I never wanted to win at school. High school was the place that I settled for just getting by. I didn't have an excuse for not producing my best work and putting all of my energy into earning high grades. A grade of B was just fine for me because it didn't make anyone nag to me or disappoint my parents. When I see people who do well in school I feel like that could never have been me. I don't want that. It wasn't until now that I have the drive to be the best. I know what my head and heart feel when I have no intention of giving something my full attention and succeeding. That was everything in my past. Here and now, training for the World Championships I know the gold is mine. My opponents will have to want it more than me and literally break me if they want to see me fail. This is what I can excel in, this is where I can claim the best prize, recognition for my efforts and title. No magna cum laude, but rather the ability to say that I am a world champion. On a lighter note check out two companies I support who are supporting my endeavors. www.rolladaptwin.com and www.invertedgear.com Two new great companies, put together would be some raw pandas. Heyo!

I don't think I could have ever imagined being so at peace with life in the way that it is now. Back in my cubicle days, if you told me that I'd be training jiu jitsu full-time without school or work getting in the way, I would have been ecstatic but definitely reluctant to believe that something as cool as this would come true. When I worked at the academy I remember thinking that I would never want to be a full-time athlete. Really, that was the stress of the job talking. It was hard to separate the two, remember? I couldn't go on the mat feeling like I was there because I wanted to be. These days I am there solely because I want to win gold. I am there because I want to accomplish my life goals which are now to win worlds. My goal when I made this very temporary life change, was to win pan ams. I accomplished that goal.

I trained twice a day every week day, I did conditioning mon-wed-fri, trained once on Saturdays and came in to drill on Sundays. I hate having to leave my house at 7:30am just to sit in traffic for over an hour just to make sure I'm at conditioning on time, yet the feeling of missing conditioning any day is a worse feeling. When you're missing work or you're late, absentminded or just doing a shitty job you have the burden of someone else reprimanding you. With jiu jitsu there's no policy for missed days and there's no clocking in. That feeling I get, that antsy, dreadful regret I feel when I miss it, that's the feeling of letting myself down. That's the worst feeling. Worse than disappointing your parents. Yeah, rough. So I've got myself to keep me in line and it's an amazing feeling having the motivation to do so. If only I could do that with my writing...

The day of the 2012 Pan American Championships I was actually too relaxed. I had to drink some coffee and slap myself in the face in order to wake up. My first match was against a Gracie Barra girl. I got her in a triangle right away but I could not finish it. A very familiar situation. I swear I got better but this girl was too stubborn. I let go and attempted to sweep her over head but her knee landed on my face. I kept going but when we stopped to go back to the center I realized my nose was bleeding which wasn't a shock. The medic took forever to squeeze a tampon up my nose and the ref was rushing me to get on with it. When we started again, I swept to mount but didn't end up finishing her. My second match was against a girl I've been friends with through the jiu jitsu community. Not the type of friend that I tell my boy problems to but the type that I'm not afraid to chat with. This is because she was a middleweight. Recently she took up body building and dropped down to feather. We ended up playing a double guard pull game til she came up. I swept and she went for what looked like a knee bar and the ref called a DQ right away. I'm sure she wouldn't be going for one but the reffing has become more strict in that regard I guess so it was called. Shitty way to win. My third match was against a Lloyd Irvin girl. I walked behind her as we were led back to the mat from the bullpen and thought about how I refused to lose to a Lloyd Irvin team member. It was another double guard pull but I was able to make her come up. I swept her but she got me in a triangle. I held on for 4 minutes. Four minutes I was in another world. Cobrinha yelled instructions for me to make sure I could relieve the choke and hide my limbs. I sprawled, I shifted my weight, I held on to my arm for dear life and my eyes were closed the whole time. For the first time in my jiu jitsu career I showed that I had heart. I was put in a bad situation and I chose to not give up. When the match ended and I survived the submission attempt, I was up by two points and I celebrated as if it was the final. It was an amazing feeling. My semi-final match was another triangle failure. I was up on points and ended up winning but it didn't really feel all that great. The worst match of the day was still yet to come. After winning my 4th match I knew that I was in the finals with my teammate. I asked Cobrinha how it should be handled but he decided to let us work it out ourselves. Jennifer had 4 matches as well that day with 2 being submissions. In my head I felt like she had the better day. She beats me in the gym every day and has been training longer than me. It's hard to not compare myself to her. Compare in the sense that we're both blue belt feather weights. I know this is all in my head and no one actively says "look at how much better Jennifer is" but when her and I end up winning an equal amount of matches in the same division it's an odd way to feel. When I addressed the situation to her, she first asked what I wanted to do. I said "of course I want the gold." She felt the same, obviously. We both worked so hard to get to the top of the podium and now we both had each other in the way. She opted for rock, paper scissors but said only 1 not 2 out of 3. She won.

