion and maybe he is and he's right. I need a back up plan and this is it.

I went up to San Francisco as a last minute trip for the hell of it last weekend. It was a really good, refreshing yet confusing trip. I made the decision to just let things happen as they will and put my agenda in the hands of the ones who ended up with me so to speak. I got to train and eat healthy food and just tag along with whatever the guys do over there. I spent some days in Stockton and given my hosts there, I wasn't too worried about getting shot, even at the bar!

However, I've been a pretty big nutcase since getting back. I can't really say why not because there's anything to hide but because I don't really know. The lives up there just seem better than the one I've got here and I never want to feel this way again. I never want to come home and feel like what I have here is not worthy of my time and effort but that's really how it is right now. I've been making it an effort to change some things so that I can have confidence in the choices I've made thus far, love the people that exist in my world and the opportunities that are actually available for me-- not the ones that were dangled in front of my face with no tangible way for me to chase them.

I'm competing in less than two weeks at the San Diego Trials. I've been drinking soda, eating a lot of baked goods and not training much. Yet I'm not worried. The less I stress, the better I feel. I don't have plans to meet up with anyone, I haven't asked anyone to coach me, I don't plan on having anyone to warm up with or even sit with. It's a test for me to be a real fighter and step up.

I also just made some business cards that look like the cover of a complete Throwdown discography. XXX

Check out my Caio Terra Interview on Budovideos if you get a chance.
http://www.budovideos.com/online/bjj-news/caio-terra-interview/
Assuming everything pans out, I'll have an article in two big magazines soon. And I'm also going to be famous one day, so if you're reading this, consider yourself an early fan. Thanks for reading.

Being a tool.

Everything in jiu jitsu has come very fast for me. Much like in the honors programs in grade school, I have taken the faster route. The only difference is that I wasn't placed in this position, I put myself here-- or so I believe. I gave myself high standards, I committed to this aspect of the sport. At a year and 5 months of my jiu jitsu journey, I am faced with huge questions, decisions and issues. All I know is that I don't think this is "normal."

The first time I even saw jiu jitsu, I had a huge interest. In 2008 I was brought into the scene at Pan Ams. Let's call it fate. Whatever it was, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I immediately asked to see some women's matches. And after I saw it before my eyes, I was sold. It took me a long time to get the confidence to enter a gym. I wasn't an athlete. I had never played a sport. I rode horses but I hated running (I still do) and I never placed any importance on physical activity whatsoever. With those circumstances holding me back it was also the money, the commitment and just plain social anxiety. I didn't walk into the gym until over a year later. But as soon as I did, I signed a 2 year contract right after my very first class. I've always dealt with finding productive activities to do with my time as well as keeping stable in my mental state. I had just come off a voluntary drug trial for general anxiety disorder. My life was a mess until I found jiu jitsu. I signed that paper so fast I never even gave myself time to think of what I had just done. Somehow I was going to manage working 36 hours a week and going to college full time and training. And I did.

After three months there was talk about a tournament. With my first exposure to bjj being at a competition, I knew it was where I wanted to go with my hobby. I ran around asking everyone about it, asking how to sign up, what it was all about. I even asked if I was allowed, if I was good enough, if it was in my best interest. With Romulo being my professor but not quite someone I really even knew, I went up to him and said "Professor, can I compete in a tournament!?" He simply said, "yeah!" and of course I went, "but I mean, like, do you think I could do it!?" "Sure" And I went and used the office computer to sign up.

My first tournament is always referenced due to the girls in my division still being active in the scene today. I actually just fought 2 of them this weekend at Abu Dhabi Trials. I won my first match that weekend and I'm not even sure how. I was so happy. I lost my next match but I had still gotten a medal. I went home and posted about it on facebook right away with a picture of me, my medal a huge gi burn on my nose and a smile. It opened up so many doors for me. This was it.

I entered more tournaments, I won some, I lost some, I trained a lot. By the time I was even a 2 stripe white belt I was training up to 8-9 times a week. I was training at other academies through people I had met, I was setting goals, stripping my life of circumstances that would limit my ability to train. I can't tell you when it happened and I can't tell you why but I became hooked not because I enjoyed every second of it or because it was just so much fun. I made jiu jitsu a huge priority because it's what keeps me sane, gives my life worth and gives me a feeling that I can actually succeed at something.


Jiu jitsu is something I take very seriously. You probably wouldn't be able to tell by how I am on the mats or how I live my life. This is a really hard blog post to make. I'm really not finding the words I need to say. Basically, this past weekend was one of the worst feelings of my life. I don't train as hard as I need to, I don't take things as seriously as I need to, I don't work hard enough. My professor works harder than any single person I've ever met. What I do with jiu jitsu compared to him as a joke. It doesn't matter that I'm only a blue belt. I make him look like his life is just a hobby. For what he sacrifices, I have sacrificed nothing. I want to be a black belt champion. I want to be the best at this sport. At one point I thought I could. Up until this weekend I thought I was giving it my all. I complain, I bitch and moan, I cheat on my diet, I take breaks when rolling, I stop when there's any pain, I don't push myself. I sit and watch people roll at open mat because "my head's just not in it" To say that I will be a champion at this rate is pathetic.

