I don't have to get up in the morning

“Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly and tell it as best you can. I'm not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter.” - Neil Gaiman

I have a habit of leaving many internet tabs open at a time. Call me a hoarder, but I feel like once I open up a link or website, I need to save it for later or perhaps refer back to it often. Sometimes I get to reading something new and there are links to other sites or other blog posts. I right click and I open them in a new tab. To tell you the truth, I may never even get back to that tab. I may never read it before one day I just need a fucking refresh-- a new start. I made that start just now. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced. My computer now decides to shut off randomly even when plugged in. But that isn't the problem. I can start it back up, open up my internet browser and behold! It asks me if I want to restore the tabs. Why yes, yes I do. And so that's not the issue that happened to me now. This time, while sitting at starbucks, my wifi somehow opted to hook up to some TWC cable whatchamacallit and all the sudden all of my tabs were redirecting to the sign in page. Gone.

So I restarted my browser and started from scratch. I may have 7 tabs open already in a span of 15 minutes but that's a lot better than the 27 I had before. It feels good. I didn't want it but I needed it. I'll try not to make it a habit and once I'm done updating this, I'll close it. Because I really don't need to refer to my blog that often. The page numbers don't change that much and the content is always the same. I know the URL by heart.

I haven't trained in a few days. My head is a mess and my heart is somewhere on the floor of my teammate's apartment whom I am dog/housesitting for, probably covered in dog hair and slobbered on. My brain is somewhere near it, or at least I hope. I feel things a lot more intensely than other people and I've struggled with it my whole life. I've fought people over it but in the end, I've accepted it. This is just one of those times. It's okay that I'm feeling everything right now because it will in turn help me to make the right decisions. Even if I don't feel that I had much control over them.

I don't know if anyone can relate but I've created a life for myself currently that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Everything is up in the air. This is true for everyone, I assure you. You can change anything you want at anytime. You can pick up and leave I promise. But will you? I will. I need a job and I need some goals. I've got a new belt and I've got a new set of challenges in terms of jiu jitsu competition. I've got new responsibilities and some new friends. Some new drama and some new vices. But it's still all up in the air. I haven't decided where I'm headed yet but once I do, I will let you know.

I'm sorry I'm so scatterbrained.