And so I got a silver medal at pan ams 2 years in a row. Sure, I "won" because I "closed out" my division but sharing the title is not as great as I expected it to feel. Which is why I've considered dropping weight for worlds. As far as I know there are no Alliance girls competing at light feather and so I could have my own division, my own accomplishment and my own world champion title. No sharing involved. I don't know if I'll make that decision or not, it's something I really have to figure out soon, though.

I have big things coming. I have myself right where I want to be. In regards to the future, I have no clue. I had to set a dentist appointment today for 6 months from now. I honestly have no idea where I'm going to be. I told her whatever she wanted was fine but I have a feeling it will need to be changed. I don't know what job I'll have, what my training will be like, if I'll be in school or not. I don't care. I don't care that I have no idea what I will be doing after worlds because all I care about now is jiu jitsu. I did, however, change my major to creative writing and I understand that it will take me at least 2 more years to complete my degree but I'm okay with that. As long as I accomplish a degree in what I love, it won't matter how long it takes me. As long as I am living in a way that is in tune with my happiness.

Expect a Buchecha interview on Budovideos, perhaps some new blogging elsewhere and a great great article that may spark some controversy given that the first draft was completely shunned by the subject. Whether it's up his impossible standards or not, an article will be written. Stayyyyyy tuned.

I have all I need

Training is long. This is the last week before Pan Ams. You sit back when you feel you have enough time to eat crap, skip training sessions, sleep in, and mentally rest before the preparation until you feel it. It's too late. You should have found the motivation a month ago but you were too content chillin' until that point where you need to train hard. "I'll start my diet tomorrow, after I indulge in this amazing donut." Except that panic you get when you realize it's two weeks away and that's not much time to change anything in your plans. It's a weird feeling but can be prevented if you force yourself to start even when you think it's too early. That donut can wait til after you've won all your matches.

There's a band called Gorilla Biscuits. It's one of those old hardcore bands that you have to claim to know if you want to be presumed as a real hardcore enthusiast. I faked that. I bought the CD and listened to it for a week but couldn't listen to it long enough to mark it down on my list of things to talk about when justifying my credibility in the scene. I'm pretty sure I just went back to listening to The Starting Line or something as equally as stereotypical of a 15 year old girl. The song I do remember, however, is "Start Today." It's weird that whenever I think of those words I think about that song. And whenever I have a thought in my head to either make a change in my life or try something new, I think of those words. I'd totally get it tattooed on my wrists but I didn't gain the credibility.

I think I started training for Pan Ams when I should have. When I could have. If I didn't have the trials to push me into this high gear then I never would have survived thus far. My life is only jiu jitsu. I don't see my mom and I don't watch Grey's Anatomy with her every Thursday night when I would normally skip out on class since it's usually no-gi. She even went to the market without me on Saturday when that's been our ritual ever since I can remember. I don't think of much else. I know a guy who twitches in his sleep quite often. Reluctantly to say, I'll go ahead and reveal that I know 2 guys who twitch in their sleep. Because they're dreaming of jiu jitsu. I thought it was really weird and I'd heard of people hip escaping in their beds to roll over which a lot of us do but having jiu jitsu cause you to twitch is weird-- until I started doing it. Sometimes it jerks me awake. When I dream I think about passing because it's been my focus. And sometimes you've gotta be explosive so I guess it makes sense.