So the position I am now in is deciding whether this path is right for me. If not going to school in hopes to spend the next 10 years of my life devoted to being the best there is at this sport is even remotely possible. Why the fuck am I faced with this situation? When did Romulo, Braulio, Luanna, Lovato, Marcelo, all of them decide that this is what they were meant to do in life? How early on in their life did they stop fucking around and train to win? I'm faced with this now, and I'm either going to make it through or I'm going to figure out that I'm just meant to sit on the side lines and write about it. I really don't know.

A day in the life

Since this new year has begun, I have been one busy girl. With the trials coming up, my new job and getting my zine more known, I have barely had any time to.....breathe? see my friends? clean my room? pay my car insurance? fix my car? have any kind of social life?.....nah, no time to be unhappy. Given that I will find any reason to bitch and moan about my current circumstances, this year so far is a blessing. This job is a blessing, my zine and jiu jitsu. (Among many many different other things like my momma.)

Every week I work 40 hours. I train with my team on Monday nights, Wednesday nights and Saturdays. I've implemented a work out training with my friend Rebecca on so far every Tuesday and hopefully Thursday. Fridays I go into work an hour early so I have enough time after to get down to Irvine through the Friday traffic to train in the advanced Women's class and also catch the last half hour of no-gi sparring upstairs. Sundays I make another trek to Orange County to train the open mat at Ralph Gracie.

In between calls at work I: email different companies and academies to distribute my zine. I post in three separate forums and manage the "clients" I receive from each. I post in my facebook page and ask people (even those on my friend list who don't even know what bjj is) to like my page along with those who have a huge friend-base full of bjj lovers to post the fan page on their walls. I manage conversations to athletes for their quotes to be entered in the next zine along with the Luanna Alzuguir interview which is finally finished! (So excited) I write on the envelopes all the addresses to be shipped and stuff the few copies of zines in them. I mark down every contact/address I have in my pronotes book. I make a dot on my printed out U.S. map to mark each state I have contacts/distributors in so I can keep track of how well it is being spread. I write down the ideas/research the topics I'm writing for my next zine. Email/call copying places to request quotes for a bulk order.

I am at the post office at least once or twice a week. I am at kinkos about every week. I have received no donations and I am still doing everything out of my own pocket. I researched business plans and whatnot but that would be getting way too ahead of myself. I've gotten in contact with Budo Videos and they like the zine. Still working out plans and deals in order for them to put one of my zines in each order they send out.

I'm competing this weekend in the Grappling X tournament in Long Beach. I've been dieting and taking antibiotics. Tonight is the last night and I am still nasally/congested with a cough and no end in sight.

But I'd have to say that every morning I wake up, despite being tired and grumpy, I am stoked for what the day has to offer. As simple as you might think it is to be able to mentally prepare yourself for each day, it is not an easy task that I've ever been able to accomplish. I go to sleep at night (not without checking/responding to my emails, finishing up touches on the zine, etc) feeling tired and somewhat stressed but feeling like I did it right. I used this day wisely and I feel productive. I think that's what most of us ask for and I'm hoping it lasts. Gooooodnight.

P.S. Imagine me rambling this off to you as if I'm being timed on a game show. That should give it the full effect.

the juice is worth the squeeze

Jiu jitsu has plagued me with ailments, unknown scars and markings on my body constantly, a collection of pain meds/old antibiotics in my medicine cabinet, a maxed out credit card, buff arms that never fit right into nice cute tops with sleeves, medical bills, reason to work full time and not go back to school for now, constant laundry, lack of focus towards other important obligations in life, less of a social life, less time in my days, my hair going bald giving me reason to shave my head, dudes asking me "so ur a fighter? that's intimidating lol," and many many extra milage on my car. It's funny that a martial art/sport could change my life so much. And that everything I have "endured" so to speak so far has been completely and entirely justified due to the positive aspects. Not only did I find a hobby and a passion, I found a productive, healthy and truly inspiring way to define myself. I'm no longer just a college student. a little blonde girl, a 21-year old with no direction. I'm a jiu jitsu fighter. I find meaning in my life that is defined by training and fighting to the best of my ability in competitions. Competitions that will one day be the epitome of my life accomplishments. I have plans to not only earn a black belt but be the best female practitioner at every belt rank until then. I want to test my abilities in tournaments, teach others what I know, live my life knowing I have something worth living for and train hard all the time. I will be a champion one day. And even though that may never be enough, there is always room for improvement and ways I can incorporate jiu jitsu into my life. I'm young, I'm not tied down and I have time and the ability to dedicate my life to this sport. What a crazy thing to say.

P.s. Here's a picture after my first jiu jitsu class in which I posted on Facebook with the caption: "Hey body, you suck." hahaha

Tis the season!

I haven't updated in awhile due to starting a new job, becoming more and more broke, complaining about being broke, stepping up my training, and the holiday season in general. Let's backtrack!