The one thing I dislike about all this training is the loneliness. There is no real cure and in fact the temporary fixes are often detrimental and even hazardous. I rely on my teammates to keep me sane with their jokes and the lunches we have in between training sessions but when they leave and I'm left at the academy I feel like a puppy at a pound. I'm truly grateful for the people in my life. I went through a phase of not liking my teammates. I didn't feel a connection but since San Diego it's there. And if they read this, I'd like them to know how much I appreciate everything. The hugs when I need them, the jokes, the teasing, the sarcasm and the motivation to push past the mental blocks during rolling. Without you guys I'd be miserable and I never would be here where I am now.

Furthermore, this academy is my home. I am here more than I am at my house and I feel that I can do no wrong. When I leave I get into trouble whether its spending money or wasting time but when I'm here all of my choices are warranted. I am kept in line. When I worked here it felt more like a prison. People would come visit the academy and when everyone got to hang out together at the Grove, I'd be behind the desk. Although I'm not working or making money right now, it feels like I shouldn't be anywhere else. I thought I knew where I was going but once I made the choice to stay here in the gym it felt so comforting.

I have all I need.

Finally free.

I left the start-up. While I was assured a position and was unofficially moved from intern to full-time employee, the role never really stuck. They said I'd be full-time, have a set stipend and then in 2-3 months move to salary with insurance and making enough to move out of my parents' house and closer to the office in Santa Monica. It never really blossomed and I started hating what I was doing. What I thought would be a blogging/social media internship turned out to be a customer service internship. What I thought would be a full-time PR/Marketing position was really a full-time answer the phone, call people a lot position. Once it was determined that wasn't something I enjoyed at all, I opted out of being included in the role formation.

So I'm a full-time Cobrinha blue belt. I have no idea how long this will last or the likelihood that I'll be able to sustain this lifestyle through freelance writing yet but I'm willing to make a damn good attempt. Feels weird being at the academy all day again since that was how I started working there. They've since replaced me so now I'm back to being a bum. Driving the 26 miles back to my house isn't an option due to high gas prices so while every other jiu jitsu bum at the academy goes home to eat and rest in between training sessions, I find ways to be productive. Not a bad life, just will take some time to find the best ways I get my own things done without A.) spending money B.) wasting valuable time and C.) getting lonely.

I didn't plan it to be this way. I didn't tell myself to save up money and I didn't plan on leaving the start-up. I just didn't plan anything. After this past weekend at the San Diego Trials a lot changed in my head and I want to really try at something. I watch other jiu jitsu athletes find a way to make it work in order to train full-time and I couldn't keep up because I wanted something else. I watch my old high school friends graduating college and getting into top grad school while I haven't finished my B.A. yet. 

I've been reading this blog: www.blog.penelopetrunk.com I believe her advice is great and she makes me feel comfortable with past decision I've made. Not that I needed someone to tell me that, but it gives me patience.

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2003/08/26/3-things-to-teach-your-kids-so-they-succeed-in-life/

Here is where she speaks about how parents need to raise their children in order to have them succeed. I'm an adult and my mom raised me the way she wanted to but I believe this still applies to me given that I haven't fully left the coop yet. In my position now, it took passion and the risk taking in order for me to be able to work hard. 

In her mailbag Q&A someone asked her what they should do because they haven't committed to anything due to not being passionate about it. Mid-twenties, always trying something new and switching directions, not graduated from college because can't decide a major and working low-end jobs because of it. Sounds familiar! Well here was her answer.

"It’s very common to have no idea what you want to do in your adult life when you are in your mid-twenties. Think about it: You have spent most of your life in school, learning things that do not help you figure out adult life. So now you have had only three or four years to figure out how you want to be as an adult. That’s not very much time. You have about fifty more years of adult life. You have plenty of time to get a good plan.

Meanwhile, keep trying new things. The way you find something you want to stick with is to try a lot of things to figure out what you are passionate enough to stick with. There is no hard in trying 20 things and stopping them because you don’t like them. There is more harm in pretending to be fine with what you are doing because you think you SHOULD be fine.

You are not wasting time if you are learning about yourself. Are you learning from all the things you are doing and not sticking with? Then you’re okay. If you are not learning about yourself then you might be paralyzed by fear. And then you might need help — coaching to get some focus, or therapy to get some personal insight. But most people who are lost in their twenties are just fine.

Side note: It’s too bad parents don’t warn kids, as they are growing up, that one’s twenties is a time for being lost.

Penelope"

I lost my first match at Abu Dhabi Trials due to ref's decision. The next day was my last day working and now I'm here. My mom's freaking out. I have a speeding ticket to pay, academy dues, gas, car insurance and registration and many other things to pay for but I just don't care. If I'm doing what I feel I need to do then it's right because I never, ever feel this certain that I am where I am meant to be.

Trials, third try.

I've realized that writing here about anything other than jiu jitsu is pointless. And making this statement relieves me of catching you up with everything that has gone on in my life which would just be a bunch of junk despite a few changes.

A week after I came back from Lisbon I quit working at Cobrinha's. It made training feel like a job as well. Too much pressure. The same day I quit, I started school. And I quit school the same day. Also during that day, I got a call from a company saying they wanted to hire me for a paid internship. So I started school, then quit school, then quit my job, then got hired for a new one all in about a total of 5 hours. Talk about some changes.

Let's just say, my skin broke out a lot, my immune system took a hit and I got sick for 2 weeks. Stress is my worst enemy. However, I started training less which actually helped.

I am competing this weekend at the trials. I'm trying to think of competition like I used to. Last year I weighed in, ate a pizookie and drank a coke the night before my matches. I ended up doing better than I have my last two competitions. Maybe the magic is in the yummy, gooey, amazing half baked cookie. Who knows.

What I do know is that the match I had in the open weight finals was the most important match for my jiu jitsu journey. It was like a realization that I'm not horrible at jiu jitsu but also a tease. I was so close. I didn't deserve the trip and I didn't train as hard as my opponent. I don't know how I got there and I don't know how the match was as close as it was. A loss is a loss, though. And I lost the trip.

But it wasn't the trip itself that I wanted. I just wanted to be good enough for it. I watched the match over and over and over again for awhile after. This was during the time I was working at the travel agency so it made it easy for me to sit in my cubicle and stare at the video a few times a day. I hung the second place medal from my rear view mirror for months and months as a reminder for something, I'm not sure. Maybe to train more, maybe to have more confidence or maybe just to work on having a more aggressive game. Either way it was there for that depressing kind of motivation where you just don't want to be there in that situation again so you remind yourself to try not to be. You know, that situation where you're down by an advantage and doing god knows what in inverted guard not attempting anything but not really knowing why you're not doing much, and having your opponent scream her lungs out when the buzzer goes off and run and celebrate while you're still there...inverted...with your ass in the air.

This weekend is the anniversary of that time and I think I'm better. Training with a different team and living a different life. Have I matured? Have I gotten any better at competing? I'm not sure. I want it, though. And I know more jiu jitsu than I did before. I'm ready to just have fun with my team and do what I enjoy doing. I have totally forgotten that I enjoy competing because I've been too busy hating it because of panic attacks and crazy nerves. I like to put my jiu jitsu to the test. I like having an audience watch me play my jiu jitsu. I like meeting new people and I like winning. There's nothing better than winning a match. Except for pizookies... okay close second.

I don't think it's common for a jiu jitsu athlete to be so sensitive. There's a large level of mental toughness that is required and that's something that I just don't have. Or maybe it's not toughness at all.

The best athletes are those who take nothing personal. They win or they lose, they keep moving on. They keep working hard. They go to practice every day the same way. They do not let outside sources affect the way they train, prepare and perform. I am not like this.