I was starting to attend the instructor's class in the mornings on Mondays down at Gracie Barra Headquarters. I would drive my two hours to get there, stay the day in OC and train at Ralph Gracie at night. It worked until I started my new job. I also was able to attend 2 of the new Women's Advanced classes before work ate up my schedule. Before those classes I had never rolled with that many girls before, and no girls that were purple and up besides Mackenzie. Two training partners Amanda and Kelly just received their purple belts (and a new friend Angy who I've yet to roll with) and I'm super stoked for them. They both compete (I've actually competed against Kelly at Nationals) and they help my game. I've also gotten to roll with Ana Laura Cordeiro twice and it's an honor. Female black belts in my eyes are holy...seriously. There's a couple videos of a collage from the classes I might post. I'll think about it. In one of them it shows me rolling with Kelly where I do this WEIRD thing for an unknown reason. I always take time to wipe my nose. Like how homie dawgs flick their noses with their thumbs, I find myself releasing my grips so that I can nonchalantly wipe my nose with my finger. I swear I'm not wiping my boogers and I don't necessarily have an itch because that's usually the case, I just do it while rolling and thinking. Like "yeah, I got this." It's really embarrassing that it's shown in the video. /blush.

In other news, I'm all signed up for the Abu Dhabi Pro Trials in Las Vegas on Jan. 29th. I have not fought in a more important competition than this. If I win the gi absolute division I get a fully paid travel package to compete at Abu Dhabi World Cup in April.....Let me write that again. Fully paid airfare, hotel, food, transportation, everything to compete in the United Emirates. You know, where there's man made islands shaped like huge palm trees? Yeah? Fudge, I want it so bad. I signed up to fight no gi in my weight division and absolute along with gi in my weight division and absolute. I'll be fighting only white belts and blue belts. I cannot wait. I've been training strength and conditioning and training hard. After the holidays I will definitely step it up and my work schedule will be more permanent. That will be the only thing I care about until that date. Nothing would mean more to me at this point than winning those trials. EESH.

Finally, I did an interview with Edwin and posted it on On The Mat since I'm a writer for them now. I'm an ass and haven't been writing on there like I should. So here's that link: http://www.onthemat.com/blogs-posts/interview-edwin-young-assasin-najmi

P.S. My zines are on 3 continents, and about 5 states. Sending out more to 3 more states as well. I want this thing spread like herp--wildfire! Get on it!

P.S.S. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

Arizona, Anaheim, Irvine

Two weeks ago I was sitting at home on a Sunday being lazy and trying to get a photoshoot together when I got a text from my teammate asking me if I wanted to go to Arizona and train at Megaton's since that is his academy when he goes back home on the weekends. I didn't put much thought into it before I decided to watch some more 16 and Pregnant, eat more cookies, finally take a shower, pack my things and get a rise to meet him.

The following morning I met up with Mackenzie Dern to have a private. I can speak volumes of this girl and not that she needs the vouching, but she knows her stuff. We rolled and took turns passing guard and she stopped me whenever she saw an obvious flaw in my game. I learned a nifty grip break, an armbar from 50/50, a simple x guard sweep, two singles, an awesome secret throw, a new way to pass guard and lots of little details. I was actually afraid I wasn't going to remember it all! It was a great experience and I think the best part was when she had me do a technical stand-up and she went "its not surfing!!" Considering who her dad is, that's a very very watered down version of what he would say.

That night I took the beginner's class and ended up making a total buffoon of myself. The warm up at that academy is way different than anything I'd ever done, not to mention tough. I felt like it was my first time on the mat at some army boot camp! I got beat with a stick and my blonde hair came into play with a dummy joke from Megaton-- hey, not the first time. By the time open mat came around I barely had enough energy to roll. A real good juvenile blue belt Isaac kicked my ass and handed it to me. He wins adult divisions and trains hard so I GUESS the ass whooping was understandable.... All around a good trip.

Recently since I'm in between jobs I've been coming (I say coming instead of going because I'm currently sitting in Irvine) to the OC to train at Gracie Barra Headquarters and Ralph Gracie Anaheim. I've trained in the instructor's class twice now in Irvine and I'm surprised I survived. 6-8 black belts on the mat, it's a blessing. Anaheim being my second home continues to provide great training for me and as always a really fun and great group to be around. (Awwwww)

My first zine has been doing okay. I recently sent out some copies to Denver, Missouri, Boston, England, Canada, Brazil and Canada. If you would like to help and distribute to your academy, please email your address! It's free! PullingGuardZine@gmail.com And feedback is always great!

wee-ooo weeeee-oooo

I'm currently sitting, okay laying, in the back of an ambulance. Sounds bad but I'm just working my 12 hours of ride along experience for my EMT program. Lots of downtime. With that downtime I've decided that I really want to go to Portugal for the European Championships. I have no idea how ill get the money but ill figure it out. My arm is healing well. I've been training for about a week now. I actually just ran into the ER doctor who I did my clinical hours under and went to after I hurt my arm. He trains, too so that's awesome. I'll also be taking pictures with my teammate and friend soon. He's my first sponsor and been an asset to my success since I started training. MikMilman.com

Here is some of his work from No Gi Worlds: My teammate Edwin Najmi who placed 2nd in the Adult Feather Blue Belt Division. Next person to interview/write an article about.