I struggled to get to Europe for the Europeans and I made it. I got through an ugly ulcer in my throat and I got through a car accident that totaled my car a week before my departure. Not asking for a congratulations but it was worth noting that I had enough passion to fight through everything and still get here no matter how much debt I'd be in or how unprepared in my training I might have felt due to having to get a new car, missing a week of work and not training much. 

And then when I got to Europe I lost my first match.

I haven't enjoyed training in awhile. Stepping on the mat feels like a job and I am constantly watching the clock through out class time waiting for the chance to stop. 

I have no career, I have no degree, I have no career goals and I am tired of not knowing where I am going despite my constant evaluations of my life. The only thing I have become good at is knowing what I don't or can't do which is a lot. 

Thinking back, the only real time I felt like I was doing something that I was meant to do was when I was creating my zine. No one could tell me I was doing something wrong. No one could tell me how much money to spend on it, how much time to spend on it or how much of a waste of time it was because I knew that I enjoyed every second of it. It was a chance for me to create something solely and completely by myself that truly represented what I was capable of. It was mine. I have never felt that way about jiu jitsu or anything else so I think it's time to go back to that.

As for my match, I gassed out. I had more anxiety than anything I had felt before and without anything to calm me down I went on the mat and competed like complete shit. I couldn't establish my guard, I got passed, I recovered but couldn't keep it. My opponent got mount at the end and that was it. It took awhile to recover and I wanted to puke. I hated every second of being there. I wouldn't do it again if you paid me $10,000. This is not just a match that I lost and that will be avenged by some hard training on the mat what I get home. This is not a case of nerves or just a bad day. I have had those.

Whatever I choose to do when I get home has nothing to do with anything but my lack of passion. It has nothing to do with a bruised ego. It has nothing to do with being a sore loser. I don't care about the match, I care about doing what I love, setting long term life goals and being happy.

Europe has been an amazing trip and I have learned a lot so far. I knew that just my being here would be a huge accomplishment and it was. I can't wait to come back.

It's really hard to leave this blog alone for a large chunk of time and then come back to it with something clear to write about. I've been a hermit for the past 6 months and especially the last couple. My holiday season was whatever. I don't think it was fun or nice or refreshing or relaxing. There was no great family time or good relaxation. In fact, all of my relaxation time was spent doing something and then immediately feeling guilty about it right after because it wasn't conducive to my goals and current should-be lifestyle. I feel like a damn catholic. 

Jiu jitsu may be an individual sport but it takes a team to make a great competitor. It takes support to reach goals. Part of competition training is having a team that will endure everything together and help each other achieve goals and being positive. I'm not talking about speeches about what we should be doing in general, things that are told to us where we feel as far as removed from it as if you just told me to relate my life to kids in Africa. It just doesn't apply. There needs to be a personal level, personal motivation and an overall interest in other teammates' goals. 

A huge thing I've noticed is the presence of shame and guilt in the training regiments. If you don't train, you're led to believe that you have just costed yourself the gold. You just let yourself down. Shame on you. If this is the case, then I don't want to train at all. The presence of negative reinforcement is there even if you don't see it. It's there. The speeches are about positivity but the behavior is negative. Let me place shame on you just because you ate a cookie or you didn't train one class. I think it creates a very negative environment and a place where training super hard and feeling like you're in hell is just not conducive. And training should be hard. Harder than the competition. But if I don't feel the progress or feel the worth in my hell of a training session, it's hard to feel motivated enough to do it 2 times a day.

I leave next week for Europeans and I feel like the last person who should be going to another country to represent my team. I tried to spare myself of that lingering mentality that I need to be training harder than everyone right now and I need to be more focused than anyone but instead I created a challenge for myself that has actually interrupted my focus. I don't feel ready but I never do. Unfortunately I've invested a lot of money for this experience and I wish I could still consider it as such-- an experience that I will always remember. Yes my goal is to win but I also will learn either way and gain knowledge from my first time traveling out of the country. Alone, even. And that should be enough but it's not.